[INFJ] War Games: An INFJ/INTJ Relationship

prodigalthoughts

prodigalthoughts

One
MBTI
INFJ
I'm an INFJ who's been in a relationship with an INTJ for about two years now. We're both in our early twenties; he's finishing up his last semester of undergrad with a math and physics major, and I'm in my second semester of grad work for English. Things started off brilliantly. Our Ni's were so naturally and effortlessly aligned that none of the differences in our judging functions presented a problem. We saw the universe in the same way, and that united us; we recognized that our combined powers could lead to an incredible future together. A couple of summers ago, however, we lost that perspective. A three month long separation led to breakdowns in communication and trust, a breakdown that has been increasing in force and severity since then. It honestly feels like we've been at war with each other since that point, using our mistrust of the other to justify actions that are harmful to the other in order to try to protect ourselves.

I've realized that I've grown incredibly selfish in the relationship. I have expectations from him that I never communicate, but then I get mad at him for not fulfilling them. I don't want to have to communicate them; I just want him to know, the way he seemed to intuitively know things about me at the beginning of our relationship. When we argue, I usually end up saying things I don't mean just to hurt him in the way I feel he's hurt me. It's petty and childish, but I'm scared that we're no longer compatible in the way I thought we were. Though I used to love the way he analyzed things, now it just irritates me because I interpret everything he says as being either full of negative criticism or as being too impersonal and distant. We have vastly different views on how much time we should spend together. One thing that bothers me the most is that, though we're sexually active, he never wants to spend the night with me; the few times he has, I don't think he was even able to fall asleep. It makes me feel like he doesn't trust or feel safe with me. In general, it feels like most of the time being around me is an inconvenience for him.

I guess there are loads of things I could say about what's wrong, but this is already longer than I wanted it to be, and I really just want some feedback from anyone about how to help communication issues in a relationship. If anyone has specific insight about INFJs and/or INTJs in particular, that is welcome as well. Thanks in advance. :)
 
Hrrm. Again. INTJs usually want me for my knowledge. How'd you get past that?

Anyways. Hrrm. INTJs don't really communicate with INFJs. They usually study them. These folks are quite not trusting of anyone. The way an INTJ works is that they are blunt though. So in order to speak in their language, one must be blunt. I'm sure if you take what he says badly, he'll lock up from you, and then he'll study you to figure out why you didn't accept his input. Maybe if you just give him the answer, he'll come around out of the lock. If not, then I don't know.
 
Alomos is correct.

Frankly, if you're having all of these issues with this person, you aren't meant to be together. You're Fe will never be satisfied by an INTJ, and you'll never satisfy his weak Fi. According to my observations, INTJs will never really get along with INFJs or any Fe dom/aux (just look at forums of INTJs and see what they say about INFJ.)

Let him go and find someone with the same judging functions; different perceiving functions are alright, those are just perceptional methods. But the way we judge information has a much more powerful effect on how we relate to others. Fe and Te just never work together (in the long run). Sure it's fun at first, but you have to be concerned with the long term results. If you like NTs, ENTP would be a much better match.
 
prodigalthoughts said:
One thing that bothers me the most is that, though we're sexually active, he never wants to spend the night with me; the few times he has, I don't think he was even able to fall asleep. It makes me feel like he doesn't trust or feel safe with me. In general, it feels like most of the time being around me is an inconvenience for him.
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Google this. Some people have that. He needs sleep. He can't sleep next to another person. I have a hard time sleeping with a beautiful girl next to me, moving, breathing etc. Some people are just like that and it doesn't mean he doesn't like or trust you.

I disagree with most of what the others said.

I think in any relationship it's important to communicate. You cannot expect someone to just know what you want. If you want to have any strong and lasting relationship you'll have to communicate.
 
prodigalthoughts said:
I'm an INFJ who's been in a relationship with an INTJ for about two years now. We're both in our early twenties; he's finishing up his last semester of undergrad with a math and physics major, and I'm in my second semester of grad work for English. Things started off brilliantly. Our Ni's were so naturally and effortlessly aligned that none of the differences in our judging functions presented a problem. We saw the universe in the same way, and that united us; we recognized that our combined powers could lead to an incredible future together. A couple of summers ago, however, we lost that perspective. A three month long separation led to breakdowns in communication and trust, a breakdown that has been increasing in force and severity since then. It honestly feels like we've been at war with each other since that point, using our mistrust of the other to justify actions that are harmful to the other in order to try to protect ourselves.

I've realized that I've grown incredibly selfish in the relationship. I have expectations from him that I never communicate, but then I get mad at him for not fulfilling them. I don't want to have to communicate them; I just want him to know, the way he seemed to intuitively know things about me at the beginning of our relationship. When we argue, I usually end up saying things I don't mean just to hurt him in the way I feel he's hurt me. It's petty and childish, but I'm scared that we're no longer compatible in the way I thought we were. Though I used to love the way he analyzed things, now it just irritates me because I interpret everything he says as being either full of negative criticism or as being too impersonal and distant. We have vastly different views on how much time we should spend together. One thing that bothers me the most is that, though we're sexually active, he never wants to spend the night with me; the few times he has, I don't think he was even able to fall asleep. It makes me feel like he doesn't trust or feel safe with me. In general, it feels like most of the time being around me is an inconvenience for him.

I guess there are loads of things I could say about what's wrong, but this is already longer than I wanted it to be, and I really just want some feedback from anyone about how to help communication issues in a relationship. If anyone has specific insight about INFJs and/or INTJs in particular, that is welcome as well. Thanks in advance. :)
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You went from being compatible to ^this^ after being separated for 3 months. Something had to have happened to cause this feeling of mistrust. Care to share? It may help us out in giving the most appropriate advice.
 
The thing that I think you could do the most to help it would be let him know when you feel hurt by him, or when you need something. We can be clueless, definitely, and he will need to be open to the idea that he's imperfect (even though it's usually wrong in our case *evil laugh*).

IME, it will probably need a series of conversations where you both offer emotional vulnerability. I don't mean to imply that it should all be on you. I think we made it through that phase.
 
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Sounds like basic communication styles between the sexes. It helps to know that men do not enjoy playing mind and guessing games with females. Not that they don't understand; its that they prefer more direct communication styles than females. Females tend to think in spirals; where one emotion/feeling/thought is usually leads to another state and on and on and the expectation is that the men are supposed to follow upon this loop until the end. This type of navigation is stressful to them; unless they are really adept at understanding womens psychology which is rare.

I solved my communication issues in my relationship by being very direct and explicit in what i communicate and how i feel. This leaves no "mystery" to how I am feeling or what i am expecting. I also let go of expecting him to read my mind or some sort of guessing that many women expect. From there on; it becomes much easier to solve the issues that are at hand.
 
prodigalthoughts said:
I'm an INFJ who's been in a relationship with an INTJ for about two years now. We're both in our early twenties; he's finishing up his last semester of undergrad with a math and physics major, and I'm in my second semester of grad work for English. Things started off brilliantly. Our Ni's were so naturally and effortlessly aligned that none of the differences in our judging functions presented a problem. We saw the universe in the same way, and that united us; we recognized that our combined powers could lead to an incredible future together. A couple of summers ago, however, we lost that perspective. A three month long separation led to breakdowns in communication and trust, a breakdown that has been increasing in force and severity since then. It honestly feels like we've been at war with each other since that point, using our mistrust of the other to justify actions that are harmful to the other in order to try to protect ourselves.
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I'm an INTJ, 22, and college educated (Started off as biomedical engineering, switched to Anthropology and graduated) so I'm in a similar life stage as your INTJ. The first thing that hits me off the bat is that I don't think your Ni's were aligned as much as you think it was; I think your life experience is similar (College educated, politically liberal or consertvative, things like that). Ni has a problem with hearing a statement and making the assumption about the true meaning of what the statement means. For example: I'm for the death penalty can both indicate that I hate serial killers or that I think solitary confinement is torture and mind-altering.

Also, I think whatever happend that caused your separation is going to be the litmus of your relationship. That point in time is probably what started the alteration between your two and addressing that may be more helpful than you think.

I've realized that I've grown incredibly selfish in the relationship. I have expectations from him that I never communicate, but then I get mad at him for not fulfilling them. I don't want to have to communicate them; I just want him to know, the way he seemed to intuitively know things about me at the beginning of our relationship. When we argue, I usually end up saying things I don't mean just to hurt him in the way I feel he's hurt me. It's petty and childish, but I'm scared that we're no longer compatible in the way I thought we were. Though I used to love the way he analyzed things, now it just irritates me because I interpret everything he says as being either full of negative criticism or as being too impersonal and distant. We have vastly different views on how much time we should spend together.
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Western ideas about relationship are pretty screwed up. The idea that a partner should be intuitively able to tell what you want based on experience and shared history is, in my opinion, dangerous. People change and rehearsing your reactions in a specific way not based on the current situation stifles your ability as a partner. So, realistically speaking, if you don't communicate with him you're not going to get anything that you want. That being said, he should also be wanting to communicate and providing a safe foundation for that conversation to happen. As people grow older and relationships go on for longer periods of time, people's wants and needs get more nuanced and sublte.

Also, I'm sure I don't have to say this, but you shouldn't try to hurt your partner. It really doesn't do anything for you.

I don't think that you two are not compatiable but I think that you've just now reached a point in which you have to put effort into the relationship. People change and grow and things become different. You'll have to decide if it's worth the effort and then communicate with him about your wants and desires. More relationships fail around three years because the assumed connection, bond, and shared social experience between two people start to unfold and people start seeing large differences between them and their partners.

One thing that bothers me the most is that, though we're sexually active, he never wants to spend the night with me; the few times he has, I don't think he was even able to fall asleep. It makes me feel like he doesn't trust or feel safe with me. In general, it feels like most of the time being around me is an inconvenience for him.

I guess there are loads of things I could say about what's wrong, but this is already longer than I wanted it to be, and I really just want some feedback from anyone about how to help communication issues in a relationship. If anyone has specific insight about INFJs and/or INTJs in particular, that is welcome as well. Thanks in advance. :)
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That is particular odd. I have a lot of assumptions about this but I think the best thing for you to do is to talk with him about it.
 
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First of all, I am sorry to hear that. Seems you and him both are hurting-- add that you seem to resort to destructive behaviors and are aware of that... I hope things will get better.

First of all, have that inner talk to yourself. What do you want from him; what caused the breakdown of trust? What is the core of the mistrust? Why?

Do talk to him. Explain your position-- establish a willingness to communicate.

And you yourself must, of course, feel comfortable with communicating your feelings and thoughts and emotions and desires.

And yes, be direct. Be concise. For that I suggest going -- write your thoughts, all of it; the good and the bad, then write another version, the concise, condensed version of everything.
 
Y0u said:
The thing that I think you could do the most to help it would be let him know when you feel hurt by him, or when you need something. We can be clueless, definitely, and he will need to be open to the idea that he's imperfect (even though it's usually wrong in our case *evil laugh*).

IME, it will probably need a series of conversations where you both offer emotional vulnerability. I don't mean to imply that it should all be on you. I think we made it through that phase.
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My experience EXACTLY! Honeymoon period followed by a lot of door-slamming & retreating to our own corners, then came the break.

During the break, we realized how much we really did love one another and when we did get back together, we were both willing to be very open, communicative, and understanding of what is being relayed rather than just HOW it is relayed.

Now we enjoy the way that each other's differences are complementary. It makes us stronger as a unit.
 
I'm happy to hear that....im in a relationship with an intj as well and sometimes he makes me crazy...and I feel bad for being upset more often than I should. I hope time and patience and understanding helps us. Thanks for sharing your story
 
In relation to some of the posts above. I think the idea of "studying" a partner is vaild. I do this with most people that I am close to. I do it subconsciously. So much so that these days I dont even realize I am doing it unless I think about it as I am now. Its funny because I think this leads to a form of what others would call esp. But in reality it simply means more awareness than many people have.
Anyway the only thing I wanted to add is that I think its more than just studying. I think its absorption. In it we will accept the parts we like, tolerate the parts difficult to digest and cast of the ones we find completely unpalatable.
As an example, if you are unwilling to discuss political ideals in a logical, rational and truthful way you will likely be thought of as a simpleton in those matters. At which point there wil never be a two way conversation about it again. So while you may talk and believe you are in agreement because little is said on the other end, thats not what is happening at all. You have been dismissed as someone who does not have good or vaild thought processes on the related subject. For the most part that can be lived with if there are enough other attractive features in the relationship.
Perhaps this helps perhaps it does not.
 
I am in a new relationship with an INTJ. (4 weeks)
I am happy because he says he trusts me more than he has ever trusted anyone.
I tell him bluntly how I feel because I don't think it is reasonable for anyone to expect their S.O. to guess how they are feeling; this is speculation, which is illogical.

You are both very young and you, my dear, are full of the romance of books and movies, but remember books and movies are NOT real life, they are entertainment. Do not base your life on them or seek them out as a way of Life.
Tell him exactly how you feel and maybe ask him what he thinks about it.

INTJs are thinkers and my beloved told me that unless he has a personal connection with someone it is very hard for him to empathize with anyone's emotions..
I accept this because that is what INTJs are and I do not care because he loves me and we connect quite well.
But, sister INFJ, I will take your story as a warning and will guard against it in my own new relationship.
 
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