Thoughts From A Tired Soul

I called and apologized. ♡
Always the good dobby.
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;)
 
less than three hours
:m015:
this is really happening

I may finally have the deep recharge I've been in dire need of. No, I won't be cured in a day; however, after four days I may have the bones of a solid plan worked out.

Then, time to tackle how to get a trouble-following-directions pair to actually follow the system going forward ... one question is what type of reward system will work for both ?
 
What a day today. Rainy and nasty and my drivers windshield wiper broken. Off to the auto store tomorrow hoping to find a replacement.

Ironic that something always interrupts my time. However, my mood has improved tremendously with the sliced away stress.

I'm grateful that I'll be eligible for another grant in six months. Perhaps I will get a bit further away from home then.

The binge worthy TV this evening is of course Harry Potter. I'm amazed each time I watch I see a piece I've missed. ♡
 
No place like home.

There's a new sheriff about the halls of home. No one is liking it much but me.

My sister got her $500 filled envelope handed to her as she was leaving yesterday. As I handed it to her I stated, "There is $500 in this envelope. If you don’t use it to fix your truck, that's on you." She just stared at me. I restated to her though I appreciate her helpfulness, her job is to follow directions. It is not to rearrange, pack it, walk out with the items here in the house, garage, or anywhere on the property. Again, she stared at me. I asked her if she fully understood this was her last opportunity. If next time she went against the things to do list and rearranged one more thing that sets Dad off, she's fired, will be replaced with a person from the agency abd she'll not be invited to this home unless I am here.

She caused dad to jump all over me yesterday and I hadn't been home ten minutes. While I was gone, she stripped Dad's bedroom, boxed it all up, wrote her name on the boxes, and organized the remaining items to suit herself rather than Dad so she can clean it better she said.

I cringed at the impression of my own look at her after I came out of Dad's rooms after he insisted that a skinny little fella boxed up all of his things and ran away with them. She did.

I asked her where the List To Keep You Busy While I'm Gone went. She pulled it off the fridge and said here it is. I showed her where it said dust Dad's shelving in his room, dust the knickknacks, put knickknacks back in same spot. Then I asked her to read it out loud. She did. As she did her face turned several shades of color and I wasn't real sure if she was mad or embarrassed. I took her into Dad's room and asked her why she had boxed everything up, only after realizing she had written other names on boxes, and marked names on boxes of Dad's personal bedroom things. She came up with that easier to clean spcheel...I asked again why her name and others, mainly her kids names, were on boxes if Dad's personal items?

"Because I want those things", she said.

Really? I gave her the look, went to my now locked cupboard and grabbed the envelope. Outside now I told her. She didn't know whether to shit or get out of the way. :tearsofjoy:

That's when I told her she has one last chance. Do what is asked, or she will be fired and her access terminated.

I finally got Dad calmed back down. Reassuring him we will dust everything in the boxes and return them to the shelves.

Score one for Dad and lucidity tho. He asked me to read his documents to him again because he didn't recall giving permission to my younger sister to clear out and steal his things. Ooph. :wink: It took me several hours to get him back on track.

Respite stays or not, I'm not going to allow my sister to steal things. If indeed she is. She does not get that she cannot just do as she pleases in my house. I told her to think about that. Because I will give her a whack at my going through her house ... only I'll be swinging a bucket of an excavator through the center to open it up when I do. :rage::smileycat:

Good thing she's not due back until the 22nd. That might be enough time for me to work out my agitation and get Dad's stuff back on his shelves.

As she left I gave her a hug and said in her ear that she had best get with the program or she will get 3-hots and a cot for stealing from this house. She had a look like she generally does of defiance...I smiled and simply stated, go ahead and test me on it.

I had a great weekend, but the past 24 hours has been tormenting me. Proof, there really is no fair in life, if there was, I wouldn't have to deal with these people who are labeled family. :(

Sad is too mild a word for what I'm feeling right now.
 
This hit a mark. Still an internal debate as to whether or not it has set off some triggers.
https://metamorphicosmosis.blogspot.com/2016/05/the-anti-social-manifestor.html?m=1
In the Himan Design System my astrological line up produces a Manifestors label. I've done quite a lot of 5-subject notebooks filled with understanding how all the energy channels work and which gates open me to the gifts available. I'd wager I've spent $200 on books that go along with definitions regarding the Gates and knowing which is shadow and which are gifts.

In the article above, the author is also an INFJ and perhaps that is why this story resonates so strongly.

I've been contemplating, part of my HDS schooling, lol, knowing by what means we operate to find inner peace is important while following the system. As a Manifestor it is my inner authority to inform others before I take action and this is to make it easier for them to understand why I'm doing what I'm doing. As a Manifestor I have a repelling aura. Lately, for several months, I've felt like I've been being bulldozed by others. They seem fekkin deaf to my telling them what I'm about to do...they throw up all sort of roadblocks to keep me divergent. This from them only causes the emotional anger that cones from acting in my not self of Human Design.

When I read the above story I can relate on one plain in regards to getting frustrated and building an antisocial characteristic(s) so my repelling aura is not misunderstood when I silently tell others to gtfo of my way. When I try to "inform" them that they are causing me more work and their helpfulness is more hindering rather than helpful.

Have I become antisocial out of frustration, a need for protection of Self?

These are the things to contemplate while I venture out to do some yard work. Fuk that rolater for now. I have my adjustable walking stick that seems to be working for now. With a strict self-diciplinarian, ( is that even a word? :tearsofjoy:)...with Me, Myself, and I paying attention to my energy and pain levels I can at least get some spring cleaning done while the temperature is warm.

Yes, I'm afraid I may have adopted some antisocial behaviors from years of getting let down when I ask for help and have to do it myself any way.

But, I refuse to allow it to make me as grumpy as the rest of these I'm surrounded by currently. :D

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:p *I'm too blessed optimistic to catch the grumpies long, lmao. ♡
 
Dear Me,

We matter too!

I think of it like there were two ways of being, almost two realities.

First was life before all this where I had a certain mindset, values and behaviours. We were thoughtful considerate normal people.

Second was a life where we have a loved one with dementia. One of the first realisations that recently hit me was that lying and being deceitful was the best way to be with my loved one in certain circumstances. It flies in the face of my values, it is very uncomfortable to get my head around this change in me.

Then as time goes on I find we carers need to compromise on our values further in order to live our lives, and balance what is right for us, our other loved ones and everything else life tosses our way.

We find a need to be selfish in the face of times when in our first reality we would have by default been selfless. It’s so hard to say no to our LO, to leave our LO alone while we take care of 'real' things life tosses our way, or in care of another, or to put ourselves or anything or anyone first that is not our LO.

The reality of this second reality we live in now is that we need to compromise and often even let go of the values, beliefs and self judgment we had in reality one to be ok in reality two. It feels awful, but we need to work through it.

- Be kind to yourselves
- Be accepting and ok of making/taking time for yourself
- Allow yourself to find joy in things, big things, even small things like a walk alone in the yard
- Know it’s ok to not have all the answers
- It’s ok to not clean up a mess right away
- Its ok to ask for and accept help
- It’s ok feel angry, distraught, griefsticken and anguish
- It is ok to put yourself first

None of it comes easily at all because there is so much compromise going on with our feelings, our desires, our needs. It’s incredibly difficult to go against everything we know of ourself.

But it's ok to find balance, a balance that others in reality one might judge us for. It’s ok to find balance that even parts of ourselves that remember reality one, might judge our own selves for.

And we forgive them (and ourselves) because they are doing the best they know how … they dont know better, even though we feel they should. However, unless those in reality one have had to muddle through reality two they will not understand the pain of going against oneself to pursue an act of selflessness for our LO.

We fight through feelings of frustration and anger, being distraught, griefsticken and experiencing absolute anguish more often than anyone ever should in a lifetime - to find ourselves, to look after ourselves and find solace, kindness, balance with our LO and acceptance in putting ourselves first sometimes.

I matter, you matter, we matter, our LO matters, feelings of repetitive heartbreak matters...watching our LO be confused because we cry at the littlest things and the thoughts that we are missing out in our own lives while we make things safe for our LO in their lives, in the reality that they live in now.

We need to find a way to love ourselves through this, AND only we can do that.

We can give ourselves permission to put ourselves first sometimes, AND be ok with it ⚘
 
I'll take my chances here; it's a proper sample base and it is a recent research topic (thankfully). Not a fan though of linking psychological models, like Big Five, with neurology.

How our brains, or neurology, in general works is though creation of psychological patterns by and forth by synaptic connections (paths) in our brain "circuit".
These are strengthend either through experiences or psychological reaffirmations throughout our lives.

So, the wild take: People who are more tuned into specific routines will more likely have a stronger synaptic connection linked to these behavioural patterns, and it will be a harder to break these patterns in regards to someone who isn't directly linked to a specific pattern. The rough metaphor being a 4 lane highway going into one direction versus a 2 lane road that can change on each cross section.

The important conclusion from the article you linked is, as it specifically states, that personalities are not directly correlated to life expectancy. There are a lot of factors that can influence the expectancy.
 
I'll take my chances here; it's a proper sample base and it is a recent research topic (thankfully). Not a fan though of linking psychological models, like Big Five, with neurology.

How our brains, or neurology, in general works is though creation of psychological patterns by and forth by synaptic connections (paths) in our brain "circuit".
These are strengthend either through experiences or psychological reaffirmations throughout our lives.

So, the wild take: People who are more tuned into specific routines will more likely have a stronger synaptic connection linked to these behavioural patterns, and it will be a harder to break these patterns in regards to someone who isn't directly linked to a specific pattern. The rough metaphor being a 4 lane highway going into one direction versus a 2 lane road that can change on each cross section.

The important conclusion from the article you linked is, as it specifically states, that personalities are not directly correlated to life expectancy. There are a lot of factors that can influence the expectancy.
Thank you for 'chance' @dragulagu ;) I'm not really an ogre on discussion, am I? lol

I minorly agree with you on not linking personality with neurology. My opinion from a personal perspective after a two-area brain injury from an involved car crash is that if it not were for the neuroplacisity of our brains I may not have overcome the damaged areas and built new bypass to heal those areas. Often my brain during extreme times of being overwhelmed will take those original paths and I'm a mental wreck to get back to my more logical and practical self. I have learned though to notice those signals and triggers early in my thinking pattern.

Back to age-related neurology though...I wondered if because of plaque build up fatty deposits, disappearance of brain cells, and build up of proteins in the brain, of which all are linked to various forms of dementia and Alzheimer’s, would indeed interupt the synopsis in the brain like a roadblock on a street, and these changes could cause personality changes in the person suffering from such?

How our brains, or neurology, in general works is though creation of psychological patterns by and forth by synaptic connections (paths) in our brain "circuit".
These are strengthend either through experiences or psychological reaffirmations throughout our lives.
I'm not certain I understand what you mean here...do you mean pattern sets the messages within our brains?

The rough metaphor being a 4 lane highway going into one direction versus a 2 lane road that can change on each cross section.
I can relate to this. My brain works like a traffic circle, unsafe to get out until the best exit is found, :tearsofjoy:
The important conclusion from the article you linked is, as it specifically states, that personalities are not directly correlated to life expectancy. There are a lot of factors that can influence the expectancy.
I'm going to have to reread it. I didn't pick up on the life expectancy, rather how personality traits can make one more vulnerable to dementia and age-related brain neurology. When a person is diagnosed it is after an assessment from a neurologist....hmmm, more research for me. ;)

Thank you again for your comments.
 
The chances here are towards the topic and my knowledge on it, not the person, I don't mind a talk :).

As for personality and neurology, I agree with your take on neuroplasticity of our brains. Our brains are incredible in regards to healing from injuries, but there will be adaptions that are made during the healing process. All of our personality comes out from all what's going on in our brain box upstairs, and below; it seems that the microbiome in our gut flora does have a major influence as well on our psyche, the hot topic in neurology these days. Our personality is just a very complex entity.

Back to age-related neurology though...I wondered if because of plaque build up fatty deposits, disappearance of brain cells, and build up of proteins in the brain, of which all are linked to various forms of dementia and Alzheimer’s, would indeed interupt the synopsis in the brain like a roadblock on a street, and these changes could cause personality changes in the person suffering from such?

Good point, I've co-housed with 2 phd candidates that were doing their research in Alzheimer's, so I caught up a bit on the topic here and there. From what I have understood is that Alzheimer's is a form of trigger response of the cleanup process in your brains going astray due to specific enzyme, targeting good synapses as well. That in turn makes us lose certain memories because the synaptic routes in our brain to these memories are broken. So that in turn would change parts of our personality as well. But that's that for that specific illness.

I personally think, however, that our general personality does remain throughout our lives as these synaptic links are a lot more ingrained in our brains. With age comes a slowdown of our repairing processes within our body. After all we do not die of age, but rather we die of external causes that damages our body beyond our ability to regenerate, that also occurs within our brains, although our body does have a lot of mechanisms to counter that. If we look at general plaque build etc. within our brain, which will naturally happen, it can influence our personality but I don't think it will change it. Our minds are too stubborn for that :p

I'm not certain I understand what you mean here...do you mean pattern sets the messages within our brains?
The general take (from what I've read so far), is that our brains strengthen synaptic routes throughout the experiences in our lives. These synaptic routes form patterns within our brain circuitry, which in turn become part of our general personality as these synaptic patterns are preferred by our brain signals. A bit like brain signals/messages preferring to go from A to B directly rather than taking a detour through different synaptic paths, altering the message. A lot of that happens at young age where our brains are still being formed but I assume this is something that goes on continuously and partially before our birth through genetics.

A rough example is someone who plays a music instrument from a young age, this will form synaptic patterns in their brain which influence their ability to play that instrument, but also creating the ability to perform the instrument naturally based on muscle memory. It also strengthens the ability to read/listen to music which in turn influences other parts of their brain. And all of that influences the general psyche as well of that person as these synaptic routes cross other parts of the brain as well.

I can relate to this. My brain works like a traffic circle, unsafe to get out until the best exit is found, :tearsofjoy:
:D well I guess mine are probably like the belgian roads then, still under construction

I'm going to have to reread it. I didn't pick up on the life expectancy, rather how personality traits can make one more vulnerable to dementia and age-related brain neurology. When a person is diagnosed it is after an assessment from a neurologist....hmmm, more research for me. ;)
It's an interesting topic, yeah.

Thank you again for your comments.
Welcome.
 
All of our personality comes out from all what's going on in our brain box upstairs, and below; it seems that the microbiome in our gut flora does have a major influence as well on our psyche, the hot topic in neurology these days. Our personality is just a very complex entity.
Yes, I've read quite a lot about our "2nd brain".

My silly question to myself has been does our upstairs brain run our analytics and logics, and does our gut brain run our feelings/sensory our physicality?
 
I bought this at B&N while I was away last weekend. I managed the Intro and flipped around while there. Now I can't put it down! Armed with four color pen in hand this was one of those books I was meant to find right now.

20220416_215617.jpg
Ever do that? Just randomly walking through the shelves in a book nook and find a book on the very topic you're researching...like the powers that Am say here's a learning experience. :D

I just finished tucking Dad into bed for the night. Well, hoping it is for the night. We have a full Pink Moon but overcast skies. A huge weather event is heading toward us. Mixed rain and wet snow coming due to a two cold front convergence...hoping their scare of a Noreaster stays wrll east of us.

Typically a full moon has Dad up and pacing. Tonight I told him it's Easter tomorrow...he says am I working, I say nope, we have the day off, he says you need a day off, what are we having fir dinner...I laugh. I didn't buy anything for dinner I tell him. He laughs and says Sandie cooks like her grandma, she will find something to throw together. I tell him good night as I chuckle to myself that we'll have deviled eggs with pancakes, spam, and strawberry hand pies for dessert. :tearsofjoy:

I crack myself up. Perhaps I'll just take him out for dinner. ♡
 
hmmm ... any talkers? I'd really like to discuss this idea of certain personality traits being a tic mark to future age-related neurological impairment and formation of dementia.

https://www.sciencealert.com/specif...=Bundle&utm_medium=referral&utm_source=Bundle
Interesting! There are obvious and systematic personality changes associated with cognitive impairment - but when I think about it, these are in part actually a sort of rational response of someone who can no longer trust the reality they are presented with.

It seems to me that changes to our neurology can well lead to personality change. Oliver Sacks’ books describe a number of pathological cases. In my teens, our next door neighbour, a quiet careful family man and senior executive, developed a brain tumour. He survived but only after an operation to remove a significant amount of his brain. After that he became homosexual, extrovert, reckless and lost the ability to manage his job. He left his family and disappeared into the then illegal homosexual community. He was a lovely guy both before and after, but his judgement was ruined. After a few years he reported some underworld guy to the police in a very obvious way and he was murdered as a reprisal.

I can well imagine that there are correlations between some of the Big Five attributes and cognitive impairment. Confusion and fear are at the heart of some of them and if these well up from our depths then they will manifest in similar ways regardless of whether they are caused by innate personality states or neurological changes.

Personally, I’d guess that our innate personality preferences are not an indicator of future cognitive problems - but a change as life goes by to more negative aspects of neuroticism in the Big Five could well be a predictor of increasing likelihood of trouble ahead. It won’t be simple though - I mean, it might just as easily indicate that someone has had a rough ride externally and has suffered traumatic stress.
 
Interesting!
I have to think about this ....

..................
Right now the weather is in the forefront of my mind. We are set up for ten inches or more of snow tomorrow night through Tuesday morning... wet, heavy, sloppy lake-effect spring snow.

Grr-blah :tearsofjoy:

The temp is dropping into the 20's tonight and prime for snow then rise into the 50's and change to rain.

I forget the equivalent of snow to rain. I think it's 1 foot of snow equals an inch of rain? ...or something along those lines. Either way it's going to be a mess with possible power outages. :nomouth:
 
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