Understanding the INFJ Doorslam

Not always. I’ve had it and literally an actual doorslammed on me during the doorslam. Still gets opened
 
ClevelandINTP said:
I have had personal, professional, friends, dating and exclusive relationships with about 12 INFJs now.
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Not being facetious, but sincerely ... how did this occur? How did you find so many in one area, and factually have them be INFJ when we can't find each other in a 100-mile radius?
 
Sandie33 said:
Not being facetious, but sincerely ... how did this occur? How did you find so many in one area, and factually have them be INFJ when we can't find each other in a 100-mile radius?
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Haha. This is only over the last few years or so. I have met 3 from work. 3 from random interactions. One was a girl I hit on at an Oh Sees show who was by herself and had a boyfriend but still got her number and hung out and we are still in touch. After talking for a few weeks, I just asked her, and she said INFJ. Few weeks later similar situation in a Chipotle, and it turns out we had met before and had an awesome conversation which she remembered. I asked her and she said INFJ. Then one and a few others because INFJs know other INFJs. Then I’ve dated, banged or was in relationships with the rest.

Honestly, for a good year or so, I was specifically looking for an INFJ after a long shitty ISFJ relationship. Somehow I convinced myself “N” was the answer! Like I would go on dating sites and search for them specifically. Then I met one in real-life (not a dating site) and eventually dated her for a few years.

This was in the span of three cities
 
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ClevelandINTP said:
Haha. This is only over the last few years or so. I have met 3 from work. 3 from random interactions. One was a girl I hit on at an Oh Sees show who was by herself and had a boyfriend but still got her number and hung out and we are still in touch. After talking a bit, I just asked her, and she said INFJ. Few weeks later similar situation in a Chipotle, and it turns out we had met before and had an awesome conversation which she remembered. I asked her and she said INFJ. Then one and a few others because INFJs know other INFJs. Then I’ve dated, banged or was in relationships with the rest.

Honestly, for a good year or so, I was specifically looking for an INFJ after a long shitty ISFJ relationship. Somehow I convinced myself “N” was the answer! Like I would go on dating sites and search for them specifically. Then I met one in real-life (not a dating site) and eventually dated her for a few years.

This was in the span of three cities
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Also you aren’t as hard to find as you think. 1/40 women are INFJ and most of them just blend in, so even though the number is low, you stand out. Plus, I work in a field they would be into, similar interests, etc. My thing is just asking people after I meet them, they have a certain vibe. And INFJs tend to wear it like a badge of honor and know what they are. Now I’m thinking of it, I know more

Much harder to find INTJ women!!
 
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ClevelandINTP said:
Now, I was really trying to see what my options were. In the back of my head, I know that for this to actually be a good relationship and move it forward, she needs to reach out. I’ve put in too much effort as-is and she needs to get her head on straight. So it’s already imbalanced. She can put on her big girl panties which she has yet to do in the right way
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Man.....that’s really patronizing to the whole personality type to say that INFJs can’t handle strong emotions, etc. Aren’t you also dating a couple other women too? It seems like you only pay lip service to the possibility that she may NOT want the relationship to move forward. Why do you even want to be with someone who you’re describing as being so child-like? I can’t understand the appeal of pursuing and perseverating on a relationship with a potential partner who needs to put on “big girl panties....in the right way.”


Aside from that, if the chemistry is dead, you can’t argue it back to life.
 
Milktoast Bandit said:
Toxic?
Co-dependant?
Hasn't learned the difference between attachment and love?
Wounded ego?
AIDS, maybe?
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Yeah all da infjs got dem probs too. You also get the clap for free when you sign up as an infj. Lots of cool perks.
 
Sloe Djinn said:
Man.....that’s really patronizing to the whole personality type to say that INFJs can’t handle strong emotions, etc. Aren’t you also dating a couple other women too? It seems like you only pay lip service to the possibility that she may NOT want the relationship to move forward. Why do you even want to be with someone who you’re describing as being so child-like? I can’t understand the appeal of pursuing and perseverating on a relationship with a potential partner who needs to put on “big girl panties....in the right way.”


Aside from that, if the chemistry is dead, you can’t argue it back to life.
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In my experience, it’s been the case that negative emotions are not handled well by INFJs in general terms; hence, a door slam to prevent forward progress on negative blocks. Yes? That is this whole thread is this is a way to protect from negative emotions with a strong reaction

I shouldn’t say those things. Immature ways of expressing things. They have some work to do on their end. Doesn’t mean I don’t care or this person doesn’t mean anything to me.

There’s no arguing it back to life. Agree. All it would have taken is one conversation, and hanging out a few more times to rebuild as it wasn’t really lost. And can still happen

This whole thing was like those two flame type of relationships view it gets intense and the past jumps ups and bites both and it spins out a certain way
 
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ClevelandINTP said:
There’s no arguing it back to life. Agree. All it would have taken is one conversation, and hanging out a few more times to rebuild as it wasn’t really lost. And can still happen
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Ok but even in that one paragraph you’re displaying a noticeable fixation where you’re like “Agreed, it’s unsalvageable...but it could have been salvaged......and really it still might be salvageable.” You say you’re ok with the result of the doorslam, but it is clear that you are not. So you broke through with one other person. Fine, but generalizing that to the whole personality type is dangerous as your motivation seems to be a belief that “No” doesn’t necessarily mean “No”. That’s a very dangerous way to think when it comes to people asserting their right not to pursue a relationship with you, regardless of whether or not it could work with you. It honestly is kind of a rapey way to think. She has the right to disengage or find someone else to make it work with at her discretion and there’s nothing more to it.
 
Online dating :screamcat:

 
Hmmm, that’s not rapey. That’s a farrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr stretch. You’re talking to a rape crisis advocate for about 10 years

And I agree she has the right, no one is trying to force anything here

I’ve seen women change their minds so many times when it comes to this stuff. You’ll barely get with people or anything with that mind set

I’m agreeing that I don’t think arguing is the solution. Rather, having an adult conversation and addressing what needs addressed and trying to move forward one step at a time. Assumptions, man
 
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