The deal-breaker

Someone who doesn't have the capacity to express empathy and understanding, despite their personal feelings.
 
Anyone who can't be authentic with me is not someone I can be with. Game playing, trying to force things or manipulate outcomes are all deal breakers for me. So long, too bad, so sad. And then there are the usual suspects...

Drug, alcohol & gambling addictions
Anger issues
Polyamoury (nothing against it per se, just choose not to participate in it personally)
 
poor listener. Someone who speaks but makes no effort to listen.

Someone who doesn't know when not to speak, but feels that their right do whatever trumps everything else.
 
I've gone through this thread several times, and I really agree with most of the reasons that you stated, they certainly have merit.

I think that by now I should explain why I opened this thread in the first place:
Being with someone is never a black or white situation, as with all the things in life is, most of the time we dwell in the grey area, and I have a feeling that as time passes by we push our boundaries, and those things that once were our deal-breakers are not that any more, because everything else seems to outweigh that one thing that was a deal-breaker previously. I'm not really sure where the line should be drawn, or at what moment in time we exactly become aware that enough is enough.

I'm not sure if this was clear enough explanation, I'm not sure if you ever have been in this situation.

I was one of those people who used to say that I wouldn't tolerate infidelity, but over time I came to the conclusion that in this mater things are never black or white, and that under some circumstances I could see myself forgiving it. My boundaries have changed. Now I have a hard time defining them for myself, a big part of me opposes to all those black and white views, though I am aware that having clear boundaries, even if to have something to move from time to time, is necessary.
 
Siamese cat said:
I've gone through this thread several times, and I really agree with most of the reasons that you stated, they certainly have merit.

I think that by now I should explain why I opened this thread in the first place:
Being with someone is never a black or white situation, as with all the things in life is, most of the time we dwell in the grey area, and I have a feeling that as time passes by we push our boundaries, and those things that once were our deal-breakers are not that any more, because everything else seems to outweigh that one thing that was a deal-breaker previously. I'm not really sure where the line should be drawn, or at what moment in time we exactly become aware that enough is enough.

I'm not sure if this was clear enough explanation, I'm not sure if you ever have been in this situation.

I was one of those people who used to say that I wouldn't tolerate infidelity, but over time I came to the conclusion that in this mater things are never black or white, and that under some circumstances I could see myself forgiving it. My boundaries have changed. Now I have a hard time defining them for myself, a big part of me opposes to all those black and white views, though I am aware that having clear boundaries, even if to have something to move from time to time, is necessary.
Click to expand...

I agree. I read many of the post and although good in theory, most people have warts. To me deal-breaker meant "will not cross this line and will end relationship immediately". I think everyone had good ideas about things that make it difficult to be with someone. I didn't choose infidelity although it would be hard to forgive, I too could see that I might love someone enough to give them another chance. For me, the only really true deal breaker I have is violence. I won't tolerate it at all.
 
deal breakers-

being too politically conservative or politically unaware
being religious
bad hygiene
really bad housekeeping habits
not living within means, taking financial risks
not putting an effort into the relationship, not being basically considerate
 
Dealbreakers:

Regularly breaks deals.
Tries to kill me.
Turns out to be insectoid.
Can't stand me.
 
-Extremly social. I mean going to parties from time to time is okay, but if that's what he's always after than i rather be with a goat. LOL.
-talks too much about themselves.
-poor hygience
-unappreciative
-closed minded
-Anger problems
-Lying to me.
 
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sorry but i have been having too much fun creating an exhaustive hypothetical list of this as a form of procrastination and i need to post it in order to stop and get back to my study.

party animal. social life revolves around bar scene. smoker, heavy drinker, habitual drug user, gambler.

compulsive socialiser. inseparable from mobile phone and social media. takes calls while driving or during meal times. never says "i will call them back later". never switches phone off.

multiple tattoos. highly visible tattoos. crudely executed and poorly planned tattoos.

close friends with exes. compares me to exes. talks about sex with exes. expects me to be friends with exes. uses me to attack exes.

helpless. irresponsible. emotionally needy and dependent. whines and complains. incapable of taking independent action on problems.

ungrateful. ungenerous. rude and inconsiderate. poorly defined personal boundaries. does not wash hands with soap after using toilet. does not cover face when sneezing and coughing. assumes others will choose to share drinks from same vessel. expects others to share toothbrush. unnecessarily noisy or disruptive in public. treats service people badly. never tips.

arrogant. no compassion. talks to people like they are shit. unkind or dismissive towards young people. looks down on homeless people. blames those less fortunate.

poorly developed communication and negotiation skills. does baby-talk or other weird voices at me. does not listen. constantly interrupts. omits utterance of my legal given name in preference of either distortions of my name or generic infantilising terms of endearment. cannot follow instructions or accept conditions. will not accept "no" or "stop". lies, cheats, steals, gaslights.

jealous and spiteful. holds grudges and plays favourites. incapable of celebrating others on the basis of merit or achievement.

thug. incoherent ethical values. no integrity.

unfit and unhealthy. out of shape and never exercises. never eats vegetables. chronic untreated health problems. chronically mentally disordered.

needs kinky sex. requires theatrical or elaborate sex. wants sex with multiple partners. wants sex in public. does not enjoy giving oral sex. refuses to receive penetrative sex. practices sexual name calling or shaming. performs any sort of violence on me.

cannot commit emotionally. cannot experience intimacy.

bully. intolerant. prejudiced. misogynistic. disparages gender diverse people. racist. refuses to perceive sexual attractiveness in other races.

unkind to animals. believes that animals do not have feelings. believes that animals do not have "souls". supports inhumane meat production methods. trophy hunts or souvenirs animal body parts.

obsessed with food. requires that i consume animal flesh. picks certain ingredients out of meals. demands additional salt. consumes foods derived from whale corpses.

deliberately wasteful. trashes the environment. does not use garbage bins. will not use public transport.

narrow minded. exclusively devoted to own vision of reality. refuses to admit alternative perspectives. refuses to acknowledge the irrationality of belief. obstinately self limits own tastes in art forms. does not read.

slacker. does not value work. no initiative, ambition, direction, inspiration. no goals. apathetic.

slob. untidy. bites nails. filthy nails. rotten teeth. unmanageably messy desk. face is secondary to facial hair. poor personal hygiene. does not shower regularly. does not wash hair. dirty clothes, poorly presented. does not floss or wear deodorant. lives in squalor. hoarder.
 
* i think everyone should do this exhaustive list as a personal development exercise.
you learn a lot about yourself, how you criticise others, and how you need to try and measure up better to your criticisms of others.
you come to grips with exactly what you are and are not willing to put up with.
it is a good foundation for keeping track of how many things you are prepared to compromise on before it really does become time to say goodbye.
 
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Your definition of easy-going doesn't match my definition. In my opinion being easy-going is a sign of maturity. It means that they're not going to get upset over stupid little things and they're going to be accepting and non-judgemental. I'm not sure why you equate being 'cool, calm and collected' with not lifting a finger. I consider myself cool, calm and collected and I am very responsible and lift many fingers all the time but I try not to get upset or ruffled by anything. I know that it is a sign of maturity in me because I used to get upset a lot more easily and now I know better. It is not stupid to want to be accepted exactly as you are, that is real love. I'm a pretty decent person and treat people really well and I was in a relationship where I was told way too often that I was doing things wrong and that I should be a 'certain way'. In my opinion that way of thinking is selfish and unloving. Accepting someone as they are doesn't equate to being mistreated. I certainly don't believe that it is stupid of me to want to be accepted just as I am. It is a sign that I am mature enough to know that no one is worth twisting myself into something that I am not to please them because they think they know better than me as to who I should be.
 
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I personally disagree with the posts on empathy and emotional intelligence. That's not really a need for me. My boyfriend is an INTP and we work quite well together.

However, I could never be with someone who wasn't an intelligent being. I pride myself in being an intellectual person and I simply cannot have an SO that doesn't share that quality.
 
Wow, I haven't thought about this in a while.

Rigid thinking, closed mind
Overly materialistic
Impolite
Inconsiderate
Can't admit when he's wrong or say the words "I am sorry."
Lies
Not monogamous
Unintelligent
Not reflective
Won't try new things
Has addictions
 
try not to be too critical of others. they are entitled to formulate their preferences on their own terms. its just interesting to compare yours with theirs. you may not have understood them properly. judging by the criticisms, people seem to be focusing on the words used rather than what the person is actually getting at. remember that it takes a bit of courage to put all that out there for others to read.
 
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