[INFJ] Too eager to help

D

Dione

Newbie
MBTI
INFJ
I'm struggling with am I annoying "know it all" type thinking I understand someone better than they themselves do or do I really have that skill? And if I do, how to use it right.

I have a friend who has a broken heart and he dives really deep in to the blue and is convinced that there is no other way. I feel what he's feeling even though I myself have never felt breakups so deeply. He hates feeling bad and says there's nothing he can do to change that. He is destined to be like that until he finds his missing half. He want's consolation but doesn't.

At this point I couldn't resist giving advices... About how he could take steps into being merciful to himself and try to see some good things. Told him how everyone can find love in themselves and be happy and project that to the world and THEN find the true soulmate... bla bla. And I felt so good sharing my wisdom... Until he expressed how offended he got. He said I don't know him like he does and all that I said is bullshit to him. He is going to be miserable until someone gives him a reason to stop...

I have myself been depressed and hated it when people offered me solutions so I'm now really sorry I did that myself.

I feel helpless not being able to help him. And also got a valuable lesson. I started thinking I may not after all understand how other people tick. I have always felt that nobody understands me but I have a clear idea of others. And helping others is so important to me that it becomes an issue about ME. Is my help appreciated or not and do my advices work or not. I have always thought that I'm sooo selfless but am I really? I just want things to be harmonious around me. And nobody is aloud to be sad or hurting. At least not if I know a better way!!!

Yes, I'm going to let him have his time and do things his way. I'll be there if he needs me but I won't butt in with my help. He has a completely different universe around him. He is not an infj.

And I again feel a bit lonely in my head. I can't talk about this because I don't want to be so selfish. This should not be an issue about me. :)

Has anyone else been told that you think you know what's best for others?
 
You are sad because because you feel that you understand someone, but communicated it in a way that didn't help. Don't worry, sometimes people who are upset just need to lash out a bit - your friend will know that deep down you care.



I remember being told a communication technique:
You seek to repeat what someone has told you, but in your own words. This lets the other person know that you have truly heard them.
Also, instead of offering solutions, you try to guide people to find solutions - by affirming positive things, as they say them.
 
it's not you. it's him. you can give advice, but don't do so with the expectation that the recipient is going to think it's gold and follow it to the letter.
when you give advice or lend an ear or a shoulder or give support to someone, that is helping them. if they choose not to utilize that help that's their prerogative, but it doesn't mean that you failed, or did anything you shouldn't have done.
some people don't want solutions. they want to whine and complain.
 
I would try not to take his responses so personally. As rejection I mean. Sometimes your advice and solutions really are helpful and true, people just choose and just do see things differently sometimes. I offer up solutions and advice sometimes too. I am a problem solver and counselor by nature, but I can't make someone "see the light". If you know you care and didn't intend to offend, but only to help, then be ok with your own good intentions. I have lost a couple of good friends by speaking the truth in love to them as they were both married people and yet becoming involved with each other. Now I am their enemy to them. But I know my intentions and heart was to protect each one and their marriages. Oh well, people make their own choices in the long run. Love and care but do it with right motives and you won't have regrets. And you never know, you just might have the answers he needs, and when he is ready he will know you as the one to come to for them.
 
Dione said:
I'm struggling with am I annoying "know it all" type thinking I understand someone better than they themselves do or do I really have that skill? And if I do, how to use it right.

I have a friend who has a broken heart and he dives really deep in to the blue and is convinced that there is no other way. I feel what he's feeling even though I myself have never felt breakups so deeply. He hates feeling bad and says there's nothing he can do to change that. He is destined to be like that until he finds his missing half. He want's consolation but doesn't.

At this point I couldn't resist giving advices... About how he could take steps into being merciful to himself and try to see some good things. Told him how everyone can find love in themselves and be happy and project that to the world and THEN find the true soulmate... bla bla. And I felt so good sharing my wisdom... Until he expressed how offended he got. He said I don't know him like he does and all that I said is bullshit to him. He is going to be miserable until someone gives him a reason to stop...

I have myself been depressed and hated it when people offered me solutions so I'm now really sorry I did that myself.

I feel helpless not being able to help him. And also got a valuable lesson. I started thinking I may not after all understand how other people tick. I have always felt that nobody understands me but I have a clear idea of others. And helping others is so important to me that it becomes an issue about ME. Is my help appreciated or not and do my advices work or not. I have always thought that I'm sooo selfless but am I really? I just want things to be harmonious around me. And nobody is aloud to be sad or hurting. At least not if I know a better way!!!

Yes, I'm going to let him have his time and do things his way. I'll be there if he needs me but I won't butt in with my help. He has a completely different universe around him. He is not an infj.

And I again feel a bit lonely in my head. I can't talk about this because I don't want to be so selfish. This should not be an issue about me. :)

Has anyone else been told that you think you know what's best for others?
Click to expand...

No but I understand EXACTLY of what you speak. I am the same way.
 
if the situation is somewhat delicate and/or i’m not sure how the person will take it i will preface what i say with something like feel free to tell me to shut up at any time so they know i’m sensitive to how i may potentially offend them and it’s not my intention... or i’ll flat out ask them if they want my advice or wait for them to ask me for advice...
 
Thank you all! I really shouldn't take it so personally. And luckily he didn't push me away completely. So I keep listening... Maybe when the time is right he wants to take his happines in his own hands... I feel his pain but also his happines which is right there for him.
He is an ISFJ btw. We have a lot in common. And a lot not... :)
 
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