Dating that Leads to Marriage?

Eventhorizon said:
Would be nice to think people would want to spend a life together. But when you think about it, isnt it a bit like choosing a cake you like...say vanilla and declaring you will never try another type of cake as long as you live? One day someone slides you some red velvet ... you know that vanilla is going down.
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I find it interesting that the majority of the people here who don't value marriage or a lifetime commitment are somewhere on the opposite end of the spectrum from me, MBTI wise. lol

I actually have no desire to "try" different types of partners. I value feeling safe and secure in a relationship with someone who loves me, and I wouldn't want it to end. Is everyone cut out for marriage? Of course not, as this thread clearly shows. However there are some of us, such as myself, who value love to such an extent that we could never imagine throwing that away all because we wanted to experience other people. (That is with the assumption that the relationship/marriage is healthy and loving.) The more people you involve yourself romantically, the more pieces of your heart you give away. For me, this is something I want avoid at all costs.

When reading my posts, don't forget that I am an INFP. I see the world in a romanticized way. I am aware that not everyone will see things as I do-- I have been used to feeling like I'm in my own world for 25 years now. And this is what makes loving an INFP so special, in my opinion. I can love someone with a love like they've never experienced before. My solution is to find a girl who sees the world in the same way as I do. This is partly why views on marriage, long-term commitment will need to be an important discussion in my next relationship to make sure we are on the same page, regardless of whether or not we actually end up getting married.
 
RunDeep said:
I find it interesting that the majority of the people here who don't value marriage or a lifetime commitment are somewhere on the opposite end of the spectrum from me, MBTI wise. lol

I actually have no desire to "try" different types of partners. I value feeling safe and secure in a relationship with someone who loves me, and I wouldn't want it to end. Is everyone cut out for marriage? Of course not, as this thread clearly shows. However there are some of us, such as myself, who value love to such an extent that we could never imagine throwing that away all because we wanted to experience other people. (That is with the assumption that the relationship/marriage is healthy and loving.) The more people you involve yourself romantically, the more pieces of your heart you give away. For me, this is something I want avoid at all costs.

When reading my posts, don't forget that I am an INFP. I see the world in a romanticized way. I am aware that not everyone will see things as I do-- I have been used to feeling like I'm in my own world for 25 years now. And this is what makes loving an INFP so special, in my opinion. I can love someone with a love like they've never experienced before. My solution is to find a girl who sees the world in the same way as I do. This is partly why views on marriage, long-term commitment will need to be an important discussion in my next relationship to make sure we are on the same page, regardless of whether or not we actually end up getting married.
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Interesting take on my post. I personally value commitment but certainly not marriage as marriage is nothing more than a religious Institution...until the government got involved and it became an economic consideration for couples.
Id like to find someone I felt like spending my life with but...I am not going to force it by living some fantasy in my head that doesnt exist in real life and then act surprised when it all falls apart.
 
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RunDeep said:
I find it interesting that the majority of the people here who don't value marriage or a lifetime commitment are somewhere on the opposite end of the spectrum from me, MBTI wise. lol

I actually have no desire to "try" different types of partners. I value feeling safe and secure in a relationship with someone who loves me, and I wouldn't want it to end. Is everyone cut out for marriage? Of course not, as this thread clearly shows. However there are some of us, such as myself, who value love to such an extent that we could never imagine throwing that away all because we wanted to experience other people. (That is with the assumption that the relationship/marriage is healthy and loving.) The more people you involve yourself romantically, the more pieces of your heart you give away. For me, this is something I want avoid at all costs.

When reading my posts, don't forget that I am an INFP. I see the world in a romanticized way. I am aware that not everyone will see things as I do-- I have been used to feeling like I'm in my own world for 25 years now. And this is what makes loving an INFP so special, in my opinion. I can love someone with a love like they've never experienced before. My solution is to find a girl who sees the world in the same way as I do. This is partly why views on marriage, long-term commitment will need to be an important discussion in my next relationship to make sure we are on the same page, regardless of whether or not we actually end up getting married.
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Interesting take on my post. I personally value commitment but certainly not marriage as marriage is nothing more than a religious Institution...until the government got involved and it became an economic consideration for couples.
Id like to find someone I felt like spending my life with but...I am not going to force it by living some fantasy in my head that doesnt exist in real life and then act surprised when it all falls apart.
 
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Eventhorizon said:
Interesting take on my post. I personally value commitment but certainly not marriage as marriage is nothing more than a religious Institution...until the government got involved and it became an economic consideration for couples.
Id like to find someone I felt like spending my life with but...I am not going to force it by living some fantasy in my head that doesnt exist in real life and then act surprised when it all falls apart.
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Oh trust me, I'm not planning on forcing it either. It has got to be real and genuine, otherwise it won't work. I won't settle for anything less in love.
 
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RunDeep said:
Oh trust me, I'm not planning on forcing it either. It has got to be real and genuine, otherwise it won't work. I won't settle for anything less in love.
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Wait for the red velvet cake then.... maybe with sour cream icing.
 
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Eventhorizon said:
Wait for the red velvet cake then.... maybe with sour cream icing.
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This mentality makes me sad and it's why so many marriages fail these days... A successful marriage is up to YOU (On your end, of course). YOU alone hold the power to make it work and love someone. marriage is a two-way street of course though, and this is why I will find a partner who also believes this. humans aren't mindless victims of biology, and this is what sets us apart from animals. Love and commitment is a choice and can be done. The problem is that people get lazy and selfish and aren't willing to make sacrifices for their partner. love is a choice, not just a feeling.

People are often so quick to criticize and put down something pure and beautiful, just because they dont' have the self-control in place. Some of us still do have that capacity--and those people are the ones who give me hope in the world. some people simply aren't cut out for marriage, and that's fine if it makes them happy. but don't de-value/discourage it for the people who are up for it. marriage is a beautiful thing, regardless of whether it's right for you personally.
 
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RunDeep said:
This mentality makes me sad and it's why so many marriages fail these days... A successful marriage is up to YOU (On your end, of course). YOU alone hold the power to make it work and love someone. marriage is a two-way street of course though, and this is why I will find a partner who also believes this. humans aren't mindless victims of biology, and this is what sets us apart from animals. Love and commitment is a choice and can be done. The problem is that people get lazy and selfish and aren't willing to make sacrifices for their partner. love is a choice, not just a feeling.

People are often so quick to criticize and put down something pure and beautiful, just because they dont' have the self-control in place. Some of us still do have that capacity--and those people are the ones who give me hope in the world. some people simply aren't cut out for marriage, and that's fine if it makes them happy. but don't de-value/discourage it for the people who are cut out for it. marriage is a beautiful thing, regardless of whether it's right for you personally.
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You dont like my cake analogy.
Fine be that way.
I hope you find someone who is only willing to view marriage in a very specific way never thinking outside of the lines.
 
Eventhorizon said:
You dont like my cake analogy.
Fine be that way.
I hope you find someone who is only willing to view marriage in a very specific way never thinking outside of the lines.
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Yeah, the cake analogy comes across as a bit selfish to me, but that's just my opinion. Love is unselfish. It won't work any other way. Sorry.
 
Pleiades said:
without this, all you have is a business partner.
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I am not at all advocating for a loveless marriage. I am just saying that it should not be the *most* important element when considering marriage.

Love is fluid. Like the tides it will ebb at times and flood at others. Love is easy. Heck I loved you within a month of knowing you.

Yes. Consider love, but do not let it blind you to the core values you want in a life partner.
RunDeep said:
People are often so quick to criticize and put down something pure and beautiful, just because they dont' have the self-control in place.
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I'm sorry but this is condescending as fuck. It takes two people to make a marriage work. Most divorces are not easy and amicable. Most marriages are not pure and beautiful, that is reality. Acknowledging that in no way means a person is devaluing the "sanctity of marriage" all it means is that, if they do marry it will have more weight and meaning because it was entered into knowing the dark side of it and still willing to face it.
 
RunDeep said:
Yeah, the cake analogy comes across as a bit selfish to me, but that's just my opinion. Love is unselfish. It won't work any other way. Sorry.
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I truly hope that you never have to experience it otherwise.
 
Jet said:
I am not at all advocating for a loveless marriage. I am just saying that it should not be the *most* important element when considering marriage.

Love is fluid. Like the tides it will ebb at times and flood at others. Love is easy. Heck I loved you within a month of knowing you.

Yes. Consider love, but do not let it blind you to the core values you want in a life partner.

I'm sorry but this is condescending as fuck. It takes two people to make a marriage work. Most divorces are not easy and amicable. Most marriages are not pure and beautiful, that is reality. Acknowledging that in no way means a person is devaluing the "sanctity of marriage" all it means is that, if they do marry it will have more weight and meaning because it was entered into knowing the dark side of it and still willing to face it.
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Actually, RunDeep did say that marriage was a two-way street. I don't think he believes that it lies on the shoulders of one person.
 
Comet said:
Actually, RunDeep did say that marriage was a two-way street. I don't think he believes that it lies on the shoulders of one person.
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Thank you. I have stated that marriage is a two-way street. What am I saying (and perhaps miscommunicated), is that it takes two selfless people to make a marriage work. two people who are willing to make sacrifices for the other and take responsibility for their own actions/choices. Having the victim mentality that "we are all slaves to our natures, biology, human desires, etc." is not the way to look at it. Humans should seek to rise above our weaknesses and strive for what is good, pure, and lovely. Will we be perfect? of course not. I'm not perfect in the slightest. but that doesn't mean we shouldn't strive to be the best we can be.
 
Eventhorizon said:
Interesting take on my post. I personally value commitment but certainly not marriage as marriage is nothing more than a religious Institution...until the government got involved and it became an economic consideration for couples.
Id like to find someone I felt like spending my life with but...I am not going to force it by living some fantasy in my head that doesnt exist in real life and then act surprised when it all falls apart.
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Agree, except that marriage began as an economic institution. It was popularized for reasons to do with owning property. Women were not allowed to own property, but their husbands could. (In some cultures marriage was a way for men to obtain female slaves.) This is why priests cannot get married - they had to give property to the church. It became a religious union later on.
- I'd prefer to post evidence that this is true, but I honestly can't be bothered to spend an hour on the Internet lookign it up right now.

In other cultures, marriage was used to form alliances.

My SO and I never planned to get married. We got married because we wanted everyone to understand we are family and nothing comes between us.
As a couple (20 yrs married / 26 together) we live separate, but parallel lives. We don't control each other. We spend a good deal of time apart, despite really liking each other's company.
When people say, "How can you let your husband do that?" or, "It's great you let your husband do that!" my reaction is always, "It isn't my choice. Of course I let him do what he wants."
 
Comet said:
Actually, RunDeep did say that marriage was a two-way street. I don't think he believes that it lies on the shoulders of one person.
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I'm aware of that. but his implication that people who take a more cautious approach to the establishment of marriage are somehow ruining it was my objection. He may not have meant that, I'm not upset, this just provides him with an opportunity to improve his communication should he fall for one of us thinking type gals ;)


Pleiades said:
love and understanding.
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My ex loved me something fierce and obviously understood me enough to fully manipulate me. And yes many would say his love is not "real" love but I disagree. who really we to apply quantitative descriptors to omething that is almost purely emotional and as such dependent upon each of us to self identify.
 
Jet said:
My ex loved me something fierce and obviously understood me enough to fully manipulate me. And yes many would say his love is not "real" love but I disagree. who really we to apply quantitative descriptors to omething that is almost purely emotional and as such dependent upon each of us to self identify.
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meh

you need some of the good stuff, lady <3
 
RunDeep said:
Yeah, the cake analogy comes across as a bit selfish to me, but that's just my opinion. Love is unselfish. It won't work any other way. Sorry.
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The cake is a lie anyway....
 
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