[INFJ] Opening up, too much?

Everyone contributing to this thread: I've enjoyed your oversharing. Thank you for trusting us with getting to know you.


TheFool said:
You know when you meet someone new and instantly feel that you have known the person a longer time? It is easy to talk and be with them so you open up yourself by being honest.

Have happened few times to me. And over 90% of the times I get the feeling that the person I have met does not feel the same way about me. Like the other person activates some kind of a defense mechanism when I am just being open....
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Hi, The Fool. It is good to see you on the forum. (I hadn't noticed you around in a little while.)
Does being Swedish contribute to this? Because Swedes are more reserved? Or no?

I think sharing one "safe" idea, interest or feeling that goes a little deep or personal is a good gauge for testing how responsive the person will be. If they respond well, or share in return, it will flow.
Try to open up about topics you think they'll relate to. Don't say anything too scary.

Some men use opening up to women as a way to hit on them, so it may be more difficult to earn their trust. You'll just need to prove you don't have motives by being the genuine person you are.


Deleted member 16771 said:
I notice that you're an enneagram 1 like me. I have a bit of a tendency to overshare, too, and it comes from a weird mix of a few factors:

- False/real sense of being comfortable in who I am
- Needing to be 'honest'
- Wanting to show the person that I trust them
- Unconsciously testing their reaction to my less than attractive features
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That's interesting. Thank you for sharing that. I knew you believed you have a problem w/ oversharing (discussed in a different thread last year) but not why you do it. This makes a lot of sense.
I think I use "being myself" (or even an exaggerated version of myself) as a defense mechanism to judge who I should let closer and who I should keep outside my circle.

Aneirin said:
I'll do that when I run across another INFJ. . believing that they have similar notions about things that I do, overshare, and then get broadsided in finding out they do not.
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You and I are quite different in some ways, so we do not always have "similar notions", but I still think you're the bees knees.

Aneirin said:
I don't know if i should call, or just give up. . oh sent another text, nothing. .
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Let it go. It sounds like they changed their mind, and even if they didn't, do you want this to be the theme in the friendship?

@slant - Great post. Thank you for sharing the link w/ us. You have a helpful perspective.


Gotta run. :)
 
TheFool said:
You know when you meet someone new and instantly feel that you have known the person a longer time? It is easy to talk and be with them so you open up yourself by being honest.

Have happened few times to me. And over 90% of the times I get the feeling that the person I have met does not feel the same way about me. Like the other person activates some kind of a defense mechanism when I am just being open..

I can’t really put a word on the thing. First you are happy to finally meet someone like yourself but then it seems that the person is somehow a bit afraid of you opening up. Makes me to “close up” and become even more careful with people when it happens. Fucks up my self-esteem about being able to recognize same kindred people. Just a shame since there is so much stuff I would like to share and talk about with people who actually understand what I am saying. :sweatsmile:
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For myself I'm quite reserved when actually getting to know people in person, and there's only been one case where within an hour of knowing someone I felt like I genuinely had known them for years and could trust them with anything (still best friends to this day) but that was honestly I feel a once in the lifetime experience in my view. The main thing is recognising the depth of what your new-found relationship is like, and appropriately meeting that level, or only slightly pushing it so as to not scare them away.

The only reason I so quickly trusted the aforementioned person is due to the fact that even though that had been the first time we d ever talked - despite years of sharing the same school year, friends and classes - they confided in me their biggest secret which they hadn't even felt comfortable telling people they had known and grown up with for years, and so I knew there was literally no limit to what I could then confide in them. However if they had only entrusted me with a comparatively small secret, and I then in return unleashed a wave of my inner self (so to speak) onto them, a lot of people would be like
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and thus back away, intimidated by a level of trust and emotion they might have neither anticipated nor wanted at that time. So most of the time I make sure there's a mutual understanding of how we both want the relationship to progress before being like "So THIS is how strange I really am, welcome to the subscription to random and disjointed thoughts alongside a dose of me opening my soul every Tuesday at six"

Definitely feel you though my friend with believing you'd found a kindred spirit only to feel a bit on the unrequited side. Personally, I came to the conclusion in my earlier years that the people who mainly acted like that were those who projected compassion but either cared more for their image being perceived that way, or had a slightly self delusional sense of how much they truly cared to want to help or listen. But again, that just circles back to making sure you understand to a good degree each other and your expectations.

Has something in particular happened with someone to make you ask this, if you don't mind my asking? Or just a thought you wanted to put out there? *Edit* Lel ignore my questions I just saw your earlier response :PNice unicorns tho
 
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The only person I opened up to instantly is my husband. On the first date, even.
Other people, it took years to get to know them properly and for them to get to know me properly.
The one's who stayed by me are all worth it. I find that if you don't open up, you won't know if there is a worthwhile connection between you and the person. It's a risk, always.
Of course, if I sense that there's something off about the person, then I will raise the walls and lock up the doors and windows. It does happen. They will know I shut the gates in their face too.

If you want meaningful relationships in your life, you gotta open up and be ready for rejection (or love).
You don't have to spell out your life story from the get go. It's healthy to remain somewhat guarded, but whatever you share be genuine about it, and see where it takes with time. Also, trust your instinct. It is often right.
 
Asa said:
I think I use "being myself" (or even an exaggerated version of myself) as a defense mechanism to judge who I should let closer and who I should keep outside my circle.
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This resonates with me, too.

You (one) can share the same personal information in the same way with two different people or groups of people with a completely different meaning and intent behind it.

E.g. 'I'm a big nerd, I used to paint toy soldiers. Warhammer 40k.'

1) Said to a bunch of intuitives this statement means something like 'let's chat about our respective fandoms', or 'let's talk about our nerdiness'.

2) Said to a group of - let's be honest - sensors, this is likely to mean 'this is who I am; I don't care about conforming to you so let's make it obvious right now that we're not going to be friends.' This also weeds out the nice sensors from the twats.

The same thing is amicable in one setting and, actually, somewhat hostile in another. It can happen the other way, too, when someone's asking you about something. For example, there's a question in the UK that used to make me a bit nervous as a child: 'what football team do you support?' For a couple of reasons: i) when I grew up, and now, club football matches are behind a paywall (satellite TV) that poor kids (me) couldn't afford; ii) I wasn't interested in club football. Mostly, though, it's a question that meant 'are you a normal person?' So when I was younger and asserting myself a bit, I used to answer with 'I don't give a fuck about football' - not in a confrontational way, but in a way that very clearly removes the expectation from the question (because 'are you interested in football?' is never asked) and establishes that I'm not going to connect with this person about that. Of course, football is fun to play and I enjoy watching the World Cup (always have), so now I just answer with something like 'oh I'm not fussed about club football'.


The way you describe it is a lot of what I mean, @Asa - it's using personal information or 'the truth' to shut yourself off from certain people you're trying to close out of your life. The same sharing will attract those you want to attract.
 
Odyne said:
The only person I opened up to instantly is my husband. On the first date, even.
Other people, it took years to get to know them properly and for them to get to know me properly.
The one's who stayed by me are all worth it. I find that if you don't open up, you won't know if there is a worthwhile connection between you and the person. It's a risk, always.
Of course, if I sense that there's something off about the person, then I will raise the walls and lock up the doors and windows. It does happen. They will know I shut the gates in their face too.

If you want meaningful relationships in your life, you gotta open up and be ready for rejection (or love).
You don't have to spell out your life story from the get go. It's healthy to remain somewhat guarded, but whatever you share be genuine about it, and see where it takes with time. Also, trust your instinct. It is often right.
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This too. Openness is like a filter. Whatever we present to the world is our filter, and if we adopt a mask, then we're going to let people through who resonate with the mask alone.
 
TheFool said:
g. It is more about expressing yourself as you are instead of managing the myriad versions of different kinds of social and personal masks that we are programmed to wear in order to not “come out too hard”. Like if someone asks you “How are you doing?”, the person is not expecting you to actually tell him / her what is truly going on but prefer you to follow that accepted script by saying, “I am fine. How are you?”

This is where I am struggling. I find the way most of people interact with each other more and more fruitless. I am absolutely not an anti-social person. But i prefer to socialize in a meaningful way where we actually share something true which each other. I don’t mean I am expecting to bleed when I am having a conversation. I just want to talk something that is real.
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You'll find people, but only by being authentically yourself and answering honestly when people ask you how you are.

Sure, you'll creep out some people, but you'll also find the other people who are wearing masks. How are other people like you supposed to know you're similar if you don't show it?

And in that sense, if you find you lose some people, don't sweat it. It wasn't meant to be.
 
slant said:
You'll find people, but only by being authentically yourself and answering honestly when people ask you how you are.

Sure, you'll creep out some people, but you'll also find the other people who are wearing masks. How are other people like you supposed to know you're similar if you don't show it?

And in that sense, if you find you lose some people, don't sweat it. It wasn't meant to be.
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Yup yup yup. A lot of people in this thread know what they're talking about.
 
@Deleted member 16771 - Interesting. I understand your assessment. Do people perceive you as a more honest person who would tell them the truth (however painful) because of this? My experience is that a lot of musicians send me their unreleased work to review hoping I'll tell them if it sucks. Every time this happens I think, "I'm flattered, but whyyyyy????" (I know why.) (It makes me uncomfortable.)
 
For me, it's more about the intent than anything else. If you're not bullshitting me or using our conversation in a self serving way, then I can get personal fairly quick. I like it, in fact.

But if your hidden motive is to get a specific response from me -- sympathy, validation, to see you as special, be part of you on-call emotional support network, etc -- then I'm going to realize it early on and stonewall you or at least disconnect on my end. I find it obnoxious and even parasitical in some cases.

If our interests and personalities are aligned, all those responses will happen anyway. Except it will happen organically and emerge from something self-sustaining and real; an actual friendship.

I have no idea what your motives are and I'm not suggesting they're anything other than pure. I'm simply giving the perspective of someone who has felt overwhelmed by others who want to get real deep, real fast. The content was fine, I just hated the desperation and transparent desire to be emotionally inflated.
 
Plenty of good responses here! Cheers!

I guess even though sometimes I feel that I can resonate with someone doesn’t mean that the feeling is mutual. Some has harder to ”expose” themselves as they are. Paying more attention to sensory input instead of counting on my intuitive information seems to balance my tendency to idolize people. Despite we can see the person it doesn’t mean that everyone is comfortable with being seen. They prefer to hold people at distance.

I take baby steps and as soon as I mark a boundary I respect it. It has happened more than few times when people have come up too strong on me so I understand the importance of mutual respect.

By reading the posts here gives me a wider perspective on the matter. I am not desperately looking for deeper connections since I have already people around me with whom I can relate on a deeper level. And I attend to keep on opening up, from a distance without stepping on someone’s toes.

ps. There is a cultural factor here too. I am Finnish and Finnish men in general are not very “open” towards each other. But since I have lived in Sweden for 12 years my way of socializing has changed to more open style, something that can be perceived as “odd” from the Finnish point of view. :)
 
TheFool said:
You know when you meet someone new and instantly feel that you have known the person a longer time? It is easy to talk and be with them so you open up yourself by being honest.

Have happened few times to me. And over 90% of the times I get the feeling that the person I have met does not feel the same way about me. Like the other person activates some kind of a defense mechanism when I am just being open..

I can’t really put a word on the thing. First you are happy to finally meet someone like yourself but then it seems that the person is somehow a bit afraid of you opening up. Makes me to “close up” and become even more careful with people when it happens. Fucks up my self-esteem about being able to recognize same kindred people. Just a shame since there is so much stuff I would like to share and talk about with people who actually understand what I am saying. :sweatsmile:
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I think one reason for this is a boundary problem. I'm a little unsure of the dynamics in the situation you describe, but from the way you explain it, it's you who is taking the initiative and you are letting the other across some of your inner intimacy boundaries in your enthusiasm for a kindred soul. They are reciprocating at first but in doing so, they are maybe drawn into letting you across some of their own intimacy boundaries, but without the same level of deliberation and consent. I think many sensitive intuitives may feel a sense of regret subsequently, and this will be irrational and involuntary. They won't direct this at you, but at themselves, and it won't be a well understood feeling - a weird combination of guilt, foolishness, nakedness, violation even. They will have developed antibodies in the process to stop this happening again with you. This isn't just a bit of theory on my part, because I have been there when I've drifted into letting others cross a step or two inside my 'secret garden' without really intending to, and that's how I felt a day or so later. I've described the full blown situation, but a lot of us will already be aware of the risks, and the shutters will come down earlier.

Intended or not, the signals can be read as a request for intimacy well before the other is ready for that. I don't mean sexual intimacy, but of the best friends sort. With such intimacy comes a whole raft of components to a relationship that make us vulnerable and committed to each other, and a set of risks and benefits that can affect our lives for good and ill. It can feel weird being on the receiving end of such an implicit offer too early in a friendship. If the other person is an intuitive, they will need time to process your friendship, as will you. Ni in particular works slowly, and if it's forced, it will build a model of your relationship that is false negative and which can't be dismantled easily. Play things cool and chill out - let your friendships develop slowly like a shrub in your garden. Or to use @Wyote 's analogy, the way to friendship intimacy is a like a dance, or a game, played out in a slowly developing way and without a lot of striving and intent.

I appreciate that this is possibly an amplification of what you are actually experiencing, but it's very likely that there is more than a dash of it going on. Don't forget as well that if someone goes cool on you, it may be nothing to do with you at all - they may be preoccupied and fretting over family, or health, or money problems they don't want to talk about for example.
 
John K said:
Or to use @Wyote 's analogy, the way to friendship intimacy is a like a dance, or a game, played out in a slowly developing way and without a lot of striving and intent.
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