Understanding the INFJ Doorslam

I've doorslammed three times in my life [note: actually four, but one was so effective I forgot it for a moment]. It has always been out of self defense with a person who I could not stay open to without being hurt. Twice it was actually mom-friends who are toxic people and who blamed my children and myself falsely for serious things. I had to shut myself off in those relationships, and as JennyDaniella says below, go completely stone-cold and entirely disengaged from them. The purpose is to a) send an unmistakeable message with a gigantic boundary, and b) to avoid continued and repeated pain to myself caused by that person.

I completely sever my emotional connection to the person, take them entirely off my radar, actively avoid them, choose not to make eye contact or conversation if we are in the same place, act like they don't exist. It is effective as self-protection. It's also incredibly sad and I wouldn't ever do it except as a last resort. It is the only recourse left when you're so emotionally connected to everything around you that you can't turn it off at will. So you turn it off permanently, which is the door slam.

So two were mom-friends...

One of the moms' kids was severely bullying one of mine last year. Even after administrators got involved, the mom would not acknowledge the situation or address it with her daughter, AND then (insult to injury) continued to act nicey-nicey to me as if nothing had happened and as if we should still be friends. When I called her on it, she aggressively blamed my child and me, and it took me only one second to choose to disengage permanently from them. I avoid the mom (and her child) and will not engage with them. I communicated clearly that I was done and then just shut myself off to her.

The other mom was several years back, and there were multiple incidents involving her kids emotionally hurting mine, and also the mom being vicious about me behind my back, and I just felt I had to cut her off and erase her from my life. Same thing - I shut myself off to her, ignore her, don't engage with her, avoid her in public, etc.

Am I sad about it? No. I'm 100% done. Stone cold. It doesn't stress me out at all - it's a relief - because I no longer have any connection to either of them.

The third time was my XH, who left me for one of my closest friends about 8 years ago. I tried to be empathetic, compassionate, collaborative about the separation at first, even through my pain. But everything I tried to do right he turned against me. It was hideously toxic and painful. So I doorslammed. Which means the same as above - I don't chat with him, we communicate only minimally and in writing not talking, I avoid him, and I made it absolutely clear that I would not tolerate being in contact with his GF. It allows me to interact with him as minimally as necessary - you can't coparent without some basic interaction - without engaging with those feelings and hurting myself over and over.

Oh, I realize his GF is the fourth. You just don't go after your close friend's husband the moment he indicates that he's planning to leave her. You don't do it. SLAM. I cannot tolerate someone like that in my life ever again. Such betrayal earns no second chances.

I don't have any intention to ever repair any of those relationships. They hurt me; it's not mine to fix and they are too far gone to be able to make amends. I don't believe I would ever reverse a doorslam. It's the last resort, and to me it's a sort of emotional exile of that person that can only be done - it can't be undone.

I have a good friend who is known in our local music circles and who suddenly and seemingly inexplicably cut ties with his brother several years back. His brother is also a local musician and they used to play together all the time. Now they do not speak and it was initiated by my friend. I feel certain my friend is an INFJ and I also feel certain that this was a classic doorslam. I don't think most people understand what that is, so they don't get why the two brothers don't speak, but I get it. I don't know what his brother did, but I am quite sure it must have been thoroughly intolerable to my friend to push him to doorslamming his brother.

My guess is that INFJs are emotionally connected/perceptive/open in a way that we have great difficulty modulating, and because we can't shut down our awareness and openness easily, this last resort method is the most effective way to permanently shut off a toxic channel to protect ourselves.

I know I've doorslammed when I stop feeling in relation to that person. The only exception has been residual pain from my divorce, but it lessens over time. I think if I could 100% cut him out of my life it would work better, but we still share custody of minor children, so those wounds get prodded regularly. But the doorslam has been otherwise quite effective (and shocking to him, but he seems to have accepted it and matches my lack of engagement).

Beautifully said. I’ve only doorslammed once in my life and it was only after heavy consideration and thinking. Door slamming is not an easy choice to make and usually we INFJs don’t do it lightly unless interaction with the other person got too toxic to deal with.

I unfortunately had to do with it with my ex-fiancé. I loved him dearly but boy it gotten so bad and toxic that I had to shut him out completely, even after I told him that the relationship could no longer be mended and he kept wanting to come back despite me giving so many chances—then I had to later block him but then he kept calling through different numbers—it just got almost borderline abusive and stalkerish. I had to change my number after that.

It also upsets and frustrates me when people who are not INFJs get deeply offended and upset that we completely shut them out of nowhere, but we usually don’t shut them out unless they hurt us deeply and/or wouldn’t respect our boundaries for such an extended period of time. We aren’t doormats.
 

I call it the “magical INFJ disappearing maneuver” lolololol!

I felt so guilty afterwards but it was such a huge breath of air though... in a way I still feel terrible till this day but I had to do it for my mental sanity and wellbeing.

We INFJs ain’t playing around, yo.
 
We INFJs ain’t playing around, yo.

True! I laugh because it's really not out of nowhere at all. People just don't like to admit to themselves that they've been a dingus. But they know. They always know.
 
True! I laugh because it's really not out of nowhere at all. People just don't like to admit to themselves that they've been a dingus. But they know. They always know.

Hahahahaha exactly!! So true. They always know when they are being total shits, just feel ashamed to admit it or they don’t care.

Out with the toxic, in with the good.

giphy.gif
 
I agree with most of what @WyoteIt just looks like you aren’t respecting nor agreeing what we stand for, especially when it comes to boundaries and needing space.

Having differing ideas doesn’t equate to disrespecting what you stand for. It’s okay to have different perspectives and just live with that. In fact, I’d say that’s the ultimate sign of respect. And I give all the space someone wants and then some

I think the process that is used is misunderstood and creates the impression of things being unclear because so much goes unsaid which creates a larger problem than already exists. It’s unreasonable to expect people to know what you’re thinking and feeling is all
 
Having differing ideas doesn’t equate to disrespecting what you stand for. It’s okay to have different perspectives and just live with that. In fact, I’d say that’s the ultimate sign of respect. And I give all the space someone wants and then some

I think the process that is used is misunderstood and creates the impression of things being unclear because so much goes unsaid which creates a larger problem than already exists. It’s unreasonable to expect people to know what you’re thinking and feeling is all

It’s been a month since she last interacted with you. I think it’s more than enough to tell you that she isn’t interested. Sometimes actions speak more than words.
 
Been there and done it as well having experienced it what it is like to be on the other side so it is always better to just move on rather dwelling on the past more than would be healthy. Some people don't get much of a choice as life isn't always peaches and cream.
 
It means assuming something is toxic—you’ve never been an arguement where someone assumed something but they were wrong?

Do you like when people assume things or make blanket statements about you? This conversation at this point is turning into defending a blanket statement
 
I laugh because it's really not out of nowhere at all. People just don't like to admit to themselves that they've been a dingus. But they know. They always know.

Yeah, but they don't realize we're "adding it all up", partially because we're so quiet about keeping tabs.

The INFJ brain when deciding to door slam:

screen-shot-2016-05-21-at-10-24-05-pm.webp
 
Only thing I’ve seen work with INFJs is to keep your mouth shut and interact with them on their terms. Or just straight ignore them and let them come to you. They take everything personal. And it’s not like I don’t have similar views and morals by and large

So then they don’t like that they’re doing all the interacting if you’re watching what you say, and they get this idea in their heads that it’s all about you when, in fact, the whole dance is about them. Literally, you’re accommodating their sensitivies. Then you’re too accommodating.

I feel like this thread is justifying avoidant and toxic behavior. I imagine giant babies running into reclusivity. Hey, we all do the keeping tabs thing. Just some of us are more clear and vocal on boundaries and status and have the resilience and patience to deal with life

Would it be helpful to ask you where we stand? I feel if we did that, then we would come across as needy. What is the solution?
 
Last edited:
Back
Top