Ex not blocking my number

Sloe Djinn said:
Totally agree. I was scratching my head that his ex was quickly labeled as some bitch who is playing games.
Click to expand...
In my defense, he wasn't getting the message :neutral:

It's time for some self-respect, OP. @Lady Jolanda is right; even if on the small chance you get back together, there would be no equality in the subsequent relationship, and nobody deserves to be the more invested one.
 
Freaky Chameleon said:
I've been reading a lot of threads here. And enter mixed sometimes I'll read that they felt like door slamming but didn't go there. And then they try to talk to the other person to work it out. YIKS! DANGER. DANGER. Emotions can heat up and then a verbal dagger can slip. Emotions can also cause confusion in your message. The key is to keep the emotions down. How? Write a letter. I mean nothing electronic -- no email, no messaging. Actual pin to paper. Younger people have probably never ever done this. It feels so different. It slows you thoughts down. It clarifies what you want to say without emotions screwing up your message. An actual letter has so much more personal impact. 10 times more than email. It shows that you really care about the person and the relationship. And written language just comes naturally to INFJs and NFs in general. It's a perfect fit! So after writing the letter just leave it where the person will find it on there own. This is a very none confrontational way to deliver your message. Of course mail it if you don't have a lot of personal contact with the other person. After they have read your letter, you have to wait. You need to wait so they have time to digest what you said and what it all means to them. This could take a day or more. After all that now you can talk to them. Emotions are much more subdued and you both have a basis of understanding to begin the conversation.

And where did I learn all this. From my mother. But she used to let the daggers fly first then sometime later she would write a letter -- maybe. Bad way of handling it.

So anyway thanks for giving me a head start on my thoughts for the thread. :)
Click to expand...
:) No problem! Btw I love to write. Especially on paper. My hands get cramped but you're right, it does slow things down and organizes things in your head a bit. Then come the aha moments, epiphanies, and revelations that were buried so deep in the tangles of incoherent and confused thoughts... at least for me! :)

Good luck new friend!
 
A Guy said:
Because she's being selfish and confused if she really didn't care she would just ignore you (silence speaks loudly). The question is do you want this again because it will happen. My solution, rip the band-aid and get on with your life. It will take time for the chemicals in your brain to deplete, kinda like a cocaine addiction. When you think of her talk to other woman find a new one she's not exclusive (rebound with some hussy). Say this to her "Get on with your life I ain't letting you hold me up" followed by a middle finger. Regain a power position kick the dirt from your feet. -- Don't let people hold you back.
Click to expand...
Rebound with some hussy? Aren't you a little worried what that statement makes you look like? Lol
 
April said:
I'm sorry about your experience. :( If there are that many problems in the relationship then it's best to just find someone who will be more compatible with you. :) There is a reason that you broke up twice, and that reason isn't going to just go away. Know what I suggest? Stick around here. There are so many loving and understanding people to connect with. Who knows, maybe you can find someone. <3

Us INFJs are confusing, especially when we don't know what we want. We can unintentionally lead people on, not wanting to lose that connection just in case we decide later on that we want you back. Although in our mind we don't consciously know this, it's more like we are just unsure and don't know what to do. But that still isn't fair to you. Don't put up with it. If she chooses to ignore you, then let it go, don't read into it. There are ladies out there that need someone like you and you are chasing someone who isn't giving you the time of day. You deserve better. :)

Welcome, and good luck. Learn from this. :)
Click to expand...

I didn’t want to get into details about why we broke up. It probably should’ve been included thinking about it.
The deal is everything was fine with us. There were some life events and a sort of logistics problem due to certain things. Basically we didn’t spend enough time together for my tastes and we couldn’t/wouldn’t figure it all out. That was the problem originally. We didn’t artue or fight about anything really. It was a lovely relationship. What happened both breakups is me winding up drinking too much and getting shitty about not spending time together. This was all through text. She didn’t know I was drunk because I was too ashamed to admit it. She got tired of that pattern and dumped me. It got pretty ugly. It was all through text. She didn’t find out I was drinking until after the breakup.

She knew I had alcohol problems years ago. But I was 97% sober for 12 years. It came back up again. She talked to my momma and said “I love him dearly. Just can’t deal with him while he’s on alcohol.”. My mom talked to her a few times. She won’t tell me what she says. Just that she’s crazy about me. Which feels a little unfair.

So, I busted my ass and quit drinking over this past couple months. I won’t even take Nyquil because of the alcohol content.

This is why I’m holding some sort of hope.
 
Skrimpshidy said:
I didn’t want to get into details about why we broke up. It probably should’ve been included thinking about it.
The deal is everything was fine with us. There were some life events and a sort of logistics problem due to certain things. Basically we didn’t spend enough time together for my tastes and we couldn’t/wouldn’t figure it all out. That was the problem originally. We didn’t artue or fight about anything really. It was a lovely relationship. What happened both breakups is me winding up drinking too much and getting shitty about not spending time together. This was all through text. She didn’t know I was drunk because I was too ashamed to admit it. She got tired of that pattern and dumped me. It got pretty ugly. It was all through text. She didn’t find out I was drinking until after the breakup.

She knew I had alcohol problems years ago. But I was 97% sober for 12 years. It came back up again. She talked to my momma and said “I love him dearly. Just can’t deal with him while he’s on alcohol.”. My mom talked to her a few times. She won’t tell me what she says. Just that she’s crazy about me. Which feels a little unfair.

So, I busted my ass and quit drinking over this past couple months. I won’t even take Nyquil because of the alcohol content.

This is why I’m holding some sort of hope.
Click to expand...
Ahh... that complicates things, but only a little.

Same advice still stands, and if she still wants you she'll come back.

There's really very little analysis that needs to be done here. Your personal self-respect demands which course of action is taken; there's nothing else you can do.
 
Deleted member 16771 said:
Ahh... that complicates things, but only a little.

Same advice still stands, and if she still wants you she'll come back.

There's really very little analysis that needs to be done here. Your personal self-respect demands which course of action is taken; there's nothing else you can do.
Click to expand...

Agreed! Right now I am just living my life. Getting back into all the things which bring me joy and make me who I am. There’s some other expansions.
As far as texting. I’m done with it. Though I was doing one of those write a letter and never send it exercises to give myself some closure to get it off my chest. Except I did it on imessage. The damn “send money” thing kept popping up due to me being Mr.Bumble Thumbs McGee. It was never meant to be sent. Just an imagination exercise as if I was speaking directly to her. Well, when I tried to tap the text bubble I accidentally hit send. That’s when I noticed it was delivered. It just raised some questions.

I do appreciate everyone’s advice and I’m in agreeance here too.
 
Skrimpshidy said:
I didn’t want to get into details about why we broke up. It probably should’ve been included thinking about it.
The deal is everything was fine with us. There were some life events and a sort of logistics problem due to certain things. Basically we didn’t spend enough time together for my tastes and we couldn’t/wouldn’t figure it all out. That was the problem originally. We didn’t artue or fight about anything really. It was a lovely relationship. What happened both breakups is me winding up drinking too much and getting shitty about not spending time together. This was all through text. She didn’t know I was drunk because I was too ashamed to admit it. She got tired of that pattern and dumped me. It got pretty ugly. It was all through text. She didn’t find out I was drinking until after the breakup.

She knew I had alcohol problems years ago. But I was 97% sober for 12 years. It came back up again. She talked to my momma and said “I love him dearly. Just can’t deal with him while he’s on alcohol.”. My mom talked to her a few times. She won’t tell me what she says. Just that she’s crazy about me. Which feels a little unfair.

So, I busted my ass and quit drinking over this past couple months. I won’t even take Nyquil because of the alcohol content.

This is why I’m holding some sort of hope.
Click to expand...
You're very brave to admit this. I respect you for it. If she truly cares, she'll come around, and once you've had more sobriety under your belt, you may be more able to handle that in whatever you decide. No judgments here and I still wish you all the best, especially now! <3
 
Lady Jolanda said:
I'm going to try to approach this with the diplomatic prowess of your average INFJ. :smirk:

You two already broke up once 4 months ago. She ignored you for 2 weeks. Then you got back together the month after. Then 2 and a half months later she breaks up with you again. Now you've been trying to get her back for 3 weeks.

There is no stability or security to your relationship.

Even if you were to get back together now, what's stopping her from leaving you again 2 to 3 months down the line? Nothing. You will experience constant anxiety when you get back together. There will be a massive power imbalance. Cause your gut knows she doesn't value you as much as you value her, and that she isn't as committed as you are. And being with someone who doesn't value you enough kills your self-esteem and self-confidence. That's why you accept this bad treatment in the first place.

Look, I understand you want her back. Your attachment system must be going crazy. The urge to hear from her, to talk to her, must be overwhelming. Your ex is like a drug right now, and you're craving your next hit. And that's okay! That's normal. We evolved that way. So just like drug addicts, you have to quit cold turkey. Block her phone number, block her facebook, and any other means you've used to communicate with her. The first few days you'll be okay. Then after a week or so, you'll feel the urge to text her again. Don't. Write in this thread instead. Write about how much you miss her, about how miserable you are. Then call a friend, go to the movies, drink a beer, whatever you enjoy. And whenever you get the urge to write your ex, you instead write here.
You will see that you can do it, and you'll feel proud of yourself for not giving in.

I would also suggest reading up on attachment styles, if you haven't already. It may help you make sense of what's going on inside of you.

Good luck.
Click to expand...

The breakup reason was responded on another comment.

You’re right too. As far as attachment styles. She seems to be avoidant and introverted to an almost extreme end of the spectrum and seems avoidant considering how she completely shuts down under stress or high emotions. Where it takes me a couple days of solitude to refharge and map things out, it takes her weeks to process sometimes.

Normally I’m secure attachment style. As a matter of fact. I haven’t let myself get overly attached ever before. Normally it’s a take it or leave it approach. Don’t open my heart or mind up much. Just give pieces here or there. Depending on how they treat those pieces determines if I let more out or close off.

Apparently with her, I opened the flood gates and exposed every part of me with complete trust and without fear. She treated each part with love and understanding while matching the same with me.
Oddly enough, I became attached which was actually fearful for me. Didn’t know what to do with it.

Due to life situations we couldn’t/wouldn’t figure out how to spend more time together. I began over analyzing INFJ types to the point I felt like she was slowly pushing me away. I began being afraid she was in the process of a long slow door slam. Which wasn’t the case. But I would drink occasionally. Drunk ideas stick around long after you sober up. Knowingly or not.

I actually started having an anxious attachment style. It really did bring up childhood issues. I know what they are and have the coping skills to know what is being triggered and why. That it’s not exactly the thing the person is doing intentionally to make me feel that way. Just deep core wounds. Alcohol clouds the coping skills even in moderation. So if I drank, it caused me not to be able to use those coping skills.
That’s where I would drop the ball and cause arguments. Which there weren’t many. Bit as my drinking increased the lack of healthy communication on my part would also imcrease.
 
Skrimpshidy said:
The breakup reason was responded on another comment.

You’re right too. As far as attachment styles. She seems to be avoidant and introverted to an almost extreme end of the spectrum and seems avoidant considering how she completely shuts down under stress or high emotions. Where it takes me a couple days of solitude to refharge and map things out, it takes her weeks to process sometimes.

Normally I’m secure attachment style. As a matter of fact. I haven’t let myself get overly attached ever before. Normally it’s a take it or leave it approach. Don’t open my heart or mind up much. Just give pieces here or there. Depending on how they treat those pieces determines if I let more out or close off.

Apparently with her, I opened the flood gates and exposed every part of me with complete trust and without fear. She treated each part with love and understanding while matching the same with me.
Oddly enough, I became attached which was actually fearful for me. Didn’t know what to do with it.

Due to life situations we couldn’t/wouldn’t figure out how to spend more time together. I began over analyzing INFJ types to the point I felt like she was slowly pushing me away. I began being afraid she was in the process of a long slow door slam. Which wasn’t the case. But I would drink occasionally. Drunk ideas stick around long after you sober up. Knowingly or not.

I actually started having an anxious attachment style. It really did bring up childhood issues. I know what they are and have the coping skills to know what is being triggered and why. That it’s not exactly the thing the person is doing intentionally to make me feel that way. Just deep core wounds. Alcohol clouds the coping skills even in moderation. So if I drank, it caused me not to be able to use those coping skills.
That’s where I would drop the ball and cause arguments. Which there weren’t many. Bit as my drinking increased the lack of healthy communication on my part would also imcrease.
Click to expand...
This is pretty sad. :unhappy:
 
I'm so sorry to hear about your struggles, alcohol is a tough demon to beat, but I'm glad you're on the right track.

Unfortunately, it doesn't change the circumstances here or the nature of my advice. She still needs to decide herself what she wants to do and you have to let her to do that. If you're still sending her messages, if she's still aware you're holding on, it might be conversely pushing her away. It's not uncommon for people with substance abuse problems to clean up their act just to get back with their significant others and then backslide, so its understandable that she may be careful. You may also have to accept, that for some people, no matter how much they love a person, alcohol is just a plain deal breaker.

But you won't know that for sure and hanging onto the hope that you can get her back is only going to make you more miserable... especially if, despite your best efforts, she doesn't come back around.

You need to let her go and continue to work on yourself and continue to lead a healthier lifestyle for your own sake. It seems like you're on that path already. I would encourage you to take the time you spend trying to figure out where her head is at and go out to pursue different hobbies and seek out positive people. At a time like this, you need to focus on you and what's best for your emotional state. Obsessing over this... isn't it.
 
Last edited:
sassafras said:
I'm so sorry to hear about your struggles, alcohol is a tough demon to beat, but I'm glad you're on the right track.

Unfortunately, it doesn't change the circumstances here or the nature of my advice. She still needs to decide what herself what she wants to do and you have to let her to do that. If you're still sending her messages, if she's still aware you're holding on, it might be conversely pushing her away. It's not uncommon for people with substance abuse problems to clean up their act just to get back with their significant others and then backslide, so its understandable that she may be careful. You may also have to accept, that for some people, alcohol is just a plain deal breaker.

But you won't know that for sure and hanging onto the hope that you can get her back is only going to make you more miserable if, despite your best efforts, she doesn't come back around.

You need to let her go and continue to work on yourself and continue to lead a healthier lifestyle for your own sake. It seems like you're on that path already. I would encourage you to take the time you spend trying to figure out where her head is at and go out to pursue different hobbies and seek out positive people. At a time like this, you need to focus on you and what's best for your emotional state. Obsessing over this... isn't it.
Click to expand...

True!

I’m not drinking for several reasons. Mostly for me and my kids. I started back up thinking after all this time it can be controlled. It can’t once it’s started. After all this, there can be no illusions of how fun or relaxing alcohol is. So in many ways I’m glad this all happened. Her not tolerating it only makes me love and respect her more.
Regardless if we do get back (which I don’t want her back at this time. Just maybe down the line after I’ve worked on myself more.)
This does serve as a catalyst of reminder why I will never drink again.

As for now. I am moving on with life and becoming more proactive in areas that have been neglected. I’m back in Judo after 2 years away. Finally going to send off for my black belt certificate that has been put off since I earned it 5 years ago. Back into the hobbies I neglected. Taking care of myself instead of letting myself go like I did the past 2 months.

All in all you’re right. I’m waiting but not waiting. The only possible thing is to regain myself and my life.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top