People Demanding Affirmation

Flavus Aquila said:
I don't care for lies of convenience... I prefer a direct, if selective response.
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Then you're screwed. You either give your honest opinion when asked or continue to be annoyed by their need for affirmation.

And telling them to look within themselves will not go over well either. That will create more questions and more drama. Especially if it is linked to a personality disorder.
 
Anywhere But Here said:
Then you're screwed. You either give your honest opinion when asked or continue to be annoyed by their need for affirmation.

And telling them to look within themselves will not go over well either. That will create more questions and more drama. Especially if it is linked to a personality disorder.
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Blunt honesty is not the same thing as tactful honesty. There's better ways to communicate and I'd rather pursue these than debate the topic.

Constructive suggestions are.... more constructive.
 
Flavus Aquila said:
Blunt honest is not the same thing as tactful honesty. There's better ways to communicate and I'd rather pursue these than debate the topic.

Constructive suggestions are.... more constructive.
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I understand what you are saying, but still a bit confused. Why not just give them your honest opinion? No one said you need to be rude about it. I think tact is important. But you obviously know this since you stated it above, so why the thread? You know tact.

Question: "What do you think of my new hairstyle?"

Let's pretend that they dyed their hair blue with an uneven cut and it doesn't complement their face. How would you answer that question?

No matter how you respond, there will always be a problem if you do not say it looks great (if you know the person is looking for that response.)

Look within yourself for the answer, Flav. ;)
 
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Anywhere But Here said:
I understand what you are saying, but still a bit confused. Why not just give them your honest opinion? No one said you need to be rude about it. I think tact is important. But you obviously know this since you stated it above, so why the thread? You know tact.

Question: "What do you think of my new hairstyle?"

Let's pretend that they dyed their hair blue with an uneven cut and it doesn't complement their face. How would you answer that question?

No matter how you respond, there will always be a problem if you do not say it looks great (if you know the person is looking for that response.).

Look within yourself for the answer, Flav. ;)
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@sassafras gave a very good criteria for replying.

In your example:
If you're happy with your blue hair, that's what's important.
 
Flavus Aquila said:
@sassafras gave a very good criteria for replying.

In your example:
If you're happy with your blue hair, that's what's important.
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It is good criteria. And you should respond that way.

But if you are dealing with someone actively looking for affirmation, it isn't the right answer. Which could create more "drama" with that type of person.

It means you don't like it. You can't win either way.
 
Anywhere But Here said:
It is good criteria. And you should respond that way.

But if you are dealing with someone actively looking for affirmation, it isn't the right answer. Which could create more "drama" with that type of person.

It means you don't like it. You can't win either way.
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I think the active search for affirmation is the drama... failing to placate drama simply lets it continue at discretion of the pest-author.

Ignoring the disruptive attention seeker doesn't transfer the responsibility for the disruptive behaviour to the onlookers. That is kitschy termed victim-blaming.

Anyhow, again, I'm not so interested in discussing the topic, as getting some practical and constructive ways of responding.
 
answer with a question

is that what you want?

:)
 
Anywhere But Here said:
It is good criteria. And you should respond that way.

But if you are dealing with someone actively looking for affirmation, it isn't the right answer. Which could create more "drama" with that type of person.

It means you don't like it. You can't win either way.
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At that point, you say the truth. 'To be honest with you, I really don't care. I appreciate that you find it important and that you'd seek my opinion, but this isn't something I really think about/know about. You're better off asking someone else."

It is true, though. You might get drama from some people with this answer.... but you might get drama even when you tell them exactly what they want to hear and people pick up on a note of insincerity (real or perceived). Drama llamas have got to drama llama.

At least this way, they'll think twice about coming to you next time (and there will be a next time because the validation pit within themselves is probably bottomless). Boundary drawn.

That being said, I usually reserve this kind of response for people that I absolutely cannot be bothered with or if I'm growing annoyed with by their constant habit of using me as a source of narcissistic supply. At which point, I would strongly argue that boundaries need to be put in place and that giving them what they want is the last thing you want to do. Peace for the sake of peace is not harmony.

However, I am also on board with ABH and others who seem reluctant to look at this whole affirmation business as a black and white issue. Some people may seek affirmation less for themselves and more for the sake of connecting with you. An innocuous comment like 'do you like my hair cut?' in an office environment from someone you don't know very well, for example, might be a show of vulnerability (trust) and respect (for your opinion) in attempt to get you to open up. You turning them down is like declining to shake their hand. Thinking that this is about them having a mental disorder and/or getting irritated with them for bothering you with such frivolous questions is less about their need for validation and more about your inability to read a pretty normal social cue.

Context matters. Your relationship with the person matters.
 
sassafras said:
At that point, you say the truth. 'To be honest with you, I really don't care. I appreciate that you find it important and that you'd seek my opinion, but this isn't something I really think about/know about. You're better off asking someone else."

It is true, though. You might get drama from some people with this answer.... but you might get drama even when you tell them exactly what they want to hear and people pick up on a note of insincerity (real or perceived). Drama llamas have got to drama llama.

At least this way, they'll think twice about coming to you next time (and there will be a next time because the validation pit within themselves is probably bottomless). Boundary drawn.

That being said, I usually reserve this kind of response for people that I absolutely cannot be bothered with or if I'm growing annoyed with by their constant habit of using me as a source of narcissistic supply. At which point, I would strongly argue that boundaries need to be put in place and that giving them what they want is the last thing you want to do. Peace for the sake of peace is not harmony.

However, I am also on board with ABH and others who seem reluctant to look at this whole affirmation business as a black and white issue. Some people may seek affirmation less for themselves and more for the sake of connecting with you. An innocuous comment like 'do you like my hair cut?' in an office environment from someone you don't know very well, for example, might be a show of vulnerability (trust) and respect (for your opinion) in attempt to get you to open up. You turning them down is like declining to shake their hand. Thinking that this is about them having a mental disorder and/or getting irritated with them for bothering you with such frivolous questions is less about their need for validation and more about your inability to read a pretty normal social cue.

Context matters. Your relationship with the person matters.
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Great points, sass.

Every situation is different depending on the relationship you have with that person. Major gray areas.

I would rather not even respond to the example question (about the hair). But if I had to, I would probably suggest a different tone and cleaner lines to complement their features better. I would make sure to point out anything positive that I see. And I would make it clear at the end that my opinion doesn't necessarily matter as long as they like it. But they did ask so...
 
Well, here's the thing: I'm not a very judgmental person, but I'm also not very affirming. I'm more likely to just offer a dry analytical response.

For me, the only thing that really blacklists is a tendency to harm. Beyond that, I'm just going to offer dry analytical suggestions on how they can get where they need to go without judging positively or negatively, unless it involves their causing harm/suffering, in which case I WILL tend to discuss how they can avoid that with them.

I don't think the need for affirmation/validation annoys me, unless the person tries blaming me for being dry. I think my approach is the closest to non-response with total honesty. If someone asks "am I able to do X" and they can't do X, I'll tell that honestly. This isn't a negative judgment, it's neutral, it's just a fact.
 
charlatan said:
Well, here's the thing: I'm not a very judgmental person, but I'm also not very affirming. I'm more likely to just offer a dry analytical response.

For me, the only thing that really blacklists is a tendency to harm. Beyond that, I'm just going to offer dry analytical suggestions on how they can get where they need to go without judging positively or negatively, unless it involves their causing harm/suffering, in which case I WILL tend to discuss how they can avoid that with them.

I don't think the need for affirmation/validation annoys me, unless the person tries blaming me for being dry. I think my approach is the closest to non-response with total honesty. If someone asks "am I able to do X" and they can't do X, I'll tell that honestly. This isn't a negative judgment, it's neutral, it's just a fact.
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I don't like abusive attacks when the affirmation seeker doesn't get anything from me... But I won't engage dry or otherwise. Perhaps some little words of "no thanks" might avert the pressure.
 
I guess I'm fine with not engaging if the person isn't known to me; if it's someone close, I'll engage/analyze!

(Not many are close to me)

I am usually kind and affectionate, no problem, but basically, I don't tend to be that good a source of affirmation. My *default* is being kind and affectionate, but basically, anything beyond that is just going to be writing essays about why a position is true or not.
 
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