Silver Linings (40+)

[Sandie33]

, I don't have it in me to do that in my 50s

**extends a hand

I believe we reconcile our inner accounts every 10 years or so. I've been heavily journaling the past few months. I have written a book on being a sensitive personality and complex PTSD...turned away 3 times attempting to publish. So now thinking of self-publishing.

My therapist read it and said I need more "I Story" in it, and that would strike the cord in others to want to read it. It has been a challenge putting my stories down on paper so they can be added into the book to show relevant example at core messages in it.

What I noticed in my reverse timeline writing is that about every 8-10 years there has been a perceived "crisis event" that occurred. After noticing this, and writing how I trouble-shooted the issue at the time and moved on from it, I saw a pattern, (something INFJ's are brilliant at, lol).

I'm as prepared as I can be for the launch of the next event (s) ... yet, hopeful now that I'm aware of it none will manifest.

 

[Asa]

<3 Thank you, @Sandie33

Self-publishing may be a good route. Try taking your therapist's advice and see how it goes. Keep an unedited version on hand in case the new version doesn't work for you.

I agree that life goes in cycles. Not just ups and downs, but I notice cycles in friendships and socializing, music, interests, my work, etc, too.

My early 40s literally almost killed me because of the stress, and despite being proactive and working toward being happy and healthy for years, I still have some PTSD. I cannot handle that again.

By literally I mean the real definition, not the weirdo way some people use it to mean "figuratively".

 

[Asa]

Part of the fading concern over money is the fact that I retired from a long term public job that gives me a monthly pension, and that coupled with social security will leave me with a very comfortable income. . so it's a bit easier to lose those issues in life.

That is so fortunate!

 

[David54]

I definitely bumbled into a good career early on, not one of my soul choosing, but one that will help me spend some time doing the things I really want to do. .

 

[Asa]

I definitely bumbled into a good career early on, not one of my soul choosing, but one that will help me spend some time doing the things I really want to do. .

There is something to be said for having a sensible career that gives you the time and the means to focus on the real you.
I knew a scientist that retired at age forty and had a successful career as an artist after retirement.

That said, it is possible to have a good career at anything if one knows the avenues to take. It's finding those avenues that matters. Knowing what I know now, I would have done my art schooling much differently and that would have set me up for a solid and reliable career right out of the gates.

 

[John K]

That said, it is possible to have a good career at anything if one knows the avenues to take

That's very true. I spent my working life in information systems departments supporting research scientists in a large Pharma - it certainly had challenges for the infj temperament, but it was a surprisingly good compromise. It paid well and allowed me to retire comfortably.

 

[John K]

Very many thanks for your thoughts and very kind words Asa. I'll be tied up for a few days soon so I'll not try and hack it now - I'll put my own thoughts in order when I'm a bit more free.

Regarding you wife:
I want to give you a hug when I read this, but Brits don’t really do hugs, do they? I’m so sorry. It must have been unimaginably stressful and scary. I hope she is living a happier and more balanced and peaceful life now, even though she struggles. A part of you must always be stressed out over this.

Well Brits do a lot more hugging than they used to, but I've never been keen myself
Joking aside - I'd love a hug. I've got to keep my own problems in perspective because they are nothing compared with my wife's, but I learned a long time ago to get all the help and support I can from other people so I can keep some kind of balance myself, or I'd be no use to anyone. It can feel like I'm living on the slope of a volcano that erupts every so often. There are some lovely people here in the forum who give others a huge amount of support and I'm hoping I can give more that I take myself, but I may need it one day.

 

[Asa]

I've got to keep my own problems in perspective because they are nothing compared with my wife's, but I learned a long time ago to get all the help and support I can from other people so I can keep some kind of balance myself, or I'd be no use to anyone. It can feel like I'm living on the slope of a volcano that erupts every so often. There are some lovely people here in the forum who give others a huge amount of support

Keeping perspective is good, but that doesn't mean that your own struggles are trivial. <3

 

[Skarekrow]

Keeping perspective is good, but that doesn't mean that your own struggles are trivial. <3

I agree totally with Asa.
John, (providing I am online) I hope that when you need it I (and I’m sure many others) can offer you the many kind words that you deserve, for the total gentleman that you are, and the big heart you possess.
You can’t always be the strong one for the sake of someone else...that’s how you end up shitfaced drunk and crying in the driveway at 2am one night (that was strangely specific, disregard)...sometimes you gotta purge!
Much love to you and your family!

 

[John K]

Thank you @Asa and @Skarekrow, you’re both lovely people. Sounds like I’m not the only one to run on empty sometimes.
I can share that sort of booze experience with you Skare I’m sad to say, though when we hit the buffers I’m more likely to drink just a little bit too much day after day and wallow in self pity and compassion fatigue emptiness. What helps, along with setting a routine and getting help with the practical stuff, is just talking about it to someone caring with a sympathetic ear, sounding off a bit when times are bad, and sharing with others that have had similar experiences. Retirement is great, but I used to get some of this from people at work and that isn’t there any more. Our sons were marvellous last time we had problems but they live some distance away so can’t be around for long at a time, We have a lovely lady from our local psychiatric unit that visits every few weeks and keeps an eye on things - that’s a really good lifeline on the practical side because we can get medical help a lot faster than before if we need it.
We are running smooth at the moment thank goodness - but I’ll not tempt fate by saying that too loudly. A hard lesson I had to learn is to live with a-day-at-a-time attitude when we are in difficulty. We are both Ni types so that took some adjusting!

 

[David54]

Running on empty is what I've been doing for the past year. . Work has become so stressful that I am on the verge of tears often for no apparent reason, except that after 40 years of mental health nursing I am fried. . used up. . with no more reserve. I am trying to make it for one more, but it happened again today, a verge of tears moment. I ask myself, WTF am I doing and when will it end. Then I say just one more year. . but it seems so far away. .
so I feel you. .

 

[Asa]

that’s how you end up shitfaced drunk and crying in the driveway at 2am one night (that was strangely specific, disregard).

I can share that sort of booze experience with you Skare I’m sad to say, though when we hit the buffers I’m more likely to drink just a little bit too much day after day and wallow in self pity and compassion fatigue emptiness.

This is a way men cope, I guess. It is not coping at all, really. This was my SO when he was depressed. It was a lot worse than that, but I won't get into it.
(I think) We need a society where people can be emotionally expressive and ask for help when needed, especially men because they've been taught to suppress (or not to develop) emotions and to never ask for help. Drinking is one of those "socially acceptable ways to destress" for men, and with the right combination of stress, depression, or being in the grip, it can lead to dark times.

Running on empty is what I've been doing for the past year. Work has become so stressful that I am on the verge of tears often for no apparent reason, except that after 40 years of mental health nursing I am fried. . used up. . with no more reserve. I am trying to make it for one more, but it happened again today, a verge of tears moment. I ask myself, WTF am I doing and when will it end. Then I say just one more year. . but it seems so far away. .
so I feel you. .

((Giant hugs)) Come here to vent. We got you!
Is there any way to add something soothing, calming, and destressing to your life? It could be as simple as music, scent, tea, a bath, caring for plants/gardening, reading, or a small ritual you do daily when you get home from work.
Don't skip your vacation days. They will give you strength.
Remember that you need time to focus on yourself.

A hard lesson I had to learn is to live with a-day-at-a-time attitude when we are in difficulty. We are both Ni types so that took some adjusting!

I really do wonder how people who are Ni doms find balance in living day to day. What is this like? How do you do it? Aside from the old saying about planting trees we will never sit under, I don't know how I will cope. I'm sure other Ni doms wonder the same.

OK, off to my peace and bliss: horseback riding lessons!

 

[David54]

Thank you. . right now life is just kind of a mess. home, work, it's all up in the air. But I do see light at the end of a long tunnel. .

 

[John K]

Running on empty is what I've been doing for the past year. . Work has become so stressful that I am on the verge of tears often for no apparent reason, except that after 40 years of mental health nursing I am fried. . used up. . with no more reserve. I am trying to make it for one more, but it happened again today, a verge of tears moment. I ask myself, WTF am I doing and when will it end. Then I say just one more year. . but it seems so far away. .
so I feel you. .

Thank you. . right now life is just kind of a mess. home, work, it's all up in the air. But I do see light at the end of a long tunnel. .

Aneirin, I don't know what we'd have done without the care given to us by people like yourself. I can never, ever, thank you enough, the people of your profession. Hang on in there if you can get out with a clean break in a year - it'll be worth it if it gets you to the Oregon coast. It's only a year and it goes (sadly ) very quickly at our age. Tell yourself that in 2 years it'll all be behind you, just a memory.

 

[David54]

thank you for the kind words. . One of these days I'll go into some details of life in the profession. . suffice it to say I have a good case of ptsd. . but I work on it, and it is livable

 

[Asa]

@Aneirin - I can imagine! I know it is not easy. Thank you for dedicating your life to this.
While you only have one year, and one year is not long, I wonder if the pressure of that year is also getting to you? Perhaps a different state of mind about it will help.

 

[John K]

I really do wonder how people who are Ni doms find balance in living day to day. What is this like? How do you do it? Aside from the old saying about planting trees we will never sit under, I don't know how I will cope. I'm sure other Ni doms wonder the same.

OK, off to my peace and bliss: horseback riding lessons!

I hope the lessons were peaceful and blissful Asa - sounds great.

I'm going to have to think about some of the questions you've asked - they are really good and the answers are buried deep, so I'll need to feel around them a bit. This day-by-day thing is a very good example - it feels odd, but it was absolutely vital in the circumstances we were facing, because there was no clear solution in the forseeable future for several months. The future was so uncertain that it didn't help to live in it. I remember deciding that I was going to take a one day at a time attitude and it helped very much. I wouldn't want to overstate this - I was still focused on doing the things that would hopefully lead us out of the swamp eventually, but I kept away from living in a future world in my head and concentrated us on reaching for little victories each day. And equally, kept us away from amplifying a specific setback into a long term eschatological tragedy which dominant Nis are all too prone to do. These illnesses when they are serious are like playing a real life game of snakes and ladders, and excessive future orientation can lead to a lot of over optimism and over pessimism which is awfully destabilising.

I'll need to think more about it, but I think it may be that when dominant Nis put on a world aspect that is at variance with our natural one, we don't replace - we create a subsidiary world within our own that is built on top of our Ni/Fe, and this allows us to use facimilies of the alternative attitudes which are good enough to use in the real world. But that's just a theory with a bit of a "correct" feel to it at the moment ..

 

[Skarekrow]

Thank you @Asa and @Skarekrow, you’re both lovely people. Sounds like I’m not the only one to run on empty sometimes.
I can share that sort of booze experience with you Skare I’m sad to say, though when we hit the buffers I’m more likely to drink just a little bit too much day after day and wallow in self pity and compassion fatigue emptiness. What helps, along with setting a routine and getting help with the practical stuff, is just talking about it to someone caring with a sympathetic ear, sounding off a bit when times are bad, and sharing with others that have had similar experiences. Retirement is great, but I used to get some of this from people at work and that isn’t there any more. Our sons were marvellous last time we had problems but they live some distance away so can’t be around for long at a time, We have a lovely lady from our local psychiatric unit that visits every few weeks and keeps an eye on things - that’s a really good lifeline on the practical side because we can get medical help a lot faster than before if we need it.
We are running smooth at the moment thank goodness - but I’ll not tempt fate by saying that too loudly. A hard lesson I had to learn is to live with a-day-at-a-time attitude when we are in difficulty. We are both Ni types so that took some adjusting!

Yes, I can also relate to what you wrote here as well!


@Asa I don’t drink anymore but maybe once or twice a year...it pisses off my arthritis.
But I also never typically drink away my sorrows...this was when my Dad was at home dying and I was trying to be strong for my Mom on a constant basis....it just doesn't work like that obviously...lol.


@Aneirin I have also worked in the medical field my whole career, albeit in surgery not psychiatrics.
For those of us who are very empathetic or even empathic, medical anything can be a challenge for us feelers imho.
I’m sorry you feel burned out...that is a sucky feeling.
I hope you make your goal of getting to the OR coast...I’m in WA state myself so it’s about 2 hrs away from me...very lovely.
Just keep that goal in mind!
Do you ever meditate?
I know it’s difficult for some, but practice makes it much easier and can really help break those negative patterns that humans are predisposed to see above the positive.
It’s helpful to find the stressors and points of stress in order to eliminate them from your body.
For example - make a tight fist.
Now stop and notice that your chest and breathing also tighten up...so while you keep you fist tight, relax the body and chest and take a deep breath.
You may also notice that your fist relaxed a bit also when you relaxed the other muscles.
Anyhow...I’m sure being a Psyche-nurse you know all about mindfulness and acute vs secondary mental or physical suffering or stress!
Much love to you, let me know if I can help you in any way?!

John...
You have a really great attitude and that makes a huge difference in the way things turn out.
Chin up...if you can’t walk, then we will all carry you!

 

[Asa]

People Who Became Successful After 40:
(There are countless entertainers who became famous after 40, but I omitted most.)

Stan Lee, icon behind Marvel Comics, was 39 when his first hit comic was published. (Marvel Universe was established a few years later.)
Vera Wang entered the fashion industry at age 40.
Samuel L Jackson was 43 when he appeared in his career-establishing role.
Henry Ford was 43 when he made the Model T.
Herb Lubalin started his own design studio when he was 46. After that he designed the famous fonts Eros, Fact and Avant Garde.
David Carson published "The End Of Print" at age 41 after switching careers from teaching to design.
Muriel Copper won her AIGA medal at age 69. After that she founded MIT's Visual Language Workshop and cofounded MIT's Media Lab.
Momofuku Ando made instant ramen at age 48.
Charles Darwin published "Origin Of The Species" at age 50.
Despite years of working with little recognition, both Judy Dench and Hellen Mirren's careers bloomed when they were older. Can we imagine film without them?
Julia Child was 50 when she published her first cookbook.
Laura Ingalls Wilder published her first novel at age 65.
Grandma Moses was 78 when she became a painter.
Harry Berstein was 96 when his memoir ("The Invisible Wall: A Love Story That Broke Barriers") became a hit. He was 93 when he began writing it.
Ang Lee was a stay at home dad until his film career took off in his 40s.
Lucille Ball's "I Love Lucy" premiered when she was 40.
Christian Dior didn't get into fashion until 37. He founded House Of Dior at age 41.
Gladys Burrill ran her first marathon at 86 and became famous for completing the Honolulu Marathon at age 92.
Peter Mark Roget suffered from depression. To cope, he did something he enjoyed: writing lists. At age 73 he published the first "Roget's Thesaurus".
Similarly, Noah Webster first published his dictionary at age 66. (He worked on it for 26 years.)
Teiichi Igarashi began climbing Mt Fuji at age 89, and is known for climbing the mountain at age 100.
Diana Nyad swam from Cuba to Florida at age 64. It was her fifth attempt.
Theodor Mommsen received the Nobel Prize in literature at age 85.
Ernestine Shepherd started bodybuilding at age 56, and became the world's oldest female body builder at age 78. ...And she is amazing!
Though Frank Lloyd Wright's career began in his 20s, nearly one third of his buildings were built after the age of 70, including Falling Water. He was 76 when he began designing the Guggenheim Museum. (It took 16 years to design and build.)

 

[John K]

People Who Became Successful After 40:
(There are countless entertainers who became famous after 40, but I omitted most.)

Stan Lee, icon behind Marvel Comics, was 39 when his first hit comic was published. (Marvel Universe was established a few years later.)
Vera Wang entered the fashion industry at age 40.
Samuel L Jackson was 43 when he appeared in his career-establishing role.
Henry Ford was 43 when he made the Model T.
Herb Lubalin started his own design studio when he was 46. After that he designed the famous fonts Eros, Fact and Avant Garde.
David Carson published "The End Of Print" at age 41 after switching careers from teaching to design.
Muriel Copper won her AIGA medal at age 69. After that she founded MIT's Visual Language Workshop and cofounded MIT's Media Lab.
Momofuku Ando made instant ramen at age 48.
Charles Darwin published "Origin Of The Species" at age 50.
Despite years of working with little recognition, both Judy Dench and Hellen Mirren's careers bloomed when they were older. Can we imagine film without them?
Julia Child was 50 when she published her first cookbook.Laura Ingalls Wilder published her first novel at age 65.
Grandma Moses was 78 when she became a painter.
Harry Berstein was 96 when his memoir ("The Invisible Wall: A Love Story That Broke Barriers") became a hit. He was 93 when he began writing it.
Ang Lee was a stay at home dad until his film career took off in his 40s.
Lucille Ball's "I Love Lucy" premiered when she was 40.
Christian Dior didn't get into fashion until 37. He founded House Of Dior at age 41.
Gladys Burrill ran her first marathon at 86 and became famous for completing the Honolulu Marathon at age 92.
Peter Mark Roget suffered from depression. To cope, he did something he enjoyed: writing lists. At age 73 he published the first "Roget's Thesaurus".
Similarly, Noah Webster first published his dictionary at age 66. (He worked on it for 26 years.)
Teiichi Igarashi began climbing Mt Fuji at age 89, and is known for climbing the mountain at age 100.
Diana Nyad swam from Cuba to Florida at age 64. It was her fifth attempt.
Theodor Mommsen received the Nobel Prize in literature at age 85.
Ernestine Shepherd started bodybuilding at age 56, and became the world's oldest female body builder at age 78. ...And she is amazing!
Though Frank Lloyd Wright's career began in his 20s, nearly one third of his buildings were built after the age of 70, including Falling Water. He was 76 when he began designing the Guggenheim Museum. (It took 16 years to design and build.)

Some more ....

John XXIII became Pope at 76 years old and changed the world with Vatican II.
Mohammed was 40 when he became a prophet and changed the world too.
Churchill was between 65 and 70 when he led Britain to victory in WW2 - he was known before then but notorious rather than famous lol.
Bruckner didn't become actually famous as a composer until his 60s, and he only finished his first symphony in his 40s.