Social settings: are we really open and truthful?

[just me]

Are we wrong to limit the information we share about ourselves? Is it wrong to feel the time has not come for sharing some things? If we are not historically very sociable, why should we share so much about ourselves?

People in a social gathering make conversation by asking about others' lives, but those who are not very sociable may feel uncomfortable about sharing where they came from, what they did, and such. Yet, saying something truthful may not come across as being friendly.
"I'd really rather not talk about my past", for example.

Are we wrong to tell someone what they want to hear instead of how we feel?

Personally, I've always been secretive about my self. I can adapt to what others say and answer in their own language. When I answer in my own language, it just causes more questions. My answer should tell them I don't want to discuss myself, but they just can't seem to understand it. It is as if they think I'm playing a question and answer game.

 

[Korg]

"I'd really rather not talk about my past" is valid but socially clumsy.

You don't have to tell someone what they want to hear or lie about yourself. Redirecting conversation is just a skill that you develop with practice. Maybe that is what you mean by "my own language", though.

 

[John K]

I’d turn the question on its head to explore it further - is it wrong to share unlimited information about ourselves without discrimination?

Depends what’s meant by sharing - the deepest information about myself can’t easily be expressed in words, even to myself. It gets scrambled through a cheese grinder if I try to. And then, people can only relate to a lot of the most significant of what you say about yourself if they have prior relevant experience of life.

For example, most people have no conception of what clinical anxiety bordering on psychosis is like, nor what it’s like caring for someone who suffers in this way - telling about it leads all too easily to profound misunderstanding. In other words you can’t tell them about it even if you try - it’s like explaining red to someone blind from birth.

So I think not only is it not wrong to withhold certain information about ourselves, but it’s actually wrong to try in some situations without knowing and trusting the recipient. The gift needed is that of discernment of what, when, why, to whom and how.

 

[just me]

Once again, if we are not historically very sociable...any attempt has never worked except with those we have at least learned to be a bit comfy around. I feel being this uncomfortable is why many don't even try. "I like hurricanes; you, not so much."

Funny how we can just meet a person and feel like we have known them all our lives, even with no words spoken. If that spirit were with us, we could get along better because we feel like we are not alone any longer. It may happen only once for us, but it is an amazing feeling we could never explain. Maybe writing about it would be easier.

 

[QuickTwist]

I've always struggled talking about myself. I've mostly attributed this to "I'm not successful," or something. One thing my mom told me is that if I don't know how to talk about myself, I should just ask the other person questions because most people love talking about themselves.

 

[just me]

Appreciate the replies. It has been so long, I almost feel like just staying away from people.

Most people knew me where I moved from..."Don't ask!" Here, can't a person just move on? Almost feel like just moving back and doing what I was doing before with people I knew or did not know. Not very happy. One guy asks questions almost every time I see him. Drives me bonkers. I want friends, but that has almost always taken lots of time.

One very old friend knows me better than most. He and I talked the other day on the phone about this. He said if I did make any new friends, I'd probably end up saying something that would run them off.

 

[Hyacinth]

Are we wrong to limit the information we share about ourselves? Is it wrong to feel the time has not come for sharing some things? If we are not historically very sociable, why should we share so much about ourselves?

People in a social gathering make conversation by asking about others' lives, but those who are not very sociable may feel uncomfortable about sharing where they came from, what they did, and such. Yet, saying something truthful may not come across as being friendly.
"I'd really rather not talk about my past", for example.

Are we wrong to tell someone what they want to hear instead of how we feel?

Personally, I've always been secretive about my self. I can adapt to what others say and answer in their own language. When I answer in my own language, it just causes more questions. My answer should tell them I don't want to discuss myself, but they just can't seem to understand it. It is as if they think I'm playing a question and answer game.

I think a lot of our information sharing comes from our history and what we have learned is ok and not ok to share about ourselves. For instance I tried opening up to ppl after several family members recently died all in a short amount of time from each other because I learned life is short and to take that leap because those you’ve never been open to never got to know the real you. I learned this isn’t a good approach though because opening up and being vulnerable exposes you to many of the personality types that use vulnerabilities as weakness and they jump all over that chance to destroy you if they erroneously believe that you think you’re too good for everyone simply because you are a quiet type and they’ve never been able to figure you out before. Because of this I’ve learned it’s more socially appropriate to keep my mouth shut because most ppl aren’t capable of handling your truths. They twist it to make things what they are not (usually mental health issues) when that’s really not the case, youve just been forever surrounded in environments where the mere idea of being you was seen as wrong. We make a lot of other personality types extremely uncomfortable just by being ourselves although I haven’t been able to exactly place my finger on the direct cause of this however I have several theories.

 

[just me]

@Hyacinth
I love your thoughtful and experienced post. Sorry for your losses. May I share something here? No, he is not like me.

I relate to this scene so much. He doesn't accept trying to be like everyone else. Something inside him knows he can make this shot, so he gives it a try. He had a great chance, but something changed during his attempt: the wind. Instead of taking the drop by the water, he drops where he is to try it again, and again, and again. "Somebody tackle him!"

We try and try, but at what costs? We ask ourselves if it is worth it all. Maybe our mere presence and our true selves have reason. We are told to let our light shine, but it sort of blinds people and they are apt to take it wrong. First time I watched this, I saw it as a meltdown of sorts. He makes the shot, but at what costs? The prize was proving he could do it, but we don't have to prove anything. He knew he could make that shot without a doubt. Isn't "knowing" good enough for us sometimes? We truly would not be taking any risks if we knew. We have nothing to prove to society; heck, we have tried helping most our lives from behind the scenes.

Isn't it great when we feel like someone just "gets" us? How wonderful a feeling after all these years.

 

[Hyacinth]

@Hyacinth
I love your thoughtful and experienced post. Sorry for your losses. May I share something here? No, he is not like me.

I relate to this scene so much. He doesn't accept trying to be like everyone else. Something inside him knows he can make this shot, so he gives it a try. He had a great chance, but something changed during his attempt: the wind. Instead of taking the drop by the water, he drops where he is to try it again, and again, and again. "Somebody tackle him!"

We try and try, but at what costs? We ask ourselves if it is worth it all. Maybe our mere presence and our true selves have reason. We are told to let our light shine, but it sort of blinds people and they are apt to take it wrong. First time I watched this, I saw it as a meltdown of sorts. He makes the shot, but at what costs? The prize was proving he could do it, but we don't have to prove anything. He knew he could make that shot without a doubt. Isn't "knowing" good enough for us sometimes? We truly would not be taking any risks if we knew. We have nothing to prove to society; heck, we have tried helping most our lives from behind the scenes.

Isn't it great when we feel like someone just "gets" us? How wonderful a feeling after all these years.

Honestly the not caring is what has screwed me up the most in life. This is seen as a direct threat to all other personality types that relies on validations from others to ensure they feel seen and heard so finding a job that doesn’t see me as not caring as a threat has been an issue. If it hasn’t affected my ability to get and keep a job I’d have seriously zero issues at all but since our society somehow is so dang dependent on this unspoken rule that you have to be like everyone else you either learn how to mask it or you go through life continuously job hunting. Profits are put over ppl. Sigh. If I could just not be me for a few years so I wasn’t always struggling financially that’d be perfect.

 

[Wyote]

Fun Fact: My grandma is in that scene of Tin Cup, in the crowd

 

[just me]

If I could just not be me for a few years so I wasn’t always struggling financially that’d be perfect.

Being the way you are is awesome. Struggling financially is not fun. I went from here to there most of my life. You are not alone. I would like to think we are in good company. I feel we are.
This "unspoken rule" is the way those others are. We should learn to accept this, as tough as it seems.

"You're different. Sooner or later, different scares people." Chris's father gives Chris a few words of advice in this The Accountant movie quote.
We do not know that it scares everyone, most everyone, a few, or none at all. We do feel their discomfort, though. We can't help that.
We can worry or let that feeling bother us, or we can make a decision to just deal with it. If things are the way they are and we do not expect anything changing, maybe we should try and learn to deal with it. It is what it is, so let it be. We want to get along and have money to get by with, too. That means we must try to accept them the way they are as well. Nobody ever said it would be easy. Wish you the best.

 

[Hyacinth]

Being the way you are is awesome. Struggling financially is not fun. I went from here to there most of my life. You are not alone. I would like to think we are in good company. I feel we are.
This "unspoken rule" is the way those others are. We should learn to accept this, as tough as it seems.

"You're different. Sooner or later, different scares people." Chris's father gives Chris a few words of advice in this The Accountant movie quote.
We do not know that it scares everyone, most everyone, a few, or none at all. We do feel their discomfort, though. We can't help that.
We can worry or let that feeling bother us, or we can make a decision to just deal with it. If things are the way they are and we do not expect anything changing, maybe we should try and learn to deal with it. It is what it is, so let it be. We want to get along and have money to get by with, too. That means we must try to accept them the way they are as well. Nobody ever said it would be easy. Wish you the best.

I definitely accept them for who they are but the KPI indexes I am evaluated on in jobs that I have leads me to being fired (or even worse) ….pushed out until I am forced to quit. I thought it was ptsd, it’s not. I think what I am suffering from is called burnout and I am finding that more ppl are struggling with it than I originally realized. It is in every organization, in every company, and in every business type. I personally haven’t met a single gen X friend of mine who isn’t seriously struggling, not sure how the generations after me are handling it but ppl in my generation are feeling used, depleted, worn out, and feeling like failures. I believe it’s a systematic failure of America and tbh I feel we are on a cusp of an economic crisis in America and that is what is truly at the heart of what is affecting me. It’s us lower middle class being squeezed out (I used to be high middle class, pushed down to middle middle class and now I’m lower middle class). I struggle paying my mortgage, getting and keeping a job, and I see it with my nursing friends as well. They are understaffed and underpaid expecting to do the work of three nurses while getting no performance bonuses for the extra loads they are carrying meanwhile the top 3% of earners at the very top of the corporation are getting richer on the backbones of their workers. It is not sustainable and I am by far not alone. But my fear is that I will lose my home once the outstanding debt that the government can’t pay causes the dollar to become useless. I feel like I’m in a race against time so my home isn’t taken away from me when America hits this plateau and America goes through a massive transformation completely shaking up this country. It’s so much more than personality types, political discord, not feeling safe. It’s looking in the mirror wondering what it is I did so wrong where I’m at this point that when I take two steps forward I am forever seemingly taking three steps back and going from bad to worse.

 

[just me]

@Hyacinth
We sold what we had and downsized. It wasn't (and isn't) easy. I noticed the other day both our life insurances are only good to a certain age I am quickly approaching. If something happens to one of us, life will be tougher than nails for the other. I had my corporation dissolved, as nobody would buy it. It was really nothing without me. Had to sell inventory for scrap metal. Today, both of us were with two different friends. One needs to be in the hospital, and the other is in the hospital. I asked my wife tonight before she crashed, " Isn't trying to help our friends better than waiting on a phone to ring for nothing?" We are lucky today, but we both wonder about each other and tomorrow. She agreed.

As for America? God help us all, but it can become worldwide. We made it through some really tough times. People in soup lines. War. Depression. Our world has some really wonderful people in it, too. It hurts. We made it through those times. We can do it again. I see families living with other families. Would an infj step up to the plate to try and help the world, getting noticed? Many of us must step outside our comfort zones and try to help each other survive. Is it fair? Wounds need healing and take time, and pain comes along with some of those wounds. I don't hate greedy people, but I surely hate greed. I have a hard time with lazy people who expect they can just watch. We are being torn, but we cannot stop trying. A friend had a stroke and a heart attack recently, but he wasn't doing anything much but laying on the couch. He has money, but his health is going fast. Why? Why did he just stop doing things? Something must hurt him deeply, I think, and maybe he doesn't talk about it. Maybe he has nobody he wishes to open up to. We all need each other. We also need leadership that understands what it is like to be without. As the song said, there will be no white flag upon this ship(though taken out of context).