Thoughts From A Tired Soul
- Thread starter Sandie33
- Start date
♡There has been much going on in my world currently.
I hold you all near and dear and will return here and there as time allows.....
A tough day for me today...Nobody tells you that you’re going to miss taking care of your loved one...your Dad...
The one who showed you how to change a sparkplug or a cylinoid, the one who showed you how to knock the ball out of the park, the one who set rocks so you could parallel park the lawnmower because your driver's test was coming up, the one who taught you that loud rustle in the leaves was a squirrel and not a bear and that you should look closer to be sure, the one that re-taught you fractions using a ruler because you forgot your "16's"...the one who taught you to listen twice as much as you speak because it's okay to be quiet.
That you’re going to miss feeding them and helping them navigate their daily chores.
That you’re going to miss helping them stand up and walking with them as they slowly move about.
Nobody tells you that you’re going to miss the long, slow days spent with your loved one.
That you’re going to miss singing songs to them and watching reruns of tv shows you've seen a thousand times.
That you’re going to miss hearing the sound of their voice as they talk about absolutely nothing at all.
Reminiscing about their life as a young man before he became your father.
Nobody tells you that you’re going to miss the days spent slowly saying goodbye.
That you’re going to miss sitting by their bedside, holding their hands and listening to their favorite music.
That you’re going to miss telling them how much you love them and how much you’ll miss them, but also that it’s okay to let go.
Nobody tells you that you’re going to miss the quiet and special moments spent in the in-between, wanting to both desperately hold on and selflessly let go at the same time.
Nobody tells you that you’re going to miss the hard days, too...the days when he didn't see you, but someone else, yet you played along so he would continue to be calm and not be scared he was losing his sense of reality.
Or at least, nobody told me.
So, I’m telling you now.
Linger for just another moment.
Pause.
Take a beat, take a breath.
Burn the imprint of this memory into your heart and soul forever.
Because trust me, someday you’re going to miss this. ♡♡♡
The one who showed you how to change a sparkplug or a cylinoid, the one who showed you how to knock the ball out of the park, the one who set rocks so you could parallel park the lawnmower because your driver's test was coming up, the one who taught you that loud rustle in the leaves was a squirrel and not a bear and that you should look closer to be sure, the one that re-taught you fractions using a ruler because you forgot your "16's"...the one who taught you to listen twice as much as you speak because it's okay to be quiet.
That you’re going to miss feeding them and helping them navigate their daily chores.
That you’re going to miss helping them stand up and walking with them as they slowly move about.
Nobody tells you that you’re going to miss the long, slow days spent with your loved one.
That you’re going to miss singing songs to them and watching reruns of tv shows you've seen a thousand times.
That you’re going to miss hearing the sound of their voice as they talk about absolutely nothing at all.
Reminiscing about their life as a young man before he became your father.
Nobody tells you that you’re going to miss the days spent slowly saying goodbye.
That you’re going to miss sitting by their bedside, holding their hands and listening to their favorite music.
That you’re going to miss telling them how much you love them and how much you’ll miss them, but also that it’s okay to let go.
Nobody tells you that you’re going to miss the quiet and special moments spent in the in-between, wanting to both desperately hold on and selflessly let go at the same time.
Nobody tells you that you’re going to miss the hard days, too...the days when he didn't see you, but someone else, yet you played along so he would continue to be calm and not be scared he was losing his sense of reality.
Or at least, nobody told me.
So, I’m telling you now.
Linger for just another moment.
Pause.
Take a beat, take a breath.
Burn the imprint of this memory into your heart and soul forever.
Because trust me, someday you’re going to miss this. ♡♡♡
ErikAlberto
Donor
- MBTI
- INFJ
- Enneagram
- Sorta 4
Thank you
All caught up in my feels today.
First day of the demo project and clearing the shed. Found items that I thought were long lost...and things that are treasures...but the feelings they brought up made me cry infront of the escavating crew.
I called in sick to work with a three day flu to help my dad put shingles on that old shed in 1987. I went back to work all happy and tan and my boss knew I'd fibbed about being sick...tossing 80 pound bundles of shingles up in the air 10 feet to dad so he didn't have to try and get them up the ladder built up my grocery cashier's muscles I told her. Thank goodness I didn't get fired.
Plus side with the shed gone I can see the bears this spring lol
First day of the demo project and clearing the shed. Found items that I thought were long lost...and things that are treasures...but the feelings they brought up made me cry infront of the escavating crew.
I called in sick to work with a three day flu to help my dad put shingles on that old shed in 1987. I went back to work all happy and tan and my boss knew I'd fibbed about being sick...tossing 80 pound bundles of shingles up in the air 10 feet to dad so he didn't have to try and get them up the ladder built up my grocery cashier's muscles I told her. Thank goodness I didn't get fired.
Plus side with the shed gone I can see the bears this spring lol
been a minute since I've sat still long enough to post here...
I'm still healing, six months has become more of a habit rather than a nuisance at this point. Doc says it will be another 8 weeks...grrrr.
At least I can mow my grass. I bought myself a new yard toy. A self propelled battery operated push mower with bag. It's so cute. The charge on the battery only lasts about 25 minutes in dial down granny gear. It is a good thing because then this granny can rest between charges.
The house is coming along. It seems like I've been spending money like a drunkin sailor these days...but meh. I assume 10 years and I'll be selling it all any way so perhaps I'll relax and enjoy the process.
I'm still healing, six months has become more of a habit rather than a nuisance at this point. Doc says it will be another 8 weeks...grrrr.
At least I can mow my grass. I bought myself a new yard toy. A self propelled battery operated push mower with bag. It's so cute. The charge on the battery only lasts about 25 minutes in dial down granny gear. It is a good thing because then this granny can rest between charges.
The house is coming along. It seems like I've been spending money like a drunkin sailor these days...but meh. I assume 10 years and I'll be selling it all any way so perhaps I'll relax and enjoy the process.
I went to the cemetery yesterday and sat for an hour or so. I had taken an arm full of lilac clippings to leave. It sure feels odd having both parents gone now.
Sounds crazy, however, I could hear the wind whispering through the trees to the tune of everything is gonna be all right ... now the song is stuck in my head on repeat ...
Sounds crazy, however, I could hear the wind whispering through the trees to the tune of everything is gonna be all right ... now the song is stuck in my head on repeat ...
'tis a hot and quiet day here in my lil part of the World.
What a blessing too!
Things have come full circle with my relatives ... I say that because no family I belong to would treat its kin this way.
Just shy of 8 months since Dad's passing the sharks return ... this time they brought the vultures of extended family with them.
Ouch!
I had thought with time forgiveness and understanding would come. It has not. At least not for them.
I'm a firm believer in slipping on another's shoes, regardless of how tight or loose the fit, with intent to gain understanding and perspective so that the seeds of forgiveness may be planted, and nutured to bloom.
Not with this crew...
Education has its merit. Coupled with common sense, it is indeed a force to reckon with. When the Executors letter was sent it was explicitly stated that an irrevocable trust is protected by the law. The siblings don't have a higher education, instead they barely got out of secondary school. Hard to teach the student that thinks they know everything, yet have nary a clue how the world works.
The siblings weren't to get a thing. I found two loopholes and each got their beneficiary amount. I got all the rest with discretion from Dad as to if and how the little treasures got their mementos and other keepsakes. lol. Yes, I am mean when need be. More sarcastic really.
Due to unforseen circumstance my plan was thwarted until I healed from a semi-terrifying near death experience. I'm healing well, just a little spot to go. Docs say by July I may be able to go in the pool, lol. Waiting on my liver biopsy results to get in.
In the meantime ...
No quarter. Fuk with a pirate and find out. If I were wired differently I'd have a huge bonfire and burn it all...right down to the last thumbtack. But, I'm not wired for that type of destruction.
Wait, or am I?
Wasn't there a thread in here that Hitler was labeled an INFJ? I can't think of a more destructive soul than he. Alas, that still doesn't fit me...however, that Door Slam attribute...well now, I've used that tactic more than once in all my years. lol
My Grandma always reminded me I can catch more bees with honey than vinegar ... be nice she used to say. She would tell me that I should not give up my kind nature just because they couldn't see in their dark. She was spot on. She has long passed and would find the popular saying going around lately that, "A bee can't convince a fly that honey tastes better than shit." ... neither can I.
Momma and Daddy were foster parents for just shy of 25 years to 54 children and over 20 newborns waiting to join their new adoptive family...that is a lot of kids to influence. They kept the last two girls. Adopting them and making them their own.
When mom was dying of cancer she asked me to be sure and help Daddy with my sisters because he was going to need it.
I did my best, often at the expense of my own life, money, and happiness to be there when they needed me...
Not this time When Dad died last fall I put the check mark next to that promise. Done.
Done being the whipping boy,
Done feeling treated like I wasn't good enough until they wanted something from me,
Done being called the dummy because I kept quiet even though I knew they thought they had the upper hand,
Done being the helper,
Done giving,
Just done.
They wrote a combined letter to the Court. Purgering themselves with false claims of coercion, neglect and maltreatment of Dad by me. Spending their hard won blood money on lawyers fees to have the judge chuckle and tell them No Grounds. To tell them not only is the Will sealed and uncontestable, but that I did not inherent the land, house, outbuildings and contents, but rather I purchased it all from Dad in December 2019. Which is the truth. The lawyer wrote up the bill of sale at that time and I paid Dad...With the stipulation written in the Trust, that all of it would go to auction to provide the funds for Dad should he need long term care...thank goodness he was able to stay at home instead.
Side note, not a one of them would have done that, not one of them offered to help pay for his services, in fact the youngest sister who was paid to help me with Dad toward his end tried to sue the estate for money that was 26 years old and statutes had run out on! harumph! back to it....
So, they enlisted some of Dad's relatives to try and bully me into throwing open the doors and letting them invade my home like KMart shoppers in a blue light special...not happening. Done.
With a list of names of siblings and extended family, the judge, at their expense, has informed them they may not come within 50 feet of me or my home, if we happen to be at the same community function they have to leave even if I arrive after them. Since the town constable and I went to school together enforcing that court order won't be too difficult...2/3rds of the damn town are behind me on this one.
I have a line of people that will swear, in court under oath, that my Dad was well taken care of if not spoiled even. Several of my club folks have asked if I'd take care for them when they get too old to care for themselves, lol, I said I'd think about it.
Right now is Me time, regardless of how long that is.
One moment at a time is how I'm rejuvenating.
I use that word because unless one has been a full time care giver, in my case not quite 9 years, one does not get how draining that job is. Not only does it drain your physical energy, but it taxes your mental and spiritual energies as well.
It takes time to purge all the heartache attached to the daily tasks and replace it with happier memories.
I confess, it is getting a bit easier to do as each day goes by. The stress disappears like the last whisps of smoke from a wildfire, to be replaced by new growth in the desolate landscape the fire leaves behind.
Yes, there are scars in that landscape but the promise of the seeds planted in the cleared earth breathe life into each day forward with the anticipatory grief being replaced by anticipatory perfume of the blossoms waiting in the future...
What a blessing too!
Things have come full circle with my relatives ... I say that because no family I belong to would treat its kin this way.
Just shy of 8 months since Dad's passing the sharks return ... this time they brought the vultures of extended family with them.
Ouch!
I had thought with time forgiveness and understanding would come. It has not. At least not for them.
I'm a firm believer in slipping on another's shoes, regardless of how tight or loose the fit, with intent to gain understanding and perspective so that the seeds of forgiveness may be planted, and nutured to bloom.
Not with this crew...
Education has its merit. Coupled with common sense, it is indeed a force to reckon with. When the Executors letter was sent it was explicitly stated that an irrevocable trust is protected by the law. The siblings don't have a higher education, instead they barely got out of secondary school. Hard to teach the student that thinks they know everything, yet have nary a clue how the world works.
The siblings weren't to get a thing. I found two loopholes and each got their beneficiary amount. I got all the rest with discretion from Dad as to if and how the little treasures got their mementos and other keepsakes. lol. Yes, I am mean when need be. More sarcastic really.
Due to unforseen circumstance my plan was thwarted until I healed from a semi-terrifying near death experience. I'm healing well, just a little spot to go. Docs say by July I may be able to go in the pool, lol. Waiting on my liver biopsy results to get in.
In the meantime ...
No quarter. Fuk with a pirate and find out. If I were wired differently I'd have a huge bonfire and burn it all...right down to the last thumbtack. But, I'm not wired for that type of destruction.
Wait, or am I?
Wasn't there a thread in here that Hitler was labeled an INFJ? I can't think of a more destructive soul than he. Alas, that still doesn't fit me...however, that Door Slam attribute...well now, I've used that tactic more than once in all my years. lol
My Grandma always reminded me I can catch more bees with honey than vinegar ... be nice she used to say. She would tell me that I should not give up my kind nature just because they couldn't see in their dark. She was spot on. She has long passed and would find the popular saying going around lately that, "A bee can't convince a fly that honey tastes better than shit." ... neither can I.
Momma and Daddy were foster parents for just shy of 25 years to 54 children and over 20 newborns waiting to join their new adoptive family...that is a lot of kids to influence. They kept the last two girls. Adopting them and making them their own.
When mom was dying of cancer she asked me to be sure and help Daddy with my sisters because he was going to need it.
I did my best, often at the expense of my own life, money, and happiness to be there when they needed me...
Not this time When Dad died last fall I put the check mark next to that promise. Done.
Done being the whipping boy,
Done feeling treated like I wasn't good enough until they wanted something from me,
Done being called the dummy because I kept quiet even though I knew they thought they had the upper hand,
Done being the helper,
Done giving,
Just done.
They wrote a combined letter to the Court. Purgering themselves with false claims of coercion, neglect and maltreatment of Dad by me. Spending their hard won blood money on lawyers fees to have the judge chuckle and tell them No Grounds. To tell them not only is the Will sealed and uncontestable, but that I did not inherent the land, house, outbuildings and contents, but rather I purchased it all from Dad in December 2019. Which is the truth. The lawyer wrote up the bill of sale at that time and I paid Dad...With the stipulation written in the Trust, that all of it would go to auction to provide the funds for Dad should he need long term care...thank goodness he was able to stay at home instead.
Side note, not a one of them would have done that, not one of them offered to help pay for his services, in fact the youngest sister who was paid to help me with Dad toward his end tried to sue the estate for money that was 26 years old and statutes had run out on! harumph! back to it....
So, they enlisted some of Dad's relatives to try and bully me into throwing open the doors and letting them invade my home like KMart shoppers in a blue light special...not happening. Done.
With a list of names of siblings and extended family, the judge, at their expense, has informed them they may not come within 50 feet of me or my home, if we happen to be at the same community function they have to leave even if I arrive after them. Since the town constable and I went to school together enforcing that court order won't be too difficult...2/3rds of the damn town are behind me on this one.
I have a line of people that will swear, in court under oath, that my Dad was well taken care of if not spoiled even.
Several of my club folks have asked if I'd take care for them when they get too old to care for themselves, lol, I said I'd think about it.Right now is Me time, regardless of how long that is.
One moment at a time is how I'm rejuvenating.
I use that word because unless one has been a full time care giver, in my case not quite 9 years, one does not get how draining that job is. Not only does it drain your physical energy, but it taxes your mental and spiritual energies as well.
It takes time to purge all the heartache attached to the daily tasks and replace it with happier memories.
I confess, it is getting a bit easier to do as each day goes by. The stress disappears like the last whisps of smoke from a wildfire, to be replaced by new growth in the desolate landscape the fire leaves behind.
Yes, there are scars in that landscape but the promise of the seeds planted in the cleared earth breathe life into each day forward with the anticipatory grief being replaced by anticipatory perfume of the blossoms waiting in the future...
A peaceful home in the woods for Dad's set of drags that once belonged to his dad.
The back story...my excavating friend that I hired up to do a demo job after he did the drainage job offered to put the drags in my flowerbed. I thought it over and said no, thinking I'd have no way to move them myself if I changed my mind. He said ok and asked if he could have them and put them in his garden, I said sure.
He called me later that evening and said 'I did something special for you in honor of your dad'. I said oh? He made me cry when he told me what he and his friend had planned...
His friend who also knew my dad, has a hunting/fishing camp with 40 some ponds on it and he asked the friend if he wanted Dad's drags. His friend said of course. His friend collects old farm equipment and has them all over his 100-acre wood.
So on Wednesday he and the friend took the drags to the 'perfect' spot....my friend sent me this picture and let me know the fellas are putting a dedication plaque in Dad's name on the tree or a post, but here's the resting spot.
My friend made me cry again, happy tears, lol. I thanked them both for their kindness and compassion in helping me get my barrings while sorting and grieving. My friend was deeply supportive during this last demo project and was amazingly helpful in keeping me grounded.
They have renewed my faith in humanity and reminded me most people are inherently good. ♡