What were you told growing up made someone lovable or unlovable?

Gaze

Gaze

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INFPishy
I was thinking today that there are couple of us here who were given strict or rigid or sometimes quite reasonable guidelines about who we should be or portray ourselves to be in order to deserving of love.

e.g. Growing up, even if i wasn't told these things directly, being a good partner meant taking care of the house, being submissive to an extent, being "proper" and selfless, self-sacrificing, etc. In terms of physically, being thing wasn't a requirement but "nice looking", as well as being nice and "sweet" were common descriptors for how a woman should be or behave. Of course, some of these expectations are sexist, outdated, and require you to sacrifice who you are to please others.

So, what's on your list of things that you were told growing up which made someone deserving of love or unlovable?
 
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My parents just let me figure it out. Seriously, they didn't do much in the way of instilling values except for being educated.
 
The ability to stick through things and not be finicky was the only 'core' peace of advice I got from my parents. My dad recently told me that he made a mistake in marrying my mom in a sense, that don't have anything in common. And it shows. They don't talk to each much, and they don't do much together. My mom likes to buy new clothes constantly, wants to look a certain way, and such; very much an impulse woman. My dad likes to be frugal and thinks ahead, more efficient. Two don't really work together
 
Dragon said:
My parents just let me figure it out. Seriously, they didn't do much in the way of instilling values except for being educated.
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Pretty much same here.

And
I wasn't told what would make me worthy of love.
I was never treated like I had to live to please people and meet their expectations..
I don't feel that my parents didn't treat me with more love or less love depending upon my behavior and grades.
 
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My parents were insistent about never rejecting anyone. But they said that if someone was being beligerent or dangerous it was OK to avoid them.
 
I'm not sure for me and my two older siblings, we were taught to respect everyone (well my two younger ones too). My parents were really strict with me and my two older siblings, so we definetly rebelled! My two younger siblings were pretty spoiled rotten and I can't imagine getting my way like my little sister does now (she still lives with Dad). My mom is an alcoholic..so it goes..I think my brothers struggled with this hardest. I learned alot of what not to do's so I have endured alot in my lifetime that somehow I have managed to handle. I don't know why I'm still alive, my life is stranger than fiction. Maybe my parents instilled some strength in me.

What I learned the most was how to love unconditionally.
 
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Being outgoing and funny. Being good at giving shit and taking it. Not being too prissy or goody-two-shoes. Having a little bit of sass and spitfire in you. Knowing how to play hard and not taking life too seriously.

Somehow people managed to love me anyway.
 
I dont think I was told anything and if I was I was never receptive to anything my parents had to say.
 
I really got dumped on with this one. I was taught that I must get straight A's, get at least one college degree, but preferably more than one, totally support myself, never borrow money for any reason, do volunteer work always in order to be considered an adult, and leave the planet better off than if I had not been here. I was taught that people who don't work should be put to death, because life is hard and society cannot afford them. My parents believed people must stop being lulled by belief in a phony heaven, and get off their asses and make this a better place now. Nobody should have any unnecessary things when others are starving, because it is obscene and they are hypocrites.

I'll give them this. My parents put their money where their mouths were, and though athesists, were more Christian in their actions than anyone I've ever known. They never owned a home or even a car. Despite having 4 college degrees between them, in an age when most people didn't graduate high school, so they could have been rich, they chose to live in poverty and devote all their efforts to the cause of ending world hunger, by teaching poor peasants in other countries how to form farming cooperatives for themselves. My mother did all of this in a wheelchair, her legs ruined by polio,and she felt if she could work like that, then others could too.

So, when I came down with a mystery illness and could not work, no matter how hard I tried, continually going back to work and collapsing and ending up in the hospital, I felt I had no right to live, and almost checked myself out. I've been sick for almost 25 yrs. now, and it took me about 20 of those yrs. to work through the idea that I am here for a reason and have a right to live, despite not earning a living. I have done research to become a lay person expert in my illness and have done volunteer work with people who have my illness the whole time I've been sick, which has helped me feel more worthy to be here.

While I feel my parents were way over the line, I also admire them a great deal, and think if more people were like them the world would be a much better place. They both passed on quite awhile ago, so I have no closure. When they died, I was too young to know how to discuss this with them and had not become ill yet.

So, what did my parents teach me I needed to do to be worthy of love? In one phrase, produce more than I consume.

klutzo
 
I was told that child molesters were unlovable, alcoholics that weren't in recovery were unlovable, drug addicts not in recovery were unlovable, physically/mentally/emotionally abusive people were unlovable, financially irresponsible people were unlovable, selfish people were unlovable and racist people were unlovable. Oh, and bigots.
 
Girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice

Boys are made of frogs and snails and puppy dog tails

:D
 
Res said:
I was thinking today that there are couple of us here who were given strict or rigid or sometimes quite reasonable guidelines about who we should be or portray ourselves to be in order to deserving of love.

e.g. Growing up, even if i wasn't told these things directly, being a good partner meant taking care of the house, being submissive to an extent, being "proper" and selfless, self-sacrificing, etc. In terms of physically, being thing wasn't a requirement but "nice looking", as well as being nice and "sweet" were common descriptors for how a woman should be or behave. Of course, some of these expectations are sexist, outdated, and require you to sacrifice who you are to please others.

So, what's on your list of things that you were told growing up which made someone deserving of love or unlovable?
Click to expand...

I was told to keep a sunny disposition pretty much.....not much else, apart from gotta get a degree.
 
Dragon said:
My parents just let me figure it out. Seriously, they didn't do much in the way of instilling values except for being educated.
Click to expand...

Pretty much this.
 
I was always told not to seem "pathetic or needy," because it drives people away. So I end up trying never to seem like I need other people, or want anything from them.

I was also told that it was good to behave correctly and politely, regardless of how people around me were behaving. I do this as well, much to the chagrin of more laid-back and socially-focused people.
 
athenian200 said:
I was always told not to seem "pathetic or needy," because it drives people away.
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Pretty much this for me... my parents never told me and wanted me to figure things out on my own. However, my friends, whom love to rant about stupid stuff, often complained about me seeming pathetic or needy (can you see a cause and effect there?). So, I put two and two together pretty quickly and decided that, in my case (I believe that different people can make different things work for them), it was in my best interest to act as independent and confident as possible.

Other than that, I've figured quite a bit more out on my own :m027: Even though there may be more I need to learn :m100: Like, for instance, love usually don't come to those who don't put more into the world than they consume (which, at times makes no sense, considering most California couples...).

Also, I've noticed that being a total jerk doesn't hurt, either :m075: and I'm not confusing confidence with someone being a jerk; that line is crystal clear. Now, if only I could bring myself to be a jerk... then maybe I wouldn't be single :m129:
 
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