Happy Phantom
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- INFJ
Thoughts From A Tired Soul
- Thread starter Sandie33
- Start date
This morning will proove how tough I really am.
Yesterday afternoon our area went from a still 54° and torrential rain at 3am to a balmy 1° with 50mph wind gusts and 6 inches of snow on a flash freeze. It's ugly out there right now. Temp is -18, 10 mph wind with a bright sun ... and no way in or out of my driveway.
When my friend who's assisting me with bandage changes called me at 6am she was very angry at the weather and circumstances. I begged her to stay home. She wanted to wait and see if she could come this afternoon.....I told her I can wing it and change it out alone. The problem isn't in the packing, I've been doing that correctly right along, it's taping the ABD bandages in place to cover all abd prevent a leak. Or worse, taping to the edges instead of over an inch or so.....but I've got a plan, and can reinforce the tape if I miss the mark.
My friend cried, and I got choked up when she finally agreed I'd see her on Monday when the weather jumped into the 40's. I'm hopeful by then my snowbunny will have plowed me out at least enough to get her car in off the street, and my car out if I need to.
We shall see, it's going to be as it will be. I've lost the feelings of seeing all of this as a punishment. That is a slippery slope I cannot allow myself to get hung up on. As I told another friend earlier in the week that the big Guy/Girl intervened with an "ok Sandie, if you're not going to take a rest break I'm going to cause it so you have to." Sounda morbid I know.
In reality, mine, it's more of proving to myself how much I can literally take before I crack, as well as a strong reminder of all of the crisis that's passed these last 18 months abd I navigated those just fine. This too shall pass into a faded memory of 'remember when'.
A note regarding my mean sister. She had checked herself out of the last nursing home in her area to come home to her house. As in past instance she refused to do for herself and after sleeping days in her wheelchair, head on a pillow at the kitchen table, she finally agreed to allow my neice to call an ambulance for her. She's back in cardiac ICU with fluid on her lungs and heart. Time will tell if she makes it to the new year.....but, we've been here before numerous times in the past year.
I feel something for her, yet I'm at a loss of what though.
I don't comprehend why the medical staff does not intercede for her. In April they did a 48-hold evaluation and deemed she could no longer make her own decisions, yet here we are in December with her wanting to check out again by refusing to take meds, eat, or needle aspiration to remove the fluid. My neice said the docs are calling it pulmonary edema and if she doesn't get the aspiration she will indeed die when her heart can no longer pump through the fluid build up.
Maybe it is what is meant to be? If so, it will be done and the rest of us can get on with life without the constant tug of her causing we that love her to have hope. Seems to me it is the "presents harm to herself and others" that gets an individual time in a psyche facility to sort it out.
Then my mind moves to me and my current conundrum. I struggle with the guilt of I have to take care of me, and not get sucked into the life long barrage if her mental health illnesses.....after all, she's just my sibling.
Christmas blessings my arrive via a selfish stocking.
Yesterday afternoon our area went from a still 54° and torrential rain at 3am to a balmy 1° with 50mph wind gusts and 6 inches of snow on a flash freeze. It's ugly out there right now. Temp is -18, 10 mph wind with a bright sun ... and no way in or out of my driveway.
When my friend who's assisting me with bandage changes called me at 6am she was very angry at the weather and circumstances. I begged her to stay home. She wanted to wait and see if she could come this afternoon.....I told her I can wing it and change it out alone. The problem isn't in the packing, I've been doing that correctly right along, it's taping the ABD bandages in place to cover all abd prevent a leak. Or worse, taping to the edges instead of over an inch or so.....but I've got a plan, and can reinforce the tape if I miss the mark.
My friend cried, and I got choked up when she finally agreed I'd see her on Monday when the weather jumped into the 40's. I'm hopeful by then my snowbunny will have plowed me out at least enough to get her car in off the street, and my car out if I need to.
We shall see, it's going to be as it will be. I've lost the feelings of seeing all of this as a punishment. That is a slippery slope I cannot allow myself to get hung up on. As I told another friend earlier in the week that the big Guy/Girl intervened with an "ok Sandie, if you're not going to take a rest break I'm going to cause it so you have to." Sounda morbid I know.
In reality, mine, it's more of proving to myself how much I can literally take before I crack, as well as a strong reminder of all of the crisis that's passed these last 18 months abd I navigated those just fine. This too shall pass into a faded memory of 'remember when'.
A note regarding my mean sister. She had checked herself out of the last nursing home in her area to come home to her house. As in past instance she refused to do for herself and after sleeping days in her wheelchair, head on a pillow at the kitchen table, she finally agreed to allow my neice to call an ambulance for her. She's back in cardiac ICU with fluid on her lungs and heart. Time will tell if she makes it to the new year.....but, we've been here before numerous times in the past year.
I feel something for her, yet I'm at a loss of what though.
I don't comprehend why the medical staff does not intercede for her. In April they did a 48-hold evaluation and deemed she could no longer make her own decisions, yet here we are in December with her wanting to check out again by refusing to take meds, eat, or needle aspiration to remove the fluid. My neice said the docs are calling it pulmonary edema and if she doesn't get the aspiration she will indeed die when her heart can no longer pump through the fluid build up.
Maybe it is what is meant to be? If so, it will be done and the rest of us can get on with life without the constant tug of her causing we that love her to have hope. Seems to me it is the "presents harm to herself and others" that gets an individual time in a psyche facility to sort it out.
Then my mind moves to me and my current conundrum. I struggle with the guilt of I have to take care of me, and not get sucked into the life long barrage if her mental health illnesses.....after all, she's just my sibling.
Christmas blessings my arrive via a selfish stocking.
John K
Donor
- MBTI
- INFJ
- Enneagram
- 5W4 549
I hope you are surviving the wild weather and keeping warm and safe Sandie. Thinking of you and wishing you lots of Christmas peace and cheer.
Lots of love …
Often folks claim Hallmark says it best... ...sometimes a random meme hits the point in spades.
Cheers to all with warm wishes that 2023 brings you good health, happiness, and adventures of your dreams. ♡
optimism is the elixir of this addict
My lil problem fixed itself.
I've been enjoying the calm energy that has moved into the house.
I'm back to clearing the smaller things while I'm still mending. Diabetic fatigue is no joke. I'm hopeful that by summer I'll have regained much of the endurance these past few years have robbed.
One corner at a time and the clutter in my mind will be bearable.
The expense of energy grief brings is something for me to address too. I keep rethinking the events that have happened since Dad's passing and I'm okay with the solitude I have right now to work it out and file it away.
The end of the month I have an appointment to finalize things. Perhaps I can plan a future once done.
I've been enjoying the calm energy that has moved into the house.
I'm back to clearing the smaller things while I'm still mending. Diabetic fatigue is no joke. I'm hopeful that by summer I'll have regained much of the endurance these past few years have robbed.
One corner at a time and the clutter in my mind will be bearable.
The expense of energy grief brings is something for me to address too. I keep rethinking the events that have happened since Dad's passing and I'm okay with the solitude I have right now to work it out and file it away.
The end of the month I have an appointment to finalize things. Perhaps I can plan a future once done.
Today was a priceless string of moments. I was invited to my good friend's home for their family Christmas with their children and grandchildren. It was emotional watching the little ones open their gifts ... only to toss the toys aside and play with the wrappings. The 2 cats, 1 kitten, and 2 dogs joined in the ruckus. By the time we had lunch every one was playing with balls of wrap and shiny bows, ;P a well needed batch of fun medicine. 
Day II as a Type 1 insulin pump weilding diabetic. The nurse hooked me up with a paired set of gadgets so I can read my numbers and bolus correct at any time. It's taking me a bit of getting used to I must confess. Obe perk tho, I don't seem to feel as lethargic the past 24 hours as I might have before. It has been an uphill struggle to get the insulin pump...the nurse told me the docs were scared for my regard after two life-threatening events within 15 months. I explained to her that I've sure had enough of the scares.
Since I've lost another 7# in a month the GP ordered a mess of tests to check thyroid and other things that might be out of balance. I will be glad to get moving forward......I despise the feeling of being stagnated or stuck. It puts a crimp in my independence.
Critical thinking is winning out against hope...not a fun space for an Fe to be in, lol.
lmao, luv the smart duck
Since I've lost another 7# in a month the GP ordered a mess of tests to check thyroid and other things that might be out of balance. I will be glad to get moving forward......I despise the feeling of being stagnated or stuck. It puts a crimp in my independence.
Critical thinking is winning out against hope...not a fun space for an Fe to be in, lol.
I click now. Seriously, when my pod and meter "talk" to each other they make clicking noises, lol.
First full 24-hours the reader was on manual so it could record a history of my blood sugar reactions to the continual insulin feed from the pod. The clicking noises arrived about two hours after I switched to the auto mode. The noises aren't irritating but humorous...O keep thinking I'm destined to be a borg after all. lol.
The clarity of my current health situation is welcomed. I'm thinking I can start to figure into my new routine and way of being as my confidence in my health as it improves.
I'm still packing this gash the surgeon gave me, however, it has healed quite well considering all the other factors. Now my heal time has been extended into March. The docs are concerned about the muscle spasms and constant pain located just behind my belly button. They are thinking hernia, while I'm thinking dislocation from all that stuffing! lol. Coupled with the nerve pain as things mend and stitch back together it makes getting things done a dance between work a little rest a little.
Eating is difficult as well. Without the activity to burn off the food eaten I'm not hungry enough to consume 3 meals 3 snacks a day. This poses an issue around 11pm with the meter alarm sounding off loudly. It wakes me with a start.
The alarm alerts an impending "low", which means my blood sugar is dropping into a critical range and needs to be corrected. The only way to correct is to eat.....so I was up until after midnight eating a peanut butter sandwich with milk. This laid on my stomach all night and thus I was not hungry for breakfast. Diabetic gastroperisis will do this. The food just sits in the stomach undigested. This caused my gadgets to recalibrate this morning as the food began to digest and raise my blood sugar number.
I can't win with this game. It's been 4 hours since getting up and I can now eat something for breakfast. The meter does not notice that I'm hungry all it cates for is the numbers.
I'm going to try a snack before bed tonight to trick it into thinking I've no need to be awakened for a midnight feeding.
First full 24-hours the reader was on manual so it could record a history of my blood sugar reactions to the continual insulin feed from the pod. The clicking noises arrived about two hours after I switched to the auto mode. The noises aren't irritating but humorous...O keep thinking I'm destined to be a borg after all. lol.
The clarity of my current health situation is welcomed. I'm thinking I can start to figure into my new routine and way of being as my confidence in my health as it improves.
I'm still packing this gash the surgeon gave me, however, it has healed quite well considering all the other factors. Now my heal time has been extended into March. The docs are concerned about the muscle spasms and constant pain located just behind my belly button. They are thinking hernia, while I'm thinking dislocation from all that stuffing! lol. Coupled with the nerve pain as things mend and stitch back together it makes getting things done a dance between work a little rest a little.
Eating is difficult as well. Without the activity to burn off the food eaten I'm not hungry enough to consume 3 meals 3 snacks a day. This poses an issue around 11pm with the meter alarm sounding off loudly. It wakes me with a start.
The alarm alerts an impending "low", which means my blood sugar is dropping into a critical range and needs to be corrected. The only way to correct is to eat.....so I was up until after midnight eating a peanut butter sandwich with milk. This laid on my stomach all night and thus I was not hungry for breakfast. Diabetic gastroperisis will do this. The food just sits in the stomach undigested. This caused my gadgets to recalibrate this morning as the food began to digest and raise my blood sugar number.
I can't win with this game. It's been 4 hours since getting up and I can now eat something for breakfast. The meter does not notice that I'm hungry all it cates for is the numbers.
I'm going to try a snack before bed tonight to trick it into thinking I've no need to be awakened for a midnight feeding.
I awoke to a bit of a mess this morning...
Cans, broken Smirnoff bottles and trash strewn across my front yard and driveway. I had to don a pair of gloves and waddle out to pick it all up before the freezing rain turns into snow later.
The hoodlums drive by here doing 80 in their fancy rebuilt pickups and have no clue when the crap flies out the back. This isn't the first time I've had to pick up the garbage left behind.
I've found tires, tee shirts, a portable potty, amongst other lil nasties. Today is the first time I've been left the barrel too, lol
It's all good, I was in need of a new junk bucket, lol
Let the loser come retrieve their barrel.....I've got cameras right on it,
Cans, broken Smirnoff bottles and trash strewn across my front yard and driveway. I had to don a pair of gloves and waddle out to pick it all up before the freezing rain turns into snow later.
The hoodlums drive by here doing 80 in their fancy rebuilt pickups and have no clue when the crap flies out the back. This isn't the first time I've had to pick up the garbage left behind.
I've found tires, tee shirts, a portable potty, amongst other lil nasties. Today is the first time I've been left the barrel too, lol
It's all good, I was in need of a new junk bucket, lol
Let the loser come retrieve their barrel.....I've got cameras right on it,
I'm deep in my feels this afternoon. Thoughts about life coupled with my current health issue has my mind reeling again.
I'm not sure if today's visit to the surgeon marked progress or a set back. Seems my wound is healing from the sides inward. The tunnel to the right has healed, yet the tunnel to the left isn't healing at the same rate. The center portion was of concern today for him. Mind without any numbing medication he decided to take a scalpel and cut an incision then sew the center together with a single stitch. That was a bit much for me while he seemed hardly scathed lol.
The idea behind his cut and stitch is to get the outer edges to begin to knit together. I hope over the next two weeks it does just that. The bastard
I'm still packing, just now I have to skip over the stitch.
I'm not sure if today's visit to the surgeon marked progress or a set back. Seems my wound is healing from the sides inward. The tunnel to the right has healed, yet the tunnel to the left isn't healing at the same rate. The center portion was of concern today for him. Mind without any numbing medication he decided to take a scalpel and cut an incision then sew the center together with a single stitch. That was a bit much for me while he seemed hardly scathed lol.
The idea behind his cut and stitch is to get the outer edges to begin to knit together. I hope over the next two weeks it does just that. The bastard
I'm still packing, just now I have to skip over the stitch.
MoonFlier
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- 5w4
Smart move to scrape up the blood to encourage response, but geesh - could have at least offered up a drink to numb you.
Here's to a faster heal.
Heard my Athena walking down the hall with her chirping bird clicking (time for a new one) and I thought of you.
Have you decided upon a Droid designation?
Here's to a faster heal.
Heard my Athena walking down the hall with her chirping bird clicking (time for a new one) and I thought of you.
Have you decided upon a Droid designation?
On the first craft outta here, lol.
I can put up with the clicking...it's the loud fire engine blare when my level drops below 70 that is taking some getting used to.
Nothing but breath work. That has confused the docs right along. I'm assuming they are unfamiliar with using breath work for pain management.
Thank you for the cheers to a faster heal.
I am so done with the many weeks of healing and limitations. I would like an efficient heal and no revisits. 
Sitting here wishing I had a better plan for snow removal. 3 to 6 inches fresh stuff arriving this afternoon. If the winds push it back east we'll have freezing rain. Should the west be stronger, we're going to get all snow. Any other time I'd be filled with joy to watch it snow from my window with book in hand and cup of tea on my stand...today, I'm thinking what a damn nuisance it will be.
After clearing out a corner that has been a continuous stop-and-drop for years I found a 1991 phone book. lol. I have half the mind to stash it away for its antique value.
After clearing out a corner that has been a continuous stop-and-drop for years I found a 1991 phone book. lol. I have half the mind to stash it away for its antique value.
It snowed. I have about 4 inches of wet heavy snow piled up all around. Traffic moving along as I sit here in the stealthy quiet of darkness sipping hot coffee. Thankfully the pot finished before the lights went out.
It is often ironic to me how much in life we take for granted until it is no longer there.
Assuredly, having the lights go out is a nuisance; however, having the furnace shut off mid-cycle in the snowy temperatures can pose a health issue after an hour or two.
With a bit of luck it shouldn't take long for the workers to find the disconnect and repair the problem.
Daylight is still about an hour away. This darkness is a perfect time for some reflection.
It is often ironic to me how much in life we take for granted until it is no longer there.
Assuredly, having the lights go out is a nuisance; however, having the furnace shut off mid-cycle in the snowy temperatures can pose a health issue after an hour or two.
With a bit of luck it shouldn't take long for the workers to find the disconnect and repair the problem.
Daylight is still about an hour away. This darkness is a perfect time for some reflection.
- MBTI
- ENFP
- Enneagram
- 947 sx/sp
Especially true when it comes to the functions of the body—movement, metabolism, cognition—lose any of those, and you’ll know what they are worth.
Cheers,
Ian