@Skarekrow
I acknowledge insensitivity earlier in how I reacted to you mentioning your cousin. I apologize. It is the worst when you project; engage in the same behavior you critique others for, and for that I'm accountable. For that I'm sorry.
I have been contemplating a lot why it is so important for me to come in this thread and argue, when I know this thread is a safe Haven for those who are dealing with a global crisis.
I convinced myself it was about giving an alternative perspective, and while it's true, I do believe there's more of a middle ground to this, it doesn't explain why I behaved the way I did. It's clear that I was not going to change anyone's minds, so posting here had to have some purpose for me.
I think mostly it was because I was upset that my boyfriend wouldn't come see me. If I could convince others of what I perceive of the situation I would be vindicated. I could get my boyfriend to change his mind somehow.
Anyway....
I knew what I was doing was hostile and unproductive. And I really want to acknowledge that.
I still do largely believe the economy needs to be reopened, but I caught myself in the irony of it all.
Why does it matter if internet people agree with me? Don't get me wrong; I fully connect with this community. You aren't just internet people to me which makes what I did doubly cruel.
What I mean is: whether I'm right or wrong, I have no influence or say in what happens. In that sense we are all helpless.
I've come to understand, by talking to the open mic community this past month to make sure we all stay safe and connected, that everyone has a different take. There are as many angles to this as mosquitoes on the planet. And I found myself fighting with those people too; feeling frustrated when others didn't see eye to eye with me.
I needed control. I needed reassurance. I think we all do to a degree. This pandemic is so difficult because our sense of agency has largely been ripped from us. We all handle it differently.
Thank you for those of you who have been patient with me. I understand why you are as passionate as you are even if I don't necessarily agree with all of the angles. I'm working hard to remain objective and not let my own personal demons interfere with how I process this event.
The truth is, though, i know that a part of me is looking for ways to end the quarantine. That doesn't mean that I'm entirely wrong in some of the things I observe; but that emotional need of mine not to be trapped in a scenario that is essentially my own personal hell does create a bias. It does make me explore possibilities that would inhibit what would help me to survive. My mental state is shaky in these circumstances. I know everyone's is.
I'm really going to try to focus on not posting here, and if I do, to be more mindful of my intentions. I think this thread is serving a good purpose, a theraputic way for people to let out thoughts and feelings. I have the right to post my own thoughts and feelings but I should also be respectful of others and not deliberately poach people who are in the same boat as me just trying to sift through information.
Namaste
Slant,
Thank you for this post.
I'm sorry if I have said anything that helped aggravate you, it wasn't my intention to do so, I want you to know.
I appreciate that you offer another perspective(s) and counter stories to the ones posted here ripping into Trump.
As much as I dislike the man, I can respect the opinions of others who do like him.
I respect you, I appreciate you, I can empathize with how you are feeling.
We are all feeling as if things are a bit out of our hands and control right now.
Also, per your previous post back near the beginning of this thread where you talked about feeling overwhelmed by empathy - I really do get it.
I used to have to turn off, or at least turn way down, my empathy and feelings in order to properly do my job working in the ER and then in the OR.
I had days/nights where people would die and we would go outside, have a cigarette and crack jokes to lighten the mood.
Once I got to my car though to go home very often it would hit me and I would have tears coming down my cheeks on my way home.
It's intense.
This whole situation now is intense and most of it
is out of our control.
I understand why you felt/are feeling the way you are for the most part - it's a natural defense mechanism and I do it myself too, both in the past and even now.
It's very hard to give empathy to others when your own feelings are overwhelming you...it can be too much and it's natural to want to shut that off.
However you see fit to do that is your own call and I will respect that as well.
I apologize if I've inferred your POV as cold or callous - you are correct that you have every right to express that...it's one of my own triggers though that I recognize in myself.
I find it personally difficult to hold my tongue when I see other people being dismissed in those ways.
I'll try to do better.
Sorry that your boyfriend is exacerbating things, it's hard when your support structure starts to show cracks or isn't as solid as we thought of hoped it was/is.
Hopefully that will work itself out in your favor and take some stress off of you.
It was very big of you to write what you wrote and I say that in the least patronizing way possible...you are brave for putting those feelings out there.
I honestly hope my cousin does well too...it's hard to say who will do well and who won't as we still don't know so much about the Covid virus.
And it's hard to say what will happen with the economy and all that BS since we still don't know if and when things will begin to open up again, who will be impacted more than others, etc.
I know of several restaurants in my town that will not be reopening because they simply don't have the money to do so.
That is incredibly sad...for them, for our economy, for some semblance of "normal" life returning.
There are so many unknowns at this point and it's human nature to fear the unknown future.
We can only try to cultivate an "internal locus of control" (how much actual control we feel we have over our lives) -
https://psychcentral.com/blog/cultivating-an-internal-locus-of-control-and-why-its-crucial/
I hope that link can offer some helpful thoughts and insights.
I really want this whole ordeal to end too (as much as I like being away from people lol), I think we all do.
The way my brain works is to save as many lives as possible...that is what I was trained to do and was my career for nearly two decades.
I am very aware that there may come a point in time that hard decisions as to who lives or dies may have to be made - for the most part though my own focus is on how to prevent getting to that point.
I am also very understanding that the economy cannot and will not remain closed indefinitely - what upsets me is the misappropriation of funds to large corporate entities instead of the people/small businesses who need it now and are suffering now.
I honestly don't think we should be propping up the banks, real estate, oil industry, etc. - but that's a whole other discussion I will leave to another time.
Thank you again for your post...and I offer my own apologies if I have said anything to exasperate you.
We are always going to be stronger together...we will always be stronger leaning on one another instead of tearing one another down.
We are all filled with frustration, fear, anger, disgust, sadness...but we also are all capable of the opposite emotions.
Let us focus on those.
I truly find you very bright, intelligent, and passionate.
I would rather have you as a friend than an enemy any day and hope we can foster such a relationship.
Have a very peaceful weekend.
We will be alright and make it though.
Much love.
I'll let myself out, lol
