Ex not blocking my number

My two cents is this:

Things are only as complicated as we make them. If you're trying to move on from someone, talking about your relationship together like some twenty-seven year old epic is not the way to do it. Sure, it's the truth, you lived it, it is a long story with lots of ups and downs, but the understanding here is that it has come to an end. The goal here is to move on. You have to keep that goal in mind and therefore isolate for the reasons why it didn't work out. Or, if you're starting to obsess about that, it's best to maybe not think of this person at all. As soon as they creep into your mind, refocus on something or someone else.

I'm not saying deny that you're feeling hurt. Take some time to talk about it, purge the sadness, but have a cut off date where, after you said everything, cried your tears, punched your pillows or whatever you do to get the feels out of the way, you simply quit her cold turkey. Don't stalk her facebook, read old messages, look at old photos, go to your favourite spots together and listen to your songs to reminisce. And for god sake, don't check to see if the person has unblocked you. Don't romanticize your exes. It doesn't work to get over them.
 
sassafras said:
My two cents is this:

Things are only as complicated as we make them. If you're trying to move on from someone, talking about your relationship together like some twenty-seven year old epic is not the way to do it. Sure, it's the truth, you lived it, it is a long story with lots of ups and downs, but the understanding here is that it has come to an end. The goal here is to move on. You have to keep that goal in mind and therefore isolate for the reasons why it didn't work out. Or, if you're starting to obsess about that, it's best to maybe not think of this person at all. As soon as they creep into your mind, refocus on something or someone else.

I'm not saying deny that you're feeling hurt. Take some time to talk about it, purge the sadness, but have a cut off date where, after you said everything, cried your tears, punched your pillows or whatever you do to get the feels out of the way, you simply quit her cold turkey. Don't stalk her facebook, read old messages, look at old photos, go to your favourite spots together and listen to your songs to reminisce. And for god sake, don't check to see if the person has unblocked you. Don't romanticize your exes. It doesn't work to get over them.
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I’m trying! She has me blocked on FB, despite her settings being friends only. I don’t look at her pictures anymore. Though they are archived. I don’t go back through our messages.
There’s little to do to keep my mind occupied throughout the day. Work is slow and I only spend maybe 6 hours a week working.
I’m back to my martial art in the evenings 4 days a week. Made friends with a new member: We started lifting weights again. I’m sober.

Like I said. I was feeling fine until yesterday when all this went down. It’s worse now thinking just not too long ago there was an actual chance. We always made up and worked through our bullshit with that one issue. The difference is, no one but me and her knew about breaking up before: Now the heartache is started all over again coupled with regret of ever moving in with this dude/

I think putting it on a public forum is probably not a good idea. I don’t even know if she’s a member here or not. Though; it is helping me work through all this.
 
Skrimpshidy said:
I’m trying! She has me blocked on FB, despite her settings being friends only. I don’t look at her pictures anymore. Though they are archived. I don’t go back through our messages.
There’s little to do to keep my mind occupied throughout the day. Work is slow and I only spend maybe 6 hours a week working.
I’m back to my martial art in the evenings 4 days a week. Made friends with a new member: We started lifting weights again. I’m sober.

Like I said. I was feeling fine until yesterday when all this went down. It’s worse now thinking just not too long ago there was an actual chance. We always made up and worked through our bullshit with that one issue. The difference is, no one but me and her knew about breaking up before: Now the heartache is started all over again coupled with regret of ever moving in with this dude/

I think putting it on a public forum is probably not a good idea. I don’t even know if she’s a member here or not. Though; it is helping me work through all this.
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It's a slow process, and I respect that; but just be mindful of how often you put the relationship on a pedestal and try to start not doing that anymore so you can start easing in the opposite direction.
 
Heartbreak is painful. It is fueled by cortisol, which is released during stress. Look for ways to destress. Look for ways to take your mind off her.

Break-ups are a popular theme on this forum. INFJs are cautious about opening up to people and becoming attached. Once we do fall in love, we fall hard and we are deeply invested in that person. Part of this process is envisioning a future with the person we're with. (We won't stay with anyone we can't envision this future with.) That's why break-ups are so difficult for us. TBH, INFJs are a bit scary after break-ups because we do have a tendency to fall off the deep end when a relationship we're so invested in and envisioned a future for doesn't work out as planned. We're not the people who walk away from the explosion looking cool and unbothered.

Envision a positive future for yourself without her. Honestly, why would you even want her in your future anymore after all of this?


Oops. I was writing as you both decided to end the thread.
 
Skrimpshidy said:
I was kind of thinking that same thing. In himdsight I wish I never started this thread in the first damn place.
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What, really?

That sounds silly to me, considering the emotional processing that you've done because of it.

I don't see where the place of 'guilt' here is? You loved and lost a woman, then pined after her - seems pretty natural and normal to me. If you didn't freak out at least a little bit, then I might question your ability to form proper oxytocin bonds.
 
Deleted member 16771 said:
What, really?

That sounds silly to me, considering the emotional processing that you've done because of it.

I don't see where the place of 'guilt' here is? You loved and lost a woman, then pined after her - seems pretty natural and normal to me. If you didn't freak out at least a little bit, then I might question your ability to form proper oxytocin bonds.
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Good point! I guess there’s no reason to feel guilty about it. It has helped put some things into perspective.
You’re right. At the very least it does show I have he capacity to love someone.
 
Asa said:
Heartbreak is painful. It is fueled by cortisol, which is released during stress. Look for ways to destress. Look for ways to take your mind off her.

Break-ups are a popular theme on this forum. INFJs are cautious about opening up to people and becoming attached. Once we do fall in love, we fall hard and we are deeply invested in that person. Part of this process is envisioning a future with the person we're with. (We won't stay with anyone we can't envision this future with.) That's why break-ups are so difficult for us. TBH, INFJs are a bit scary after break-ups because we do have a tendency to fall off the deep end when a relationship we're so invested in and envisioned a future for doesn't work out as planned. We're not the people who walk away from the explosion looking cool and unbothered.

Envision a positive future for yourself without her. Honestly, why would you even want her in your future anymore after all of this?


Oops. I was writing as you both decided to end the thread.
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You’re right! I’ve cared and loved before. This was the first time to ever actually fall in love with someone.
Though I did fuck up pretty bad. This is a new experience for me. There aren’t any tools developed for me to know how to cope with this.

Since we’re both INFJ, I know how deeply she felt too. Which is partly why I hope for something in the future. Though, I am aware of our door slams and how we can just turn off our deeper emotions for someone. For me it takes several years if it’s someone I care about. Even then, most the time I just take a break for a while to process and give them an idea what life is like without me around. But it’s always with explanation of their actions.

I’m venting on this subject for sure. The main goal and focus is to move on. Though, there will always be that hope somewhere for the future. I’m in the process of letting go, yet still holding space if that makes sense.

I do believe once you love someone you always will. There’s always a hope, realistic or not. Obviously living life for that hope isn’t the best idea. Letting go completely isn’t a good idea either. Moving forward is the best course of action either way.
 
Asa said:
Heartbreak is painful. It is fueled by cortisol, which is released during stress. Look for ways to destress. Look for ways to take your mind off her.

Break-ups are a popular theme on this forum. INFJs are cautious about opening up to people and becoming attached. Once we do fall in love, we fall hard and we are deeply invested in that person. Part of this process is envisioning a future with the person we're with. (We won't stay with anyone we can't envision this future with.) That's why break-ups are so difficult for us. TBH, INFJs are a bit scary after break-ups because we do have a tendency to fall off the deep end when a relationship we're so invested in and envisioned a future for doesn't work out as planned. We're not the people who walk away from the explosion looking cool and unbothered.

Envision a positive future for yourself without her. Honestly, why would you even want her in your future anymore after all of this?

Oops. I was writing as you both decided to end the thread.
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Yea, your exactly right. I couldn't have come up with a better way to say it.
 
I’m sorry about being late to this conversation but this has given me time to read all the post in the last few days.

I know how you feel. That you just want to give love and be loved and that this is the real purpose in life. And when you don’t have this, it hurts badly. It can hurt so bad that you’re physically ill and that you feel you’ve lost your purpose in life. And that even when the sadness passes and your going about the regular life, it still feels like you have a hole in your gut, that something is horribly wrong because your not giving love and being loved. I know how you feel because I’m the same way with relationships -- when I’m functioning as an ISFJ. The only thing I’ve found to move pass the sorrow is time. The more the sorrow the longer it takes. If someone here has a magic pill to move pass the sadness, I want to know about it and take it myself from time to time.


@ruji don’t be an ass. I know you have your NT helmet on all the time but your not helping the situation. It has the appearance of “kicking a guy when he’s down’. I know that’s not your intent but that’s what it feels and looks like.


I have some insight to your problem of not being able to move. I think this will help you understand. The following statement really jumped out at me as well as reading the last 30 posts together as a block.

Skrimpshidy said:
Fantasy or not. I have to believe what I believe until I don’t anymore. I am the type of person who doesn’t give up until all efforts are exhausted. Maybe it’s not healthy, though that’s who I am.
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I’ll just state the issue in a nutshell -- you have a weak J function. For myself, I have a very strong judging function with a capital J. ALL my relationships have ended completely different from yours. All my relationships have ended in us being fairly good friends. My love for them has gone but I still like them as friends. I’m happy for them when they have moved on and found someone else. They deserve it. I even had an old girl friend strongly consider asking me to her wedding to another guy. But we both decided it would be bad karma to have an ex boy friend to her wedding. :)

My whole point in stating all that is this is created by my strong judging function. Like a judge I collect all the facts, weigh them, quickly make a decision and move on to the next thing. I don’t look back at what might have been. When I’ve made a decision that a relationship isn’t going to work out then that’s it. There is nothing they can do to make me go back and return to it. And I know I can make a decision too quickly so with important decisions I will put it off. The more important the decision. The longer I put it off. I stay in “collecting facts” mode much longer that normal.

This entire thread has been dealing with how to turn your small j into a big J. I think some of the posts here have provided good advice. But there must be some books or information on the Internet somewhere that directly addresses improving your judging function. If you could turn your j to a bigger J, I think this could help you out a lot.
 
Freaky Chameleon said:
I’m sorry about being late to this conversation but this has given me time to read all the post in the last few days.

I know how you feel. That you just want to give love and be loved and that this is the real purpose in life. And when you don’t have this, it hurts badly. It can hurt so bad that you’re physically ill and that you feel you’ve lost your purpose in life. And that even when the sadness passes and your going about the regular life, it still feels like you have a hole in your gut, that something is horribly wrong because your not giving love and being loved. I know how you feel because I’m the same way with relationships -- when I’m functioning as an ISFJ. The only thing I’ve found to move pass the sorrow is time. The more the sorrow the longer it takes. If someone here has a magic pill to move pass the sadness, I want to know about it and take it myself from time to time.


@ruji don’t be an ass. I know you have your NT helmet on all the time but your not helping the situation. It has the appearance of “kicking a guy when he’s down’. I know that’s not your intent but that’s what it feels and looks like.


I have some insight to your problem of not being able to move. I think this will help you understand. The following statement really jumped out at me as well as reading the last 30 posts together as a block.




I’ll just state the issue in a nutshell -- you have a weak J function. For myself, I have a very strong judging function with a capital J. ALL my relationships have ended completely different from yours. All my relationships have ended in us being fairly good friends. My love for them has gone but I still like them as friends. I’m happy for them when they have moved on and found someone else. They deserve it. I even had an old girl friend strongly consider asking me to her wedding to another guy. But we both decided it would be bad karma to have an ex boy friend to her wedding. :)

My whole point in stating all that is this is created by my strong judging function. Like a judge I collect all the facts, weigh them, quickly make a decision and move on to the next thing. I don’t look back at what might have been. When I’ve made a decision that a relationship isn’t going to work out then that’s it. There is nothing they can do to make me go back and return to it. And I know I can make a decision too quickly so with important decisions I will put it off. The more important the decision. The longer I put it off. I stay in “collecting facts” mode much longer that normal.

This entire thread has been dealing with how to turn your small j into a big J. I think some of the posts here have provided good advice. But there must be some books or information on the Internet somewhere that directly addresses improving your judging function. If you could turn your j to a bigger J, I think this could help you out a lot.
Click to expand...


You’re right. Normally that’s the case. The J function was always pretty good before. All relationships, romanic or not were dealt with in that way. This is just something knew.

I am learning a little more about myself through this. Obviously being inexperienced, and not remotely prepared for actually falling in love, becoming vulnerable and exposing my soft white underbelly. Kinda threw me for a loop. No pun intended......(I’ll own it though lol)
 
Skrimpshidy said:
You’re right. Normally that’s the case. The J function was always pretty good before. All relationships, romanic or not were dealt with in that way. This is just something knew.

I am learning a little more about myself through this. Obviously being inexperienced, and not remotely prepared for actually falling in love, becoming vulnerable and exposing my soft white underbelly. Kinda threw me for a loop. No pun intended......(I’ll own it though lol)
Click to expand...

I had one like that too once. It just took a very very long time to get over. A year or more. I think time is the only healer. Damn I wish there was a pill for that.
 
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