Thoughts From A Tired Soul

[Sandie33]

Oh no. Hope it's nothing severe. Is he going to stay the night?

I was just coming in to post. Thank goodness they let me bring him home tonight/ morning. It's late here but I'm so wound up it may take a bit to fall asleep.
They did two CT scans, one without contrast dye and one with.
He has an enlarged junction where they reattached him in 2009 after removing 11 1/2 inches of his colon because of cancer. He was bleeding this afternoon so I called his GP nurse and off to hospital he went. They gave him a coagulant and that stopped the bleeding, with a low dose of morphine and some zophran to ease the pain and nausea...Dad was higher than hell until he finally went to sleep. He was snoring so loud in ER the nurse had to shut his door, lol.
I have a few calls to make in the morning. I don't have a clue how he's going to prep for a colonoscopy. He can't tell if he has to go, and looking inside is the only way to be sure the enlargement isn't a tumor or something. It's also the only way to see what's causing the bleeding. They did a test for clotting factors, whateverthat is. Doc said if he flunked those they were keeping him. Thankfully, the treatment tonight caused the bleeding to stop. ER doc thinks it will crop back up with an irritant, and I'm to call 911 again if it does.

My brain hurts. It's been one thing right after another this week.

After a raspy phone conversation this morning with my mean sister I found out she had another heart attack on Tuesday and is in the hospital. One of the reasons she hadn't called/answered me. The docs put her on a respirator for fluid on her lungs and she couldn't breathe. They had just taken her off it on Wednesday. Seems she had the heart attack while in the hospital.

As I mentioned, she's battling gangrene. Now she tells me she has to prep for an endoscopy and colonoscopy because they want to be sure it hasn't infiltrated her organs. She has that test today, Friday.

While I was bouncing ideas over with my neice how best to take Dad to see the sister...because if she really is dying I'd rather they could visit one last time before...and Dad decides to go and need a ER visit.

The neighbor lady came over as the ambulance was loading Dad to ask if all was well and tease me about shooting up the night. I was in no mood, so I told her to keep herself locked up, (she's 83), because those hoodlums may come back.

What a darned set of 24-hours for sure.

I tossed Dad's jammies in the dryer with his blanket so he would warm up. Gosh he is very cold to the touch and his skin is the color of uncooked toast. He's ashy colored. Well after I fed him a glass of warmed milk and a peanut butter and cheese sandwich, we got him in his warmed pj's and under a nice warm blanket. He's snoring loudly, the baby monitor is squealing it out like a front row seat on a bass, lol, I think it's the morphine wearing off, coupled with all of the excitement.

Well loved or spoiled Dad, I don't want to entertain the thoughts his cancer is back. I can't phanthom an 81 year old with dementia and Parkinson’s going through that! so little sleep for me tonight, this morning, or whatever darned time it is

 

[Sandie33]

Oh Sandie - you don’t get much respite do you? I hope he’s ok, and you too with everything you are carrying.

Do be careful - those lads could have been carrying a gun themselves and reacted stupidly. You are really brave seeing them off like that.

No rest for the wicked, I mean weary John. We're all set back home now. as I replied, there are a few doctors and appointments to schedule to evaluate his condition but fingers crossed it's no thing too serious.

I'm cautious and hope there is no repeat anytime soon of them or others in my yard. Yes, they could have reacted much differently, but that 12-guage really makes a big noise and as I've mentioned before, I use fear like fuel.
For some reason my knees don't start knocking until the threat is gone, if that makes any sense?

I don't have any knee-jerk reactions any more. It's more like calculated responses to the perceived threat, ascribing that way of reacting to years of perceived trauma events. And it really is perception...the natural fight, flight, or fawn resonse to an event.

 

[John K]

No rest for the wicked, I mean weary John. We're all set back home now. as I replied, there are a few doctors and appointments to schedule to evaluate his condition but fingers crossed it's no thing too serious.

I'm cautious and hope there is no repeat anytime soon of them or others in my yard. Yes, they could have reacted much differently, but that 12-guage really makes a big noise and as I've mentioned before, I use fear like fuel.
For some reason my knees don't start knocking until the threat is gone, if that makes any sense?

I don't have any knee-jerk reactions any more. It's more like calculated responses to the perceived threat, ascribing that way of reacting to years of perceived trauma events. And it really is perception...the natural fight, flight, or fawn resonse to an event.

The way you described it was like one of those movie scenes when you know the outcome in advance - the tension is high but the good guy has the situation as completely under control as possible and the losers are going to lose .

I’m really glad your dad is back home with you. Fingers crossed things will settle down now. Sounds like you will need another respite break soon - a pure necessity I think!

 

[MoonFlier]

I keep forgetting your dad has the double whammy of D & P.

I really hope it's not cancer returning. I know you trust his doctors, but keep firing questions at them. There are no dumb questions, only doctors who've failed to look at the whole picture beyond the one thing they're treating. Make sure they are also considering his life quality over just lengthening his life.

I know nothing about colon cancer, so perhaps there is minimally invasive treatment for it that would not impact his cognitive condition? Or are we talking chemo?

When my mom, siblings and I discussed treating my dad for his prostate cancer which had progressed into his bones and organs, our concerns were that treatment was iffy, and even if it did work dad would not have understood what was going on and have been miserable, coming out the other side perhaps without cancer, but no longer with us at all mentally due to the stress. This was all backed up by asking the doctors the right questions. Often they leave the slate blank and not want to have a hand in making the decision for various reasons.Having a psychiatrist in the family really helped me to see that some treatments will cause more harm than good to advanced Dementia patients. Chemo is one.

Your sis... sigh.... *hugs*
It sounds worse for her than ever before. How are her kids holding up? Are they ready to accept what is happening? Are you? Does your dad know?

 

[Sandie33]

The way you described it was like one of those movie scenes when you know the outcome in advance - the tension is high but the good guy has the situation as completely under control as possible and the losers are going to lose .

I’m really glad your dad is back home with you. Fingers crossed things will settle down now. Sounds like you will need another respite break soon - a pure necessity I think!

Oh my do I need something.
Dad is doing good today. I've been checking diapers religiously while waiting for his doc to call me.

I was awakened from a nap today from a phone call from my neice while she was pulling into the hospital parking. I kept her on the phone over 2 hours. Her mother, my mean sister, was having a test this morning to find where she has a bleed and when they rolled her on her side she went into cardiac arrest and the staff had to give her CPR and now my sister is on life support and can't wake up. I'm 4 hours away and did not want my neice to be alone should her mother die. So now they are stabilizing my sis to airlift her to the cardiac hospital where here heart & lung staff are. It's not good. The docs had to give her some medicine to stop that hurky-jerky nerve movements that come with comatose conditions.

I'm flat pan numb. I am perplexed as to why the universal alignment of these things are happening now.

 

[John K]

I’ll keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers Sandie. Are your other sisters giving your niece some support too? You can’t be everywhere for everyone and you have your own health to think about, but it’s so hard when your sister may be near the end. I hope she pulls through.

All my love and best wishes for you all.

 

[Sandie33]

There are no dumb questions, only doctors who've failed to look at the whole picture beyond the one thing they're treating. Make sure they are also considering his life quality over just lengthening his life.

Yes, we are still in tests phase so for now it's hurry up and wait.

This was all backed up by asking the doctors the right questions

Lots of questions.

some treatments will cause more harm than good to advanced Dementia patients.

Yes, if it is cancer I know he wouldn't want a bunch of treatments, rather just fade away.

Your sis... sigh.... *hugs*
It sounds worse for her than ever before. How are her kids holding up? Are they ready to accept what is happening? Are you? Does your dad know?

She is in dire straights. She was airlifted to the hospital where her cardiologist and orthopedic surgeon is. She opened her eyes but they didn't focus on anything before closing again. She wasn't sedated, yet they did give her some to keep her still during transport.
I talked my neice into going home, call the CICU and get rested before going down in the morning. They will call her if my sister's condition changes. It is difficult for me to be here yet want to be there with my neice. She is an only child and her Dad passed away ten years ago.

Dad doesn't know. I would only have to retell him over and over again so I'm keeping it quiet so he can rest through his own ordeal.

I'm good with whatever outcome arrives. I wish for it all to be over with though so I can plan my own future and go back to napping when I'm tired rather than making an appointment with my bed.

 

[Sandie33]

I’ll keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers Sandie. Are your other sisters giving your niece some support too? You can’t be everywhere for everyone and you have your own health to think about, but it’s so hard when your sister may be near the end. I hope she pulls through.

All my love and best wishes for you all.

Thank you John No, my other sisters support from afar. My mean sister has driven more than one breach in the larger family dynamics.

Right now I'm here for Dad.

He escaped for a moment earlier. I let him have some autonomy and independence by letting him sit on the deck for a smoke. When I went to check on him he was down by the creek wandering. He makes me nervous when he is walking alone without his cane. When I walked up to him and asked him why he was wandering around alone he said he wasn't, handed me a dandelion, and said he was walking with my sister until he lost her. I said oh, where did she go? He replied he didn't know, she was just here and then gone. So I put the dandelion in his button hole and he said no, that it was for me, and I asked he carry it for me. He knows nothing of her current situation and has not heard me when I've been talking with my neice.

I have no way to know if my sister visited him in her current state, but the timing is ripe.

 

[Sandie33]

I'm moody and feeling destructive.

Going to the garage to get the brush wacker started ... look out weeds abd tall grasses here I come!

oops, wrong weed family ;P

 

[MoonFlier]

LOL with the bong.

Happy give someone a cupcake day!
Happy no socks day!
Happy Have a Coke day! ... wait a minute, that last one sounds rather commercially driven.

 

[Sandie33]

that last one sounds rather commercially driven.

 

[Sandie33]

 

[Sandie33]

She's awake, grumpy and mean, good signs! lol Just spent an hour in face time with my mean sister.

She looks like she's been run through a crap mill. The dumbass woke up during the night and ripped out her respirator tubing. She doesn't remember doing it and won't let them put it back in. She won't leave the oxygen on either. She's coughing and I can hear her lungs gurgling when she tries to talk.

Thank goodness she woke up, but I get confused as to why someone would be miserable to the folks trying to help her.

She did say she wished they hadn't brought her back. When I tried to explain to her about a DNR she's still out of it that all she wants to do is argue.

We're not out of the woods yet. She has a leaking valve that has to be capped off. The nurse told me she has to be stronger before they can do that.

My neice is trying to be loving and all the while my sister is telling her to gtf away from her.

I get furious when I have to witness that. I would love to have a daughter like my neice. She is a kind, loving, strong young woman. Tough as tar, sweet as candy ... my sister has said over the years that I ruined her, My neice took the MBTI test and she's an INFJ too. ♡
My mean sister is an ISTJ. I understand her daughter, she misunderstanding her daughters kindness.

 

[Sandie33]

 

[John K]

View attachment 88119

I'm sure this belongs here Sandie

 

[Sandie33]

I'm sure this belongs here Sandie

View attachment 88137

it sure does! MOOOOOOOOOOO

 

[Sandie33]

Welllllll, I did my patriotic Americanism good deed this morning. Dressed up in our 'colors' and presented an American flag and POW/MIA flag with certificate of appreciation to our local food Pantry and resource center.

Dad and I also were added to their food delivery schedule for a once a week addition to my regular food buying schedule. A couple of the ladies know my role with Dad right now and though I insisted, they convinced me it would help me out in those times when it takes a few days to get Dad up and going so I can get to the stores.

Ok, so I conceeded to their demands, lol. I won't be on TV, since we've had another shooting and the crew was covering that, but I'll be in three papers.

Oui, I'm so much better at working behind the scenes, but a minute in the spotlight is a warm tickle to the self esteem.

Spoiler: Flash Dance ... lol

 

[Sandie33]

Whew, it's tough being responsible.

I'm now POA/executor for my mean sister. My neice will remain HCP. We're in the plans to get an elder care lawyer in play to help, mind my sis is only 59. This can be a very deep learning experience for many ... do not wait to put you're end of life directives in order. I dgaf if a person is 18 or 80 and y'all have to scratch it out on a coffee napkin ... be sure to let someone know your wants in death.

We just never know. Yesterday sis was eating soft food and drinking water through a straw until she aspirated. Seems she did a bit of damage when she yanked out her ventilator tube and balloon. She's okay, but.

The docs have the sis in a semi-sedated state because she has no sense of time and space, is delusional to having had cardiac arrest, and still believing she's in the rehab ward at the nursing home two hours away.

Hoping we can simply update what she has, however, the lawyer will have to take the matter in front of the judge to release my sister into joint care of my neice and I.

This is going to be a publicized example of integrity ... doing the correct things for my sister regardless if I want to or not.

 

[Sandie33]

It's been a tough 'time'. I'm not sure how many days it has been really.

It is also not difficult to become numb. Numb to the continual stress of my environment.

My mean sister had cardiac arrest again last night. She was not gone long, less than three minutes. Not like last Friday with being gone almost seven. My neice signed out on her. If sis has cardiac arrest and can not be brought back in less than 3-5 minutes the docs are to call it. The sis has developed pneumonia and technically is not breathing without the help of the ventilator now. She is awake, yet heavily sedated so she can relax and let the machines and medicines do their work.

The bizarre thing about this is I was in a call with my neice when sis rang in. My neice answered her call and told my neice goodbye, stating that she was going to die. My neice told her to relax abd get some sleep, hung up with her. My neice was at work at the time. The nurse called her within minutes letting her know they'd put my sis back in ICU with the machines and alerting my neice of the arrest. Then, my neice played telephone tag with the hospital until they told her my sister was semi-stable for now.

My neice called me at 12:30 am to let me know what was going on.

One of the most difficult things for me as an aunt/2nd mom is to hold space on the other end of the phone while my neice sobs. I'm shy of a 4 hour drive from my neice and another 2 from where my sister is. After a few minutes, I talked my neice into curling up with her dog and going to sleep. The poor girl has had about 5 hours sleep since last Friday. The hospital had told her they would contact her with any change. She took my advice, called before making the two-hour drive and went to work instead. She's at the hospital now signing a numerous amount of paperwork.

I'm on stand-by. I have an emergency bag packed abd my sister that helps with Dad is on call with a chain effect so that her daughter goes to Grandma's, the young sis comes here with Dad, and I take off to help my neice.

I have plans to go there the 27th, unless I'm needed sooner. I have a sinking feeling that I'm going to he planning a funeral. I was videoed by hospital staff that I'm the plug puller. If things go south, and no quality of life, no brain waves, she's going to wherever it is we go and chance a begin again.

The sister's body is worn out from all it has gone through the past six months though my sister's spirit is strong. It's going to be a rough transition that's certain...regardless the direction it takes.

peace often arives with a price

 

[Sandie33]