Waiting to have sex

slant said:
What do you mean by "more serious"?
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Maybe I'm misunderstanding but when you said he's hoping the relationship lasts longer if he waits to have sex, my thought was he may want something long term or more serious, and fears that if he has sex, it will remain casual or simply end. That's just an assumption though, so could be wrong.
 
Gaze said:
Maybe I'm misunderstanding but when you said he's hoping the relationship lasts longer if he waits to have sex, my thought was he may want something long term or more serious, and fears that if he has sex, it will remain casual. That's just an assumption though, so could be wrong.
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Well I just don't know what you mean by "serious"? My plan wasn't just to have sex and then run. I want a relationship out of this and I'm not sure why he thinks waiting to have sex is necessary when I've already expressed my interest
 
slant said:
I'm transactional about everything.
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I changed my post because I wasn't quite sure that was the right wording. But I guess it was! I think sex is one of those things that just has to spark and happen and flow. You can't try to make it happen because it changes the nature of it. That's my perspective. Though I can understand not getting it is frustrating. There's just no easy answer. It's something that just has to happen naturally.
 
acd said:
I changed my post because I wasn't quite sure that was the right wording. But I guess it was! I think sex is one of those things that just has to spark and happen and flow. You can't try to make it happen because it changes the nature of it. That's my perspective. Though I can understand not getting it is frustrating. There's just no easy answer. It's something that just has to happen naturally.
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He wants to have sex though! All we do is make out and hump! It's not the lack of interest and I'm just getting bored of making out all the time.

I guess I just don't understand what you're saying. If someone wanted sex from me and I didn't want to have sex with them I'd just stop seeing them.

Can't comprehend someone who wants to have sex, actively has to stop himself from doing so. Continues seeing me anyway. Very confusing.
 
slant said:
Well I just don't know what you mean by "serious"? My plan wasn't just to have sex and then run. I want a relationship out of this and I'm not sure why he thinks waiting to have sex is necessary when I've already expressed my interest
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Ah OK. I think I misunderstood what you wanted. In any case, even if someone is interested, for many there's still a fear that having sex early may lead to other parts of the relationship not developing as well. Maybe he thinks building an emotional and social connection will make for closer intimacy later on. Remember, there are some who need a strong emotional connection to have a healthy physical connection and intimacy with someone. So, maybe for him, he needs more of those aspects to build before he goes further. That's one theory.
 
Gaze said:
Ah OK. I think I misunderstood what you wanted. In any case, even if someone is interested, for many there's still a fear that having sex early may lead to other parts of the relationship not developing as well. Maybe he thinks building an emotional and social connection will make for closer intimacy later on. Remember, there are some who need a strong emotional connection to have a healthy physical connection and intimacy with someone. So, maybe for him, he needs more of those aspects to build before he goes further. That's one theory.
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Yeah he seems a bit more emotional than I am for sure. It's refreshing but also confusing.

I'm always the guy in these relationships
 
slant said:
He wants to have sex though! All we do is make out and hump! It's not the lack of interest and I'm just getting bored of making out all the time.

I guess I just don't understand what you're saying. If someone wanted sex from me and I didn't want to have sex with them I'd just stop seeing them.

Can't comprehend someone who wants to have sex, actively has to stop himself from doing so.
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Somehow I must have missed you mentioning he wanted sex earlier but was stopping himself. I don't think it changes much. He's doing what he's comfortable doing. If it's causing frustration tell him. Would be nice to have a guy explain why one might only go so far!
 
acd said:
Somehow I must have missed you mentioning he wanted sex earlier but was stopping himself. I don't think it changes much. He's doing what he's comfortable doing. If it's causing frustration tell him. Would be nice to have a guy explain why one might only go so far!
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I already did and he told me that he wants the relationship to last and that from his experience having sex too early on ruins things.

Thats why I need to get a time frame from him so I can understand how long I'm expected to wait and determine if it's worth it or not. I'm sure as hell not waiting six years!!
 
slant said:
I already did and he told me that he wants the relationship to last and that from his experience having sex too early on ruins things.

Thats why I need to get a time frame from him so I can understand how long I'm expected to wait and determine if it's worth it or not. I'm sure as hell not waiting six years!!
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This is like some kind of koan about sex and intimacy. If you want sex with him you have to travel through the realm of no-sex purgatory to focus on all other aspects of the relationship before you ascend to long term relationship and consummation heaven. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200 lol.
 
acd said:
This is like some kind of koan about sex and intimacy. If you want sex with him you have to travel through the realm of no-sex purgatory to focus on all other aspects of the relationship before you ascend to long term relationship and consummation heaven. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200 lol.
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Too accurate :*(


.. Watch we'll probably have sex on our next date after this whooole thread
 
This is fascinating. I've never been with a guy who wanted to wait.

Maybe he will chill out about the symbolic gesture of waiting to bring the relationship to a more serious level. The real reason relationships don't last is that the two people are not compatible.

The reason people waited in decades past was to protect the woman's reputation, and by proxy, the man's reputation. A slutty woman wasn't the type a person married.
 
acd said:
Why would paying for sex be less hassle than having sex with a woman you are in a relationship with? Or dating?
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Because if I'm just trying to get laid, exchanging cash for sex is more efficient.

That being said, I don't encourage prostitution and think of it as pretty degrading. I also think that pursing others largely for sex is a massive waste of time.
 
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slant said:
Why would you wait to have sex in a relationship?
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There are quite a few reasons I can think of ... people who
are committed to a religious code of morality which they follow despite their desires.
feel that sex is an expression of a deep relationship, not a casual one, and deep relationships don't happen quickly.
feel that sex is an expression of a commitment that they aren't willing to make.
are struggling with and confused about their sexuality.
are stuggling with and frightened about their ability to 'perform'.
are worried that their partner isn't really consenting freely despite what they say, but is being pressured, or suffering from mental health issues.
want companionship rather than intimacy maybe ...
​
I'm old enough to remember when it was not usual for couples to have sex as casually as folks do now in new relationships. Some of that was social and religious pressure, some to do with contraceptives being more limited and a lot less accessible. In those days, there was much more a sense that sex was the almost mystical end point of courtship - a binding together - though most people wouldn't have expressed it as lyrically as that. The generations before mine were mostly in the situation where regular sex led pretty quickly to babies, so that inevitably had a profound effect on attitudes. Of course this was all changing rapidly during my teenage years - the late 60s.
 
Gaze said:
Maybe I'm misunderstanding but when you said he's hoping the relationship lasts longer if he waits to have sex, my thought was he may want something long term or more serious, and fears that if he has sex, it will remain casual or simply end. That's just an assumption though, so could be wrong.
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That's possible, honestly.

It could be that he's afraid @slant won't enjoy it and end things there.
 
slant said:
I already did and he told me that he wants the relationship to last and that from his experience having sex too early on ruins things.
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He gave you his answer. He's had bad dating experiences in the past, and from those experiences he drew the (possibly wrong) conclusion that having sex early is the cause of his budding relationships decomposing.
(I think it's more likely that after he and his past dates had sex they found out they weren't as compatible as they thought. Sexual tension can carry dates forwards but if that's all you have, you'll end up with this uncomfortable lack of connection after acting on the tension.
Basically what Asa said.)
 
Just to clarify:

The op is intended to be general.

I know why my guy is holding off. He told me. I'm not trying to speculate on why.

I was simply looking for information on how long others have waited if they did wait, etc.

Like I said.

To get perspective.

I'm 100% trusting of his thoughts and don't believe anything else is going on besides his bad past experiences. I guess it's frustrating for me because love hurts; you either take the risk or you don't, you know? Nobody can know for sure. But that's just where I stand on the matter.

Again: not looking for advice, only information
 
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