Why is showing false kindness so draining?

[Matty]

At work, I sometimes have to exchange pleasantries with people who I don't really like, e.g. because they are bad at their job in a way that makes mine more difficult or because they ask too many uncomfortable questions about my personal life.

I have learned to handle these interactions by saying a few canned kind phrases and ending the conversation. But I realized that showing this kind of false empathy is really draining. Do you have any thoughts on why this is?

It isn't difficult for me to smile and say "That's so exciting!" when someone I like shares good news. But the same exact gesture and phrase is exhausting when I don't really care for the person.

Sometimes I wish I could just sort of disassociate and play these "programmed" nice scripts without attending to the emotional authenticity aspect.

Resignation to negative situations cultivates depression.

"Being nice" can be, as you note, sincere affection, or submission to threats. I presume you feel that if you dropped the pretense of interest in your workplace narcissist coworkers, you'd worry about unjust consequences.

Generally, it's more acceptable for men to be more emotionally disengaged. I never react to people's intrusive/unprofessional interactions. Occasionally, some people will persist in trying to get a reaction out of me, but eventually give up.

Perhaps you've already established a longstanding precedent of being others' social doormat, which will make it harder to extract yourself from supplying narcissists with attention, but there are some methods to cause them to leave you to do your work in peace. "Grey rock method" might be worth looking into:

Grey rock method: What it is and how to use it effectively

The grey rock method involves becoming unresponsive to abusive or manipulative behavior so that the perpetrator will lose interest.

www.medicalnewstoday.com

 

[uuu]

@TomasM, I appreciate your perspective, but the attempt to uncover a deeper insecurity here just doesn't ring true. Of course my question was inspired by a particular interaction, but I really did want to have a general discussion about the question in the thread title and hear others' experiences. I elaborated on the one relationship only because you asked me to, not because the feelings are particularly intense—I have other workplace relationships where that is true, such as a guy last year who, within a week of joining the team, held a bizarre meeting with me and my manager in which he launched a bunch of obscure methodological critiques of my work in an attempt to demonstrate his technical bona fides.

With the guy we were discussing previously, there has been no direct conflict; in fact, I think he genuinely wants to cultivate a mentorship with me and my reasons for not reciprocating are more "this wouldn't be the best use of my time" than "this guy is a threat."

And if I have been vague about the details it is because I am trying not to doxx myself.

 

[uuu]

Generalizing, one of the reasons that I find showing false kindness in low-stakes settings so draining is precisely because of the OCD voice inside of my saying the sorts of things that TomasM is saying: That my discomfort must reflect some deeper moral failing within me, such as failing to appreciate the guy's special value or feeling insecure in my status. Sometimes that may be true, but other times it's really "not that deep" and I need to step back and accept that not everyone is destined to be my friend, mentor, or foil.

 

[uuu]

Perhaps you've already established a longstanding precedent of being others' social doormat, which will make it harder to extract yourself from supplying narcissists with attention

Haha, yes, I have also been on a long journey of dealing with narcissistic coworkers and superiors (see new guy I introduced 2 posts back).

However, I think the range of people I am thinking about in this thread is larger than narcissists and sociopaths, who clearly harbor bad intentions. I also feel drained by social interactions with people who are good people but who continually ask me for social or workplace support that I do not have the bandwidth to provide.

Have you ever talked to someone who is very physically attractive and is constantly getting approached by suitors and having to turn them down? Many of the suitors are perfectly good people, but you can't say yes to all of them, and constantly saying no results in a very emotionally draining experience and difficulty forming emotional connections even when you are ready to reciprocate. (Or so I am told. This is not my experience.)

 

[Wyote]

my discomfort must reflect some deeper moral failing within me, such as failing to appreciate the guy's special value or feeling insecure in my status. Sometimes that may be true, but other times it's really "not that deep" and I need to step back and accept that not everyone is destined to be my friend, mentor, or foil.

It's generally always healthier to under-complicate things.
Human's natural inclination is generally to over-complicate so it takes some level of active work to counteract this.

 

[TomasM]

but the attempt to uncover a deeper insecurity here just doesn't ring true.

I wasn’t suggesting insecurity, in fact, it was just the opposite. You are projecting an air of superiority over your coworker to a point where kindness is false.

I had empathy for your situation and that’s why I suggested stepping back to look at the entire situation abstractly.

Self reflection and looking at the bigger picture is a good thing when a person is projecting a “false,” perception (kindness) about who they are. Your words are contradictory and send a mixed message and that is why stepping back and reflecting becomes a wise decision.

My responses are sincere and an attempt to give insight (that you asked for) based on your words and descriptions of the situation. I did it out of empathy and wished you good luck.

Haha, yes, I have also been on a long journey of dealing with narcissistic coworkers and superiors (see new guy I introduced 2 posts back).

Now, you want to attack and label me inferior. Seems as if there may be a pattern emerging.

I no longer wish to help you.

 

[uuu]

Now, you want to attack and label me inferior.

To clarify, "new guy" there was not a reference to you but to the other colleague.

 

[TomasM]

To clarify, "new guy" there was not a reference to you but to the other colleague.

My apologies. I retract that last part.

I genuinely was trying to understand and be helpful.

The entire situation at your work seems like something more than just presenting false kindness. False kindness should be an exception and not a normal behavior in a good team environment.

Perhaps I've been fortunate to have some amazing teams. I'm very introverted, but people can come talk to me about anything as long as I'm not super busy. In fact, the ladies and gents come by and ask about the ball game from the night before or what I think about something completely unrelated to my job. If I don't know or it needs to be hypothetical then I clarify my stance from the jump. I even have people ask me to help them prepare their employee evaluations, and I help them, but I also challenge them to work through it and then come back if they have a quick question. If I don't have time then I tell them I'm busy and offer them other possible options or someone else they could talk to about it. Helping others is always an opportunity to build a relationship which is almost always valuable to me.

I believe the one thing that always helps me the most is having a coworker that is a close friend and can help me manage distractions. They usually know what I'm doing and can help manage problems or problem people. We eat lunch together, talk shop, know personal lives, and get ahead together. That's invaluable.

 

[Matty]

...good people but who continually ask me for social or workplace support that I do not have the bandwidth to provide...

Good people aren't inconsiderate: they both pay attention to others' comfort/discomfort, and are considerate to not cause discomfort.

A lot of people are just good at playing a "good person persona."

 

[Asa]

Today, I was giving a presentation and one of the academic types in the audience tried to pin me down on a difficult methodological point, but her question had a false premise that was difficult to correct gently, so I had to sort of just acknowledge her question and move on rather than "defend" my approach. I am worried this will become one of those "l'esprit d'escalier" type situations, but perhaps if I tell myself that I "won" by being polite instead of going down a rabbit hole, I can fend off that rumination.

Yikes! The false premise is dirty. I believe you did win.

Charisma on Command sometimes uses questionable (yet popular and powerful) people as examples, but their point is always behavior. They recommend taking the high road when confronted or disrespected. They have a few videos that suggest how to accomplish this and your response fits their suggestions.

 

[Anomalous]

The bigger the contrast between your authentic mood and the false act, the more drained you're going to feel. There's a reason acting is a paid career.

To me it feels like being pulled from my mind and then thrown into an unrelated animated discussion halfway through. It's hard to spontaneously flip the switch like that. However, it also happens in reverse. It can take me a while to wind down from socialising and return to myself again.

Maybe one day one of us will have a public meltdown and start screaming at everyone.