Having kids is easy for me because I have always been used to having a LOT of responsibility and hard work. When I was young, I had to raise myself for the most part, with the exception that my mother was a very good cook so I didn't have to make my own meals! I am an ok cook, I work full time tho and have the girls %70 of the time and my x husband has them %30 time. (on the court papers) altho in reality, I have them for what seems like %90 time and that's just FINE with me. Having kids is exsausting and I feel very tired very often. I feel a huge sense of responsibility too because I want them to grow up happy and healthy, and I try every day to never make the same mistakes that my parents made. I try every day to manage the guilt that comes naturally with parenthood, so that I can try and maintain confidence that the life I am living and providing in for us, is going in a healthy direction... When I was a child, I was very quiet. My oldest daughter is very extroverted and we clash often, my youngest is quieter and more intuned with me somehow, so it seems as tho Anna and I get along better than me and Emmali do. Motherhood comes with a reward that there is no words for. People over time have worded it in several ways, in books, movies and in conversation. Myself tho, I can't explain it. The best way I could say it is if I were to describe how I behave when I am at my happiest and my most appreciative moments with them. I guess that would have me look like I am leaning against the wall watching them play inside while I have dinner going on the stove, or sitting outside with my cigar (yes I smoke cigars, how yucky, lol), watching them ride their bikes or hang out with our dog. I think in those moments, I just get a lot od emotions that cause me to feel moved while quietly watching them while they r engaged in something. Sometimes it takes me back top my youth, but I try not to go there, so I cannot draw from many memories of the pasat to help me relate to them in play. I think I bond the best with them when we are talking about things. I want to be their friend, I try to be, but sometimes I feel the effects of my fear for them in this life, so I hear myself sound frustrated rather than supportive at certain times for certain reasons if that makes sense. I do try tho, to stay aware of what I am feeling and acting like, and to try and stay aware of their feelings and thoughts too, and their reasons for behavior in the ways that they r. I think that to be a good parent, I need to play detective a lot, but not to play a nosy and unapproachable, scary and in reaction mode, detective. I try to be the mother who they can feel safe to talk to about things in their lives...
LOL!!!...mothers! they are very distracting when they nag
Anyways, I hope yr well and happy in life. Would u like children of yr own one day? I always knew I wanted kids. I know it sounds strange, but I always felt as tho I knew and loved my girls even when I was a child myself and while growing up. I just couldn't wait to met them!
