What is wrong with INFJ men?

Ghoulia Yelps

Ghoulia Yelps

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I thought I'd start a thread about this, leading on from my thread about dating another INFJ. The faults I'm going to discuss relate to female INFJ as well, but are more prurient in men as INFJ makes do not display classic alpha male traits, and seem rather feminised naturally.
I also think that INFP males have similar faults, but are rather more likely to seek self destructive relationships, lol, tragic vampire romance! They want to rescue some weirdo heroin addict or prostitute because they see the good in them!
INFJ makes at their worst are passive and are unable to assert themselves. One I knew was so laid back he was vertical. He suffered from chronic fatigue and when he was depressed he took to his bed. One is reminded of the famous Beach Boys songwriter Brian Wilson. He infamously spend three years in bed. Despite this, the INFJ man can be surprisingly stubborn, and display traits similar to aspergers when asked to do practical things or be cooperative, or get out of their routine.
Another problem is their tendency to live in cloud cuckoo land. There is a condition known as Maladaptive Daydreaming Disorder, this seems like the classic description of an unhealthy INFJ. A person with this condition constructs an elaborate fantasy world, then retreats into it, often for days on end. The daydreamer is very defensive about people calling bullshit on his dream world, and will cut these people out of his life, very brutally and unfairly.
These fantasies often replace the boring drudgery of real life, and become more important to him than reality. Very often, the dreamworld includes a fantasy other half, or Muse, who he is obsessed with. To him, she is an embodiment of the Virgin Mary, Tinkerbell and a Page 3 girl all rolled into one. She is so perfect and magical, he gets angry and dissatisfied with real relationships as real people are defective, they get sick, cry, get angry, piss, shit, all that. Because of this, the INFJ can't hold down a steady relationship, and will end up alone, or with a string of one night stands.
 
right...

I do believe I am reading someones personal frustrations based on their experiences with a single person, and their generalization of said person's traits.
That said it says your an INFJ yourself, are you perhaps describing yourself and projecting that onto all of us?
 
Artisan said:
right...

I do believe I am reading someones personal frustrations based on their experiences with a single person, and their generalization of said person's traits.
That said it says your an INFJ yourself, are you perhaps describing yourself and projecting that onto all of us?
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Let's focus on our similarities. Not our differences. :P

Anyhow, we all know a ton of INFJ characteristics - but how an individual deals with his/her own expectations/circumstances is interesting to some of us.
 
I could tell you about an INFP man who is exactly like the female Sadness character in Disney's Inside Out movie. He even resembles her.
 
Ghoulia Yelps said:
I could tell you about an INFP man who is exactly like the female Sadness character in Disney's Inside Out movie. He even resembles her.
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Had to watch a few youtube clips to get the reference.

That would be a challenging set of traits for a man to get away with. Puts me in mind of the film 'Donnie Darko'.
 
I think when we [INFJs] hurt inside it seems only an xNFx would understand. And they're so handy these days. I feel so alone on a planet when I hurt. I've noticed though to have an xSxx helps also to ground us back. All in all, I just want to be acknowledged, appreciated and understood for all the work I do, Lol. Finally, I have found a male friend, INFP, who will call me out when I need to be. The other friend is ESxx. Pretty good balance.
 
Ghoulia Yelps said:
What is wrong with INFJ men?
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Nothing.

People of any and all type, though, they cray. I've known non-INFJs who illustrate the exact same behaviors you describe. Perhaps INFJs are more likely to shut themselves in or daydream, but if anything they are far more likely to be capable of doing this in a healthy and productive way than another type.
 
I only know one INFJ guy in real life. He can get depressive but nowhere near that level and it's due mostly to living circumstances. I haven't seen the fantasy element other than he can get really involved in new games or a series binge and will go radio silent for a while until he finishes it. Otherwise, I find him to be relatively sane as much as sensitive people can be, usually level headed, quirky, humorous and intelligent.

Maybe the INFJ guys you have known had mental illnesses?
 
The thing I've learned about being an INFJ male is that when there is something wrong with us that causes emotional pain, i.e. relationship and family issues, job stress, etc, we tend to shut down and withdraw. We are even known to remove ourselves completely - escape to a favorite peaceful spot or just pull up anchor and leave (either mentally or physically) all together. I've heard female INFJ's are similar though I can't say, I have never met another face to face. Depending on the severity of the emotional damage, we also will take things out on ourselves physically like binge eat, binge drink, binge whatever. I think it's rather healthy for all INFJ's to daydream- which is to say to spend copious amounts of time think think thinking about everything known to exist and beyond. What the op describes are not indicative traits of all INFJ's, but perhaps indicative of something else that is surfacing in times of stress. Could be depression or some other disorder. I wouldn't know, I know little when it comes to psychology. All I do know is being an INFJ male for the roughly 40 years of being on this planet and the negative and positive sides of us that come out in different life situations.
 
The thing is, it might seem I'm being over critical, and damning these guys, but I have seen both sides of the story.
As a teen and in my early twenties I always tended to lean towards fantasy. I was pretty much obsessed with Star Trek during my early twenties, and actually considered the Next Gen characters my family. They meant more to me than my real family. I identified with Data, Odo and Seven of Nine the most. I think a lot of outsiders and people with aspergers do. I do not have aspergers however, my mother had me tested! Lol :)
I fell in love with a woman on a fan board who I never met and didn't even see a picture of. That was intense. I see these people who get sucked into Internet love scams, and I know that can happen. Maybe the people who are most likely to get scammed like this are INxx types? Anyway, I was not scammed, the lady was very unwell and eventually died. I never saw what she looked like.
I have managed to grow up and stay away from fantasies now.
 
You sound frustrated, perhaps a little insecure. Maybe some cookies might help. All types of men can turn into Manginas. It's not dependent on MBTI.
 
JJJA said:
Mangina
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[video=youtube;XxaP19pY1FI]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XxaP19pY1FI[/video]
 
Aspergers and other similar diseases suggest the inability to relate to anything. Emotionally or otherwise. I truly believe that an INFJ with aspergers cannot exist since a hallmark of an INFJ, regardless of gender, is the ability to relate to and empathize with others (even, and in some ways, especially with fictional beings) on deeper levels than most. Just my take on it.
 
Xroads said:
Aspergers and other similar diseases suggest the inability to relate to anything. Emotionally or otherwise. I truly believe that an INFJ with aspergers cannot exist since a hallmark of an INFJ, regardless of gender, is the ability to relate to and empathize with others (even, and in some ways, especially with fictional beings) on deeper levels than most. Just my take on it.
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I don't think that's necessarily true anymore. Intense World Theory suggest that people withdraw because of TOO MANY connections. They feel everything and retreat from the noise and don't develop the skills necessary to be very social. There's a lot of people who attest to this lately, including myself. They don't fit in right away and people give up on them and they don't develop further.

An INFJ aspie would probably have the most chance to be more aware than anyone because of their propensity to structure the world and make sense of the chaos, not needing many friends but being loyal to the ones we have.

That's what happened to me. I was really late in being able to relate to people. I was lucky to be able to figure out for myself that I worry about what everyone is feeling rather than the opposite. I walk into a room with people in it and it's just INTENSE if I don't kind of shut down and limit my focus. I've been known to disappear because I can't handle the weight of the room. It's like a physical heaviness and thickness in the air.
 
[MENTION=14308]Xroads[/MENTION]

Also I think that maybe a number of aspies are buried so deep in their shells that they don't very often come off autopilot. Or maybe don't even know that they can.

I know I wasn't very conscious until I broke out of my shell and had that eureka moment of suddenly being aware, almost like an enlightenment. I suddenly learned that I'd been going along all that time buried deep inside and asleep with my body going around like some kind of robot. Maybe some people don't get the chance to wake up like that.
 
[MENTION=6917]sprinkles[/MENTION]

I guess I never considered the fact that it wasn't the inability to empathize, but the emphatic ability to do just that sending one into overload. I'm in total agreement. Thanks for your perspective on it and for sharing.
 
sprinkles said:
I don't think that's necessarily true anymore. Intense World Theory suggest that people withdraw because of TOO MANY connections. They feel everything and retreat from the noise and don't develop the skills necessary to be very social. There's a lot of people who attest to this lately, including myself. They don't fit in right away and people give up on them and they don't develop further.

An INFJ aspie would probably have the most chance to be more aware than anyone because of their propensity to structure the world and make sense of the chaos, not needing many friends but being loyal to the ones we have.

That's what happened to me. I was really late in being able to relate to people. I was lucky to be able to figure out for myself that I worry about what everyone is feeling rather than the opposite. I walk into a room with people in it and it's just INTENSE if I don't kind of shut down and limit my focus. I've been known to disappear because I can't handle the weight of the room. It's like a physical heaviness and thickness in the air.
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This ^
 
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