Matt3737
Similes are like songs in love.
- MBTI
- INFJ
How many relationships have you been in, princess? You know people only have so much time in the world that needs to be prioritized. How they prioritize their time says a great deal about them.
New Girlfriend is Friends with her Ex?!
- Thread starter RunDeep
- Start date
How many relationships have you been in, princess? You know people only have so much time in the world that needs to be prioritized. How they prioritize their time says a great deal about them.
- MBTI
- None
What are you talking about? This thread isn't about prioritizing time it's about dictating who your romantic partner can and can't be friends with, which is controlling as hell
Matt3737
Similes are like songs in love.
- MBTI
- INFJ
No, it's not. It's about a relationship. It's give and take and it's about shared priorities. He doesn't dictate the relationship anymore than she does.
- MBTI
- None
I just legitimately do not understand why this fellow is dating someone who he thinks is going to cheat on him with her ex.
Why?
Break up with her if you think she's such a hoe.
Otherwise...calm you ass down.
Matt3737
Similes are like songs in love.
- MBTI
- INFJ
You're just projecting that insecurity onto him. That isn't the issue at hand and the more you insist that it is, the more you're just making a ridiculous straw-man argument. A person in a relationship with someone should understand that spending time with an ex-lover is continuing a past relationship (despite the change in physical intimacy) and is not properly committed to the current. It's not about dictating friendships or paranoia regarding infidelity. It is a reminder to everyone of past physical intimacy. It's nostalgia surrounding a past relationship that interferes and detracts from the current one to which they are not truly committing to.
It may as well be a photo of the two of them hung up on their wall. It is holding on to that past relationship and not moving forward into the new one.
ZcM4xzkjgzCjytBc
Well-known member
- MBTI
- .
Seldom do people plan on cheating, but what ends up happening is an entirely different story. Emotions take over.
- MBTI
- None
I don't relate because I do not feel that way. I'm not sure what makes someone feel that way. The insecurity is the only thing I can fathom. Sometimes mutual breakups happen and you dated someone and now you're friends, the love is not there anymore. They moved on, so did you. You're FRIENDS. Platonic FRIENDS. Here is what I don't understand is why there are some people who find that impossible---do you get what I am saying? If anyone ever tried to tell me who I can and can't be friends with I would instantly break up with them. I don't care how in love we are the moment you start dictating my friendships-- you don't trust me? Good, you gone! So from my perspective, it just makes no logical sense. It is an emotional knee jerk reaction not rooted in logic.
Because here is my hypothetical situation:
You have an ex. You no longer love them, they no longer love you, you are FRIENDS. You never have sex again. You never share physical intimacy again. Why is this something that should bother me, if I am dating the person who is friends with an ex? I know they love me, not this other person. I'm glad they are mature enough to be friends with their ex-lovers. To me it is a sign of maturity. I am not concerned about them being friends and am actually really proud of them. It does not bother me that they had sex in the past because guess what I've had sex with other people too lol. I mean maybe if their 'ex' was their brother or something, that would bother me, but it would bother me because of incest not because they used to bone.
What am I missing here? What is the missing link? Why do I fail to be jealous but ya'll are thirsty as fuck after your girlfriends?
- MBTI
- None
Not for me, lol.
If I broke up with someone, believe me, it is DONE. If we continue to be friends then it means it was a mutual breakup. Maybe we both just weren't that into each other and realized that, hence the breakup. We made better friends. Believe me, I am not going to go have sex with an ex of mine or have any feelings for them. If I did? You bet your ass I would break up with YOU before I did that....because I am no liar, I am not a wimp, being straighforward and honest is incredibly important to me and if I was not over my ex...I wouldn't be dating YOU in the first place! To me it feels like you are calling your girlfriend a liar, acting like she has poor judgement. She doesn't. She knows what she is doing. Just because you would go and have sex with your ex doesn't mean she would....I'm totally in control of my body and feelings, why are we assuming your girlfriend is some helpless horny 13 year old boy that will just end up forking her ex because omg the feelz???
ZcM4xzkjgzCjytBc
Well-known member
- MBTI
- .
Maybe, but I'm more inclined to believe that you're advertising an idealized version of yourself. Perhaps based on some scrub you never really liked that much to begin with.
The tone so far in your posts: "I'm better than you".
RunDeep
Regular Poster
- MBTI
- INFP
THIS is exactly how I feel. I am not worried she is going to cheat. I trust her. It's holding onto this relationship which I find concerning and not being able to move on.
I feel like her ex is a ghost of the past still desperately trying to cling onto the relationship. He can't let go. He still tells her that loves her, although apparently it's a "brotherly" love. I know Emily doesn't love him anymore and she's made that pretty clear, but her ex seems to have a hard time letting go. His behavior on social media comes across as clingy. He tags her in things constantly and puts heart emojis in them. Does this sound appropriate to you?
- MBTI
- None
No. It isn't idealization...it's called having integrity and being an honest, decent person. You don't cheat on someone. If you feel the need to be with someone else so badly either you
a. get into an open relationship
or
b. break up with that person and then go abouts you sexcapade with this ex you seem so invested in
It's touching a nerve for me because tbh if a partner of mine ever had this conversation with me, I would be insulted, and probably instantly break up with them. Like I said to me what it indicates is a lack of trust in me- that you believe I will cheat with this person. Then my questions becomes, if you believe so much that I am going to cheat, why are you dating me in the first place since you obviously do not trust me? I do not understand the OP's perspective and feel it is manipulative and controlling. He is probably not dating a woman like me. He is probably dating one of the thousands of women who think its okay for their partner to question who they are talking to for some reason?? I thought I would present the opposite perspective, from a female who, if this line of talking was ever brought up, would just raise their eyebrows and be like "Hahah bro...why the fuck am I dating you? You serious rite now? One more second for you to admit this is a prank or we are done for realsies."
- MBTI
- None
It sounds like nunaya business, holmes. Stop trying to be the detective in your life. She clearly knows the fellow better than you do and will put up appropriate boundaries...or do you not trust her reasoning in putting up boundaries? Mmmm? Cuz i don't think you do, and I think you are trying to backseat drive her life.
Matt3737
Similes are like songs in love.
- MBTI
- INFJ
Love is not simply physical intimacy. You love your friends and family, but don't sleep with them. So, when you say that the past relationship is over and each person no longer loves each other, but continue to be friends and spend time with each other then you are either wrong and/or lying. People who no longer love each other do not spend time together. You can be friends and have an amicable break-up and still care for each other, but if they have moved on then they should not be spending time together and should be focused on other people.
You can say you're in a relationship, but if your partner spends all their time with their buddies and doesn't spend time with you, then you have a relationship in name only. They do not actually care for you.
DareToFly
Community Member
- MBTI
- INFJ
- Enneagram
- 4w5
That behavior sounds highly inapropriate to me. I also can't think of any of my friends who would be okay with that... You definitely need to talk to her and tell her that his involvement is distracting from the current relationship. I don't think you're being controlling at all. Your need are important, as are hers. Frankly though, I could never date someone who had a "need" to still have his ex in his life. You really just need to talk to her-- I'm sure she will understand.
- MBTI
- None
Not the case. I detest people who spend all of their time with their significant others and completely ignore their friends. There is a balance, and really, especially if you live with your lover my opinion is you should spend a lot of time outside of the home, outside of your lover, having a life of your own. I do not think that once you are in a relationship that you should completely meld your whole life into each others and become inseparable, creepy carbon copies of each other. Instead- this is a person you love, live with and have sex with. Does not mean you cannot have friends outside of that relationship. I think...we just view intimacy very, very, drastically differently. For example I'm pretty awesome with 1 night stands and I get the feeling you're the type who would detest them. It makes me wonder why people view love and intimacy differently. Surely our views can't both be wrong- they are just right in different ways, right for us. I wonder if it is genetics or something that determines if someone is going to view things your way, or mine.
Matt3737
Similes are like songs in love.
- MBTI
- INFJ
Being in a relationship absolutely makes it his business. Both parties in a relationship are invested in that relationship. It is their business. It isn't any of your business, certainly, but you're entitled to your opinion.
Matt3737
Similes are like songs in love.
- MBTI
- INFJ
Sure, friends are great and so is family. Past relationships though, if they are in fact over and in the past, should be left there.
- MBTI
- None
This isn't 1885 where being married to a woman automatically makes her your property. I'm of the opinion that women and men are both entitled to their own separate lives outside of their partner, are entitled to disagree, and may even have friends that their spouse does not like and has the right to have those friendships maintained. I would never give up my identity for a romantic relationship and I feel this whole "dont talk to your ex its wrong!" view is just one way of attempting to strip someone of their right of choice.
- MBTI
- None
If you want to.
If you wanna be friends, nothin' wrong with that. That's where we are having the disagreement.
Matt3737
Similes are like songs in love.
- MBTI
- INFJ
That not what I said. It is his and her business, as equals. Don't be putting ridiculous statements in my mouth, please.