Waiting to have sex

Update:

I guess I am starting to have a more nuanced view of this.

For me, wanting to have sex was new and exciting. I had never had a dating life because I was 100+ overweight and I felt it was a luxury not afforded to me most of my life. It was fun to experience.

But now, after dating 2 guys this year with each lasting no longer than 3 months, I'm exhausted. The std testing. The birth control required.

And sex is expected so soon to continue the relationship. I get it; I wanted it, too. But the desire for sex allowed me to date people who I mostly just had sexual compatibility with. The reality of the situation is that there is an extremely small pool of men that I'm compatible with. I was willing to expand that pool for sexual purposes. Now I'm thinking it's not worth it.

I remember I went on three or four dates with this guy, we had never kissed or had much physical contact; I wasn't sexually attracted to him but I liked who he was and was hoping that would develop. On the 4th date he basically told me we have to start having sex or he didn't want to see me anymore. The line was,

"I have plenty of friends. I'm looking for a relationship."

That really hurt me.

I had always heard people say things like, "I want my partner to be my best friend." I didn't like that because I already have a best friend of 6 years and I don't think a romantic relationship can be everything. People want that role to fill all of their needs, and I don't think that's realistic. I've seen people become very codependent in relationships and I always wanted to have my own friends and an emotional support system outside of my partner. I didn't want my partner to be my best friend; just a good one.

The predicament I'm in now is that I can't have sex for the next six months. I thought, well, I should just stop dating until then because it's completely unrealistic to date someone and not have sex with them for that long of a period.

I was friends with my best friend for 2 years before she ever really opened up to me. I just liked being around her. It didn't matter to me if she ever opened up, but it was nice when she did.

I can't help but think that sex has been prioritized in our society to the point of anything else not mattering. I was recently told that I may objective men and be a predator, and after heavily reflecting on it I don't think either are true.

In the beginning it was just fun to explore my sexuality because it was a new thing. But I cannot deny that there is this pressure to get sex over with as soon as possible. People don't want to wait. Which doesn't make sense to me because I'm willing to have a poly relationship; so if they needed sex the could look elsewhere.

But I definitely think there's these dehumanizing elements to dating and sexual attraction in general.

A lot of me wanting to date is also societal pressures. I've never had a long term relationship or even an official short time relationship. As a woman you get portrayed as a failure; the longer you go in your life without a relationship the more adverse people are to trying to date you because it seems like a red flag.

I'm starting to see not being able to have sex for six months a blessing. I'm tired of short lived things.

I think these men were experiencing what I'm experiencing; getting excited for a relationship and investing too much before realizing it wouldn't pan out. And on one hand, that's a risk you take in general with dating and it's always going to happen. But if you find you wouldn't want to be around the person much if you couldn't be intimate with them...I don't know. Maybe that's a sign you shouldn't be.

The reality is, because of who I am, my lifestyle, a whole lot of factors...I may never find anyone who I'm sexually attracted to who I also get along with on an emotional level who feels the same way. I think that's sad just because I wanted to experience those things. And I bought into sacrificing myself a few times to get a sense of what it feels like even if it wasn't the whole picture.

Maybe I'm just done with dating. Or at least seeking it out. I'm certainly not bitter. I think that it would be an experience that would teach me a lot and help me grow as a person, but at some point we all have to accept that certain realities might not be realistic. There's a lot of people who pick a career or activism, a passion, over finding sexual companionship. And they're satisfied by that. Perhaps lonely in that aspect but having a sexual companion is not a human right or need...

So much of our time and thoughts go into finding a sexual mate. What if we just decided not to? What could we accomplish instead?

Maybe if you can't wait to have sex, it's a sign that you're chasing sensations. And so many people are. It's really not worth it. That's my conclusion anyway.
 
What about the guy you were seeing, @slant?

Great observations as always. I think you underestimate how awesome you are and the possibility of finding a connection at multiple levels with someone.

It's possible, but it's rare.
 
Ren said:
What about the guy you were seeing, @slant?

Great observations as always. I think you underestimate how awesome you are and the possibility of finding a connection at multiple levels with someone.

It's possible, but it's rare.
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Oh, I definitely think I'm a great person. I have a good network of friends who benefit from having me in their life. So it's not that I'm not a good person deserving of romantic love, I just think, I have to accept the possibility of being alone for the rest of my life now. And not in a sad self loathing way. Voluntarily letting it happen. It's really not necessary for a fulfilling life. I spent too much time on it.

We broke up the 28th of April. We had bad communication and I told him that day that he had until 9pm the next day to call me so we could work out what was going on between us or we were over because I was done with it. He texted back within an hour, the fastest he's ever texted back for a long time actually,

"Goodbye Ruby. I wish the best for you."

Ultimately though it was for the best. It wasn't working.
 
Looks like your opinions about sex turned 360 in the last 2 months, reading back this thread.

Nothing wrong with that, but it does indicate to me that you're still figuring things out. I suspect your opinions might change further.

I think some of the statements you made in a previous post were a bit in heat of the moment. I don't know why and how you reached the conclusion that you might never find a fulfilling relationship.

If you want guys who don't care about sex, you can find them. I would consider myself one of them. You can find the opposite too.
 
philostam said:
Looks like your opinions about sex turned 360 in the last 2 months, reading back this thread.

Nothing wrong with that, but it does indicate to me that you're still figuring things out. I suspect your opinions might change further.

I think some of the statements you made in a previous post were a bit in heat of the moment. I don't know why and how you reached the conclusion that you might never find a fulfilling relationship.

If you want guys who don't care about sex, you can find them. I would consider myself one of them. You can find the opposite too.
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Very astute. I've never been heartbroken so I don't know how my heart will heal up and what I'll feel when that does happen.

I guess my feeling is now:

I've seen the gist of it. Love and sex isn't necessarily that fulfilling. And the fallout of it is pain and it's hard to justify continuing to pursue it when you know that's what is going to happen. Which you could say, oh, maybe it'll work out. It could but eventually one of you will die anyway.

Everything ends.

I guess, I've had friendships that ended too and those were pretty painful. I'm versed with loss just not this type of loss.

I was excited about possiblity for something I'd never experienced. The imagined version was better than reality. I think to myself: is all of this energy worth it? Focusing on love and sex. I know that I don't need it, at least not romantic love, to live a good life.

I guess I just feel like so much of my time has been sunk into something that's not giving me much of a payoff. It's not that I don't think it could happen, it could, but is it worth the investment? If I just happen on it that's one thing. But dating and pursuing...

It's tiring.

Maybe I don't need that.

Maybe this was enough to sate my curiosity. Maybe even if I'm alone and lonely I can push through those moments. Maybe I'm just depressed.
 
Well, it's not necessary that every love ends. Some lucky couples are together 50+ years. That's a wonderful thing.

You just need to chose wisely. Like you said, you just wanted to experience love and sex, which probably meant that your standard weren't very high. You probably pretty much went for the first guy.

I remember thinking (or even writing) that your previous relationship will not last long, simply because it was not a built on a good foundation.

Honestly, my perception of you is that you are on a right track and improving, but are still a bit "volatile" and figuring things out. Making judgements is part of this process, but looking from the outside, I don't take them seriously because I expect they'll change.
 
philostam said:
Well, it's not necessary that every love ends. Some lucky couples are together 50+ years. That's a wonderful thing.

You just need to chose wisely. Like you said, you just wanted to experience love and sex, which probably meant that your standard weren't very high. You probably pretty much went for the first guy.

I remember thinking (or even writing) that your previous relationship will not last long, simply because it was not a built on a good foundation.

Honestly, my perception of you is that you are on a right track and improving, but are still a bit "volatile" and figuring things out. Making judgements is part of this process, but looking from the outside, I don't take them seriously because I expect they'll change.
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That's reasonable. That's the only thing we can count on is that things will change. I like this comment it is very encouraging. I'm a good number of years behind when it comes to romance and dating and I decided to try to get a jump on it now that I'm healthier and have a better relationship with myself.

You're very insightful! That's 100% because even when I made the choice to date these past 2 men I had dated I knew we were incompatibile from the get go but I figured that experience was better than nothing. Which sounds sad but I think it was true.

I was going through a "phase" I think. So this next phase is likely going to be more self centered and reflective. It does not feel like a good time to date and I'm beginning to get the sense that the reason why it isn't working out is because I'm seeking it. I already kinda know I have to just meet the person organically and fall in love over time.... Dating is so contrived and I always force myself to go further than I feel because I think that I'm just inexperienced or resisting love.

I often think,

This looks good on paper.

Why isn't it working?

And you can't put logic to emotions but that's just what I end up doing anyway.

When you feel a connection without seeking it... It's more real I think. But sadly all of those connections I've had have never been mutual so I started feeling unlovable. So I decided, why not only look at people in that way who are looking at you that way? That's how dating especially online dating becomes appealing.

But like I say...

The inorganic nature of it doesn't seem to work for me.

For now I'm likely best off to stop actively seeking. Be open to the possibility but also only pursue where there is a real organic connection. Which is going to mean feeling lonely at times. But that's probably for the best for now.
 
philostam said:
Looks like your opinions about sex turned 360 in the last 2 months, reading back this thread.

Nothing wrong with that, but it does indicate to me that you're still figuring things out. I suspect your opinions might change further.

I think some of the statements you made in a previous post were a bit in heat of the moment. I don't know why and how you reached the conclusion that you might never find a fulfilling relationship.
Click to expand...

Those were my thoughts as well.
 
A guy should always be confident and directly say what he wants from a girl. It is clear that in the beginning, the appearance attracts, then the person himself. If a guy likes a girl, then he wants her
 
Hello, a guy should always be confident in himself and directly say what he wants from a girl. It is clear that at first, the appearance attracts, then the person himself. If a guy likes a girl, then he wants her. A virgin is another matter. He's shy; he doesn't know how to tell the girl. And often, there are such cases that failure in bed since this is his first time ends in a breakup. Therefore, I advise you to order a prostitute for the first time, as I did for the first time once. If you are ever in England, then know the best escort girls in london . That's where I had my first experience. A lovely girl who did not embarrass me, but on the contrary, liberated me.
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I do not think that this is the case, many girls are hot-tempered, but this does not justify her act
 
Richardtij said:
I do not think that this is the case, many girls are hot-tempered, but this does not justify her act
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Whoever you quoted is toxic as fuck as such sentiment towards gender norms is partly the cause why people are having problems be it men having to be or are trying to pass themselves off as that while women are led into believing that is the norm. What happened to people just being people?
 
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