[INFJ] Do you value being loved or being understood higher?

Ren said:
I agree with you, but love and understanding are still different. I can't assume that I completely understand my girlfriend, in the same way that she can't assume she completely understands me. Of course there needs to be willingness to understand and realistically, a deep level of actual understanding to make the love meaningful. But this doesn't mean that we understand each other completely, and perhaps that's just as it should be.

I think the OP question would make no sense if it asked: "Would you rather be understood or be loved?" because as you said, the two notions are deeply interconnected and one cannot really go without the other. But if the question is: "Which one do you value higher?" then I think it does make sense because I can reasonably answer: "I would rather be loved deeply even if not completely understood, than completely understood and loved a little bit less." This presupposes that it's possible to love someone without completely understanding them, but I think that's a fair premise.* Like I said, perhaps being completely understood is not a very attractive idea at all because it would suggest we do not have access to our own intimate private space anymore.

*The OP question basically doesn't imply we can't value both love and understanding very highly.
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There's a lot to go into with this question, I think. First, what is love?

I still don't see the two as being separate in a romantic partnership though I see what you mean. I think understanding is important for deepening bonds and strengthening relationships. I think for a healthy and fulfilling relationship you need both. As I said, it can take years to get to a clear understanding but so long as people are interested and put in the effort to learn and grow together and understand one another it just deepens and sustains the bond.

In my mind, it's difficult to separate the two in a romantic partnership. I can't say either/or and I question why anyone would need to anyway. They are both equally important to me. But I also don't expect that people can completely understand one another. We are individuals who do experience things in different ways that can't always be explained.
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acd said:
There's a lot to go into with this question, I think. First, what is love?
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I have come to strongly believe that this question cannot be answered in any satisfactory way.

acd said:
I still don't see the two as being separate in a romantic partnership though I see what you mean. I think understanding is important for deepening bonds and strengthening relationships. I think for a healthy and fulfilling relationship you need both. As I said, it can take years to get to a clear understanding but so long as people are interested and put in the effort to learn and grow together and understand one another it just deepens and sustains the bond.

In my mind, it's difficult to separate the two in a romantic partnership. I can't say either/or and I question why anyone would need to anyway. They are both equally important to me. But I also don't expect that people can completely understand one another. We are individuals who do experience things in different ways that can't always be explained.
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There is nothing in here that I don't agree with. Honestly, I think we agree but are just looking at the issue from slightly different perspectives.

You can understand someone without loving them, but you can't love someone without understanding them. Maybe we could say that love is to be valued higher because it goes beyond understanding, or we could say that both are to be valued equally because it is not clear how one can be loved without being (at least largely) understood. So even though I don't think the question is meaningless, I think it is somewhat trivial because a healthy individual likely won't spend much time pondering which one they value more. They will just pursue both equally.
 
By other people? Loved over understanding because I'm the only person who will ever fully understand myself. Looking to others for that is faulty. Love, I also give that to myself. So I'm not seeking either from others.

I would argue what I seek from others is acceptance.
 
Ren said:
Really? Can't there be understanding without love?

I might love many more people than I thought then :p
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Or understand fewer than you think
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Would you rather have a main battle tank or an attack helicopter?

Well, an attack helicopter, I guess, but having either is a kind of foolish pipe dream.
 
Ren said:
Really? Can't there be understanding without love?

I might love many more people than I thought then :p
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With Love i mean something more deep. I find that the word Love is stigmatized from the society, for me has a total different meaning. The greek language separates Love-αγαπη from Eros-Ερως
is the unconditional love and the love i have for the things that you give me
 
Themis said:
With Love i mean something more deep. I find that the word Love is stigmatized from the society, for me has a total different meaning. The greek language separates Love-αγαπη from Eros-Ερως
is the unconditional love and the love i have for the things that you give me
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Sure, but this doesn't change the fact that you can have understanding without love.

I agree with you that love can have many meanings, though.
 
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