I have just recently figured that I can only forgive when someone asks for my forgiveness. Even more so, I can't forgive until I understand WHY the thing happened. Does that make sense? I've said, "I forgive [this person]" in my heart dozens of times because I know it's the right thing to do.. but it doesn't feel like I've forgiven.
For example, I can't forgive my dad for being violent when I was a kid because he acts as if it never happened... If he asked for forgiveness, acknowledged what he did and at least attempted to give some explanation of what was going on inside his head.. I might be able to forgive him.
It's easy to tell someone "I forgive you." Forgiveness is cliched and platitudinous...It's not just a word you throw around and expect yourself to live up to. It's a very very difficult thing to bring yourself to to, and it takes even more than an act of will.
I never forget, and I rarely forgive.. unless I can understand the motive.
This is really good, and I believe that I am in a way like this too. The thing is with me though, there are so few people (if any) that have truly crossed me, that would have me in a state where I have not forgiven them. There are only two people who I question if I have forgiven them for some things, my father, and my ex (who ironicly enough, are quite similar in some ways).
My father for being emotionally abusive and over-athoratative when I was little. I do not hold any anger, resentment, or hatred towards him for this. However, part of me is still "distressed" that he has never addressed or really spoken about how he has treated me. What it really comes down to is he is not able to wrap his brain around it all nor understand it. It is beyond his capacity. In that way, it sort of dissapoints me that he will never "get it" and hence part of me has in a way forgone forgiveness for all of this. I still speak to him of course, and I do not treat him badly in any way, but I can safely say if he were to vanish from my life, I would likely not be upset.
My ex is similar in that he will never understand or get what he has done. I have to put the majority of the blame on myself for how I went about it when I met him. However, he does not have the capaicty to understand how he did hurt me. His nature is very much like my fathers where he is just non emotional and has no moral ground (only ethical, and that is lacking a bit too anyway). As such just doesn't understand how I could be hurt, and never will. Because of that I have cut him totally out of my life. For the reason that it will only harm me because I was hurt so much. I hold no ill feelings to him. The strongest feeling that I have is that I so wish he was a different person, but that is impossible. So it is something I can not control. In a sense this has caused me to not want to "forgive him" even though I have no resentment, only sadness.
I wonder if I am just incapable of feeling any kind of hot-negitive emotions towards another living person (what I mean by hot-negitive, is stuff like anger, rage, resentment, vengefullness, ect.). It could be because I try to sort out the reasons, motives, and all things related to why a person does what they do. Since I realise all of this, it leads to a form of empathy. Empathy will in most cases cause forgiveness to form, because it is a form of understanding, and understanding is needed for forgiveness. In cases though, where I can empathize to understand, but the other party is unable to (it is beyond what is possible), a sort of blocked-unforgivenness forms.
/utterstreamofconciousness