Understanding the INFJ Doorslam
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Ren
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I share the same struggle. I have awareness of some sort but it is not particularly vivid.
Mike Rodgers
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It's interesting that you just referenced ghosting. I think I very recently just did that. I deleted blocked everyone who was friends or family with this specific person, I doorslammed
D
Deleted member 16771
Don't hesitate to share if you feel like it.
So, my brother has a different father to me and is 13 years older than me.
I think around the time of the general election of 2010 in the UK (or maybe a European election), he told me how he had voted for the British National Party (racists), and started on about immigration, &c. I was at his house.
I debated him as I do, and he was arguing back, then I said 'you do know that my grandfather was Polish don't you?'.
His response was 'well why don't you go back to Poland then?'
I can't honestly remember what happened next but that I was extremely offended and disappointed and didn't speak to him for years after.
I don't know if this qualifies.
John K
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I think your reaction may have been amplified a bit by infj sensitivity, but it sounds like a pretty natural response that could have come from anywhere within the whole mbti spectrum.
infinite dreams
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My two cents: I think most people, regardless of MBTI type are capable of shutting someone else out of their life, either on a fixed/temporary or permanent basis. I honestly don't believe that being a "Feeler" or "Thinker" matters in this regard. Everyone has trigger points and lines that they don't want to see crossed. Every person has a limit to the patience they can employ with another.
I think that the difference with INFJs lies in the seriousness they place upon individual human interaction and connection. For an INFJ, making the decision to consciously omit another person from their life is a huge deal. It is not a simple arithmetic of logic and/or emotion. It is the severing of a bond, and it carries great consequence.
I think that the difference with INFJs lies in the seriousness they place upon individual human interaction and connection. For an INFJ, making the decision to consciously omit another person from their life is a huge deal. It is not a simple arithmetic of logic and/or emotion. It is the severing of a bond, and it carries great consequence.
Rowan Tree
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The only times I remember doing this is when someone has transgressed in a way that hurts someone else I care about. I am usually (perhaps even overly) forgiving, but I don't tend to forgive on another person's behalf.
This resonates a lot. I find it very hard to relate to people who are casual about breaking bonds.
This resonates a lot. I find it very hard to relate to people who are casual about breaking bonds.
John K
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I think this is very perceptive Infinite Dreams. A couple of intjs I've know could take on and shed people more effectively than I could ever dream of - don't know if they were representative, but the people I'm thinking of just don't look back and don't seem to have any regrets. I don't envy others this ability to deal with people in such an objective way - it seems de-humanising to me. At the same time I admire it, because it can be very necessary - in the workplace for example, where a clinical clean break, well thought through and put into action, can be really important. The infj doorslam is just one example of a whole galaxy of ways that people deal with difficult interpersonal situations in different contexts.
infinite dreams
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Right. The truth is that every individual is going to handle this sort of thing in their own way - even people of the same "type" aren't going to apply consistent behaviors and practices across the board. There's a multitude of reasons why human beings are so difficult to accurately classify.
D
Deleted member 16771
Yeah me too.
Wyote said something a while back about 'catastrophising' things, and I immediately thought of how distasteful to me it was just how casually some people wielded the estrangement hammer.
Strong relationships ought to be able to take some damage without breaking.
John K
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This .....
I'd even turn it on its head as well and say that strong relationships are built on experiencing and overcoming difficulties that cause some damage. What you said is true both ways round, I feel. People can be very starry eyed in their expectations for their relationships, whether friendships or romances, social or business - in the real world they are messy and it's compromise all the way.
D
Deleted member 16771
Yes I agree. It's as if the low points reveal the actual 'truth' of the relationship - the low points strip everything away to its barest foundations, which should ultimately be a kind of axiomatic commitment.
Do both parties actually double down to try to heal the relationship, thus demonstrating this commitment, or do they invest more in their own pride/whatever and give up?
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I mean this in the friendliest way possible, but you don't say? <3
Agree. All types do this. I think the difference between other types and the INFJ door slam is that INFJ slams can seem to come out of nowhere to the person being slammed because we can be obnoxiously complicated and secretive about how we read people, the little tests we give people that they don't know about, etc, and then when we've slammed there is no chance to undo it because, as you said, we take it so seriously.
Agree.
D
Deleted member 16771
I identify with the superficially weird combination of intense moral judgement on one hand and intense commitment/forgiveness on the other, and I think perhaps that this causes a lot of internal tension for INFJs.
Relationships are serious business to INFJs. We want to take bullets for people and bury their bodies, but equally we do not take a sympathetic view to moral lapses.
Relationships are serious business to INFJs. We want to take bullets for people and bury their bodies, but equally we do not take a sympathetic view to moral lapses.
Infjente
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This thread! Must be a blindspot, because it's been driving me nuts that I can't see clearly how I'm doing this. I made a list of the reasons why I have done the "doorslam" or in any way put a person on hold in the past:
1. My unconscious self doesn't like how I look in the reflection a person is sending back to me. I might all of a sudden lose interest, but more preferably I'll try to find an explanation on why I might not look good in that particular mirror because it's some how defective. Foggy weak spot: making me question my relevance or personal competence.
2. When I have seen the potential harm a person can cause others or myself, and that it comes from a deeply wounded place that can't get pain relief without deeply wounding others. These are dangerous people, but they'll lose interest fast when they can tell that I know about it. I don't bother confronting a person like this, they will know it fast enough, and leave me and people in my "interpersonal radius" alone. Foggy weak spot: fear of eventually being forced to leave my comfort zone by my own moral standard and/or need to protect others, and expose myself to potential shame and social exclusion/burned bridges.
3. When I have taken on a role too quickly, friend, girlfriend etc, and I either realize that I won't be able to deliver what's expected of me, or that I can tell that the other person is going to think that about their role in the future. I have a fear of asymmetry in friendships/relationships, and the stress isn't worth it. I also need a certain social norm structure to define what that person should be to me and what is expected of me in terms of giving and receiving. If these guidelines aren't clear, I might not be able to limit the emotional effort I put in before I'm too drained to know I'm out, and the other person won't know what's wrong when I suddenly withdrawal. Foggy weak spot: afraid of being selfish and conditional, and getting it in return.
4. When I love or care deeply about a person that is in more or less in constant need of care or support, and doesn't seem to get when I'm drained. I might put him/her on a looong hold before I'll reconnect. The sad thing is that when it has gone this far, I'm likely to be permanently reserved towards this person, fearing they might empty my reserves before I know it's gone. I need to know that I always have my reserves in case someone really needs it. Foggy weak spot: afraid of being helpless and feel the need to place the blame on others than myself for it.
With 1 and 2, I have been close to slamming the door. Permanent damage - yes, emotionally indifferent - not yet. 3 and 4 are not doorslamming, but perhaps the most painful "shut down" to both parties. All four, will in most cases mean that things won't be the same after that.
Can 1,2,3,4 be explained by type/functions or are they "universal", or just personal?
1. My unconscious self doesn't like how I look in the reflection a person is sending back to me. I might all of a sudden lose interest, but more preferably I'll try to find an explanation on why I might not look good in that particular mirror because it's some how defective. Foggy weak spot: making me question my relevance or personal competence.
2. When I have seen the potential harm a person can cause others or myself, and that it comes from a deeply wounded place that can't get pain relief without deeply wounding others. These are dangerous people, but they'll lose interest fast when they can tell that I know about it. I don't bother confronting a person like this, they will know it fast enough, and leave me and people in my "interpersonal radius" alone. Foggy weak spot: fear of eventually being forced to leave my comfort zone by my own moral standard and/or need to protect others, and expose myself to potential shame and social exclusion/burned bridges.
3. When I have taken on a role too quickly, friend, girlfriend etc, and I either realize that I won't be able to deliver what's expected of me, or that I can tell that the other person is going to think that about their role in the future. I have a fear of asymmetry in friendships/relationships, and the stress isn't worth it. I also need a certain social norm structure to define what that person should be to me and what is expected of me in terms of giving and receiving. If these guidelines aren't clear, I might not be able to limit the emotional effort I put in before I'm too drained to know I'm out, and the other person won't know what's wrong when I suddenly withdrawal. Foggy weak spot: afraid of being selfish and conditional, and getting it in return.
4. When I love or care deeply about a person that is in more or less in constant need of care or support, and doesn't seem to get when I'm drained. I might put him/her on a looong hold before I'll reconnect. The sad thing is that when it has gone this far, I'm likely to be permanently reserved towards this person, fearing they might empty my reserves before I know it's gone. I need to know that I always have my reserves in case someone really needs it. Foggy weak spot: afraid of being helpless and feel the need to place the blame on others than myself for it.
With 1 and 2, I have been close to slamming the door. Permanent damage - yes, emotionally indifferent - not yet. 3 and 4 are not doorslamming, but perhaps the most painful "shut down" to both parties. All four, will in most cases mean that things won't be the same after that.
Can 1,2,3,4 be explained by type/functions or are they "universal", or just personal?
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This all resonates strongly with me
John K
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I relate very strongly to this - there's lots of traps in there for infjs. I sometimes wonder if we shouldn't be identified in early teens and given intensive support on how to handle some stuff. One trap that is very difficult to manage if we persist in this sort of relationship is maybe best described by Jung's concepts of Transference and Counter Transference. The dependent person starts to rely on us for their own sense of who they are and their sense of self worth. The responsibility can feel crushing and it is emotionally terrible to break free for both you and the other person. Even worse is when we adapt to this and slowly come to realise we need the other person's neediness for our own validation. At it's best this sort of relationship, entered into consciously, can be incredibly rewarding if it can be used by both people to develop and grow - but it can be disastrous and full of mental health risks. I speak from experience. These problems can be avoided when we are young by walking away - it doesn't matter whether quietly or with a slam. Later in life, the risks come more from relationships that are more difficult to avoid, our children, our parents as they get older, a toxic next door neighbour, a bastard boss.
I had to smile at how scary this sounds Asa
. Is it quite a conscious analytical process for you? I do something like it myself, but it's more gut based and focused on whether someone is making me feel anxious, or bad about myself unfairly, or draining my emotional tanks.
Ren
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