Should you spank kids?

Let's rephrase the question to be more formal:

What is your position on physically abusing your children if they don't listen?

Or why stop there when there are other related questions:

Would you use corrective violence on co-workers who don't listen?
Or strangers on the street?
Or someone who trusts you and is incapable of fighting back?

When is it right to hit a stranger?
When is it right to hit your child?

Here's an article about a study suggesting that abuse, neglect and maltreatment experienced as a child will inhibit the growth of hippocampus, still visible in brain scans as an adult. The damage is linked to higher occurrence of depression and schitzophrenia.

https://www.livescience.com/18453-child-abuse-brain.html

Or you can start on wikipedia, particularly see the subsection on the effects on child development

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Corporal_punishment_in_the_home#Effects_on_behaviour_and_development

Numerous studies have found increased risk of impaired child development from the use of corporal punishment. Corporal punishment by parents has been linked to increased aggression, mental health problems, impaired cognitive development, and drug and alcohol abuse
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I do think (and I will acknowledge that this is debatable) that there is a difference between spanking and striking/abusing a child. I definitely did not consider the corporal punishment that I received to equate to abuse, like getting punched or slapped, or otherwise getting "hit".
 
Violence is no use in learning as it is oppressive authority that might either cause rebellion or growing up to someone who doesn't question anything. Explaining reason to a kid might be hard as it requires empathy and certain clearness.

If a kid decides to for example hit other kids at school he might just as well learn his lesson getting beaten by other kids his age.
 
These days, if you say that you were spanked as a child, society will tell you that you were abused and hence you are anxious/depressed/bipolar etc. But what about all the anxious/depressed/bipolar adults that were NOT spanked as kids?

I was spanked as a child, and so was everyone in my family when they were children. Perhaps it has to do with culture, as in the Mediterranean country that I come from corporal punishment was normal and it still is, although less so.
It is my belief that in order for a child to respect you, it has to fear you somehow. There are children out there who do not listen no matter what you tell them.
 
Artemisia said:
These days, if you say that you were spanked as a child, society will tell you that you were abused and hence you are anxious/depressed/bipolar etc. But what about all the anxious/depressed/bipolar adults that were NOT spanked as kids?
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I was only thinking of this question this morning...very interesting....Thx for posting.
 
Wyote said:
Growing up in daycares I saw a lot of spanking and outright abuse. You could put it on a calendar, if a kid got spanked they'd act out more volitally within weeks.

It doesn't solve their issue of being unable to channel anger, it just makes them fearful of expressing anything and so they internalize more.

I was never hit and I threw plenty of tantrums. I was largely punished by taking freedoms and privileges away.

There are effective alternatives. Hitting is lazy.
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Amen
 
I got spanked too, sometimes with thick and heavy leather belts.. As a little HSP, INFJ.. Hell, as a little human.. I felt very demeaned, humiliated, and ashamed though I was not the one enforcing. I will agree that abuse for the sake of it, aka beatings, punches, kicks, and burns etc are a different story than being spanked..

That said.. I think spanking is psychologically damaging to a young child.. It creates in the child an anxiety, a deep seated fear, a walking on eggshells sense of paranoia that lasts a lifetime.. It did for me. And the shame and confusion is the worst..

To discipline a child you need two things..

Consistency & clarity

As a famous psychologist said best.. "Know your kids currency"..
 
I'm prone to think parents who spank or intimidate their children try to exert too much control on kids decisions. I don't think the motivations for doing so are any worth the means, especially when I consider those kids will grow and be thrown to control their own lives by their own will.

I'm not for permissive behavior or for giving up control on them, but more for stimulating mental processes that makes the kid aim for what I consider a more favorable decision. It changes the focus on controlling actions towards controlling thought patterns, which I want to be healthier and long-term useful.
 
Kids have plenty to fear without their parents striking them. Not only do you not have to spank your kids, you don't have you yell at them either. If you can't see or do this than you should have reconsidered whether or not you were ready to have kids. (I wish i had had the discipline to not raise my voice).
 
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Spanking itself, I don’t think, harms anyone. It’s the emotions behind it that can be damaging. I think if you tell a three year old not to put whatever he/she finds on the floor into their mouth, they do it, and you spank them - you’re going to cause them psychological harm because three year olds are not cognitively developed enough to do what you’ve asked. If you ask an average six year old the same, they keep doing it, and you warn them that they will be punished with a spanking if they continue to do it, then I don’t think that is harmful - that is discipline. If the six year is spanked for any old thing that the parent dislikes, then yes, they will become anxious. Or, if they’re spanked only when the parent is in a bad mood, they too will become abusive. So, again, circumstances matter. I wouldn’t want my kids to be afraid of me.
 
uzbirn said:
I'm prone to think parents who spank or intimidate their children try to exert too much control on kids decisions. I don't think the motivations for doing so are any worth the means, especially when I consider those kids will grow and be thrown to control their own lives by their own will.

I'm not for permissive behavior or for giving up control on them, but more for stimulating mental processes that makes the kid aim for what I consider a more favorable decision. It changes the focus on controlling actions towards controlling thought patterns, which I want to be healthier and long-term useful.
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Ever seen "Dr" Phil? I personally cannot stand that show or his ideas very much.. He's harsh and rude imo... but he did say one smart thing once as I was forced to watch an episode for 20 mins at someone elses house.. He said.. "Know your kids currency"..

It's so true too.. If your 3 year old loves his star wars lego storm troopers and tie fighter more than air, 9 times out of 10 if he is doing something he ought not to.. and you tell him ok, I told you no, so, if you keep doing x then the trooper is mine for 5 mins.. and BE CONSISTENT!! You can bet they will stop. No anger needed on the parents part. In fact it's sorta funny to watch.. ;) I think that is sort of the thought you are expressing, yes?
 
MistyWrites said:
Ever seen "Dr" Phil? I personally cannot stand that show or his ideas very much.. He's harsh and rude imo... but he did say one smart thing once as I was forced to watch an episode for 20 mins at someone elses house.. He said.. "Know your kids currency"..

It's so true too.. If your 3 year old loves his star wars lego storm troopers and tie fighter more than air, 9 times out of 10 if he is doing something he ought not to.. and you tell him ok, I told you no, so, if you keep doing x then the trooper is mine for 5 mins.. and BE CONSISTENT!! You can bet they will stop. No anger needed on the parents part. In fact it's sorta funny to watch.. ;) I think that is sort of the thought you are expressing, yes?
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I've barely read some mentions of Dr Phil online and I've never seen it on local TV here, so I don't know well his show.
But yes, that's a way of gradually leading the kid to figure out he can choose for himself changing into what you want them to do (and further on time, to figure why it was a better decision).
 
uzbirn said:
I've barely read some mentions of Dr Phil online and I've never seen it on local TV here, so I don't know well his show.
But yes, that's a way of gradually leading the kid to figure out he can choose for himself changing into what you want them to do (and further on time, to figure why it was a better decision).
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Absolutely :blush:
 
There is no child that I would spank however I can think of several adults whom I would gladly put over my knee.
 
It is never acceptable to hit another human being simply to punish them.

Here is an example where hitting the child was unfortunate but acceptable to me:

 
Spanked until I was 9. When I was what I call 'laced with the belt', (big red/purple welts on my back, backside and legs), for a crime I did not commit, and the sheriff was called to my elementary school nurse's office because I could not sit down in my seat, I was never spanked again.

To me that day was a beating and no where close to a spanking. We teach our young yes and no very early in life, often without realizing the desensitization we are inflicting upon them...physically as well as emotionally.

Back story is, my older sister, 14 at the time, took the money and pack of cigarettes off the kitchen table that my Dad had put there. He was working double and tripple shifts at work at the time and had just tossed the contents of his pockets on the table when he had come in from work. Upon waking to return back to work after only a couple hours, Dad noticed the items missing. He was pissed to say the least. He came in my room, turned on the light, and asked me where they were, while yelling my sisters name at the same time. My sister's room was off my room, meaning one had to walk through my room to get to hers. He was so angry he snatched my covers because I wouldn't get up. I hadn't done anything, so I assumed I was in the clear. Imagine my surprise when he snatched the covers and the money and cigarettes went flying in the air :( After he retrieved his stuff, he snatched me by the arm, I started bawling and pleading my case, as he dragged me kicking and screaming downstairs. He took his belt and beat me until my mother grabbed his arm and said stop. They argued, he went back to work.

Later, I went to school. I wiggled in my seat on the bus, and tried sitting in class, but it hurt so much so that I could not. The teacher was angry, I cried hysterically, and was sent to the principal for disrupting class. The principal called his secretary in, they then called the nurse, and I went with her. When the officer showed up I was crying silently because in my mind I was in big trouble. Mom had to come to school and get me. The sheriff, two state troopers and two CPA people searched my room and home. My mom was very upset when another state trooper walked through the door with my dad.

I was almost removed from my home that day...however, back then folks didn't view corporal punishment in the same way they do today. Dad got a slap on the hand, promised never to do that again, and everyone went away...so did some of my pride and spirit.

I do not believe in hitting, not a child, nor adult. To me there is no sensible reason for it. I don't believe in yelling either. Young children, (and adults), do need dicipline. I believe childeren learn self-discipline and a sense of right or wrong when we set them down and explain why their behavior is unacceptable, and privledges outlined that will temporarily be taken away for an agreed upon time. This works well with kids age 2 and up, I believe babies should be allowed to be babies ;). By the same regard, children should have it explained why when they behave well, that this is acceptable, praised and appreciated.

I firmly believe that many children do not know the difference between well-behaved and mis-behaved because they were not taught so when young. I also believe that many of the nerosis adults experience came from being hit and screamed at when young.

Childhood Schemeas are built between the ages of birth and 7 or 8. These schemas are used while an adult to problem-solve life experiences. These schemas also build an adult attachment style, which we use in the relationships we form in life. If all we see are our caregivers hitting and screaming, how then are we to grow into healthy adults and not settle our grievences with others without the hitting and screaming?? We teach our young people by example after all.
 
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