New Girlfriend is Friends with her Ex?!

slant said:
If you want to.

If you wanna be friends, nothin' wrong with that. That's where we are having the disagreement.
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Then maybe you haven't actually had a committed relationship, have you? You can be okay with non-committal one-night stands, that is fine, but don't pretend to be speaking about committed relationships.
 
Matt3737 said:
Then maybe you haven't actually had a committed relationship, have you? You can be okay with non-committal one-night stands, that is fine, but don't pretend to be speaking about committed relationships.
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Just because the way I conduct my romantic relationships are different than yours does not make them any less legitimate. I guess I am just dumbfounded by the entire premise of this thread. But if that's a serious issue- good, talk to your girl, see what happens. Hope all goes well for ya. It just seems really petty and weird to me.
 
hello. :)

as a woman, and had previous relationships (only two though haha), i do agree with you that keeping ex as your friend is just disrespectful. specially the tagging, commenting with hearts and all that jazz. however, it isnt bad too.

but, if i would be in a new relationship, i would set bounderies towards my ex and would not reply or comment back or being in that corner something that you mentioned because 1. i think its inappropriate seeing i am in a new relationship already 2. if i do get invited, i will ask my current bf how they feel about it because i VALUE their feelings and opinions.

even if the current bf/gf say it's okay for them and that they understand their "friendship" that would become a bigger issue later on if not addressed early. it's not about being insecure. it's valuing your partner's feelings.

p.s
i dont really believe in ex beings friends. it's either they werent really inlove or the other one still has feelings. either way, to me, it would also be an issue. if they cant respect me enough to just brush off my uncomfortable feeling towards their friendship, how would they value my feelings/opinions on other things?

talk to her and tell her how you feel about it. open communication is much better than none and keeping it to yourself. i hope it all works out for the best. *virtual hugs*
 
slant said:
Just because the way I conduct my romantic relationships are different than yours does not make them any less legitimate. I guess I am just dumbfounded by the entire premise of this thread. But if that's a serious issue- good, talk to your girl, see what happens. Hope all goes well for ya. It just seems really petty and weird to me.
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I apologize. I am not demeaning your lifestyle choices or trying to imply one is superior to another. I'm just saying that those particular views are incompatible with the other and I think that is where all this disagreement has arisen from.
 
Matt3737 said:
I apologize. I am not demeaning your lifestyle choices or trying to imply one is superior to another. I'm just saying that those particular views are incompatible with the other and I think that is where all this disagreement has arisen from.
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I just wish that I could understand the difference of opinion- if that makes sense? Like my perspective, where I am coming from, is so totally different. And the reason I came into this thread huffing and puffing like I did is because from *my own* perspective what was being said sounded super ridiculous, mainly because it's not my perspective and I cannot fathom this whole "no ex friendship" rule. I grew up in a family where my parents are divorced but maintain a friendship EVEN THOUGH they are remarried with other partners. Also, unless a relationship ended on bad terms or the ex was abusive, most people I know continue to be friends with their ex-partners and are actually really good friends. The appeal of being friends with an ex is that they know you inside and out and want the best for you and will root for you when you do find someone who is your match. Anyone who ever truly loved you would never wanna sabatoge your relationship with a new partner, they would be happy with your new relationship and support it. I don't know if the culture I live in is just different than yours. Maybe gay culture is a little different because our dating pool is smaller and being able to be friends with an ex is kind of mandatory since most likely you will be seeing them around? Or maybe just even in the area I live, it is not uncommon or seen as wrong to still be friends with someone you dated. Are you guys from the south, maybe, or a country outside of the US? I am trying to understand why there is such a dissonance in my view VS your guys' responses. I did come across as hostile, and I'm sorry about that, I just....do not understand where you guys are coming from. It is alien to me.
 
slant said:
I just wish that I could understand the difference of opinion- if that makes sense? Like my perspective, where I am coming from, is so totally different. And the reason I came into this thread huffing and puffing like I did is because from *my own* perspective what was being said sounded super ridiculous, mainly because it's not my perspective and I cannot fathom this whole "no ex friendship" rule. I grew up in a family where my parents are divorced but maintain a friendship EVEN THOUGH they are remarried with other partners. Also, unless a relationship ended on bad terms or the ex was abusive, most people I know continue to be friends with their ex-partners and are actually really good friends. The appeal of being friends with an ex is that they know you inside and out and want the best for you and will root for you when you do find someone who is your match. Anyone who ever truly loved you would never wanna sabatoge your relationship with a new partner, they would be happy with your new relationship and support it. I don't know if the culture I live in is just different than yours. Maybe gay culture is a little different because our dating pool is smaller and being able to be friends with an ex is kind of mandatory since most likely you will be seeing them around? Or maybe just even in the area I live, it is not uncommon or seen as wrong to still be friends with someone you dated. Are you guys from the south, maybe, or a country outside of the US? I am trying to understand why there is such a dissonance in my view VS your guys' responses. I did come across as hostile, and I'm sorry about that, I just....do not understand where you guys are coming from. It is alien to me.
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I'm not sure what kind of people you're around, but I barely know anyone who stays friends with their exes. Certainly not when they have new relationships. That's why this thing with Emily took me for a bit of a loop. Even she admitted she knows it probably looks strange to other people. And yes, I am in the US.
 
RunDeep said:
I'm not sure what kind of people you're around, but I barely know anyone who stays friends with their exes. Certainly not when they have new relationships. That's why this thing with Emily took me for a bit of a loop. Even she admitted she knows it probably looks strange to other people.
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Here, the perspective about being friends with an ex is generally a good thing. A mature thing to do. Like "Oh good for you, you're friends with your ex, how mature". Especially if there are children involved. If there are no children it isn't as important but it is still frowned upon for you to be hostile with an ex. You break things off gracefully and either are not friends but polite if you see each other, or you are good friends and can talk to each other without there being any hard feelings or weirdness between you. Being friends with an ex from this cultural perspective is more like... after you broke up you became sibling-like, if that makes sense. Because you love each other so much- but clearly did not work out for each other- you want each other's happiness. You support each other platonic through things. The fact that you had sex in the past does not matter because that chapter in your life has ended. Now you are down a new path.

Is that really that crazy and unheard of, because it's super common in my circle of people I know. People who aren't friends with their ex, who call their exes "Crazy" or look down upon their exes are looked upon with suspicion. Most of the time they were the abusive person in the relationship and are trying to hide their past relationships failures by slandering it. People who are able to be friends with an ex are looked upon as more mature, better for a relationship because they are able to move on and still be courteous to a person they once were intimate with.
 
slant said:
Here, the perspective about being friends with an ex is generally a good thing. A mature thing to do. Like "Oh good for you, you're friends with your ex, how mature". Especially if there are children involved. If there are no children it isn't as important but it is still frowned upon for you to be hostile with an ex. You break things off gracefully and either are not friends but polite if you see each other, or you are good friends and can talk to each other without there being any hard feelings or weirdness between you. Being friends with an ex from this cultural perspective is more like... after you broke up you became sibling-like, if that makes sense. Because you love each other so much- but clearly did not work out for each other- you want each other's happiness. You support each other platonic through things. The fact that you had sex in the past does not matter because that chapter in your life has ended. Now you are down a new path.

Is that really that crazy and unheard of, because it's super common in my circle of people I know. People who aren't friends with their ex, who call their exes "Crazy" or look down upon their exes are looked upon with suspicion. Most of the time they were the abusive person in the relationship and are trying to hide their past relationships failures by slandering it. People who are able to be friends with an ex are looked upon as more mature, better for a relationship because they are able to move on and still be courteous to a person they once were intimate with.
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Yeah, it's the opposite with the people I know. There was this girl at my work who was dating someone and they briefly remained friends after the breakup. All of our mutual friends thought it was extremely strange and it pissed off a lot of people. Eventually she realized it wasn't realistic to remain friends after she started dating someone new and cut off contact with the ex.
 
RunDeep said:
Yeah, it's the opposite with the people I know. There was this girl at my work who was dating someone and they briefly remained friends after the breakup. All of our mutual friends thought it was extremely strange and it pissed off a lot of people. Eventually she realized it wasn't realistic to remain friends after she started dating someone new and cut off contact with the ex.
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I wonder why there is such a cultural difference. You live in USA, yes? Which part?
 
slant said:
I just wish that I could understand the difference of opinion- if that makes sense? Like my perspective, where I am coming from, is so totally different. And the reason I came into this thread huffing and puffing like I did is because from *my own* perspective what was being said sounded super ridiculous, mainly because it's not my perspective and I cannot fathom this whole "no ex friendship" rule. I grew up in a family where my parents are divorced but maintain a friendship EVEN THOUGH they are remarried with other partners. Also, unless a relationship ended on bad terms or the ex was abusive, most people I know continue to be friends with their ex-partners and are actually really good friends. The appeal of being friends with an ex is that they know you inside and out and want the best for you and will root for you when you do find someone who is your match. Anyone who ever truly loved you would never wanna sabatoge your relationship with a new partner, they would be happy with your new relationship and support it. I don't know if the culture I live in is just different than yours. Maybe gay culture is a little different because our dating pool is smaller and being able to be friends with an ex is kind of mandatory since most likely you will be seeing them around? Or maybe just even in the area I live, it is not uncommon or seen as wrong to still be friends with someone you dated. Are you guys from the south, maybe, or a country outside of the US? I am trying to understand why there is such a dissonance in my view VS your guys' responses. I did come across as hostile, and I'm sorry about that, I just....do not understand where you guys are coming from. It is alien to me.
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It isn't that they cannot ever see each other or speak to each other again. It's more about properly respecting the other's current relationship. Ex-lovers can still see each other and speak to each other. Divorced parents have to spend time together for the sake of the children. It's due to concern for the children though and not their past relationship that provides the proper context for acceptable behavior. There should be a legitimate reason for visiting and speaking to one another that makes it okay. If it's just the fact that they had a past relationship, then that is the continuance of that relationship that is supposedly over.

I have an ex that I sometimes look up on facebook to see pictures of her and her family. She's married with two children. We are not friends on facebook and I've never contacted her out of respect for her marriage. I'm very happy for her, but if I were to try to contact her it'd be highly disrespectful and selfish of me.
 
Matt3737 said:
It isn't that they cannot ever see each other or speak to each other again. It's more about properly respecting the other's current relationship. Ex-lovers can still see each other and speak to each other. Divorced parents have to spend time together for the sake of the children. It's due to concern for the children though and not their past relationship that provides the proper context for acceptable behavior. There should be a legitimate reason for visiting and speaking to one another that makes it okay. If it's just the fact that they had a past relationship, then that is the continuance of that relationship that is supposedly over.

I have an ex that I sometimes look up on facebook to see pictures of her and her family. She's married with two children. We are not friends on facebook and I've never contacted her out of respect for her marriage. I'm very happy for her, but if I were to try to contact her it'd be highly disrespectful and selfish of me.
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Hmm, that's just not the way I view things. In all honesty I like to meet the ex's if my partner is friends with them and a lot of the time they become my friend, too. I tend to be able to see why they intially got together and why it didn't work out ultimately. Especially if the person is in a relationship with someone else, couples night with the ex sounds like fun. And I especially like hearing the wacky embarrassing stories the ex has to share and how the person im dating squirms about it and shit it's so cute
 
Matt3737 said:
You're just projecting that insecurity onto him. That isn't the issue at hand and the more you insist that it is, the more you're just making a ridiculous straw-man argument. A person in a relationship with someone should understand that spending time with an ex-lover is continuing a past relationship (despite the change in physical intimacy) and is not properly committed to the current. It's not about dictating friendships or paranoia regarding infidelity. It is a reminder to everyone of past physical intimacy. It's nostalgia surrounding a past relationship that interferes and detracts from the current one to which they are not truly committing to.

It may as well be a photo of the two of them hung up on their wall. It is holding on to that past relationship and not moving forward into the new one.
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This is really good. Food for thought for anyone who is on the opposing side.
 
slant said:
Hmm, that's just not the way I view things. In all honesty I like to meet the ex's if my partner is friends with them and a lot of the time they become my friend, too. I tend to be able to see why they intially got together and why it didn't work out ultimately. Especially if the person is in a relationship with someone else, couples night with the ex sounds like fun. And I especially like hearing the wacky embarrassing stories the ex has to share and how the person im dating squirms about it and shit it's so cute
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I think this may be more of an aspect of gay culture because past partners are of the same/shared gender attraction that you feel more comfortable with that level of intimacy in your relationships.
 
I do understand your agitation and discomfort. I've probably felt similar things under a different context.
Add that his presence is noticeable and....yeah, I can understand you feeling annoyed.
You are not crazy. You are however, insecure.

However,
Casual reminder that not all friendships and relationships are equal. Not at its core, not in the beginning, nor in the end.

What do you know about her?
What do you know about her past relationships-- in particular the one with this particular ex?

There might be a chance that her relationship with this particular ex is not as passionate or as dedicated or attached as it is with others-- or with you.
So she might feel comfortable being friends with that ex-- hell, she might be more comfortable being friends than lovers with him.
That also happens.

That might or might not be the case-- there's no way for me to know,
but there's also none of what you understood about her past relationship in your post.

In that case, I still think you need to communicate your displeasure --holding it off won't do you any good especially with how agitated you are right now-- but:

a) Is it about 'appropriateness' or is it about you?
Because phrasing matters here-- saying "it's not appropriate!" and "it hurts me!" sends a different message.
I suggest you to reflect on yourself and be honest about what you really want.
Otherwise you risk pushing her away even more.

b) acknowledge that having that talk creates boundaries. Boundaries she might or might not want to have.

c) And accept that having that talk, no matter how sweet you phrase it, still is a form of control in some ways.
Or, if you don't want to be controlling; accept that she can refuse to do it, and then do what you need to do.

So sorry it happened to you. I hope this helps; and your relationship can improve.
 
Speaking as someone who's trying to create boundaries;
I think it's definitely someone's right to have boundaries in your relationship. From the more reasonable (don't talk to your ex!) to the less so (stop your clacking teeth!)
But not everyone likes a wall. Ask all the Hillary voters.
 
Talks to him all the time and they have a "private corner" where they share things? Only broke up 5 months ago? Dude, she is still not over him no matter what she says. If in the future you are together and you end up having a fight or disagreement, will she run to him for comfort? This just doesn't sound right.

I am friends with a few of my exes but it is only a casual friendship (they are also in relationships with other people). We may exchange a few FB posts and likes but talking every day and being emotionally close to them when I am in a relationship is a no no. I would expect the same things from my boyfriend and his exes.
 
I am of the opinion that a lot of relationships don't work out these days precisely because exes are involved in subtle ways. Technology has made it easy to check up on exes and to talk to them often. It is also very easy to turn to an ex for comfort when something isn't going right in your relationship. I've been there, I know.
Those who say it is fine to have exes in your life all the time (and who would invite them over for holidays) are naive and don't understand human emotions very well (or they are simply not monogamous).
 
Artemisia said:
I am of the opinion that a lot of relationships don't work out these days precisely because exes are involved in subtle ways. Technology has made it easy to check up on exes and to talk to them often. It is also very easy to turn to an ex for comfort when something isn't going right in your relationship. I've been there, I know.
Those who say it is fine to have exes in your life all the time (and who would invite them over for holidays) are naive and don't understand human emotions very well (or they are simply not monogamous).
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This is my thinking as well. Exes tend to complicate things with the current partner and it puts an extra discomfort there that could be avoided. Why do something that could potentially make your partner feel unsure, insecure, worried, annoyed, whatever the case may be? Personally, I want my girlfriend to feel like she's the only girl in the world and i'm not thinking of past lovers, etc. Having an ex in the picture is a ghost of the past and often puts a subtle strain on the relationship, even if the other partner allows it (probably half-heartedly-- i'm sure it would not be their preference.) I don't feel like it's the most loving thing to do.
 
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I don't know why people are freaking out on the OP like it's completely abnormal to be concerned that the person they're seeing may still emotionally involved with the ex. If it were me, and I was in @RunDeep 's shoes, I'd be asking questions too.

It's not that exes can't be friends. I think they can be, but it entirely depends on the individuals and the nature of their relationship and the reasons behind their break up. It also depends on one's expectations and the boundaries they've set in place. What is 'friendly' to one person is 'crossing a line' for another person. Also, as I can tell you from experience, you can sometimes say you're over your ex until you're blue in the face but that doesn't make it true. People have blindspots. People can brush something off as 'no big deal' but someone else will look at it and say, 'well, no, actually it is.'

@ruji had the right idea when he talked about setting your own boundaries and what you will tolerate and what you will not tolerate. At the end of the day, I think you need to take stock of that and then sit down and discuss your concerns with Emily. See what she says and how you feel about it. You'll either resolve the problem in an amicable and fair manner, or you will have to decide where to go from here.
 
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