[PAX] The INFJ Doorslam

Trifoilum said:
I don't think dismissal is the same as tactical retreat; instead it's an offensive tactics, used to push aside / dispel / nullify other's "attacks"; think of it as a counterattack.
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True. I'd also add that being dismissive connotates condescension. This is also inherantly against what most INFJs are about.

When I said 'dismissive', I meant to communicate it as writing somebody off and moving on.
 
True. I'd also add that being dismissive connotates condescension. This is also inherantly against what most INFJs are about.
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Not when done well. An ENTJ friend of mine is capable of doing that and it looked....damn, awesomely subtle.

When I said 'dismissive', I meant to communicate it as writing somebody off and moving on.
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Then you're already correct, at least for me :)
 
By "dismissive" I meant:
This is going nowhere. I have better things to do.
While accepting that anyone else is what they are, without judging it.
While accepting that I am what I am, and might put my time to better use.
Condescention?
Not to me.
 
Crow said:
By "dismissive" I meant:
This is going nowhere. I have better things to do.
While accepting that anyone else is what they are, without judging it.
While accepting that I am what I am, and might put my time to better use.
Condescention?
Not to me.
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Ah, well then, we seem to have struck upon it then.

Not only are the words doorslam and dismissive, but your definition of 'dismissive' is not the same as my definition of 'doorslam'.
 
A common problem this.
No two people see any word in exactly the same way.
We swim in an ocean of nuance.
Often we drown in it.

That is why Judging has to be seen as the nuclear weapon it is.
That is why I need to be alone so much.
That is why I embrace taoism.
That is why...
That is...
That...

Is.
 
pierce said:
Avril lavigne was me. I discovered today that I could add thread tags to my heart's content.


Tomorrow!
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How dare you add Avril Lavigne as a tag to the thread...
That's ok though. I'll just be civil and polite to you from now on, sir.
 
I doorslam and wonder what's ont he other side.

I've doorslammed two or three people. Others I've tried to just quietly ignore but it doesn't work.


Why do ESFP's like me so much? Conceited yes, but once they pick up my scent it's like they won't get to gettin'. Like that dog from "Up".
 
Something I just noticed / admitted this morning.

As a result of my immaturity I've committed several doorslams; some worthy, some not; some big, some small, but a doorslam nonetheless.

I think I ended up doorslamming people more / reinforcing the lock when seeing anything they did ;| As if I'm slowly thinking, "Yeah, my judgement's right after all" :| Not really mature.
 
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Wyst said:
you're writing your brother's essay? you're very nice.
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Ha. It's no biggie, I wasn't doing anything anyway.

So my response. I door-slammed 2 people out of my life: the first, not completely. I am very civil and polite towards her. You can even say nice, and for those who didn't know better would think we're great friends.

The second. I just forgave him, so if he attempts communication, I'll probably be nice as well, though I highly doubt he can ever gain access to my inner sanctum of trust ever again. Been there, done that.

The pain wasn't worth it.
 
Wyst said:
INFJ Doorslam - when an INFJ slams the door on a relationship with someone they began to be or were already very familiar with. Communication is cut off. Progress in the relationship can no longer be made. The offending party is ignored indefinitely. Reconciliation is rarely considered.

An INFJ Doorslam can occur in one or more of the following situations:
  • The offending party has not gained access to the INFJ's inner sanctum yet but tries to force their way in - DOORSLAM
  • The offending party knowingly or unknowingly injures an INFJ. The INFJ wonders why in the world that person would do such a thing - DOORSLAM
  • The INFJ has been cornered in a situation where the offending party will not let them out - this can happen in verbal arguements/debates where the INFJ is already out of their comfort zone and would like to let things lie but the offending party presses the issue - DOORSLAM
  • The offending party betrays an INFJ - usually resulting in an INSTANT DOORSLAM
  • Things have grown awkward in the relationship the offending party becomes the offender when they insist it's the INFJs imagination and to get over it - DOORSLAM
  • There are many other scenarios where someone, even another INFJ can be doorslammed.
In a lot of these situations - the doorslam occurs because the INFJ is afraid of confrontation. Not combative confrontation, but rather bringing up their hurt, whether actual or only perceived, could, in their mind, only worsen the situation.
An INFJ doorslam doesn't mean an INFJ is now rude to the offending party. In fact, the INFJ is usually very polite to the offending party. Succint, civil, and sometimes terse. But the INFJ won't go out of their way to approach or engage the offending party like (if) they used to. Unless the offending party approaches them in conversation, it's almost like they don't exist to the INFJ anymore.

In some situations the INFJ may really desire reconciliation but because of fear of making things worse and their own pride - it may not come to pass.

Please feel free to discuss your INFJ Doorslam experiences here - whether you were the slammer or the slamee.

NOTE: The reason I've started this thread is to get people to remember their experiences and reflect (for themselves) on their actions and their part in the conflict, because everyone plays their part. So don't jump down someone's throat for their response to a situation they were in - they may only be reflecting and, more importantly, you could be risking getting doorslammed. This is not about whether the doorslam is right or wrong - as I've said, usually, it's based out of fear and/or pride, so just leave it at that or start your own thread.
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Ive never heard this described this way before. Definitely do this.
 
I've doorslammed two people so far. One is a coworker/ex roommate. He lied to me, and put me in a very uncomfortable situation with no apology and without asking me. He's basically dead to me, I give him only the faintest of acknowledgement to do my work.

Then other is my dad who left me a long time ago, and has tried to communicate with me online.

I reject talking to these people for the same reason. I don't want my easy going, friendly and forgiving nature to crop up in our conversations with all the pain they caused me. I know the minute I start talking I forget myself and want to be desperately liked and appreciated... Sometimes in self depreciating ways. So to keep from foregetting my real hurt I can't bring myself to even casually talk to them. I know exactly how a conversation would go, in completely self serving ways... And I would rather not deal with that when trying to work through real pain. It's easier to just jettison them From my life...
 
What exactly does PAX mean? I don't think I've seen that prefix used a lot in threads.
 
slamming-door-o.gif
 
The more I grow as a person the more I realize that many "Doorslams" were unwarranted and were more of a sign of emotional immaturity and the inability to draw appropriate boundaries. I now find it laughable to cut someone off in such a way. The ONLY time that I see door slamming to be appropriate is when the person being cast out is toxic and damaging to the wellbeing of the person shutting the door.

But again, casting out a person for one scenario or another simply because one feels uncomfortable or out of their comfort zone is absurd. It's like denying that a person has the right to be as they are and rejecting them wholly and completely over a disagreement.
 
Jacobi said:
What exactly does PAX mean? I don't think I've seen that prefix used a lot in threads.
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It means peace. Stated in the OP:

NOTE: The reason I've started this thread is to get people to remember their experiences and reflect (for themselves) on their actions and their part in the conflict, because everyone plays their part. So don't jump down someone's throat for their response to a situation they were in - they may only be reflecting and, more importantly, you could be risking getting doorslammed. This is not about whether the doorslam is right or wrong - as I've said, usually, it's based out of fear and/or pride, so just leave it at that or start your own thread.
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Think it was meant to try to keep things civil and discourage personal attacks, which the op saw as potentially occurring.

As opposed to the PUG prefix, which I always imagined stemming from pugilistic.
 
Yeah, in my case I think it's true that it can be a sort of reverse pride, because I've already decided the person has rejected me in some way through their behaviour. Or maybe because I mistakenly think they like me less then they actually do. So I just intuit the situation wrong. Then the other person thinks I must think I'm superior...or don't like them or something.... I'm only putting these ideas together now, so it comes as a revelation to me. Good friends I've lost touch with and stuff like that. The other door slam though is due to endless patience and tolerance, which feels like it'll last forever and then one small thing / or large thing happens and I'm suddenly looking from the other side of the preverbial line in the sand. Never like to write people of totally though, and feel hurt when people seem to have done that to me. However I guess there are times when it is the best thing for everyone concerned.
 
Locking someone out is simply fearing what they can do when they are close. If you need to do that, so be it. But I think it's entirely possible to regard people as inert, and to be inert yourself. Once they get the picture that there is no more energy to be gained from you, they'll get it elsewhere.
 
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