Thoughts From A Tired Soul

I took another me day ... well, afternoon drive through the hills in the east. I had forgotten how stunningly beautiful some of my home area really is in October. :D

With the 60° days and 40° nights the trees are changing fast. Many of the reds and oranges have turned their ruddy brown. All-in-all ... it was still a spectacular drive and well used think time. ♡
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Time of day does so much for the colors ... light & shadow. Often the cell camera doesn't do things justice. ♡
 
Whew, I've made it to spook day.

I'm back to beginning each day with joy in my heart. It's true, absolutely, that if one ignores a person's drama they, like a land parana will move on to the next target.

Also true my family has exploded into their own mindscapes since Dad's passing. One would think death would bring family closer not scatter them further apart.

The mean sister has found out that in her greed she's ended up in a basket with nothing. I'm gracious to pack up all the things they've...she and my neice...has put their names on.

That's another point. Who puts their name on a gift and says 'that's so when you die I get it back'. ??? In my mind, keep the fekkin gift then :tearsofjoy:
They are also getting all the returned checks, nasty letters, returned gifts, and the paper holiday cards Dad saved over the years...not as a smack in the face, but as a proof of why they were left with nothing...dad kept all of our cards, letters, and refrigerator pictures:D he was that kind of dad.

I feel no guilt for having 'raised' dad with a firm handed strictness through his Parkinson’s journey........his last week on earth made up for all the years of strife and recent years of illness. Having him 'back' for a short time.

Each time I get discouraged or frustrated with the sorting of paper work and life treasures I simply think of the moment he passed from this world into wherever it is our spirit goes. The moment was deeply peaceful. He made a noise like one would when they go to answer a door and sees people they haven't seen ... a oh, hi, what a surprise! ... and the next breath was his last. That moment served to anchor my belief that there is indeed more...more in regards to our essence, spirit, soul?, goes on after our physical body dies.

While I waited for hospice to get here, roughly about two hours, I kept touching his face and kissing his forehead when I passed through the room. After the gal from hospice dressed and tagged him, I kissed his forehead for the last time ...... the coldness chilled me. I had forgotten that we lose our temperature at death. I took his picture while he lay in waiting for the funeral director to pick him up. I also let my younger sister zip him in the bag and help him to the hearse.

I couldn't do that...it seemed to final.

That contradiction puzzled me for days. My questioning myself on how could his physical body being taken away feel final, while my senses felt him all around and thinking it was only the beginning for him.

All-in-all there is much to get done, including finding my own direction.
 
I started to write here about four days ago, saved the draft but poof, gone.

I've found money for these greedy sisters of mine. Beneficiery over rules will statements BTW. Now it's hurry up and wait to meet with the lawyer then off to court.

nicely played out

I swear on what I hold holy unto my self-righteous, hypocritical self that I will never take on the responsibilities of any living soul other than myself.

Childishly I'm ready to give the whole world a big fat doorslam. :rage:

Emotional reactions are best served another day.
 
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And the saga continues .....

I'm practicing patience with the patients. :tearsofjoy:
 
It saddens me that my youngest sister, the one that has been helping me since last year has betrayed my trust. She went behind my back and contacted Dad's lawyer :unamused: Instead of just asking me her questions. She, my mean sister and oldest neice are wanting a trial. Here is a very strong point of why Dad chose me to assist him in his end of life process.

For starters, it's called probate not trial and Dad paid for an ironclad will that's not probatable.....in other words, I now have to meet with the lawyer who then will bring us in front of a judge to tell these ladies that the will stands as is. What they don't know is that THEY have to pay for the court fees to do so otherwise things stand as they are.

It's tough for me to have to awaken to the truth I have no family... like a crash dummy in a brick wall awake.

I opened up the house to all of them so they might say their goodbyes, fed them, gave some an overnight bed so they didn't need a hotel, I even called My youngest sister before hospice minutes after Dad died so she could be here.

One sister is saying I killed Dad, lol, another that she zipped him in the body bag because I couldn't handle it....errhem, excuse me ladies, who the fuk has been ring leader of this shitshow for years?

Grief, anger, jealousy, blah-blah-fekkin- blah ..... Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. :smirk:

I understand it. Grief often shakes hands with guilt, anger, and pain. These ladies will work it out for themselves. I stand firm in my integrity, my sense of self, and doing the 'right' thing with continuing to pack up all the trinkets, trash, and treasures they all shared with Dad over the years. Box by box it will get put in the garage in a staging area, labeled and baited to keep the critters out and these albeit strange but related women can come get their stuff and exit my life permanently.

I do not need others beset on 'destroying' me because I approach life differently from them. Because I'm grateful for life regardless if I have or have not.

Did I mention the night Dad passed was peaceful and moving.....lovely really, to be there while he transitioned was an honor in of itself.

That is what has been helping me to keep going and see this all to it's end. Back in my Blogging For Exercise thread I mentioned early on, I'm going to get through the rest of my life with the least amount of chips, dents, and missing parts as possible. If that means without my sisters, then so it will be.
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Rather than thinking you're buried believe that you've been seeded instead....patience brings the blossom. :p ♡
 
"Rather than thinking you're buried believe that you've been seeded instead....patience brings the blossom. :p ♡"
- I love that

Spring is on the way. It may be on the other side of winter, but it's coming and even winter has its own beauty.

*Hugs*
 
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Can one have a reaction to too many B vitamins?

I am a loud coffee hound...been known to whimper when no coffee is around. I recently made a change to V-8 sugar-free energy drink in lieu of multiple cups of coffee per day. The drink says green tea and B vitamins are it's energy source...then the flavoring of course.

I drink 2 cups of coffee in the morning instead of a 12-cup pot, or two as I normally do...adding in 3 per day V8 and roughly 8-10 20 oz cups of tap water. Our well is spring fed so it's wonderfully natural spring water not the bottled kind.

I have found since adding the energy drink I've gotten the shakes and shimmies that I never got with the large amounts of coffee.

Is it the B vitamins? I'm difficient in B-12 and do not get the daily requirements of 3 and 6 so the dietician said it should be ok...until I'm shaking. Not just my hands but body and head too. :flushed:
 
Sandie33 said:
Is it the B vitamins?
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How recently did you reduce your coffee? It could be caffeine withdrawal problems combined with vitamin B reactions. They can last a week or so - I recently started cutting over to decaf tea and coffee and got splitting headaches and a touch of the shakes for a few days.

I’ve been surprised at how good the decaf can be these days. We use decaf Colombian beans and they are as good as most of the untreated beans we’ve tried. There’s much less choice in the varieties available though.
 
John K said:
How recently did you reduce your coffee?
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It's been about two weeks now.

John K said:
decaf
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decafs is poison, lol :p I'll need to revisit but I seriously haven't found a decalf I like.
John K said:
Colombian
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Columbian and French Pressed are favorites of mine. I found a really good breakfast blend too.
John K said:
There’s much less choice in the varieties available though.
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I agree.

I am beginning to believe that it's a combination of things....the coffee withdrawal, b vitamin increase and a good old case of anxiety. I've worked for years to control anxious reactions, however with the current goings on with family and settling Dad's estate anxiety has crept in.
 
eggs, eggs, and more eggs ... devilish eggs :grinning:

Thankful veterans day here today. My task is a large try of deviled eggs and a crock of floating smokies.

Each year we set up a smorgasbord of edibles for our Post veterans as well as the wandering souls who stop in for a snack and a beverage. This year I'm armed with smiles and family applications...devoid of my own sorrowful issues diving deep into the senses of community and gratitude.

Many get Americanism and patriotism confused. Americanism is a mindset, an idiology...patriotism is boots in the dirt determination...a love of country and its inhabitants.

I do not condone the sing-song of "Happy Veterans Day". Instead, I revel in one more thank you toward the individuals serving the idea of a world without bigotry and oppression...a world filled in liberty without fear. ☆☆☆☆☆
 
I'm just catching up. Way to go on quitting coffee. It isn't easy and can have withdrawal side effects for many weeks.


A lot of green tea has caffeine. If you're off caffeine, the lower amount in green tea could give you the shakes, especially for adults over 40 because caffeine is one of those substances that affects us differently as we age.

Have you tried mushroom drinks? I sometimes put adaptogens in my coffee and I feel a well-rounded buzz. I haven't tried the coffee substitute offerings, but some people swear by them. Personally, whenever I give up coffee I go cold turkey and don't try substitutes, though. One of my friends tried to tell me to drink hot water with lemon and it would be "the same" as coffee. It is not the same. LOL! It's just sad, warm water.

Sandie33 said:
Is it the B vitamins? I'm difficient in B-12 and do not get the daily requirements of 3 and 6 so the dietician said it should be ok...until I'm shaking. Not just my hands but body and head too. :flushed:
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B12 deficiencies are serious, so don't mess around. Deficiencies affect the nervous system, moods, etc, plus fatigue, weakness, and heart rate issues. Take a sublingual pill daily. They are usually little and taste good and you hold them under your tongue while they dissolve. If your levels don't go up, you may need infusions. Other B vitamins are "their own" vitamins and won't count toward B12 levels.
 
Hi Asa :D
thanks for catching up. I've been trying to do that here as well.

Asa said:
sad, warm water.
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Yes, lemon water is just that, however I begin each day with a 6oz cup. With all these tummy issues of mine the docs say to 'prime the pump' so to say. Often it's just warm tap water because I'm out of lemons. I don't care much for the bottled juices.
Asa said:
Have you tried mushroom drinks
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No? I did not know of these. Then again, I'm not a big fan of mushrooms.

Asa said:
New I'm just catching up. Way to go on quitting coffee. It isn't easy and can have withdrawal side effects for many weeks.
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....I haven't quit completely down considerably but none after 11 am. I switched from the V8 to raspberry teas.
The twitching has all but gone away.
I'm still working on peaceful regrounding to stay ahead of the stress and anxiety.
Grief is a process, and without the ability to take time and workthrough it unfortunatelyit will only get worse.

Asa said:
B12 deficiencies are serious, so don't mess around.
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Yes, I've been dealing with that for a few years.
Asa said:
If your levels don't go up, you may need infusions. Other B vitamins are "their own" vitamins and won't count toward B12 levels.
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Spinach ;) I've been eating spinach twice a day per the doc. Believe me, I'm getting sad from white bean and spinach salad, lol.
 
Beautiful couple of hours spent yesterday. The giggles and mingling with folks not seen in a few years with my responsibilities to Dad limiting my hanging out with my Post family. And wow did they all show up for me. ♡

Yesterday anchored my belief that many families are built and not born.

I did have to leave under a veil because my emotions grabbed hold of me. After what seemed the hundredth time of "I'm so sorry to hear about your dad...", My eyes started to leak and I had to bail.

After I got home I realized I was partly upset because I hadn't seen my friend Michelle in quite a few months...she is the one that gave me the nickname 'Happy Pants'. Her husband of 34 years has been battling brain cancer for two years. The last time I saw her ge was headed to see if Gama ray radiation would help...it didn't. He has just entered palative care and she's a mess. We had a long talk in the rain about what she can expect and making a plan. I gave her dad's home care helper's number so she can have a hand when needed. We all have been rallying around her but when she said she needed me that hit home.

I explained to her I am available to her yet I'm still cleaning up dad's end of life stuff. She fussed up that is what she needs me for. To walk with her while she says goodbye and help to have everything in order for when he goes. ♡

Perhaps I'm accepting my calling ... being a support for those who are assisting their loved ones to the gate of transition.
 
How many days has it been?

Sitting upright in a chair sipping peppermint tea feels fairly well...I am wishing it were at home though.

The irony of my current conundrum has me thinking someone should pinch me quick because I would have never thought I'd be where I am.

....at least it's not snowing :m091:

Wow, first major snow of the season and they are getting feet! It's all going to be a mess when it changes to rain, lol

The prayers are working. Doc says my surgical area looks wonderful and pink. With no sign of infection they can put a wound vac on it and send me home. It was a better choice than going to the local senior home.......wait, what? I said absolutely not. How ironic that I find myself in a similar situation as my mean sister? Well, she may be spreading a surface bacteria that makes deep tissue sick.....tbc
 
MoonFlier said:
Glad all went well, I thought your surgeries were over with.
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Thank you. I thought things would be much different.

The surgeon says it's looking good in there and with the wound vac I may go home Tuesday.

Thankfully I have a house and kitty sitter until I do get home.

I'm trying to decide which place to get her a gift card from as a thank you for helping me gift....she never accepts gifts back....her neices keep finding the $50's I've stashed in her van seat cup tho lol :P
 
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