Torsion
Regular Poster
- MBTI
- INFJ
I'm straight, but still very feminine in the subtleties. I'm not always sure how to reconcile the two. I still get called "gay" or "queer" or "fag" by some of my more ignorant and homophobic acquaintances -- but all this means is that they are probably closet-homosexuals! Haha. I've read about the studies...the ones that found that homophobic men were turned on by images of gay sex, whereas straight, non-homophobic men were not. Still, the hate lingers in our society, and it does hurt my feelings. I just want to be able to express my feminine qualities whilst retaining my outward straight identity.
But, alas! I am too sensitive to the judgments of others, so I walk around like a robot in chains. What would I be if there were no other people in the world? I cannot say.
I moved around a lot. Just as I was hitting puberty and about to ask out my first proper GF, my Dad got promoted and we moved away 1 week later which really derailed me imo. I had to start at a new school, and try and make new friends despite the fact I lived in the countryside. After puberty, even by 15 I'd no experience with girls AT ALL. I wanted a connection too much and over processed it round and round convincing myself I wasn't good enough. I was such a dick, because some girls did actually show an interest and I was too insecure to believe it. I must have made them feel awful.
Other guys appeared to have no issues with the ladies and mostly had lost their virginity by 16. Being near paralyzed around girls I ended up having a few irrational bouts of emoness questioning if I was gay. I knew I wasn't however but that doesn't stop these things buzzing around your head when you're wondering whats wrong with you. As an amusing side note, a group of guys used to constantly call be gay behind my back, mostly led by two fairly vicious a-holes. Years later I met one of them in a nightclub I worked in during uni. He was kinda drunk and all like "heeeeey" I obviously wanted nothing to do with him, but I needed to get passed him to go to one of other other bars to steal some of their ice since my bar was out. As I went to push past him, he grabbed me and babbled something then hugged me....then tried to kiss me. I pushed him off and he says "it's okay man, I came out." I explained I'm not gay, nor ever have been. He went into a bit of a sob story how he and the other a-hole had actually been gay all along but hadn't known it. I just said "uhuh" and walked away.