You find out your partner has cheated...

What do you do?

  • Stay

    Votes: 8 24.2%

  • Leave

    Votes: 25 75.8%
  • Total voters
    33
what i think "cheated" really means here is that the person thought they could get the best of both worlds. they thought they could get the benefits of the exclusively devoted, loving sexual partner, and at the same time, they thought they could get the novelty of multiple sexual partners. that is cheating, its not playing fairly, because those two categories do not cross over, they require an all/nothing investment, but the cheaters thought they could get both at once. they "cheated on" the person who was exclusively devoted to them, because they were not providing the person with the same thing in exchange, which was what had been agreed upon.

a lot of people who preach about polyamory pretend that having many sexual partners provides the same experience as exclusivity, but without all the fussy rules. that is absolute garbage. the experiences are different, just like riding on a unicycle is a different experience to riding on a bicycle or a tandem bicycle. the stuff about rules is also garbage. in polyamorous relationships there are rules about what is permissible and what is not. its just good negotiation and healthy boundary setting to talk about these things, and whether youre exclusive or not, its irresposible or naive to pretend the agreements dont exist.
 
Had it happen to me before. You deserve a better person.....if this is not hypothetical.
 
I would pose further questions before deciding.
Also I'd probably bombard the other with questions and rambling, making everything worse.

Why did you do it?
Why didn't you tell me before?
Why do you tell me now? (Thanks for doing that though, I appreciate honesty)

Can I still trust you?
Should we not just break up?
Explain to me why I should still trust you?
Would you still be able to trust me if I did this to you?

The most important question is probably not "Why did you do it?", but "Why didn't you tell me before?"

If she is incredibly sorry, the reason is understandable (maybe not forgivable or legit, but understandable) and unlikely to reoccur and is actively begging me to stay with her, I probably would.
If she doesn't seem to care much, is not willing to explain and marginalises it as something from the past, I'm likely to leave.

Considering the fact that it's something from the past that has been kept from me for a long time makes me much more likely to leave. So I'm going to vote that. I'm more likely to stay if she cheated a few days before and tells me right away (with all the appropriate regret). If there's no regret or intention to make up for things, it's a definite leave.
 
Depends. Depends when, why, how, and how much.

e.g. making out with another girl once when they were 19 is a totally different story than having a secret mistress for three years when they're 34 years old.
 
I answered leave because I saw it on the main page and didn't know what the question was. Whoops.

I don't know it depends hugely on the person. But it would definitely be a turn-off. Bitches who cheat are gross I want to slap them with my D on the face and them kick them in the ass with my foot. As they stumble out the door.

=)
 
It's never as simple as "stay" or "leave"...or "cheated" / "not cheated"

I stayed in a relationship after I was cheated on, and it wasn't the same and was always strained. It's difficult to trust someone after that. I told myself I would never do that again..but I recently listened to a Savage Love Podcast that really changed my mind about cheating.

I think that a lot of marriages and families might work because one or both partners are sleeping with other people- and it might not be a bit thing if you're a happy unit/family. There's much more in a relationship than sex, and if you're fulfilled and happy in many other ways, and it works - especially when kids are involved, it might be worth staying. Also, if having someone outside your marriage that provides you with happiness and allows you to go home and maintain a happy and loving home for your kids - is that wrong?

I've finding that there are many more people openly admitting to poly relationships, and I wonder if it's because it might work!
 
[MENTION=10252]say what[/MENTION] You have come out of hiding! Just in time to see... oh yeah nothing has changed.
 
I would say leave. Wouldnt stay for the simple fact that I cant be sure if my partner has an STD.
 
I don't know... depends on how I found out. Did I go out of my way to search for clues and then find them? Cause thats a problem in itself. Did her ex lover confront me and tell me all the things they did together -which would be fucked and I'd question that persons vengefulness and sanity before questioning my partner. Did she just up and tell me out of the blue like it was no big deal? Did she tell me riddled with guilt pleading for forgiveness? All of these things matter.

Judging from myself in past relationships, my partners never really had time to cheat. I took up all of their time having sex with them. It's how I get close to people, or feel I am close to them, it's... probably a problem *shrugs* lol. I think the only time I would be in a situation where my partner could cheat on me is if I were in a long distance relationship or had been married to them for 15 years. Cause after 15 years of marriage and countless numbers of sexual experiences with the same person, being that that is the way I feel close to people, I'm gonna go ahead and say it'll maybe get boring. I think the biggest thing with me is that I need to know at the end of the day I'm the one they're coming home to or I'm the one that's on their mind. I am their number 1. And if I'm not, then I shouldn't be with them.

Now ask me in 30 years when I maybe have someone finally cheat on me and I might have a different answer. I'm pretty chill though. Until I get hurt lol... then all bets are off! >.<
 
DonTaushMe said:
Lol you could get them tested and be sure xD
Click to expand...

Your right but I have to remember that there are complications, usually the individual wont find anything in the body until a few months later. Though I care more about my mental health than my physical health, I need to make wise decisions and care for my body. I only get one.
 
Yva said:
Your right but I have to remember that there are complications, usually the individual wont find anything in the body until a few months later. Though I care more about my mental health than my physical health, I need to make wise decisions and care for my body. I only get one.
Click to expand...

If this is your rational then everyone who has ever had sex ever is a potential risk to you. If you're going to leave your partner completely after figuring out they've cheated on you because you're scared of catching an STD you may as well be abstinent forever.
 
DonTaushMe said:
If this is your rational then everyone who has ever had sex ever is a potential risk to you. If you're going to leave your partner completely after figuring out they've cheated on you because you're scared of catching an STD you may as well be abstinent forever.
Click to expand...

yeah, but what about the fact that they were already getting sex from you, and they wanted sex with someone else so bad that they didnt care about the fact that they could potentially introduce NEW pathogens to you by doing it? if you had mutually agreed to that risk then fine. but if not then its a very uncaring attitude for them to have towards you.
 
say what said:
It's never as simple as "stay" or "leave"...or "cheated" / "not cheated"

I stayed in a relationship after I was cheated on, and it wasn't the same and was always strained. It's difficult to trust someone after that. I told myself I would never do that again..but I recently listened to a Savage Love Podcast that really changed my mind about cheating.

I think that a lot of marriages and families might work because one or both partners are sleeping with other people- and it might not be a bit thing if you're a happy unit/family. There's much more in a relationship than sex, and if you're fulfilled and happy in many other ways, and it works - especially when kids are involved, it might be worth staying. Also, if having someone outside your marriage that provides you with happiness and allows you to go home and maintain a happy and loving home for your kids - is that wrong?

I've finding that there are many more people openly admitting to poly relationships, and I wonder if it's because it might work!
Click to expand...

but cheating is different to being in an open relationship though. if a person is having sex with people outside the relationship because they have decided it makes the relationship work better, its not a real relationship, because they arent giving the other person a mutual chance to decide what type of relationship they want to engage in. its like theyre taking away that persons decision and making it themselves. theres something very disrespectful about that, i dont know the right word to describe it, its sort of abusive or coercive or something. both people need to believe in the value of an open relationship to them for it to really work or otherwise its a dishonest relationship.
 
for some reason people ive known in my life seem regularly to have chosen me as their confessor when they have cheated on their partner. LOL, i have no idea why. i have never shared their secret with anyone else, but it has done nothing for my regard of them. their thought processes surrounding the event are always the most shameful thing. they say stuff like this:
"he wasnt paying enough attention to me"
"she could have been cheating too for all i know"
"im not going to tell him, because that would just end our relationship"
and the number 1 worst thing i have ever heard: "i am going to cheat".

for myself, i just dont grasp the reason for staying with a person like this. what would be the point of it? they have shown that their ability to regulate their own emotions, to control their impulses, and to negotiate and respect honest agreements with me is disastrously irresponsible. how is it possible to have a mature adult relationship with such a person? they behave like a child! how can i trust them with other things in our life together, our finances or our home security, if they cant even do something as simple as keeping their clothes on?
 
Even the smallest pains can get old and wear a person down over the years. One can grow weary of things the other has been doing all along. Small, forgiven quirks can become bothersome. One might cheat, while the other may only ponder what it would be like.
"Would my life be better with him/her?"
"How much longer can I put up with this?"
"She doesn't look at me the way she used to."
"Don't think she even cares any longer about anything bur herself."

The mind starts wandering/wondering. You are living in troubled waters; a prison. "Why don't they just say something to me?"
New people start sounding more compatible. New people start looking more friendly.
You are no longer living. You are numb and waiting for the shoe to drop. Someone touches you and smiles at you. Another person tells you how great you are, or how great you look.
Are we being tested? Prepared for someone new to take that last journey with? Someone to take you by the hand to help you fulfill your destiny? Dreaming? Thinking of someone else every day?
"Why can't I be as happy as I could be?" "As I should be?"

"Why didn't you answer your phone? What were you doing? Where are you?" .....Knowing exactly where you were and who you were with and what you were doing. AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
 
My answer to this has been the same for years now. I thought I would change my mind growing up and maturing, but my feeling on the topic is still the same it appears: unless we have kids, I would walk away in a heartbeat.

I would try to work things through so that the kids have their father in their lives, hell even put up appearances, but I am not sure if I would feel the same about our relationship/marriage as I would have before.
 
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I'm sure faithful people still exist....somewhere.
 
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