[INFJ] post first date situation

JustPhil said:
if your gut tells you its "entertainment" then you just have to trust it.
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The thing is, I don't even know what my intuition is telling me anymore. I overthink my thinking and intuition gets lost somewhere in the process.

JustPhil said:
"just not meant to be"
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That's what I'm telling myself every day.
Honestly, for 2 months I was ''sure'' he's the one. And that's the problem with me... I rarely like anyone, everyone seems superficial, nothing special or only friend material and when I finally connect with someone a bit more... that's it for me, I put them on a pedestal and idealize them to the point where they can do anything and I would tolerate it. I was talking to at least 20 guys online, no one was even good enough to go on a date, and then he came..

Ren said:
Cutting him off so harshly? He's the one who cut himself off and made you feel confused in the process.
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Yeah, I guess I just thought he cared more and would never let go so easily.

SpecialEdition said:
If he's sending you a bunch of emojis and shit but isn't actually communicating regularly
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Actually sounds a lot like him.
I won't write him again.
 
BlackHorse said:
Honestly, for 2 months I was ''sure'' he's the one. And that's the problem with me... I rarely like anyone, everyone seems superficial, nothing special or only friend material and when I finally connect with someone a bit more... that's it for me, I put them on a pedestal and idealize them to the point where they can do anything and I would tolerate it. I was talking to at least 20 guys online, no one was even good enough to go on a date, and then he came..
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When you say "online" are you referring to a dating app? Have you ever dated someone you met irl first?

I'm just wondering if that might not be an alternative to consider. There's a familiar trap with online dating I find, which is precisely what you describe—meeting a person that seems to really connect, idealising them, and feeling like we know them already when we actually don't.

I've fallen into that trap plenty of times myself. In a sense the part of that guy who suddenly flaked was "in him" the whole time; you just didn't see it before because you only knew what he presented to you online. The same can happen in irl interactions too of course, but irl people are less in control of what they present, and so you can get a sense of who they are faster.
 
Ren said:
When you say "online" are you referring to a dating app? Have you ever dated someone you met irl first?

I'm just wondering if that might not be an alternative to consider. There's a familiar trap with online dating I find, which is precisely what you describe—meeting a person that seems to really connect, idealising them, and feeling like we know them already when we actually don't.

I've fallen into that trap plenty of times myself. In a sense the part of that guy who suddenly flaked was "in him" the whole time; you just didn't see it before because you only knew what he presented to you online. The same can happen in irl interactions too of course, but irl people are less in control of what they present, and so you can get a sense of who they are faster.
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I started with online dating in January for the first time in my life so yeah, he's the only guy I've met on a dating app and actually had romatinc interest in.
A few days ago I actually spoke to my friend who works with him. She said he's basically a womanizer and a narcissist, only bragging about how many girls he slept with and that it's obvious that's exactly what he wants with me. I was in such a shock, I didn't know what to say. He presented himself to me in a completely different light. He seemed perfect. Caring, simple, funny, confident guy. And he NEVER even started a conversation about sex with me, which seems odd, I still don't know what or who to believe.
 
BlackHorse said:
A few days ago I actually spoke to my friend who works with him. She said he's basically a womanizer and a narcissist, only bragging about how many girls he slept with and that it's obvious that's exactly what he wants with me. I was in such a shock, I didn't know what to say. He presented himself to me in a completely different light. He seemed perfect. Caring, simple, funny, confident guy. And he NEVER even started a conversation about sex with me, which seems odd, I still don't know what or who to believe.
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Well, it's possible that your friend used the word 'narcissist' a little bit loosely, but either way I think you should forget about him.

He sounds like trouble and you're the ideal kind of target I'm afraid. If he gets back in touch, you should keep your distance.
 
Ren said:
Well, it's possible that your friend used the word 'narcissist' a little bit loosely, but either way I think you should forget about him.

He sounds like trouble and you're the ideal kind of target I'm afraid. If he gets back in touch, you should keep your distance.
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Yeah well he kinda gives a ''me, me, me'' vibe.. But it can be just confidence :grimacing:
I'm actually scared that he will just magically reappear, highy unlikely though.
 
Just carry on with your life.
 
ruji said:
He's obviously not interested anymore. I meant in the beginning
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I'd say it's possible that he will get back to her at some point, because he knows (or at least is under the secure impression) that she is very interested and will meet up with him no matter what.

Or maybe not. But either way, I think it's dead.
 
BlackHorse said:
Yeah well he kinda gives a ''me, me, me'' vibe.. But it can be just confidence :grimacing:
I'm actually scared that he will just magically reappear, highy unlikely though.
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BlackHorse, if 20 guys were talking to you until recently, you obviously attract interest so I don't doubt you will get to meet another, more interesting person soon enough. Think about all the uggys out there who don't have the same luck!

Focus on someone who actually deserves you.
 
Ren said:
I'd say it's possible that he will get back to her at some point, because he knows (or at least is under the secure impression) that she is very interested and will meet up with him no matter what.
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That is certainly possible, but it makes no sense to feel that way if you're truly disinterested.
To play that kind of a long game, he wouldn't know how wasteful of time and energy it is.
 
@Professor Snep I'm definitely carrying on with my life and I know I'm better off without him. However, he's not 100% forgotten.

Ren said:
BlackHorse, if 20 guys were talking to you until recently, you obviously attract interest so I don't doubt you will get to meet another, more interesting person soon enough. Think about all the uggys out there who don't have the same luck!

Focus on someone who actually deserves you.
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But no one is interesting! And I'm getting sick of the small talk.

ruji said:
She wants the best. Back off, uggy (I jest)
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Ugh I don't know.. if they're physically nice I swipe right (Tinder obviously:tearsofjoy:) and after that I sometimes get a hunch ''wow he's awesome'', but usually I don't.
Online dating sounds simple but it's draining me.
 
BlackHorse said:
But no one is interesting! And I'm getting sick of the small talk.
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It's strange. I mean, statistically out of 20 conversations, at least 3 or 4 should be interesting. Do you live in Sensor City?

Or else there is a mismatch between the kind of guys you swipe right and the kind of expectations you actually have.

BlackHorse said:
That makes sense.
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Says she without the least bit of conviction :laughing:
 
@BlackHorse

Just speaking from my own personal experience since I have nothing else to bank on,

I wonder if as a child you experienced conditional love or had adults in your life who seemed very hot and cold with their affection? Either always distant or sometimes close, sometimes distant?

I've finally entered a healthy relationship after being fixated time and time again on men who I got along "great!" With, but who wouldn't put in the time and effort for me. My reaction was to try even harder... And the reality was, that didn't fix things.

From my experience now having a mutual connection, if a man is interested he will be very proactive. My guy is bad at replying to texts but he told me that in the beginning and he always does reply back. He frequently reaches out just to say he misses me and he'll make time for me even when he worked 2 jobs.

I had accepted unhealthy love in the past mostly because it was familiar, what I was used to. It feels really intense and gets adrenaline in your system and your on your toes all the time. I mistook this feeling for love when it was really insecurity; not necessarily my insecurity, but insecurity of my child self that just wanted to be loved and didn't understand why my parents acted like they did.

I strongly believe that people who are drawn to others who don't treat them right are attracted to them because of some unconscious belief about themselves.

For me my belief is,

"I can only be loved if I do everything everyone wants me to do and be what they want me to be"

That's been really hard for me to tackle but now that I'm consciously aware of the belief I'm better at catching myself when I start thinking it's real again.
 
Ren said:
It's strange. I mean, statistically out of 20 conversations, at least 3 or 4 should be interesting. Do you live in Sensor City?

Or else there is a mismatch between the kind of guys you swipe right and the kind of expectations you actually have.

Says she without the least bit of conviction :laughing:
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1. They want sex after 2 min conversation (or after 2 days, doesn't matter)
2. Shorter than me
3. Boring small talk for 3 days straight
4. Annoying slang
5. Cocky
6. Really insecure
7. Compliments way too much (makes me close up)
8. Pushy (again, makes me close up)
Instant turn offs and sadly everyone has at least on of those traits. And don't get me wrong, some people are interesting.. for a day or two.
Wth is Sensor City? :laughing:
 
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@slant My childhood was amazing, never had any issues whatsoever.
Yeah I've had same problem with ''trying even harder'' .. but relationship with my first bf taught me a lesson and I never did it again. If they don't reply I'm done, ofc that doesn't mean I don't obsess over them.. Working on that part still.

slant said:
I strongly believe that people who are drawn to others who don't treat them right are attracted to them because of some unconscious belief about themselves.
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I noticed I get drawn to people that have what I want or what I wanna be.
 
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