Social settings: are we really open and truthful?

[just me]

Are we wrong to limit the information we share about ourselves? Is it wrong to feel the time has not come for sharing some things? If we are not historically very sociable, why should we share so much about ourselves?

People in a social gathering make conversation by asking about others' lives, but those who are not very sociable may feel uncomfortable about sharing where they came from, what they did, and such. Yet, saying something truthful may not come across as being friendly.
"I'd really rather not talk about my past", for example.

Are we wrong to tell someone what they want to hear instead of how we feel?

Personally, I've always been secretive about my self. I can adapt to what others say and answer in their own language. When I answer in my own language, it just causes more questions. My answer should tell them I don't want to discuss myself, but they just can't seem to understand it. It is as if they think I'm playing a question and answer game.

 

[Korg]

"I'd really rather not talk about my past" is valid but socially clumsy.

You don't have to tell someone what they want to hear or lie about yourself. Redirecting conversation is just a skill that you develop with practice. Maybe that is what you mean by "my own language", though.

 

[John K]

I’d turn the question on its head to explore it further - is it wrong to share unlimited information about ourselves without discrimination?

Depends what’s meant by sharing - the deepest information about myself can’t easily be expressed in words, even to myself. It gets scrambled through a cheese grinder if I try to. And then, people can only relate to a lot of the most significant of what you say about yourself if they have prior relevant experience of life.

For example, most people have no conception of what clinical anxiety bordering on psychosis is like, nor what it’s like caring for someone who suffers in this way - telling about it leads all too easily to profound misunderstanding. In other words you can’t tell them about it even if you try - it’s like explaining red to someone blind from birth.

So I think not only is it not wrong to withhold certain information about ourselves, but it’s actually wrong to try in some situations without knowing and trusting the recipient. The gift needed is that of discernment of what, when, why, to whom and how.

 

[just me]

Once again, if we are not historically very sociable...any attempt has never worked except with those we have at least learned to be a bit comfy around. I feel being this uncomfortable is why many don't even try. "I like hurricanes; you, not so much."

Funny how we can just meet a person and feel like we have known them all our lives, even with no words spoken. If that spirit were with us, we could get along better because we feel like we are not alone any longer. It may happen only once for us, but it is an amazing feeling we could never explain. Maybe writing about it would be easier.

 

[QuickTwist]

I've always struggled talking about myself. I've mostly attributed this to "I'm not successful," or something. One thing my mom told me is that if I don't know how to talk about myself, I should just ask the other person questions because most people love talking about themselves.

 

[just me]

Appreciate the replies. It has been so long, I almost feel like just staying away from people.

Most people knew me where I moved from..."Don't ask!" Here, can't a person just move on? Almost feel like just moving back and doing what I was doing before with people I knew or did not know. Not very happy. One guy asks questions almost every time I see him. Drives me bonkers. I want friends, but that has almost always taken lots of time.

One very old friend knows me better than most. He and I talked the other day on the phone about this. He said if I did make any new friends, I'd probably end up saying something that would run them off.

 

[Hyacinth]

Are we wrong to limit the information we share about ourselves? Is it wrong to feel the time has not come for sharing some things? If we are not historically very sociable, why should we share so much about ourselves?

People in a social gathering make conversation by asking about others' lives, but those who are not very sociable may feel uncomfortable about sharing where they came from, what they did, and such. Yet, saying something truthful may not come across as being friendly.
"I'd really rather not talk about my past", for example.

Are we wrong to tell someone what they want to hear instead of how we feel?

Personally, I've always been secretive about my self. I can adapt to what others say and answer in their own language. When I answer in my own language, it just causes more questions. My answer should tell them I don't want to discuss myself, but they just can't seem to understand it. It is as if they think I'm playing a question and answer game.

I think a lot of our information sharing comes from our history and what we have learned is ok and not ok to share about ourselves. For instance I tried opening up to ppl after several family members recently died all in a short amount of time from each other because I learned life is short and to take that leap because those you’ve never been open to never got to know the real you. I learned this isn’t a good approach though because opening up and being vulnerable exposes you to many of the personality types that use vulnerabilities as weakness and they jump all over that chance to destroy you if they erroneously believe that you think you’re too good for everyone simply because you are a quiet type and they’ve never been able to figure you out before. Because of this I’ve learned it’s more socially appropriate to keep my mouth shut because most ppl aren’t capable of handling your truths. They twist it to make things what they are not (usually mental health issues) when that’s really not the case, youve just been forever surrounded in environments where the mere idea of being you was seen as wrong. We make a lot of other personality types extremely uncomfortable just by being ourselves although I haven’t been able to exactly place my finger on the direct cause of this however I have several theories.

 

[just me]

@Hyacinth
I love your thoughtful and experienced post. Sorry for your losses. May I share something here? No, he is not like me.

I relate to this scene so much. He doesn't accept trying to be like everyone else. Something inside him knows he can make this shot, so he gives it a try. He had a great chance, but something changed during his attempt: the wind. Instead of taking the drop by the water, he drops where he is to try it again, and again, and again. "Somebody tackle him!"

We try and try, but at what costs? We ask ourselves if it is worth it all. Maybe our mere presence and our true selves have reason. We are told to let our light shine, but it sort of blinds people and they are apt to take it wrong. First time I watched this, I saw it as a meltdown of sorts. He makes the shot, but at what costs? The prize was proving he could do it, but we don't have to prove anything. He knew he could make that shot without a doubt. Isn't "knowing" good enough for us sometimes? We truly would not be taking any risks if we knew. We have nothing to prove to society; heck, we have tried helping most our lives from behind the scenes.

Isn't it great when we feel like someone just "gets" us? How wonderful a feeling after all these years.