Scientia
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I have seen interest from older men, about 20 years older but virtually none from guys my age. I find it very odd.
Why do younger men seek older women?
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I have seen interest from older men, about 20 years older but virtually none from guys my age. I find it very odd.
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I had to make it to 36 to find a woman my age who was interested in me. Perhaps we can compare notes to see what the common denominator is.
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I really sont think this is the case other than they dont know any better. I find that older women lack energy or the desire to try anything new. However in many cases their mental maturity is a plus.
Scientia
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I posted a response to all of you but maybe I never hit post?
[MENTION=2179]James[/MENTION] -Maybe you have a point and I am underestimating younger men. It's hard to take them seriously, though, when some of them act so young like slaves to pop culture. If they want more, they should act and sound like they do.
[MENTION=9809]La Sagna[/MENTION] - I agree that younger men seem to have the approach down better than ones my age. I would consider anyone who categorizes me as a red flag, too. I have no experience of interest from men my age, so am I being impatient or missing something? Maybe their cues are too subtle or they think I am younger than I am, as you say.
[MENTION=1669]Gist[/MENTION] - There is truth in what you said in that I am flattered by the attention and the interest but it goes no further, in my case, because I think there is a lack of intent that I look for in another person, friend or more. The steadfast quality is missing.
[MENTION=947]aeon[/MENTION] - I hear what you are saying. I agree. If I do come across someone who is younger but knows what he wants and needs and I happen to fit that, I would be very open to s relationship. The issue is that I haven't seen that yet.
[MENTION=731]the[/MENTION]- You seem more focused on looks and aging well. Is this why you prefer younger women?
[MENTION=2179]James[/MENTION] -Maybe you have a point and I am underestimating younger men. It's hard to take them seriously, though, when some of them act so young like slaves to pop culture. If they want more, they should act and sound like they do.
[MENTION=9809]La Sagna[/MENTION] - I agree that younger men seem to have the approach down better than ones my age. I would consider anyone who categorizes me as a red flag, too. I have no experience of interest from men my age, so am I being impatient or missing something? Maybe their cues are too subtle or they think I am younger than I am, as you say.
[MENTION=1669]Gist[/MENTION] - There is truth in what you said in that I am flattered by the attention and the interest but it goes no further, in my case, because I think there is a lack of intent that I look for in another person, friend or more. The steadfast quality is missing.
[MENTION=947]aeon[/MENTION] - I hear what you are saying. I agree. If I do come across someone who is younger but knows what he wants and needs and I happen to fit that, I would be very open to s relationship. The issue is that I haven't seen that yet.
[MENTION=731]the[/MENTION]- You seem more focused on looks and aging well. Is this why you prefer younger women?
Scientia
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Older women lack energy and the desire to try new things? Clearly, you have never met me.
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Thats been my experience. Its like a switch gets flipped after 39 or so. The "settle down" switch. Probably has something to do with the biological clock. It is what it is and I may be out of the ordinary for looking upon it negatively.
Anyway...when I was much younger...18 etc I was interested in older women primarily. Now its mainly younger for the reasons I stated.
So all and all its just an opinion on my part.
[MENTION=12050]Scientia[/MENTION] -It's difficult, it's been so many years since I've thought about the 'dating game' it seems to me, much has changed and younger people appear quite a lot more forward than I was in my younger days. God that makes me feel old saying that, but then I was always glacially slow in my flirting etc. Have you ever seen the film "Lost in Translation" ? The couple in the film have a big age gap, albeit in reverse, but they have a real connection. I guess that's what I meant in my previous post, that if you picked up good vibes - then maybe you should allow yourself some fun and romance. I can see that you probably want something more meaningful, longer term, but if you've had a bad time then maybe something lighthearted wouldn't be so bad until you find something more serious.
I understand what you mean about younger men - but they may also might take you to parties/dancing, something lively and young, you may not find with an older guy, does that not appeal ? If you find the right guy, people can grow and mature in relationships. An attractive younger woman joined a team I was managing some years ago, and it was funny to me seeing some of the older guys sitting up in their seats etc. When I say younger, she was in her early thirties and chatty, and engaging. I was still very happily married (well I thought so..) and was kind of stunned one day, as she asked to see me alone in an office and made a pass at me.
I can laugh now, but it took me a while to realize what was going on. When I did realize, I had a near panic attack and managed to stumble my way out of it as gracefully as I could. I didn't encourage her in anyway, and I guess I was sort of flattered, but it did make me feel very uncomfortable around her after that. She never repeated it, but she did always seem to try to talk to me. Wow - that's a very long winded way of me saying sometimes guy's are;
1) very poor at reading queues and hints unless things are fairly obvious
2) nervous about following them, in case they get them wrong
If you look younger than you are, that could definitely be a factor in deterring men of your own age. Ironically if you are very attractive that might also scare men off, as much as getting their attention. I think maybe if you see a man you like, you should try to subtly make the first move and be patient. Sorry I think I'm making most men sound like frightened rabbits, and that's probably just me. I would say though that even among the 'loud alpha male' types I think a large part of that is just to cover their anxiety about rejection. I think I read once, that despite what we see in the movies, in western culture it's nearly always the woman who takes the lead in initiating a kiss or romantic contact. That was definitely the case with my ex, when we met.
Anyway I hope that helps a bit, you're bound to meet someone if you are willing to try. I really don't even want to think about that at the moment. I don't want to be on my own forever, but I really think I'm going to need to take my time on anything like that, I dread the thought of it right now.
Take care Scientia,
James
I understand what you mean about younger men - but they may also might take you to parties/dancing, something lively and young, you may not find with an older guy, does that not appeal ? If you find the right guy, people can grow and mature in relationships. An attractive younger woman joined a team I was managing some years ago, and it was funny to me seeing some of the older guys sitting up in their seats etc. When I say younger, she was in her early thirties and chatty, and engaging. I was still very happily married (well I thought so..) and was kind of stunned one day, as she asked to see me alone in an office and made a pass at me.
I can laugh now, but it took me a while to realize what was going on. When I did realize, I had a near panic attack and managed to stumble my way out of it as gracefully as I could. I didn't encourage her in anyway, and I guess I was sort of flattered, but it did make me feel very uncomfortable around her after that. She never repeated it, but she did always seem to try to talk to me. Wow - that's a very long winded way of me saying sometimes guy's are;
1) very poor at reading queues and hints unless things are fairly obvious
2) nervous about following them, in case they get them wrong
If you look younger than you are, that could definitely be a factor in deterring men of your own age. Ironically if you are very attractive that might also scare men off, as much as getting their attention. I think maybe if you see a man you like, you should try to subtly make the first move and be patient. Sorry I think I'm making most men sound like frightened rabbits, and that's probably just me. I would say though that even among the 'loud alpha male' types I think a large part of that is just to cover their anxiety about rejection. I think I read once, that despite what we see in the movies, in western culture it's nearly always the woman who takes the lead in initiating a kiss or romantic contact. That was definitely the case with my ex, when we met.
Anyway I hope that helps a bit, you're bound to meet someone if you are willing to try. I really don't even want to think about that at the moment. I don't want to be on my own forever, but I really think I'm going to need to take my time on anything like that, I dread the thought of it right now.
Take care Scientia,
James
Scientia
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[MENTION=2179]James[/MENTION] - I liked your younger woman making a pass at you story. I am an unusual woman in that I don't like parties or dancing and definitely not on a date. I guess what you are saying the best thing to do is to be open to anyone who might be interesting, have a little fun and figure out what the heck he really wants and then knife hand chop to the neck when I do... joke. Haha.
@Scientia - the knife hand chop comment made me laugh out loud ! You are obviously a dangerous lady... I guess maybe you are looking for something more cerebral and cultured. Maybe the Theatre, or Opera ? Some years ago I went to see Swan Lake, it was the first time I'd ever seen a ballet, and I really loved it. You have to respect how incredibly hard the dancers work and their dedication to their art is immense. It will sound 'arty' but there really is a moment when the dancers sort of transcend your imagination and become swans, it's hard to put that into words. Younger guys can be into such pursuits, if you find the right one.
Yes the younger woman incident was one for the scrapbooks, I'm no Brad Pitt and I don't get that kind of thing happen often (if ever). Given how panicked I was by it, a good job too. Even if I'd been single, although she was an attractive woman it would never have led to anything. She was very nice as a person, but we were very different people. I look back on it, and I think it was one thing I'd done at work, that had helped junior staff that triggered it. Some of the senior managers were very detached and unappreciative of their staff, so although what I did was really quite minor, I think it had some impact.
Yes the younger woman incident was one for the scrapbooks, I'm no Brad Pitt and I don't get that kind of thing happen often (if ever). Given how panicked I was by it, a good job too. Even if I'd been single, although she was an attractive woman it would never have led to anything. She was very nice as a person, but we were very different people. I look back on it, and I think it was one thing I'd done at work, that had helped junior staff that triggered it. Some of the senior managers were very detached and unappreciative of their staff, so although what I did was really quite minor, I think it had some impact.
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I don't think there is one reason men are attracted to older women.
I look a lot younger than I am. Men don't know my age when they hit on me, but when I tell them it doesn't deter them. (And sometimes when I say I am married that doesn't deter them, either.
)
I've had men tell me that if they are into someone, age doesn't matter.
Other men have confessed (upon learning my age later) that being with an older woman would fulfill a fantasy.
Men who are my age almost never hit on me because they think I'm too young for them. When they find out my age they usually trip over themselves to get me drinks, or coffee, or ask me out. If they know I am married they act bitter and say my husband is lucky.
I can't give an honest answer about younger men who know my age ahead of time, because they almost always know I am married, and know my husband, and wouldn't ask me out.
Some of my peers only date men who are much younger because they want handsome boyfriends (and have a very limited opinion of what that means) and their love lives are disasters. There is a big gap in generational dating habits and social habits, and it causes a lot of drama. Yikes!
I have other single peers who are gorgeous (one is a model) who have been single for ages because they won't date younger men (who do ask them out) and men our age don't ask them out.
I look a lot younger than I am. Men don't know my age when they hit on me, but when I tell them it doesn't deter them. (And sometimes when I say I am married that doesn't deter them, either.
)I've had men tell me that if they are into someone, age doesn't matter.
Other men have confessed (upon learning my age later) that being with an older woman would fulfill a fantasy.
Men who are my age almost never hit on me because they think I'm too young for them. When they find out my age they usually trip over themselves to get me drinks, or coffee, or ask me out. If they know I am married they act bitter and say my husband is lucky.
I can't give an honest answer about younger men who know my age ahead of time, because they almost always know I am married, and know my husband, and wouldn't ask me out.
Some of my peers only date men who are much younger because they want handsome boyfriends (and have a very limited opinion of what that means) and their love lives are disasters. There is a big gap in generational dating habits and social habits, and it causes a lot of drama. Yikes!
I have other single peers who are gorgeous (one is a model) who have been single for ages because they won't date younger men (who do ask them out) and men our age don't ask them out.
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I don't think there is one reason men are attracted to older women.
I look a lot younger than I am. Men don't know my age when they hit on me, but when I tell them it doesn't deter them. (And sometimes when I say I am married that doesn't deter them, either.
I've had men tell me that if they are into someone, age doesn't matter.
Other men have confessed (upon learning my age later) that being with an older woman would fulfill a fantasy.
Men who are my age almost never hit on me because they think I'm too young for them. When they find out my age they usually trip over themselves to get me drinks, or coffee, or ask me out. If they know I am married they act bitter and say my husband is lucky.
I can't give an honest answer about younger men who know my age ahead of time, because they almost always know I am married, and know my husband, and wouldn't ask me out.
Some of my peers only date men who are much younger because they want handsome boyfriends (and have a very limited opinion of what that means) and their love lives are disasters. There is a big gap in generational dating habits and social habits, and it causes a lot of drama. Yikes!
I have other single peers who are gorgeous (one is a model) who have been single for ages because they won't date younger men (who do ask them out) and men our age don't ask them out.
This is turning into an infj cougar thread. Sexy.
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If I were a rich hippie I would buy a Malibu mansion and explore polyamory. It would be like the playboy mansion, except I would invite cool hot bisexual women my age to live with me instead of young boring bimbo types. It would be a blast. Salma Hayek, Penelope Cruz, Marissa Tomei, Jennifer Lopez, Sofia Vergara, and Kate Beckinsale would all be invited, as would Pintobean, Anywhere but here, Scientia, Asa, and Pleidies. A life of leisure would ensue. Playing, walking, talking, writing, photography, singing, dancing, eating, swimming, travel, orgies, parties, cuddling, and massages would be the norm. It would be like a non stop hybrid of a sabbatical and a slumber party. A man can dream.
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Hahahahahaha!
Only one person has ever called me that (and meant it seriously).
It was a man who thought there was no possible way I would turn him down.
He called me a 'cougar' after learning I was not younger than he was. He was surprised I wasn't flattered.
He also thought the fact that I was married was irrelevant, because he was in a relationship, too. (Ugh.)
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Guys used to hit on my ex wife all the time, both when I wasn't around, and when I was in the vicinity. Some guys are just dogs. I have a healthy respect for monogamy. My father was a philanderer throughout his marriage to my mother. It really hurt her. I made a promise to myself to not only never cheat on a mate, but also I will never have an affair with someone who is in a relationship. Not worth it to me. Maybe this is an infj thing, but hooking up with a married woman just feels so wrong to me. I had an opportunity to cheat on my ex and I turned it down. Either I have integrity or I am a fool. Probably some of both. Being overly moralistic can lead one to miss out on life. But you have to be able to look yourself in the mirror. There are plenty of fish in the sea. I would rather be alone with a clear conscience than be a player who cheats on his girlfriend and has affairs with married women. This is one of many reasons why most guys and even people can not relate to me. The fact that I haven't had sex in a very long time despite possessing a healthy libido, living in LA, and getting a decent amount of attention from females must mean that I am crazy. But all good things come to those who wait. I just want a girlfriend. Once I trust her, then we can have some real fun. Did I say most dudes are pigs? And to think many on this forum think I am a creep. I am just lonely and frustrated. Like Sinny. But she gets a free pass because she is a young female. Double standard alert. That's my rant for the day. Enjoy.
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INFJs are loyal to the extreme. It is hard to find someone who is as loyal as we are because that loyalty can be a double-edged sword, because it is rarely returned to the same degree.
You did arrive like a tornado. Wow, did you piss me off. Haha.
I'm sorry I was so brisk with you.
I hope you realize now that I have no qualms about telling people to cut it out, or to keep being awesome. I will support you when you are rad and tell you to stop being a jerk.
You did arrive like a tornado. Wow, did you piss me off. Haha.
I'm sorry I was so brisk with you.
I hope you realize now that I have no qualms about telling people to cut it out, or to keep being awesome. I will support you when you are rad and tell you to stop being a jerk.
This is the life of the average female. I think men would be surprised by how often we are hit on, flirted with, and asked out, in both disgusting and heartfelt ways. I've had thousands of chances to cheat. I don't care how handsome, how romantic, how good a friend the person was, the answer is always going to be NO.
People can be so intrigued by INFJs, but in my experience it doesn't take long for them to become confused by us, then scared by the confusion, and they run away. If I were single it would take an incredible human being for me to risk going through that bullshit again. You're probably better off waiting. Sex is better when you can trust someone. You can't get freaky with people you can't trust.
This is the life of the average female. I think men would be surprised by how often we are hit on, flirted with, and asked out, in both disgusting and heartfelt ways. I've had thousands of chances to cheat. I don't care how handsome, how romantic, how good a friend the person was, the answer is always going to be NO.
People can be so intrigued by INFJs, but in my experience it doesn't take long for them to become confused by us, then scared by the confusion, and they run away. If I were single it would take an incredible human being for me to risk going through that bullshit again. You're probably better off waiting. Sex is better when you can trust someone. You can't get freaky with people you can't trust.
I think that's really cool. For me, it's not about purely monogamy (though that is what I would always want in a relationship) it's about the honesty. I know people (even INFJs) will always tell small fibs about trivial things, possibly to minimize conflict or avoid hurt feelings, but I think it's crucial to be honest as a couple. If you can't open up and share, and feel safe doing that, then it's pointless. There can't be intimacy and you are left with an empty, cold, counterfeit relationship that's worthless.
Do women really get 'hit on' like that so often ? Not by me, I feel bad even including a 'x' on text to a woman - prior to my recent separation that is. What kind of guys are doing all this, aren't they married or in relationships ? I've been living in a different world I think.
La Sagna
I did it! I'm a butterfly!
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Your experience is so similar to mine.
I think that [MENTION=1939]Stu[/MENTION] 's suggestion about those your age sensing that you are not ready for a relationship has some merit.
From my experience, the men who are looking for a relationship tend to stay away from women they don't feel are ready for a relationship. Most of them wouldn't even consider dating someone who is newly single.
There also seems to be a general belief out there that when you are coming out of a long term relationship you need to have your "sex guy" before you should move on to a relationship. I think those who are seriously looking are afraid of just being the "sex guy" and having their heart broken.
You also have to remember that men our age who are single have also been through breakups and heartbreaks and may be hesitant to put themselves out there for fear of rejection. Many of them have been hurt or burned somehow and may be more hesitant than young men who may not quite have moved on to feeling the need to be serious.
I know that I didn't really give off the "approach me" vibe, because I'm uncomfortable with that, but that meant that the nice guys were intimidated.
That led me to realise that I needed to meet somebody in a low key way, doing something fun with no pressure. The week that I decided to do that I went to a meetup to play Euchre and I met the right man for me. I knew right away that this guy was in a different league than all the other men I had met. I ended up being flirty even though I usually totally suck at being flirty, in this case it came naturally...and I'm the one who contacted him first because I knew I didn't want to pass up the chance of getting to know him.
I know how you feel. I've been through that process and I wondered a lot of the same things you do. I think we analyse too much. We need to let go of expectations, go out and have fun without putting pressure on ourselves or others and eventually things happen the way they are meant to be.
You are smart, kind and attractive...it takes a while to find the man who will be the right match but you are too much of a 'catch' to not eventually find the right one...but you can't rush it.
You know a lot of my story...I felt the same way, confused and frustrated, but somehow I ended up unexpectedly finding a wonderful man in a dingy bar playing cards. You never know where you'll find the right one for you, so just go out and do fun stuff. It will eventually fall into place.
Scientia
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[MENTION=9809]La Sagna[/MENTION] - I think you might be right. I certainly do learn a lot from you. Sex guy? I wonder if I will have one. I can't see that happening but heaven help the first poor, unsuspecting man who sleeps with me after all of this. I am so pent up, I probably won't let him rest for three days!