thanks mf, your comments like that and reading your blog have helped me, just because i don't reply, doesn't mean i don't appreciate your blog posts, it helps me know that its normal that i feel ashamed and as if i didn't do as much as i should have for john, even though that's not the best feeling, i guess its normal to feel it for now, last night, i started to let go of that guilt and anger at myself a little bit, i hope you're doing the same, at your own pace, it will take time, but everything will be ok. <3