[INFJ] Do you value being loved or being understood higher?

JJJA said:
"You have enemies? Good. That means you stood for something, sometime in your life". --From Winston Churchill

I'd rather be understood, because I would rather people know where I stand and hate me than be loved by people that have no idea why they love me, and worship me like a God. It means I'd be living in a society that encourages skepticism over blind acceptance without independent thought.
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And what about in your interpersonal relationships? The above scenario only describes your relationship withing society as a whole. Just curious.
 
Uhm...both?

I believe Love is born from a deeper Understanding,
something beyond just a feeling of caring or adoration.
But Understanding is more theoretical, while Love is more 'applied'.

So in a way, I think Understanding is passive Love,
while Love is active Understanding.
If that makes sense. :D
 
sprinkles said:
Ah, well.... after thinking about this for a bit I think I found the misunderstanding.

See, it's not really like that. I don't feel misunderstood because I think I'm so deep, or so troubled that nobody gets me. I'm not even particularly sad or lonely or anything like that, and I certainly don't think I'm too advanced for people to understand (though I might have made a joke to that effect before, I don't actually believe it)

The truth is that I have difficulty speaking verbally to a point where I'm shy about it and don't talk much and when I do talk, I think I sound like an idiot. A lot of people treat me like I'm retarded, or at best some kind of Rain Man gifted. It's as if I get loved from a distance because many people don't know me, in the truest sense of not knowing me.
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This is precisely how I feel.

thirdhalf said:
Inadvisable for me, definitely. For those with high and/or dominant Se preferences though? I have met many people that thrive on romance which in a large way is the mystery and adventure of a relationship, it always feels like their inner emotion of 'love' is as genuine as any of mine though very different and from a different place.
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Thank you. Lol ;P I'm waiting .. *cough cough*


To me, love involves a mental connection which involves emotions and good connection and interplay between those things. Active, smooth communication and reciprocation of thoughts, and emotions to indent them. Otherwise, I can be civil with you like I am with any other person, but that doesn't constitute some kind of special connection, to me. Otherwise, at most I'm just sitting around taking soma or having fun in company and that temporary experience will pass and be over, and I'll have another silly memory under my belt which to me frankly is time not well spent if not tempered with considerable amounts of time actually bonding with and getting to know someone intimately, and through that growing to like them more and more.

Look, what I think is that if you truly love someone, you automatically do these things and what I described is just a breakdown of the underlying mechanism of it. If one loves, one understands that it need not be so painstakingly defined. But I think that in every mutually fulfilling relationship, all of that is what is involved. If you are willing to understand in its purest and most open minded sense, that means you're willing to accept and that is the starting place for love. And if you're a person who is willing to love, then from that naturally should come a desire to truly and fully understand your subject of love and your emotions. Humans are complex; nothing's black and white. The fact that we are capable of both, and can grow, and moreover help one another to grow, is the beauty of it all. Sometimes frustrating, but usually eventually very rewarding.
 
Free2be said:
For me, I cannot choose one without the other; they go hand in hand. And I mean being truly understood, truly loved deep down within even the darkest parts of my soul. Not just having my POV understood, or loved because its obligatory (i.e. familial)
I do not believe unconditional love exists. I have seen mothers turn their backs on their children, I have seen babies abandoned and have had men die in my arms in the ER. I have seen people living in streets wearing threadbare clothing in the dead of winter who give what little food they have to stray dogs when other people just pass them by like they are invisible. I have seen too much of true human nature to believe in unconditional love.
But if it did exist, perhaps I would choose that.
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Thanks for that hefty dose of reality, Free. Lol. I guess I kind of agree. But if I can't have both, I'll choose being understood over love.
 
I value being loved. Though being understood is nice, doesn’t mean you would achieve the same levels of respect, admiration and acceptance as being loved in a deeper and spiritual sense.
 
Being understood is important to me, but being loved is more valuable. Those who love us want to understand us, accept when they don't understand us, want to share their lives with us, and have our best interests at heart.


You could go your entire life rejecting people who don't understand you and end up very lonely. Or you could fill your life with people who love you and want to understand you, even when they don't.
 
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Being loved.
 
If there is a choice loved. At one point I would have said understood, but this is not enough. It can feel great to be validated by someone who understands you, but understanding doesn't mean someone cares or will stick around to be there for you. Someone may not fully understand you, but yet they are there for you, supporting you, making sure you're ok. They can offer comfort, sympathy, and affection despite not fully understanding you. Yes, it's nice to have both but if there is a choice, it's loved.
 
Thinking back a bit, being understood. Why the change? It is really not a change. If someone truly understands me, they would know how I feel about being loved.

However, I don't want everyone to understand me: only those deserving of my love.
 
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I value both and not one over the other. What kind of question is this?
 
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acd said:
I value both and not one over the other. What kind of question is this?
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I think there might legitimately be a difference.

In many ways my own parents don't really understand me lol, but I definitely would rather be loved by them without being fully understood than the reverse.

The question though, is whether being 'fully understood' is possible except by oneself. I'm not sure, to be honest.
 
Ren said:
I think there might legitimately be a difference.

In many ways my own parents don't really understand me lol, but I definitely would rather be loved by them without being fully understood than the reverse.

The question though, is whether being 'fully understood' is possible except by oneself. I'm not sure, to be honest.
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It doesn't matter if you're 'fully understood,' just that you're understood enough.

As for parenthood, maybe I'm jaded, but I believe love without understanding is emptier, and can lead to full-on hate.
 
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Ren said:
I think there might legitimately be a difference.

In many ways my own parents don't really understand me lol, but I definitely would rather be loved by them without being fully understood than the reverse.

The question though, is whether being 'fully understood' is possible except by oneself. I'm not sure, to be honest.
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Sometimes I question why some questions need to be asked. There are different types of love and some of those don't necessitate understanding. My son doesn't need to understand me to love me and neither do my parents. And vice versa. Understanding there deepens appreciation and improves quality though but it's not the basis. I think it only matters when it comes to one's partner or spouse. Or people we choose to love. If you love someone romantically you should understand them and be understood by them. Or at least you should seek to understand and to be understood by them. Otherwise how can you really love them/be loved that way? It's not mutually exclusive. It's a package deal. That sort of love won't last without those involved understanding one another. And maybe not complete understanding because I think it can be a lifelong thing. But at least willing to seek to understand and be understood.
 
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acd said:
Sometimes I question why some questions need to be asked. There are different types of love and some of those don't necessitate understanding. My son doesn't need to understand me to love me and neither do my parents. And vice versa. Understanding there deepens appreciation and improves quality though but it's not the basis. I think it only matters when it comes to one's partner or spouse. Or people we choose to love. If you love someone romantically you should understand them and be understood by them. Or at least you should seek to understand and to be understood by them. Otherwise how can you really love them/be loved that way? It's not mutually exclusive. It's a package deal. That sort of love won't last without those involved understanding one another. And maybe not complete understanding because I think it can be a lifelong thing. But at least willing to seek to understand and be understood.
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I agree with you, but love and understanding are still different. I can't assume that I completely understand my girlfriend, in the same way that she can't assume she completely understands me. Of course there needs to be willingness to understand and realistically, a deep level of actual understanding to make the love meaningful. But this doesn't mean that we understand each other completely, and perhaps that's just as it should be.

I think the OP question would make no sense if it asked: "Would you rather be understood or be loved?" because as you said, the two notions are deeply interconnected and one cannot really go without the other. But if the question is: "Which one do you value higher?" then I think it does make sense because I can reasonably answer: "I would rather be loved deeply even if not completely understood, than completely understood and loved a little bit less." This presupposes that it's possible to love someone without completely understanding them, but I think that's a fair premise.* Like I said, perhaps being completely understood is not a very attractive idea at all because it would suggest we do not have access to our own intimate private space anymore.

*The OP question basically doesn't imply we can't value both love and understanding very highly.
 
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