Waiting to have sex

Ren said:
These days when I learn new English words it tends to be mostly thanks to INFPs. Interesting.
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Koan isn't an English word of course, it's the often logically baffling focus of Zen Buddhist Meditation.

Ren said:
(Also this is my 10,000th post woot woot)
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:sunglasses::sunglasses::sunglasses:
 
I love these slant threads of 'hey what's normal?' that are never really about that.

In any case, your question has a couple of dimensions: biological and cultural.

Culturally you're in North America, so third date, I guess? If you were in a Nordic culture, then sex would happen immediately and casually, an Islamic one after marriage. However, the 'cultural' answer can get really long and boring, even though there is an answer generally that we're all aware of, at least subconsciously, so I'll move on.

Biologically, men are actually wired up to take two different approaches depending on the woman. Have you ever noticed that some women are hot but not beautiful, and others beautiful but not hot? This is because some combination of genetics and socio-cultural factors determine female mating strategies, putting you into one of two categories: Hot Slut, and Beautiful Wife; the former attracts and encourages men to pursue sex quickly (to maximise the number of low-investment offspring with these types of women, known as 'r-type'), the latter attracts and encourages men to invest (to maximise the survival and success of high-investment offspring, known as 'K-type'). There are equivalent male strategies ('cads and dads'), of course.

Now, if you're a Hot Slut, getting a guy to invest is going to be hard for you but everybody is going to want to fuck you. On the other hand, if you're a Beautiful Wife (these are not scientific terms by the way, lol), then the guy is going to be more cautious/respectful/whatever, which generally means that he'll go at your speed.

It sounds to me as if guys are putting you in the Beautiful Wife category, but you've actually got a Hot Slut mindset (lol), which can be confusing for men because they expect you to be more cautious and that you're not might be sapping them of their 'pursuit energy' and consequently turning them off.

I suggest acting more like a Hot Slut. In particular, when you're humping, &c., just whisper in his ear 'I want you inside me'. That typically works to flip the switch. Dress more sluttily, too - cleavage, red lipstick, all that. You've gotta be sexy, slant. Get naked, masturbate in front of him; put yourself on a plate. Just don't rape the dude.

Just a perspective, though. lol


Personally, I would tend to agree with LJ/Ren that the guy might be insecure about his sexual performance. That's a possibility. Maybe he has dick problems?
 
Deleted member 16771 said:
I love these slant threads of 'hey what's normal?' that are never really about that.

In any case, your question has a couple of dimensions: biological and cultural.

Culturally you're in North America, so third date, I guess? If you were in a Nordic culture, then sex would happen immediately and casually, an Islamic one after marriage. However, the 'cultural' answer can get really long and boring, even though there is an answer generally that we're all aware of, at least subconsciously, so I'll move on.

Biologically, men are actually wired up to take two different approaches depending on the woman. Have you ever noticed that some women are hot but not beautiful, and others beautiful but not hot? This is because some combination of genetics and socio-cultural factors determine female mating strategies, putting you into one of two categories: Hot Slut, and Beautiful Wife; the former attracts and encourages men to pursue sex quickly (to maximise the number of low-investment offspring with these types of women, known as 'r-type'), the latter attracts and encourages men to invest (to maximise the survival and success of high-investment offspring, known as 'K-type'). There are equivalent male strategies ('cads and dads'), of course.

Now, if you're a Hot Slut, getting a guy to invest is going to be hard for you but everybody is going to want to fuck you. On the other hand, if you're a Beautiful Wife (these are not scientific terms by the way, lol), then the guy is going to be more cautious/respectful/whatever, which generally means that he'll go at your speed.

It sounds to me as if guys are putting you in the Beautiful Wife category, but you've actually got a Hot Slut mindset (lol), which can be confusing for men because they expect you to be more cautious and that you're not might be sapping them of their 'pursuit energy' and consequently turning them off.

I suggest acting more like a Hot Slut. In particular, when you're humping, &c., just whisper in his ear 'I want you inside me'. That typically works to flip the switch. Dress more sluttily, too - cleavage, red lipstick, all that. You've gotta be sexy, slant. Get naked, masturbate in front of him; put yourself on a plate. Just don't rape the dude.

Just a perspective, though. lol


Personally, I would tend to agree with LJ/Ren that the guy might be insecure about his sexual performance. That's a possibility. Maybe he has dick problems?
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H
Hedefinitely does not have dick problems. That baby is poking at me pretty much every time we cuddle or make out.

Thing is, hos, I know the techniques you're talking about would work. He's on the edge of giving in every time so I know all it would take is a little goading.

But I feel like doing so is disrespectful and a violation of his boundaries. Right?

Typically the behavior you describe is exactly the behavior I exhibit. But his desire to wait has forced me to hold back.
 
slant said:
Hedefinitely does not have dick problems. That baby is poking at me pretty much every time we cuddle or make out.
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If he has performance anxiety, he'll stay hard no problem as long as he's not about to perform.

It's psychological impotence not physical. It's only a theory, though. Worth exploring if this continues, i.e. you could try to figure out if he has anxiety and make him feel comfortable.
 
slant said:
But I feel like doing so is disrespectful and a violation of his boundaries. Right?
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Sounds sexy... :unamused: It might be, if he actually says 'no' in some way, but...

He wants to have sex, so making him give into his desire could be hot in itself.

Maybe try some mind games, like cooking him something suggestive. As it happens, I've just made some hotdogs.
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Though I don't need much encouragement to fuck myself, to be honest.


Bust out the lingerie or something. Drive him wild.
 
Ren said:
A friend from Doncaster once told me: "Cook salmon, it always works"

It worked :smirk:
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Lololol. The Donny brain is recognisable to those who know.

Ren said:
You're going on a lot about having an ego these days, wazzup Hossounet?
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Sounds like you interposed a comma in my quote where it doesn't belong there, Ren.

What I meant was, I don't need much encouragement to... fuck myself.
 
Deleted member 16771 said:
Sounds like you interposed a comma in my quote where it doesn't belong there, Ren.

What I meant was, I don't need much encouragement to... fuck myself.
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I'm confused, but in order to clear my confusion I think you should send us a picture of you eating the three sausages with absolute delectation :grinning:
 
iu
 
Ren said:
If he has performance anxiety, he'll stay hard no problem as long as he's not about to perform.
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Hmm.

I wish he would just tell me if that's the case!

I get the feeling though that he probably would not tell me despite the fact that I've been a clear communicator and very transparent with him.

There's been odd things that he has said and done that I can't seem to "shake him out of". I don't want to change him but I also feel like he expects me to react a certain way that I never would.

God this thread is becoming about my relationship. Oh well!

For example,

He wanted to go outside to smoke and asked me if that was okay. I was like sure I don't care. Then he went into this speech about how "I know I said I was going to quit, and I did try but I only lasted a few days. I know smoking is bad for you, but I know what cigarettes will do and I don't know what the long term effects of calling vaping is."

I was really befuddled by this whole conversation. My only response was,

"Why would I care if you smoke? That's your personal decision."

He also seemed flustered and was like,

"Oh well I know a lot of people don't like how it smells."

And again I was just kinda stunned and I was like "actually I find smoking attractive"

Which is true.

Then there was another conversation where he was telling me about how he watched the Superbowl and Ricky gervais but he added the clause "I don't normally watch TV that much". I told him I don't watch television and that's just one of my boundaries. I was confused by this and responded, "I don't care if you watch television or not; I just don't because I have a problem with escapism. You can do whatever you want."

His past relationships must have been really bad because he keeps trying to defer to me to get permission to do stuff and I'm just like "I don't own you??? Why would you need my permission?" Makes me feel sad for him
 
I think you can be physically turned on but mentally not want to go that far. So I think it's good, @slant, that you are concerned about violating his boundaries. If he is shy, maybe there's a way to put him at ease. Otherwise you have to marry him and procreate for babies foreverrrrr!
 
slant said:
"Why would I care if you smoke? That's your personal decision."
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Because you're his wife and you want him to survive.

It's not unusual for a partner to express concern when you do something harmful to your health.

Again, it sounds like the guy is pursuing a high-investment strategy (not necessarily consciously) and wants you to care about him (I.e. show the same level of investment).

It also sounds like he's looking for a reassuring voice from you, for some reason, or is embarrassed about his choices - that is, he wants to be 'good for you'.
 
Deleted member 16771 said:
Because you're his wife and you want him to survive.

It's not unusual for a partner to express concern when you do something harmful to your health.

Again, it sounds like the guy is pursuing a high-investment strategy (not necessarily consciously) and wants you to care about him (I.e. show the same level of investment).

It also sounds like he's looking for a reassuring voice from you, for some reason, or is embarrassed about his choices - that is, he wants to be 'good for you'.
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Hmm. Yeah I'm just not the kind of person who's going to control other people or stick my nose in their business. If they express a desire to change or want help I will, but otherwise, everyone is kind of responsible for themselves.

I think this is mostly because I become extremely annoyed if people want to run my life. My choices are my choices and you don't have a say in them. You can give me your opinion but ultimately I'm going to do what's right and true to me. Maybe I should clarify with him that I'm just not a controlling person. I don't want it to come across as I don't care; I do. But if I'm with someone obviously I accept them for who they are, I'm not out to change them. I find that "this is bad for you stop doing it" as controlling and toxic behavior
 
slant said:
His past relationships must have been really bad because he keeps trying to defer to me to get permission to do stuff and I'm just like "I don't own you??? Why would you need my permission?" Makes me feel sad for him
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Sounds like he might be suffering from the dreaded Woke
 
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