Thoughts From A Tired Soul

[Sandie33]

https://study.com/academy/lesson/pi...-of-development-definition-examples-quiz.html

 

[Sandie33]

Today certainly has been one of these days.

After rescheduling my colonoscopy 3 times since October, Thursday is the day. The doc is trying a 'new' colonic. Began a cherry sodium citrate yesterday with solid food and that went okay. Drank half the grape this morning eating a semi-solid/liquid diet and in an hour I have to down the other half...still all-in-all things are going okay. No explosive incidents, lol. Tomorrow at 5 pm I consume the clinipiq with eight glasses of water...they give you the glass, lol. Then five hours before my procedure I'm to drink the second clinipiq with eight more glasses of water. Umm, I'll be drinking that at 2am on Thursday.

What-the-what?!? I'm hoping it goes fast, lol. Better yet, I'm hoping the doc doesn't find anything.

After looking this stuff up it s a fail-safe method to get whistle clean for us folks that hawk up the lovely false pineapple concoction others take. What the heck happened to the two little bottles of physosoda that was administered in the past. That was easy peasy to do.

My neighbor came over for a chit chat yesterday and we were talking about all these tests and how if one has family history of colon cancer, diverticulitis, colitis, polyps, etc. that we basically have to be pvc clean to get a good look. She went on to tell me that the doc cleaned her entire gut biome with clinipiq and she has to take different meds and foods to rebuild her good to bad buggies in her system and that it has made her very sick indeed. yikes!

Not me, I'll be good. I have a goat farm gal down the street and she makes keifer milk better than yogurt, which she makes as well. She makes a cranberry pecan goat cheese that is delicious on an onion bagel then drizzled with wildflower honey....yummy!

Not a big fan of phone calls, was in five before noon today.

I did have a detached half hourish convo with my mean sister. She is very, very ill...not just the mental and physical issues I shared earlier, but her deeper self is so scattered. She has gained 30# in fluid, her stump continues to leak and now she's on drinkable protein shots to try and raise her counts, and the sad part is she's going by ambulance taxi tomorrow to see the same ortho surgeon for follow up, but also to schedule another surgery to remove her pinki finger because it is black and turned hard and stiff from poor blood flow...or whatever.

I wish I knew more about how gangrene affects the human body. The experience I have with it is the doctor tracks it in the body and until and unless it gets in the organs it isn't fatal. My gut instinct says over time hers will be fatal.

I'm having a difficult time wrapping my head around it all.

The infection started on her left foot in a pressure sore. This caused the infection that created the leg amputation story, at first just the foot and a few inches, now she has about four inches under her knee. Her pinki that has to come off is on her right hand. Wouldn't that mean it, meaning the infection, has traveled through her body? I hope this isn't why the fluid has built up around her heart and lungs. She has been in hospital for that a few times...it is a terrible way to die by drowning in your own fluids. She's not healing well with her broken hip and tells me today she has a pressure sore on her other foot.

Does it make sense to me she may actually be dying and I should come to peace with that?

I was cold and detached with her on the phone. One, because she and I have not had the best relationship. Two, I don't know how to be encouraging to someone using their illness to gain attention and be manipulative and plain just has given up on life. Three, could I really be losing three monsters in the same year?

With all I endure in a day, I rely on detachment and dissonance to get through. I regain my happy every time I slip though. because after all, I'm in charge of that. I just can't explain right now why I feel nothing but numbness regarding my sister. Years of abuse and neglect maybe??
I ended the call with an okay, take care, I'll call you soon. I never say that to her. Generally I say love you and talk soon. </3
Perhaps it's resolution that I will not have a sisterly relationship with her after all. Ever.

 

[BritNi]

Does it make sense to me she may actually be dying and I should come to peace with that?

I think we can try to make peace with an end coming, but when it happens, the stages of grief will still occur. How can you make peace with this? ...it's like bracing yourself, knowing it's coming. But the pain will still exist for a long time after.

I was cold and detached with her on the phone. One, because she and I have not had the best relationship.

I feel for you on this, Sandie. When I am like this with a certain loved one, I always carry this sense of guilt afterward because I feel like I'm going to resent that I was ever that cold to them after they pass away. But it's nearly impossible for me to fake any kind of emotion even though I know I'll feel guilty. Maybe it's the same for you?

Perhaps it's resolution that I will not have a sisterly relationship with her after all. Ever.

That hurts so bad. I get it. It hurts having a desire to have a healthy relationship with our parents/ siblings, knowing it may never be fulfilled. When one isn't willing to change/mature/compromise/understand, it can be defeating. And you sound defeated when it comes to your sister. I'm sorry Sandie. I feel for you and can relate in a lot of ways. I really hope that some day you two can feel a sense of closeness, before it's too late.

 

[Sandie33]

hi @BritNi

Maybe it's the same for you?

in some ways yes.

And you sound defeated when it comes to your sister. I'm sorry Sandie. I feel for you and can relate in a lot of ways. I really hope that some day you two can feel a sense of closeness, before it's too late.

Not so much defeated as deeply disappointed.

Thank you for your kindness and empathy Brit. I'm sorry you've had experienced similar. I honestly don't think she can meet me in the middle...however I can hope she realizes how very much I have loved her in spite of her characteristics I don't agree with. It's difficult to care about a person that has treated me in the ways she has over the years.

 

[MoonFlier]

Sisterly love/hate... LOL. Oh god, I feel that. There's always a competition going on on some level even when all is calm.

You say your relationship is not sisterly and yet she is your sister. By definition however she & you interact IS sisterly, it's just not a warm, loving kind. I have one like that too. She's my only sis so I know no other, any genuine emotion coming from her is all aimed back at herself and she has no time for anyone else's feelings.

I'm hoping that not only can your feelings settle down to ones that make sense now and in the long term, but that your sister comes to a calm realization of where she's headed and stops with her drama.

 

[Sandie33]

I have one like that too.

I'm sorry to hear that. It's difficult at best to understand another's selfishness.

I have 4 sisters. Each relationship has It's own complicated issues.

Currently, the younger sister that has been helping me with Dad is in a web with her ex-husband. Granted this is her first love and father of two of her children, but. I've been understanding of her working through her feelings around his illness. She and her son took him to ER yesterday for a bloodclot and he tested positive for covid. I told her stay away from here until the quarantine time is up. This is inconvenient for me as she was to come sit with Dad on three occasions during this time she now has to quarantine. I have a companion sitter in the morning for my test, but will have to cancel the other two commitments. She has been canceling on me for one reason or another all winter. This to me feels selfish on her part, but being me I let it slide, until this time.

Next week Dad and I will be going to the agency to hire help. This is going to be a costly out of pocket expense because insurance doesn't cover the cost. I'll need to sign on for 4 hours a day 3 days a week at $35 an hour minimum. This will class me as an 'employer' and I'll have to add it to my taxes though it's a service for Dad. However, it will be a dependable person, maybe, that I can then schedule my own appointed life around. Quite a conundrum. I had a conversation a few months ago with an acquaintance/friend that hired through this agency, (only one that covers our area btw), and the gal they hired to assist her dad would show up on time, my friend would go to work, the hired gal would leave to go do her own thing until the friend was due home thus leaving the dad home all day alone. She would have continued unless the friend hadn't heard from her neighbor about what was occurring. This friend had been paying the agency $5,600 a month only to have her dad be neglected. The worker was fired yes, but the friend has been forced to take a leave from work to now care for her dad. It's so sad that story.

all aimed back at herself and she has no time for anyone else's emotions.

Yes, my sister is same. I've had a conversation with her years ago about emotional regulation and knowing what she's feeling. She continually blames everything and everyone outside herself for her woes in life...reacting rather than responding to life.

I'm hoping that not only can your feelings settle down to ones that make sense now and in the long term, but that your sister comes to a calm realization of where she's headed and stops with her drama.

The drama won't stop. I've learned to roll with it and not get too deep when sucked in. Typically, when I'm overwhelmed by other things or immersed in helping another is when she can blindside me.

My internal upsets come from others not noticing I'm working through a thing before they pile on more. lol. I believe that is the bones behind feeling traumatized over a life time. The people around me not understanding my normal is a calm and simple way of being, there isn't much that causes my feathers to ruffle. Practicality and groundedness has served me well...however it's like opening a packed closet door some days...open the door and everything tumbles out head to toe, whether it's mine to pick up or not has been my teachable moments. ♡

 

[Sandie33]

and here I go ....

 

[Sandie33]

Watching The Eyes of Tammy Fae while I recuperate ... 25-minutes in and I don't like it much, yet understand why their actual life went the way it did.

What was supposed to be an easy peasy routine test hasn't been. I found I'm prone to polyps. Doc removed 8 with the largest more than 2mm but less than 3mm and the other 7 larger than 1mm so now it's hurry up and wait fingers crossed that all the tests come back good news. The good news take away from the doc is that with him removing all the broccoli forest, perhaps my health will continue to improve. It has been one health issue after another this past year. I'm so done with it and the yo-yo, rollercoaster, twisty-turning...oh just sit down and stfu I tell that voice in my head.

I got this.

It's not fatal, just concerning.

I bought a pizza. Sworn promise to myself after my procedure that I was buying a pizza and eating the whole thing! ... anybody want a cold slice? I ate one slice, took a nap and now I have all this pizza

 

[MoonFlier]

So relieved for you that's done with for this year.
You deserved every bite of that pizza and every second of that nap.

 

[Sandie33]

Cherry-Berry Nicecream

Spoiler: mmmm

My parting gift from the nurse today was a recipe to help rebuild the flora needed to rebuild my gut biome.
Cherry-berry frozen fruit, 1/2 half of a frozen banana sliced, and a big drizzle of raw honey...all in my foodi blender and sprinkled with a split prebiotic capsule,, whirring until smooth..
It truly tastes like berry twist ice cream!
Next is the other recipe with swapping out the cherry-berry with frozen pineapple.

 

[Sandie33]

my treat to me ♡

Back to the drawing boards.

 

[Sandie33]

 

[Sandie33]

True happiness can only be available to someone who is reconciled with his own nature and acts in life only as he wants himself taking responsibility for his actions. Happiness does not need a reason, it is only a consequence of the world within the human self. Profile 2/4 Manifestor.
https://humdes.info/profiles/

 

[Sandie33]

No word, no answer. When I spoke to the mean sister she was being taken to the orthopedic surgeon to see when he was going to remove her pinki finger. Now, I've not had an answer to phone nor text from she or my neice ... they do this. Everything is always a secret.

What I hear is "I know something you don't know." My reply lately is so what I've got plenty of other things to worry over, lol.

So today Dad and I drove around 236 miles looking for a fancy and fluffy dress. I have presentations to give during our installation dinner on the 26th. Yay me, I get to be all fancy for an evening. I found a used dinner dress fir $9. It's quite lovely. Slinky knit with peach, light, and medium blue flowers on a navy background ... one of those dresses that I can wear bike shorts under rather than a slip. Yep, I can only be half a fancy.

It will be fun to play dress up. After all it has been quite some time since I've had an opportunity to.

This month makes two. I'll be in the local newspapers and on the evening news on the 11th. As the Americanism Chair for both Unit and County, I'll be presenting the towns food Pantry and resource center with an American flag and a POW/MIA flag to hang on their newly remodeled building as in a token if appreciation as well as honoring all of their hard work during the pandemic. Their staff really did step up and help many of the town's community members.

So for me, May and the upcoming Mercury Retrograde will bring many opportunities to be outspoken.

 

[MoonFlier]

Sounds fun Sandie! What a score on the dress, $9? Make sure your shoes fit, you don't want any nasty surprises day-of.

As for your sis... meh... you care enough to call and text. They can't deny you that. Keep pinging them. Be the annoying one, LOL.

 

[Sandie33]

shoes fit

LOL ... I matched the dress to the shoes, not the other way around I'm a complete sucker for a good pair of shoes ❤

As a side note, I just purchased a pair of leather sneakers that look like baseballs ...dirty baseballs with little red stitching So, while hunting my $9 dress, (fits beautifully after washing it), I had found a shorty sundress that matches my new sneakers for $1.99, not sure where I'll wear that, but warm weather will dictate I'm sure

Be the annoying

Oh yes, I can be that...annoying that is. The type that says "Hey Lady, hey, Lady, youhoo, yeah you, look over here." But, only when I want to be.

Generally, I avoid those experiences...I had a loooooooooong phone call with another sister this morning. She is primary caregiver to her pseudo-aunt, a crackly old lady and life friend of my step-sis's mom. The aunt has been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s back in November. The hospital sent her into assisted living after a stay for covid. The sister and the aunt's actual children had no say so in the matter. With multiple doctors signatures it's tough to fight it.

Over the weekend the aunt called the police on my sister because she wouldn't take the aunt out or to the hospital...What a mess. The aunt had made up quite a story too about yelling and hitting. My sister had to jump through hoops to avoid jail while the judge could sort out all of the aunt's complaints, at which time he sent the aunt to a higher skilled nursing facility for her care. Good idea too as her illness is getting worse.

My sister runs a 'daycare' center. She has both children and senior adults she cares for. Her system has been working out well in the mixing of little ones with older ones. She damn near lost her license for childcare because of the drama the aunt stirred up. I don't think I'd be advocate for the aunt any longer if it were me.

My sister called asking me for advice.

I typically avoid giving advice.

She's not "lived" with the situation of her aunt's dementia episodes. I did my best to explain to her that the State can manage the aunt's care and assets and she could go back to the caring neice and visit the aunt. Perhaps their relationship could be less stressful...her answer to me was that she'd lose control of all the money. I answered well, yes, but it's not your money to worry over. She insisted that she couldn't do that. I'm wondering if the aunt has faculty enough that she found my sister really is skimming money. And another reason she called the police was the accusations my sister was stealing from her.

 

[aeon]

As a side note, I just purchased a pair of leather sneakers that look like baseballs ...dirty baseballs with little red stitching So, while hunting my $9 dress, (fits beautifully after washing it), I had found a shorty sundress that matches my new sneakers for $1.99, not sure where I'll wear that, but warm weather will dictate I'm sure

This baseball nut requests a picture thereof.

Cheers,
Ian

 

[Sandie33]

@aeon ... have we discussed mutual baseball nuttiness? I love baseball, preferably the Pirates, however, ANY baseball game will do, even those arrogant Yankee boys that I will coldly switch the channel to the Metz for, lol

The older games are often on our MLB Network station. Dad and I sit through them often, he likes boxing, while I like hockey as a second to baseball.

At age 55 it's fun to tell others stories that at 6 I played baseball with the boys. When I was 10 I think was the year that the school and town started our multi-colored, rainbowed hatted girls softball league. I played into 8th grade and if I hadn't wrecked my right ankle I would have been longer on my school's Junior Varsity team...at least that is the town lie, lol. The mean girls created a squeeze-out because I broke our pitcher's nose in a Smith Street brawl and the lie saved her reputation but I had to quit softball ... whole nuther long story. A broken ankle didn't keep me off the bar/business sponsored teams or out of the pop up park games. Those were the best because it introduced me to a mix of great folks from all walks of life.

Okay, here's my shoes...

Spoiler: for you dearest aeon...

What! You didn't believe me did you!
Aren't they just the cutest lady sneakers? They are comfy too. They have a memory foam footbed.


So imagine my delight when I found a red, white, and blue ditsy daisy summer dress, for $1.99, (the sneaks were $60, lol), to wear with them.

 

[Elder]

Spoiler: for you dearest aeon...

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Oh my gosh, those shoes are SO cute!!!!!

 

[aeon]

okay, straight-up, those shoes are dope. absolutely the business.

dress? well, I’ve already mentioned my love of floral prints on the forum...

Who’s looking good when the warm weather arrives?

Top Marks,
Ian