Wow, first of all, this was a great thread. I took the time to read all the posts before stating my own two cents and impressions.
I have been struggling in my own right with dating my boyfriend who maintains a pretty frequent connection with his ex of 3 or so years. (Maybe 4? I forget).
As a background on myself before I dive into the topic,
It has been a little over 3 months now. It moved unusually fast, on both sides - we've discussed it. We were exclusive boyfriends about 3 weeks in, which is quite uncharacteristic of ME, in particular. I don't like the sensation of feeling like I'm trapped, especially with someone so new. For background - I was a lot more sexually active than him and I was engaged with a few Friends with Benefits upon the time of our meeting. Because I really liked him, and where I thought it might lead to, I disengaged from all of my friends with benefits in the sexual way, even before his proposition of "boyfriendhood." Simply because the thought of my own character of engaging in a sexually intimate way while I had the potential to be "into" someone on a deeper level made my own thoughts about myself squirm with feelings of low-integrity, which I like to pride myself on is not the case. With the FwB's: I knew their motives, and they knew mine. We were friends who had sex, and that's it. I know how to guard my feelings well enough to know that sex does not mean anything more than pure sex unless that "deeper" spark is there and you allow it to effect you. I have been engaged with FwB's before in the past, and I have suspicions of one of the ones I "broke off" with recently, where they accidentally(?) caught feelz for ME and well, I wasn't there and I had to disengage - because I just wasn't "there" and wasn't ever going to be, really. The FwB-game is a dangerous game sometimes for that reason.
Now, to the topic at hand.
So again, it was fast, but comfortable so because we both felt we had a good connection. Now to frame this appropriately - he was always very open and frank that he was still friends with his ex - even on our first date. While the thought of that for me is so foreign, because both my past breakups of an actually "relationship" nature were either terribly bad or just simply not good but not terrible (I would still see him at a local gay dinner event on Tuesdays and we were cordial and polite, but nothing more). Foreign and slightly disturbed didn't warrant my not trying, so I continued on anyways. I was unaware of the depth of which they were friends, though. During the first month and 1/2 of the relationship, I became increasingly more aware of this on a deeper level. To be honest, It did effect me. Especially about 2 months in when I found out, by asking, that his Ex was unaware of MY presence. I didn't appreciate that and it really hurt my feelings that he was unaware. Especially since all his other friends knew but he was insisting his Ex and him were just friends was a lot of my hurt. I get that there's more to that, but the feeling was palpable and not dismiss-able. I felt like I was being hidden and made me question how I felt about things between us as a whole, and his attachment to his Ex as well and the attachment of his Ex to him. He expressed why this ended up being the case, and I was very confident that what was going on as to why he didn't was nothing more than what he said. It's a long story that is probably not appropriate to share on the internet. However, they do not live in the same city, have never lived together, and the circumstances of their breakup (my current boyfriend was the one who ended it), made me feel secure enough to believe without doubt that his motives were stemmed from nothing more than what he said.
I don't, personally, see why the premise of "because they had sex" is a deciding factor for the discomfort. By saying this, though, I'm not saying it isn't a valid reason for the people who have stated such. It just doesn't effect ME. At least with me, I've had sex with...well...a lot of people. So I mean, it would be silly for me to frame my thinking in that manner. FwB is still a relationship, and I am detached friends of a platonic nature with 2 of them still. Though we don't hang out, more of a "how ya' doin?" infrequent message of friendly interest on both sides. In turn, if my boyfriend decided to feel inclined to ask me to shut off those relationships, I'd take a much more "How the fuck dare you." approach. Expressing discomfort, and asking/telling them to do something because of discomfort are two ENTIRELY different things. As to what was also said by someone in the thread. It IS controlling to declare someone to be unable to see someone, for any reason (other than abuse related instances). You can't control people, and especially shouldn't in a romantic relationship. So I am aware of my needs for freedom and that of his in how I talk to him about it. I just think it is only fair, to the both of us, for him to know that it does effect me, and please - I trust you, don't hurt me.
To the person who said it's not a matter of trust. It's not. I trust my boyfriend. Scarily so. I've never felt like I could trust someone in a romantic relationship as much as I currently trust him. It is more a matter of appropriate - definitely. I do not feel it is appropriate for a REAL-DEAL Ex to be involved in any way other than the cordial politeness, assuming children aren't involved. (I get that people have differing ideals on this, this is just mine). Is that enough to warrant dissolving the relationship? Not in my opinion. So I'm not going to. I expressed how I felt about it, and that I'm uncomfortable with his seeing him when he returns home to visit with his parents and visiting with friends in the area and that he may be there, or that he may want to visit with him. There's not much else I can do. I asked him to be open and honest and frank about his engagements and intentions where his ex is involved and I can ask for nothing else. To be fair, as far as I know, he always has been, even prior to my asking of such. Which affirms the trust I place in him, in general, not just on this topic. With his ex now knowing of my presence, and if I am to believe my BF's relaying of information of how his Ex reacted to it, (which I do), I feel much more confident in the arena that they are "Just friends." Though, it really isn't just that simple is it? "Just friends" that get each other in an intimate manner far more than I currently know him... But that's just jealousy and I know that it is. I'm an adult, I know how to manage my emotions. After all I am a glorious INFJ *rolls eyes playfully*. But then again, that can be said for all of his long term friends, no? That's how I reconcile it.
Wow, I deeply apologize for that being so long. This topic helped me, truly. I needed to read to see both sides of the argument and I apparently was more effected than I realized. I thank you for the opportunity of at least putting that to paper, even if no one reads it.
~Zafronio25
So I talked to Emily about the issue today and she said that she suspected it bothered me and was going to bring the subject up on her own. She said that she completely understands where I am coming from, and then I asked her if she would approve if I was still friends with any of my ex-girlfriends. She said that she would probably feel bothered by it and that she knows she needs to cut things off with her ex. I really do have a such a sweet, understanding girlfriend! She's amazing.
