[ENFP] Does she like me? Do you guys ever take a week alone time from someone you love?

sassafras said:
I just wanted to add that we aren't privy to the nature of the conversations OP and the girl have had and we must be careful that we're not projecting onto the relationship and presupposing a deeper connection than what we'd ourselves would develop before we declare that we love someone. All we have is OP's word and general descriptions on whats going on... and he's pretty open in admitting that he falls hard very fast. We've also seen glimmers of the casual nature of this relationship as well (OP is still 'browsing' around on Tinder and open to connections with others) so this already suggests something funky going on with everyone's expectations. If he's telling this girl that he's ok with keeping in casual and then giving her ultimatums and crossing over boundaries he previously respected (re: her alone time and needing to meet him before she decides how she feels) that might put her hackles up... especially if she had any earlier misgivings about the relationship that we don't know about.

So much depends on how things are communicated too. Different people can have different definitions of what 'calmly' and 'reasonably' entails, for example. (I will never forget a friend describing her reaction to something happening on vacation... and then being shown video evidence that wildly begged to differ lol. People generally try to present themselves in the best light).

The funny thing about human nature is that even when we're not feeling that strongly about someone, our fear of rejection may have us grappling for their attention and conflating that desire for validation and certainty with our feelings for them. And sometimes the bigger the insecurity, the larger the imbalance in our behavior.

And there's a lot of imbalance behaviors out there that give us reasons to be cautious out there and blow on cold air. Especially online. There are exceptions, of course, but you really don't know who a person is until you spend time with them face to face.



Yes. This. And besides people showing you their best, I think its also easier to project onto someone online than it is offline-- and not just in terms of the best, but the worst too. I think it's healthy to be cautious and not get your hopes up (or down) straight away. People move at different speeds. You generally want to pick one that's along the same wavelength that balances the both of your needs and has you meet in a middle that's comfortable for both. If there's an imbalance there, there's your first hurdle in the relationship and so much is going to depend on a person's previous experiences with this exact thing.

At this point, it's best to just leave it and see what happens. OP, you've said what you've needed to say and now that ball is in her court... as intended. Hopefully, the connection the both of you have described will carry you both somewhere positive when you do meet.

In the meantime, it's out of your control now. Finishing purging whatever frustrated emotions you need to purge, and try to focus on something else.
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Beautifully put!!!!
 
sassafras said:
I just wanted to add that we aren't privy to the nature of the conversations OP and the girl have had and we must be careful that we're not projecting onto the relationship and presupposing a deeper connection than what we ourselves would develop before we declare that we love someone. All we have is OP's word and general descriptions on whats going on... and he's pretty open in admitting that he falls hard very fast. We've also seen glimmers of the casual nature of this relationship as well (OP is still 'browsing' around on Tinder and open to connections with others, her suggesting threesomes, OP being open to such arrangements, etc.) so this already suggests something funky going on with everyone's expectations. If he's telling this girl that he's ok with keeping in casual and then giving her ultimatums and crossing over boundaries he previously respected (re: her alone time and needing to meet him before she decides how she feels) that might put her hackles up... especially if she had any earlier misgivings about the relationship that we don't know about.

So much depends on how things are communicated too. Different people can have different definitions of what 'calmly' and 'reasonably' entails, for example. (I will never forget a friend describing her reaction to something happening on vacation... and then being shown video evidence that wildly begged to differ lol. People generally try to present themselves in the best light).

The funny thing about human nature is that even when we're not feeling that strongly about someone, our fear of rejection may have us grappling for their attention and conflating that desire for validation and certainty with our feelings for them. And sometimes the bigger the insecurity, the larger the imbalance in our behavior.

And there's a lot of imbalanced behaviors out there that give us reasons to be cautious and blow on cold air. Especially online. There are exceptions, of course, but generally speaking.... how well can you really *know* someone until you spent some time with them face to face?



Yes. This. And besides people showing you their best, I think its also easier to project onto someone online than it is offline-- and not just in terms of the best, but the worst too. I think it's healthy to be cautious and not get your hopes up (or down) straight away. People move at different speeds. You generally want to pick one that's along the same wavelength that balances the both of your needs and has you meet in a middle that's comfortable for both. If there's an imbalance there, there's your first hurdle in the relationship and so much is going to depend on a person's previous experiences with this exact thing.

At this point, it's best to just leave it and see what happens. OP, you've said what you've needed to say and now that ball is in her court... as intended. Hopefully, the connection the both of you have described will carry you both somewhere positive when you do meet.

In the meantime, it's out of your control now. Finishing purging whatever frustrated emotions you need to purge, and try to focus on something else.
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Word. I wanted to elaborate to this effect but I’m on my way to work. I feel like the op is getting egged on to act prematurely and out of a place of insecurity. I will try to elaborate later but maybe it’s not necessary with respect to you hitting the nail on the head.
 
sassafras said:
If he's telling this girl that he's ok with keeping in casual and then giving her ultimatums and crossing over boundaries he previously respected
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I never told him to make "Ultimatums". I told him to talk to her and figure out how she really feels about this potential relationship.

Come on, girls. If you tell a guy that you need time, what are you really saying?

I think this is the root of his actual OP.
 
wiredandwound said:
I never told him to make "Ultimatums". I told him to talk to her and figure out how she really feels about this potential relationship.

Come on, girls. If you tell a guy that you need time, what are you really saying?

I think this is the root of his actual OP.
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What we have all witnessed here is a perfect example of "something that women do that drive men absolutely crazy".

Every girl that responded to this thread knew damn well what the girl in the OP was saying to him, and not one of them told him, even though they had plenty of opportunities.
 
wiredandwound said:
Come on, girls. If you tell a guy that you need time, what are you really saying?
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If we need weeks, it usually means we're trying to lose weight to look more like our filtered selfies, or that we're still waiting for the results from our last doctors visit. If we need days, it could mean we had a fake tanning accident, or having a hormonal break out. Hours usually means gass.

I know this for a fact because I'm a girl, btw.
 
Infjente said:
If we need weeks, it usually means we're trying to lose weight to look more like our filtered selfies, or that we're still waiting for the results from our last doctors visit. If we need days, it could mean we had a fake tanning accident, or having a hormonal break out. Hours usually means gass.

I know this for a fact because I'm a girl, btw.
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You win!:fearscream::mask:
 
Pin said:
Hang in there man.

It's only a matter of time before you meet someone new for better or worse. Personally, it's hard not to treat the pursuit of relationships like a race sometimes. However, I'm more focused on my professional life. Also, all of my friends in relationships right now are struggling financially, professionally, or academically.

Observing my friends has taught me to focus on more reliable outcomes. When you eat protein and do calisthenics, your muscles contract and become more defined. When you study hard, you get scholarships and the chance to pursue the highest levels of education.

Do you have any impediments for meeting women in reality?
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I wish I could be more focused on my academics and professional life, but I've always been way more focused on my personal life. Maybe that's the blessing/curse of an ENFx, because I bet ENFJs are the same way.

I wouldn't say I have any real impediments...people on here have said I'm decently handsome (from the picture thread). I'm a bit overweight, but by no means awful...I'm working on losing that weight before I leave. by eating better and walking 4-6 miles a day at a good pace (15:30 miles or so, which is considered fast walking.)The impediment there will be I don't know the language well, but that's what I'm going there to learn. My being a foreigner might help in that regard, though. I can be a bit awkward though...

Pin said:
America needs Pope Francis.
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I think we actually need Pope Benedict IX back.

Sloe Djinn said:
She hasn’t done anything wrong though. Not reciprocating the OP’s feelings at the same intensity (as of yet) is not a fault of hers. As a matter of fact, she’s being smart in that sense. Confronting her over that, especially in the context of this being a long distance relationship where they haven’t met in real life, looks way more weird and needy than attractive in my opinion. This chick (lol if she’s who she says she is) sounds like she is young and wants to have fun. Pressing her about commitment right now? You may as well douse yourself in pepper spray and go running after her. Surefire way to get yourself ghosted.
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She is definitely a chick. I've video chatted her many times and have been shown on video proof that she is, in fact, a woman. That's besides the point, though.

The only thing she's actually done that frustrates me/worries me is her disappearing for a bit. Other than that, without any of that, I'd have no question on whether or not she actually likes me or not. Right now, the more people tell me to run, the more distant and disconnected I get from her.

I generally don't trust than anyone truly likes me romantically, really...but I know/knew she was until I started thinking more about her disappearances. Maybe she's just waiting to see me to figure out how this will really go...Maybe I should be disappearing for a few weeks too. She got rejected hard back in May, which could totally have something to do with this. I don't think I'm a rebound because it's been way too long for that, but hey, whatever, it's possible.
 
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wiredandwound said:
I never told him to make "Ultimatums". I told him to talk to her and figure out how she really feels about this potential relationship.

Come on, girls. If you tell a guy that you need time, what are you really saying?

I think this is the root of his actual OP.
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Honestly, I didn't have your posts in mind at all. lol I was responding to @Sloe Djinn

As for what we're really saying... hold on, let me tap into the female hivemind. We all tend to think, feel and behave the same way in response to every approximation of this very generic scenario. :D

But seriously, you may be right. Maybe this person just genuinely isn't interested. But... it's also entirely possible that there is something going on emotionally that we don't know about. OP described his girl as going through something and, based on what she communicated to him, he didn't think anything was off about it. And to be fair, some people really *do* need time to process things. The 'alone time' is a hallmark of the introvert, after all. It's not that far-fetched. The other thing to consider is that sometimes people elect to keep a distance to keep themselves in balance (they don't want to fall too hard or want to keep their own expectations in check)

I don't think there's anything wrong with what the girl is doing so long as she's communicating her intentions and actions clearly and OP is satisfied with those explanations. I personally see the wisdom in keeping things cool if you're not sure who the other person is and waiting to see how well you hit things off. If OP is 100% certain in his feelings and prefers his girl was 100% certain about him and he can't live with any other option, then you're right; maybe it is better for him to cut his losses. But if they're meeting in less than two months and OP feels he can benefit from approaching this casually with no expectations, why not wait and see? It could be that she'll end up liking him and he'll think its better to move on. Why agonize over things beforehand? They'll know soon enough.
 
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HorsesIncorporated said:
For me? It's the nature of the beast and the nature of my mind, unfortunately.

I'm sure how much I care about her and I'm sure of the connection I have with her, at least on my end. I was sure she felt the same until this thread.
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I'm sorry you're no longer feeling as certain. I think there's something to be said about you being a lot closer to the situation than any of us and thus having a more intuitive sense of her character, though. The rest of us only know what you've told us... and then what we've extrapolated from that. lol

Regardless, I guess the most important question right now is this: do you want to give her a chance to be sure of you if she needs to meet you first before she decides how she feels?
 
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sassafras said:
I'm sorry you're no longer feeling as certain. I think there's something to be said about you being a lot closer to the situation than any of us and thus having a more intuitive sense of her character.

Regardless, I guess the most important question right now is this: do you want to give her a chance to be sure of you if she needs to meet you first before she decides how she feels?
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Of course. The chance to be with someone I'm absolutely crazy about? It's worth a bit of pain. It's also possible I don't like her in person (which I doubt, never had it happen to me before).
 
HorsesIncorporated said:
Of course. The chance to be with someone I'm absolutely crazy about? It's worth a bit of pain. It's also possible I don't like her in person (which I doubt, never had it happen to me before).
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I guess the reason why I'm so reluctant to write off her behavior in this situation is the fact that you were ok with her disappearances and confident in her interest... up until you felt vulnerable. It's normal for us to seek assurance when we're feeling a little uncertain and start questioning things and fearing rejection.

Which is why I agree with anyone who says to get a little bit of distance for now and leave the ball in her court where it is. The waiting game sucks, but because you have a bit of a looming deadline ahead, you'll be able to see where you guys stand.
 
sassafras said:
I guess the reason why I'm so reluctant to write off her behavior in this situation is the fact that you were ok with her disappearances and confident in her interest... up until you felt vulnerable. It's normal for us to seek assurance when we're feeling a little uncertain and start questioning things and fearing rejection.

Which is why I agree with anyone who says to get a little bit of distance for now and leave the ball in her court where it is. The waiting game sucks, but because you have a bit of a looming deadline ahead, you'll be able to see where you guys stand.
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You're correct. I was 100% okay with the disappearances and stuff, and didn't really care at all. Obviously, I missed her a ton, but I trusted her enough that I could go two weeks without talking and still believe she cared deeply about me.
 
HorsesIncorporated said:
@sassafras honestly, the time she disappeared only started worrying me after she went off on me a bit about a character flaw she saw. I know it was her trying to help me become a better person and not her trying to be mean. Before that, it never worried me whatsoever. In fact, I found it sort of nice, because absence makes the heart grow fonder.
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Yeah, that would do it for most people, I think.

Did she give you reasons for needing that space before or did you find her need for space consistent with what she shared about herself? Did she give you a timeline of when she'd come back? Because she did usually get back to you, yes?
 
sassafras said:
But she gave you reasons for needing that space before or you at least found her need for them consistent with her person. Did she give you a timeline of when she'd come back?
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No real reasons besides I just knew she needs alone time alot. She was very consistent with them...she would leave my messages unread for a few days to a week (or two, but that was rare) and as soon as she read them, she'd answer, then we'd talk for a few days. It was very very consistent. I even told her it was nice that she didn't read messages until she answered and she told me that her Fe probably told her that would be the best way to keep me at ease (one of my pet peeves is people reading my messages and not answering).

If it was longer than 1-2 weeks, she's warned me.
 
HorsesIncorporated said:
No real reasons besides I just knew she needs alone time alot. She was very consistent with them...she would leave my messages unread for a few days to a week (or two, but that was rare) and as soon as she read them, she'd answer, then we'd talk for a few days. It was very very consistent. I even told her it was nice that she didn't read messages until she answered and she told me that her Fe probably told her that would be the best way to keep me at ease (one of my pet peeves is people reading my messages and not answering).

If it was longer than 1-2 weeks, she's warned me.
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OK, so there was a consistent pattern with which you were both comfortable and she has shown consideration for you in the past and from your OP, you did mention she was always reassuring when she came back.

Just so we're clear, what was the last thing you sent her? The apology? Would you feel comfortable sharing what you wrote?

(Unless you'd rather close the topic for now?)
 
wiredandwound said:
I never told him to make "Ultimatums". I told him to talk to her and figure out how she really feels about this potential relationship.

Come on, girls. If you tell a guy that you need time, what are you really saying?

I think this is the root of his actual OP.
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It means we are confused and don't know what we want, but are scared of losing him in case we figure out that he's what we want.
 
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